Seinfeld Quotes
Jerry: A house in the Hamptons?
George Costanza: Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Ah, you're crazy.
Cosmo Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry: All right, that's enough.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: And what is his stand on abortion?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: What is his stand... on abortion?
Elaine: Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.
Jerry: How do you know?
Elaine: Because he... Well... He's just so good-looking.
Jerry: Well, you should probably ask. Because if he's gonna be coming over with those Pokeno's Pizzas... could be trouble.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Are you sure you want to get married? I mean, it's a big change of life.
Elaine: Jerry, it's 3 a.m. and I'm at a cock fight. What am I clinging to?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Boy, you sure do have a lot of friends, how come I never see any of these people?
Cosmo Kramer: They want to know how come they never see you.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: But are you still master of your domain?
George Costanza: I'm king of the county. You?
Jerry: I'm lord of the manor.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime someone says, "Ooh, this is so good - what's in this?" the answer invariably comes back, "cinnamon." Cinnamon. Again and again.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Don't you see? He's Jewish for two days and he's already making Jewish jokes.
Elaine: Well, everybody gets drunk the first day they turn 21.
Jerry: Elaine, booze isn't a religion.
Elaine: Tell that to my father...
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: George, I am loving this no wallet thing.
George Costanza: A man carries a wallet.
Jerry: You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm on to something.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Have ya been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? Its a leper colony there.
Elaine: So, basically what you're saying is 95% of the population is undatable?
Jerry: UNDATABLE.
Elaine: So how are all these people gettin' together?
Jerry: Alcohol.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, you want to go down to the Bronx and help me take flyers off George's car?
Cosmo Kramer: [without hesitating] Sure.
Jerry: Could've said just about anything, couldn't I?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: I bruised my lip. I was drinking a cel ray, brought it up too fast, and I accidentally knocked your toothbrush into the toilet, and I was unable to tell you before you could use it.
Jenna: When were you going to tell me this?
Jerry: Obviously never.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I'm here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: So your saying UNICEF is a scam?
Cosmo Kramer: It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: So you're upset that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to brainwash you.
George Costanza: They could've at least tried...
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: So, did they get tired of Koko yet?
George Costanza: Oh yeah. [holds up a baseball t-shirt that reads "KOKO 00"]
Jerry: Zero zero?
George Costanza: That's ooo. As in ooo-ooo-aaa-aaa.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: I don't know if it's possible, but could you people conduct the psychopath convention down the hall?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: I hear that all the time.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.
Elaine: People ask me that about you all the time.
Jerry: Yeah, because I'm thin, I'm single, and I'm neat.
George Costanza: Guess that leaves me in the clear...
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: I learned something. Letting my emotions out was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, I'm not funny anymore. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: I need to talk to you about my friend, Dr. Tim Whatley. I think he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Priest: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: I prefer to do my own material.
Cosmo Kramer: That's as good as anything you do.
TV Show: Seinfeld