Seinfeld Quotes
[Kramer covers himself in butter]
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, I'm fried.
Jerry: Technically, you're sautéed.
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, I'm fried.
Jerry: Technically, you're sautéed.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Kramer gave blood to Jerry]
Jerry: I can feel his blood in my body, borrowing things from my blood.
Jerry: I can feel his blood in my body, borrowing things from my blood.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Kramer has a vanity plate, "Assman", and parks in a reserved hospital zone]
Security guard: Can I help you?
Cosmo Kramer: [points to his license plate] Uh, yeah, Doctor Cosmo Kramer. Proctology.
Security guard: Can I help you?
Cosmo Kramer: [points to his license plate] Uh, yeah, Doctor Cosmo Kramer. Proctology.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[At Yankees batting practice]
George Costanza: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. [Hits a home run]
George Costanza: It's not complicated.
Derek Jeter: Now, who are you again?
George Costanza: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.
Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
George Costanza: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?
Derek Jeter: We won the World Series.
George Costanza: In six games.
George Costanza: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. [Hits a home run]
George Costanza: It's not complicated.
Derek Jeter: Now, who are you again?
George Costanza: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.
Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
George Costanza: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?
Derek Jeter: We won the World Series.
George Costanza: In six games.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[discussing George's ATM code]
Jerry: Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it?
George Costanza: I am not giving you my code.
Cosmo Kramer: I'll bet I can guess it.
George Costanza: Pssh. Yeah. Right.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?
George Costanza: Huh?
Cosmo Kramer: You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth.
George Costanza: Get out of here.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean.
George Costanza: I'm leaving.
Cosmo Kramer: [building up steam as George bolts for the door] No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!
George Costanza: I gotta go.
Cosmo Kramer: If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!
George Costanza: Shut up!
Cosmo Kramer: Nestlé's Quik!
George Costanza: Shut up!
Jerry: Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it?
George Costanza: I am not giving you my code.
Cosmo Kramer: I'll bet I can guess it.
George Costanza: Pssh. Yeah. Right.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?
George Costanza: Huh?
Cosmo Kramer: You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth.
George Costanza: Get out of here.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean.
George Costanza: I'm leaving.
Cosmo Kramer: [building up steam as George bolts for the door] No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!
George Costanza: I gotta go.
Cosmo Kramer: If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!
George Costanza: Shut up!
Cosmo Kramer: Nestlé's Quik!
George Costanza: Shut up!
TV Show: Seinfeld
[driving in heavy traffic]
Cosmo Kramer: Well, go around, you buncha crazies! You maniacs are gonna get us all killed!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, go around, you buncha crazies! You maniacs are gonna get us all killed!
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Elaine changes the presets on Puddy's car]
George Costanza: So did you give that radio the ol' switcheroo?
Elaine: I did.
Jerry: And the Christian rock?
Elaine: Resurrected.
George Costanza: So did you give that radio the ol' switcheroo?
Elaine: I did.
Jerry: And the Christian rock?
Elaine: Resurrected.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Elaine comes in wearing Mayan clothes]
Jerry: Hola.
Elaine: Shove it.
Jerry: What's with the get up?
Elaine: I bought it all at Cinco De Mayo. I wanted to show Putumayo how much business they've lost so I've been strutting and dancing in front of their store all day.
Jerry: No wonder we've been getting so much rain.
Jerry: Hola.
Elaine: Shove it.
Jerry: What's with the get up?
Elaine: I bought it all at Cinco De Mayo. I wanted to show Putumayo how much business they've lost so I've been strutting and dancing in front of their store all day.
Jerry: No wonder we've been getting so much rain.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Elaine is trying to prove that Jerry always breaks even]
Elaine: Do you have a twenty?
Jerry: What for?
Elaine: Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back. [Jerry hands Elaine a twenty and she throws it out the window]
Jerry: You know, you could've thrown a PENCIL out the window and see if I got that back...
Elaine: Do you have a twenty?
Jerry: What for?
Elaine: Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back. [Jerry hands Elaine a twenty and she throws it out the window]
Jerry: You know, you could've thrown a PENCIL out the window and see if I got that back...
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Elaine is trying to put a store out of business]
Elaine: Hey, Kramer, do you still have that pricing gun? [to Jerry]
Elaine: That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over 99 cents.
Jerry: Still a ripoff.
Elaine: Hey, Kramer, do you still have that pricing gun? [to Jerry]
Elaine: That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over 99 cents.
Jerry: Still a ripoff.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Elaine re-enters a movie theater] [whispering]
Elaine: What happened to my seat? Oh, God, where was I?
Man in Theater: [whispering] Hey, sit down, I can't see.
Woman in Theater: [whispering] Get out of the way.
Elaine: [whispering] I can't find my seat.
Woman in Theater: [whispering] Just move!
Elaine: No, *you* move!
Elaine: What happened to my seat? Oh, God, where was I?
Man in Theater: [whispering] Hey, sit down, I can't see.
Woman in Theater: [whispering] Get out of the way.
Elaine: [whispering] I can't find my seat.
Woman in Theater: [whispering] Just move!
Elaine: No, *you* move!
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Elaine tries to convince Joel Rifkin to change his name]
Elaine: [mocking] Oh, Stuart's a lot better! "Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother."
Elaine: [mocking] Oh, Stuart's a lot better! "Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother."
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Elaine, George and Jerry are going to see Plan 9 from Outer Space]
Jerry: Elaine, you don't understand! This isn't plans 1 through 8. This is Plan 9. This is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made.
Jerry: Elaine, you don't understand! This isn't plans 1 through 8. This is Plan 9. This is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Elaine's boyfriend as seen a photo of her with her nipple exposed]
Elaine: Let me tell you, I didn't intentionally bare myself, but now, I wish I had. For it's not me who has been exposed, but you. For I have seen the nipple on your soul.
Elaine: Let me tell you, I didn't intentionally bare myself, but now, I wish I had. For it's not me who has been exposed, but you. For I have seen the nipple on your soul.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Elaine's boyfriend is poor]
George Costanza: Who is this, Blue Arrow?
Elaine: No, the Green Lantern.
Jerry: His superpower is lack of money.
Elaine: All right.
Jerry: He's invulnerable to creditors.
Elaine: We get it.
Jerry: He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.
George Costanza: Who is this, Blue Arrow?
Elaine: No, the Green Lantern.
Jerry: His superpower is lack of money.
Elaine: All right.
Jerry: He's invulnerable to creditors.
Elaine: We get it.
Jerry: He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[everybody at Kruger is exchanging Christmas gifts]
Kruger: Hey, George. Merry Christmas. Here you go. [gives George his gift]
George Costanza: Thank you, sir. Here's your gift.
Kruger: [takes envelope] "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund"?... Whatever.
George Costanza: Exactly.
Kruger: Hey, George. Merry Christmas. Here you go. [gives George his gift]
George Costanza: Thank you, sir. Here's your gift.
Kruger: [takes envelope] "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund"?... Whatever.
George Costanza: Exactly.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[explaining why Elaine won't be accompanying him to Africa]
Mr. Peterman: I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium.
Elaine: [astonished] Opium?
Mr. Peterman: That's right. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.
Mr. Peterman: I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium.
Elaine: [astonished] Opium?
Mr. Peterman: That's right. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[George and Kramer are going to test Kramer's bladder system]
George Costanza: Did you get the video camera?
Jerry: Yeah, I got a three hour tape. That should be enough to cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial.
Cosmo Kramer: You let out one emotion, and all the rest will follow. Just like Andora's box.
Jerry: That was the mother on "Bewitched." I think you mean "Pandora."
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, well, she had one too.
George Costanza: Did you get the video camera?
Jerry: Yeah, I got a three hour tape. That should be enough to cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial.
Cosmo Kramer: You let out one emotion, and all the rest will follow. Just like Andora's box.
Jerry: That was the mother on "Bewitched." I think you mean "Pandora."
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, well, she had one too.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[George collides with an Andrea Doria survivor]
Cosmo Kramer: The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm 20 miles off the cost of Nantucket.
George Costanza: How do you know?
Cosmo Kramer: It's in my book, "Astonishing Tales Of The Sea". 51 people died.
George Costanza: 51 people? I thought it was more like 1000.
Cosmo Kramer: There were 1,560 survivors.
George Costanza: That's no tragedy. How many people do you lose on a normal cruise? 30?
Cosmo Kramer: The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm 20 miles off the cost of Nantucket.
George Costanza: How do you know?
Cosmo Kramer: It's in my book, "Astonishing Tales Of The Sea". 51 people died.
George Costanza: 51 people? I thought it was more like 1000.
Cosmo Kramer: There were 1,560 survivors.
George Costanza: That's no tragedy. How many people do you lose on a normal cruise? 30?
TV Show: Seinfeld
[George has talked his girlfriend Audrey into getting a nose job]
George Costanza: I'm goin' straight to hell, there's no two ways about it.
Jerry: It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into some bad dudes.
George Costanza: I'm goin' straight to hell, there's no two ways about it.
Jerry: It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into some bad dudes.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[George is buying a wig]
Jerry: Why don't you just get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get this whole thing over with?
Jerry: Why don't you just get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get this whole thing over with?
TV Show: Seinfeld
[George is buying invitations]
Sales Clerk: Have you been in here before?
George Costanza: About a year ago. Wedding invitations.
Sales Clerk: How did that work out?
George Costanza: No complaints.
Sales Clerk: Have you been in here before?
George Costanza: About a year ago. Wedding invitations.
Sales Clerk: How did that work out?
George Costanza: No complaints.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[George is eating all the shrimp]
Riley: Hey George, the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp.
George Costanza: Yeah, well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you.
Riley: What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller.
George Costanza: Yeah well... I had sex with your wife.
Board member: His wife is in a coma.
Riley: Hey George, the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp.
George Costanza: Yeah, well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you.
Riley: What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller.
George Costanza: Yeah well... I had sex with your wife.
Board member: His wife is in a coma.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[George is munching on pretzels from a bag]
Cosmo Kramer: [to George, who is wearing women's glasses] May I have one of those, madame?
Cosmo Kramer: [to George, who is wearing women's glasses] May I have one of those, madame?
TV Show: Seinfeld
[George is on his hands and knees, looking for change under a vending machine]
Jerry: [taps machine] I think the candy comes out over there.
George Costanza: People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up.
Jerry: Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying face-down in filth.
Jerry: [taps machine] I think the candy comes out over there.
George Costanza: People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up.
Jerry: Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying face-down in filth.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[George is planning to name his 1st child "Seven"]
Jerry: Hmmm, "Seven Costanza". Yep, I can see it now: Seven periods of school per day, seven beatings a day, seven stitches per beating, followed by seven years to life.
Jerry: Hmmm, "Seven Costanza". Yep, I can see it now: Seven periods of school per day, seven beatings a day, seven stitches per beating, followed by seven years to life.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[George is talking about himself in the third person]
George Costanza: I think it's time for George's lunch.
George Steinbrenner: Yes, it is. Let's see what I got today. Ham and cheese again. And she forgot the fancy mustard. I love that fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me.
George Costanza: I think it's time for George's lunch.
George Steinbrenner: Yes, it is. Let's see what I got today. Ham and cheese again. And she forgot the fancy mustard. I love that fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[George is thinking of starting his own charity]
George Costanza: This could be my chance to give something back.
Jerry: You want to give something back, start with the $20,000.
George Costanza: This could be my chance to give something back.
Jerry: You want to give something back, start with the $20,000.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[George is wearing a toupee]
Elaine: YOU'RE BALD.
George Costanza: Correction. I WAS bald.
Elaine: YOU'RE BALD.
George Costanza: Correction. I WAS bald.
TV Show: Seinfeld