Seinfeld Quotes
[George peed in a public shower]
George Costanza: It's not good to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal.
Jerry: Did the medical journal mention anything about standing in a pool of somebody else's urine?
George Costanza: It's not good to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal.
Jerry: Did the medical journal mention anything about standing in a pool of somebody else's urine?
TV Show: Seinfeld
[George sees two women holding hands in a video store, one of whom is his ex, Susan]
George Costanza: [to himself] Ooh, a lesbian sighting. They're so fascinating, why is that? Because they don't want us. You've got to respect that.
George Costanza: [to himself] Ooh, a lesbian sighting. They're so fascinating, why is that? Because they don't want us. You've got to respect that.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[George trying to find a parking space]
Elaine: Why don't you park in a garage?
George Costanza: ...Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free.
Elaine: Why don't you park in a garage?
George Costanza: ...Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[George wants the nickname "T-Bone"]
George Costanza: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. From now on, I will be known as...
Kruger: Koko the Monkey.
George Costanza: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. From now on, I will be known as...
Kruger: Koko the Monkey.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[George's new self-appointed nickname is T-Bone]
Jerry: Why not "G-Bone"?
George Costanza: There's no G-Bone.
Jerry: There's a g-spot.
George Costanza: HEY. That's a myth.
Jerry: Why not "G-Bone"?
George Costanza: There's no G-Bone.
Jerry: There's a g-spot.
George Costanza: HEY. That's a myth.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[George's parents are getting a divorce]
Jerry: It's too bad his parents didn't do that a long time ago. He could have been normal.
Jerry: It's too bad his parents didn't do that a long time ago. He could have been normal.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[in Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: Why did you have to open your big mouth?
Cosmo Kramer: What?
Jerry: George doesn't need to hear that his girlfriend looks like me. Neither do I, for that matter. First the Sally Weaver thing, now this.
Cosmo Kramer: You're just mad because you're having a bad day.
Jerry: Yes. Because of you.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, in that case I think one of us should leave. [Kramer and Jerry stare at each other and don't move]
Jerry: Why did you have to open your big mouth?
Cosmo Kramer: What?
Jerry: George doesn't need to hear that his girlfriend looks like me. Neither do I, for that matter. First the Sally Weaver thing, now this.
Cosmo Kramer: You're just mad because you're having a bad day.
Jerry: Yes. Because of you.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, in that case I think one of us should leave. [Kramer and Jerry stare at each other and don't move]
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Jerry got his dad a shirt that says "#1 Dad"]
Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, this is the most thoughtful gift you've ever given me.
Jerry: You know, I bought you a Cadillac... Twice.
Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, this is the most thoughtful gift you've ever given me.
Jerry: You know, I bought you a Cadillac... Twice.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Jerry is checking out an upper-class apartment]
Sales Woman: Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should let you know that we've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist.
Jerry: Not Pennypacker.
Sales Woman: You know him?
Jerry: I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen.
Sales Woman: Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should let you know that we've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist.
Jerry: Not Pennypacker.
Sales Woman: You know him?
Jerry: I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Jerry is dating a gymnast]
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, you stand on the threshold of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.
Jerry: Boy, you can really talk some trash. [to George]
Jerry: I guess that's better than eating it.
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, you stand on the threshold of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.
Jerry: Boy, you can really talk some trash. [to George]
Jerry: I guess that's better than eating it.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Jerry is in a confessional booth]
Jerry: Father, I've never done this before, so I'm not sure about what I'm supposed to do.
Priest: All right, my son. You can start by telling me your sins.
Jerry: Well, I'm Jewish.
Priest: Well that's no sin,.
Jerry: Oh...
Jerry: Father, I've never done this before, so I'm not sure about what I'm supposed to do.
Priest: All right, my son. You can start by telling me your sins.
Jerry: Well, I'm Jewish.
Priest: Well that's no sin,.
Jerry: Oh...
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Jerry nearly drowns the pool guy]
Elaine: How can you show your face around there?
Jerry: Oh, I cant. They revoked my membership. Newman's, too. We cant go anywhere near there.
Elaine: How can you show your face around there?
Jerry: Oh, I cant. They revoked my membership. Newman's, too. We cant go anywhere near there.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Jerry notices an art book on the table]
Jerry: What is THAT book doing on the table?
Elaine: What? What is wrong with this book?
Jerry: That book has been on a wild ride. It's been in the bathroom.
Elaine: ALL RIGHT. Move it. Biohazard coming through.
Jerry: What is THAT book doing on the table?
Elaine: What? What is wrong with this book?
Jerry: That book has been on a wild ride. It's been in the bathroom.
Elaine: ALL RIGHT. Move it. Biohazard coming through.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Jerry takes Newman's mail route so Newman can get transfered to Hawaii]
Newman: Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier.
Jerry: I tried my best!
Newman: *Exactly*. You're a disgrace to the uniform. [Newman rips USPS patch off of coat]
Jerry: You know, this is your coat.
Newman: [looks at torn patch] Damn.
Newman: Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier.
Jerry: I tried my best!
Newman: *Exactly*. You're a disgrace to the uniform. [Newman rips USPS patch off of coat]
Jerry: You know, this is your coat.
Newman: [looks at torn patch] Damn.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Jerry, Marla, George, and Stacy meet]
Marla Penny: Jerry.
Jerry: George, Marla.
George Costanza: Marla.
Marla Penny: George. Jerry, Stacy.
Jerry: Stacey.
Stacy: Jerry.
Jerry: George, Stacy.
George Costanza: Stacy.
Stacy: George.
Jerry: George.
George Costanza: Jerry... Marla... Stacy!
Marla Penny: Jerry.
Jerry: George, Marla.
George Costanza: Marla.
Marla Penny: George. Jerry, Stacy.
Jerry: Stacey.
Stacy: Jerry.
Jerry: George, Stacy.
George Costanza: Stacy.
Stacy: George.
Jerry: George.
George Costanza: Jerry... Marla... Stacy!
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Jerry's girlfriend has a huge toy collection]
Jerry: WOW. An original G.I. Joe. With a full Frogman suit...
Girlfriend: Jerry, what are you doing?
Jerry: I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink.
Jerry: WOW. An original G.I. Joe. With a full Frogman suit...
Girlfriend: Jerry, what are you doing?
Jerry: I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Jerry's kitchen is full of sausages]
Jerry: What's this? You said you were watching a video.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, an instructional video on how to make your own sausage.
Jerry: What's this? You said you were watching a video.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, an instructional video on how to make your own sausage.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Kramer has an intern]
Intern: Mr. Newman on line 2...
Jerry: Line 2?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, your phone is line 1.
Intern: Mr. Newman on line 2...
Jerry: Line 2?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, your phone is line 1.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Kramer is modeling for a bachelor auction]
Elaine: Okay, our next bachelor is Cosmo Kramer. He's... a high school graduate.
Cosmo Kramer: Equivalency.
Elaine: Equivalency. High school equivalency program graduate. He's, uh... I don't know, six foot three, one hundred ninety pounds. He likes... fruit, and he just got, um... a haircut. [Kramer slips off the runway and falls onto a table below]
Elaine: Do I hear... five bucks?
Elaine: Okay, our next bachelor is Cosmo Kramer. He's... a high school graduate.
Cosmo Kramer: Equivalency.
Elaine: Equivalency. High school equivalency program graduate. He's, uh... I don't know, six foot three, one hundred ninety pounds. He likes... fruit, and he just got, um... a haircut. [Kramer slips off the runway and falls onto a table below]
Elaine: Do I hear... five bucks?
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Kramer is playing opera music on Jerry's stereo]
Jerry: What the hell is that crap?
Cosmo Kramer: It's Pagliacci, Jerry.
Jerry: What the hell is that crap?
Cosmo Kramer: It's Pagliacci, Jerry.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Kramer is putting butter on his face]
Jerry: What the hell are you doing?
Cosmo Kramer: I ran out of butter, so I had to use yours. Any other questions, Mr. Nosy?
Jerry: What the hell are you doing?
Cosmo Kramer: I ran out of butter, so I had to use yours. Any other questions, Mr. Nosy?
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Kramer is watching Jeopardy! and getting every question right]
Cosmo Kramer: Who is Joseph Cotton! Giddy-up!
Cosmo Kramer: What is pie! Oooh! Giddy-up again!
Cosmo Kramer: What is the Cha-Cha! Yes, indeed!
Cosmo Kramer: Who is Joseph Cotton! Giddy-up!
Cosmo Kramer: What is pie! Oooh! Giddy-up again!
Cosmo Kramer: What is the Cha-Cha! Yes, indeed!
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Kramer starts the Peterman Reality Tour]
George Costanza: I think I understand this. Jay Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real.
Cosmo Kramer: Talk to me.
George Costanza: But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you.
Cosmo Kramer: Understand?
Jerry: Yeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.
George Costanza: I think I understand this. Jay Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real.
Cosmo Kramer: Talk to me.
George Costanza: But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you.
Cosmo Kramer: Understand?
Jerry: Yeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Kramer walks in with cigars]
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, boys. Here you go. It's celebration time.
George Costanza: Why?
Cosmo Kramer: You remember that coffee table book I wrote?
Jerry: Yeah.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, the company sold the movie rights to it.
George Costanza: How are they going to make that book into a movie?
Cosmo Kramer: You remember that toy ray gun book? "Independence Day".
Jerry: Oh. So, how much are they paying you?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, let's just say that I won't have to work for a long, LONG time.
Jerry: That's funny. Because I haven't seen you work in a long, LONG time.
Cosmo Kramer: I'm officially retired.
Jerry: From what?
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, boys. Here you go. It's celebration time.
George Costanza: Why?
Cosmo Kramer: You remember that coffee table book I wrote?
Jerry: Yeah.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, the company sold the movie rights to it.
George Costanza: How are they going to make that book into a movie?
Cosmo Kramer: You remember that toy ray gun book? "Independence Day".
Jerry: Oh. So, how much are they paying you?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, let's just say that I won't have to work for a long, LONG time.
Jerry: That's funny. Because I haven't seen you work in a long, LONG time.
Cosmo Kramer: I'm officially retired.
Jerry: From what?
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Kramer wants to use George's car to rescue a "pig-man" from the hospital]
Cosmo Kramer: You got room for the pig-man?
George Costanza: The pig-man can take the bus.
Cosmo Kramer: You know, if the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride.
George Costanza: How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?
Cosmo Kramer: Come on George, be realistic. [scoffs]
Cosmo Kramer: You got room for the pig-man?
George Costanza: The pig-man can take the bus.
Cosmo Kramer: You know, if the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride.
George Costanza: How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?
Cosmo Kramer: Come on George, be realistic. [scoffs]
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Kramer wants to watch a video in Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: Why don't you watch it at your place?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm taping Canadian parliament on C-SPAN.
Jerry: Why don't you watch it at your place?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm taping Canadian parliament on C-SPAN.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Kramer's face is haggard from smoking]
Jerry: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, emphazema, birth defects, cancer... but not this! Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure... my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.
Jerry: And your teeth... they're all brown.
Cosmo Kramer: Look away. I'm hideous.
Jerry: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, emphazema, birth defects, cancer... but not this! Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure... my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.
Jerry: And your teeth... they're all brown.
Cosmo Kramer: Look away. I'm hideous.
TV Show: Seinfeld