Seinfeld Quotes
Jerry: So Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today.
Elaine: "It's me"? Isn't that a little premature?
Jerry: I thought so.
Elaine: She's not a me. I'm a me.
George: I'm against all "It's me's." So self-absorbed and egotistical. It's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!
Elaine: "It's me"? Isn't that a little premature?
Jerry: I thought so.
Elaine: She's not a me. I'm a me.
George: I'm against all "It's me's." So self-absorbed and egotistical. It's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Hey, look at the high score. "G.L.C." George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it?
George: Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in, like, ten years.
Jerry: I remember that night.
George: Oh, I was UNSTOPPABLE! The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella... just the right amount of grease on the joy stick...
Mario: Here's your pizza, pea brains.
Jerry: I think I remember why we stopped coming here.
George: Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in, like, ten years.
Jerry: I remember that night.
George: Oh, I was UNSTOPPABLE! The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella... just the right amount of grease on the joy stick...
Mario: Here's your pizza, pea brains.
Jerry: I think I remember why we stopped coming here.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this "Frogger" high score, that's it for me.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Kramer: [on the phone] Hey, I'm on First and... First. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Man: Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag!
Bob: Who! Who is burning the flag?!
Kramer: Oh, no.
Bob: Him?
Cedric: That's not very nice.
Bob: Who! Who is burning the flag?!
Kramer: Oh, no.
Bob: Him?
Cedric: That's not very nice.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: See ya around, Maroon Golf! Oh and by the way, that was a "I'm not sorry wave"?
Maroon Golf: What was that?
Jerry: I'm glad I cut you off! Because Black Saab rules! So long, jackass!
Maroon Golf: What was that?
Jerry: I'm glad I cut you off! Because Black Saab rules! So long, jackass!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: [to audience] Oh, hello. Nine years: seems like a long time, doesn't it? It is, and we've packed a lot in the four of us. It seems like every week a whole new set of problems would just crop up outta nowhere... except for summer where nothing seemed to happen for months at a time.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Newman is begging Jerry to take him to Paris.]
Newman: Please! Take me with you! Please!
Jerry: Get off me! You're making me sick! Be a man!
Newman: All right! But hear me and hear me well. The day will come — oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld — your day of reckoning is coming, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!
Newman: Please! Take me with you! Please!
Jerry: Get off me! You're making me sick! Be a man!
Newman: All right! But hear me and hear me well. The day will come — oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld — your day of reckoning is coming, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: [as the plane is about to crash] Jerry! Can you hear me?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: There's something I have to tell you!
Jerry: What is it?
George: I cheated in the contest!
Jerry: What?
George: The contest! I cheated!
Jerry: What? Why?
George: Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell you.
Jerry: Great! I won!
Jerry: Yeah.
George: There's something I have to tell you!
Jerry: What is it?
George: I cheated in the contest!
Jerry: What?
George: The contest! I cheated!
Jerry: What? Why?
George: Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell you.
Jerry: Great! I won!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Hoyt: State your name.
Soup Nazi: Yev Kassem.
Hoyt: Could you spell that?
Soup Nazi: No! Next question.
Soup Nazi: Yev Kassem.
Hoyt: Could you spell that?
Soup Nazi: No! Next question.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: See, now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George: Really?
Jerry: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it: it's too high, it's in no-man's land.
George: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
George: I think we have.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.
George: Really?
Jerry: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it: it's too high, it's in no-man's land.
George: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
George: I think we have.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Jerry's on the phone with the cops]
Jerry: But officer, he threatened me. That's not right. What if I was the President of the United States? I'm sure you'd investigate. Well, I'm a comedian in the United States. And believe me, I'm under just as much pressure. All right, thanks anyway. OK, bye.
Jerry: But officer, he threatened me. That's not right. What if I was the President of the United States? I'm sure you'd investigate. Well, I'm a comedian in the United States. And believe me, I'm under just as much pressure. All right, thanks anyway. OK, bye.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Knock on door]
Jerry: [opens door, and sees three Cuban guys] Yes?
Cuban Man: Jerry Seinfeld?
Jerry: Yeah. Oh, you must be Kramer's guys. So, you got the cigars?
Cuban Man: What cigars?
Jerry: Kramer told me I was supposed to pick up some Cubans.
Cuban Man: Yes. We are the Cubans.
Jerry: [opens door, and sees three Cuban guys] Yes?
Cuban Man: Jerry Seinfeld?
Jerry: Yeah. Oh, you must be Kramer's guys. So, you got the cigars?
Cuban Man: What cigars?
Jerry: Kramer told me I was supposed to pick up some Cubans.
Cuban Man: Yes. We are the Cubans.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Kramer and Morty are running for Condo President]
Elaine: Who are they running against?
Jerry: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
Elaine: Who are they running against?
Jerry: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[a bomb-diffusing robot opens a drawer in George's desk, revealing a Playboy and some candy bars]
George Steinbrenner: So... it's just empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?
George Steinbrenner: So... it's just empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?
TV Show: Seinfeld
[about Elaine dating Puddy]
Cosmo Kramer: She's dating him again?
Jerry: She's batted around and she's back at the top of the order.
Cosmo Kramer: She's dating him again?
Jerry: She's batted around and she's back at the top of the order.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[about Festivus]
Cosmo Kramer: What do you use for decoration?
Frank Costanza: An aluminum pole. I find tinsel distracting.
Cosmo Kramer: What do you use for decoration?
Frank Costanza: An aluminum pole. I find tinsel distracting.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[about George Steinbrenner]
George Costanza: He fires people like it's a bodily function!
George Costanza: He fires people like it's a bodily function!
TV Show: Seinfeld
[about George's Gortex coat]
Cosmo Kramer: You'd better be careful with that coat... You'll start a war!
Cosmo Kramer: You'd better be careful with that coat... You'll start a war!
TV Show: Seinfeld
[after a long discussion about Pez]
George Costanza: What's a three-letter word for "candy"?
Jerry: I can't do those things.
George Costanza: What's a three-letter word for "candy"?
Jerry: I can't do those things.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[after Kramer tells everyone he is dating a lesbian]
Jerry: She has never been with a man in her entire life.
Cosmo Kramer: ...I'm Kramer.
Jerry: She has never been with a man in her entire life.
Cosmo Kramer: ...I'm Kramer.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Answering the phone]
Jerry: If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello?
Jerry: If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello?
TV Show: Seinfeld
[as a bomb-defusing robot approaches a Godzilla model on George Costanza's desk]
George Steinbrenner: Wait... What's that thing straight ahead? Is that anything? Is that Mothra?
George Steinbrenner: Wait... What's that thing straight ahead? Is that anything? Is that Mothra?
TV Show: Seinfeld
[At a health club, in the sauna, Kramer is hot and flushed]
Cosmo Kramer: God... it's like a sauna in here.
Cosmo Kramer: God... it's like a sauna in here.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[at a New York Marathon party]
Jerry: [discussing the possibility of Elaine moving into Jerry's building] You have no idea what an idiot I am. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. [Points to himself]
Jerry: This is an idiot.
George Costanza: Is that right? [showing him up]
George Costanza: I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
Roxanne: [yelling out the window] You're all winners!
George Costanza: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged...
Jerry: [discussing the possibility of Elaine moving into Jerry's building] You have no idea what an idiot I am. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. [Points to himself]
Jerry: This is an idiot.
George Costanza: Is that right? [showing him up]
George Costanza: I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
Roxanne: [yelling out the window] You're all winners!
George Costanza: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged...
TV Show: Seinfeld
[At the diner]
George Costanza: Are you going to eat that? [takes a bite]
George Costanza: Hmmm.
Jerry: Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms.
George Costanza: Are you going to eat that?
Jerry: No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it.
George Costanza: Are you going to eat that? [takes a bite]
George Costanza: Hmmm.
Jerry: Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms.
George Costanza: Are you going to eat that?
Jerry: No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[At the Puerto Rican Day Parade]
Elaine: We don't know how long this will last. They are a very festive people.
Elaine: We don't know how long this will last. They are a very festive people.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[at the Puerto Rican Day parade]
Jerry: You can't just leave the group.
Elaine: Jerry, I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con Dios.
Jerry: You can't just leave the group.
Elaine: Jerry, I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con Dios.
TV Show: Seinfeld