Seinfeld Quotes
Jerry: I'm not wearing the fur coat.
Cosmo Kramer: Come on, Jerry. If you don't do it, Newman and I are out of the building.
Jerry: Hmm...
Cosmo Kramer: Ok, Jerry, just take a good look at what your life would be like without me around.
Jerry: [thinks for a few seconds] Newman too?
Cosmo Kramer: Come on.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Is that your "chicken" making all that noise?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, Little Jerry loves the morning.
Jerry: Who?
Cosmo Kramer: Little Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah I named my chicken after you.
Jerry: Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not a chicken.
Cosmo Kramer: Of course it is. I picked it out myself.
Jerry: Well, you picked out a rooster.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: It didn't do me any good either! That benefit was the worst show I ever did. Some of those heckles were really uncalled for: "Avast ye matey" - what the hell does that mean? "20 degrees off the starboard side - the Spanish Galleon!" -there's no comeback for that!
Tony: I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?
Jerry: The washer fluid is fine...
Tony: The washer fluid is not fine!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: It's Jerry. Who's this?
Valerie: It's Valerie.
Jerry: Oh hi, Valerie. What's up?
Valerie: I'll tell you what's up - my stepmother is violently ill. So I hit the number for poison control and I get you.
Jerry: Wow, poison control? That's even higher than Number One. Hello?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Kramer, I can't do that. It's illegal.
Cosmo Kramer: It's not illegal.
Jerry: It's against the law.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, yeah...
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Kramer, I never thought I'd say this, but that's not a bad idea.
Cosmo Kramer: Giddyup.
Jerry: Now, get out.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled till New Year's!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday balloons.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Man, you were pretty loaded on that Schnapps last night.
Elaine: I know. I woke up with this. [points to her newly-pierced nose]
Jerry: Oh. Hello tetanus.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.
Newman: I love broccoli. It's good for you.
Jerry: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?
Newman: Gladly. [Newman spits it out]
Newman: Vile weed!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seeing a prostitute.
George Costanza: How much are you paying this maid?
Jerry: $40.
George Costanza: $40? I pay my maid $60, she doesn't do my laundry, and I'm gettin' nothing.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Oh right, the new job. How is it?
George Costanza: I love it. New office, new salary, I'm the new Wilhelm.
Jerry: So who's the new you?
George Costanza: We got an intern from Francis-Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Oh, by the way, Newman, I'm just curious, when you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium new year?
Newman: As a matter of fact, I did.
Jerry: Oh, well, that's interesting, because, since everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't really begin until 2001, which would make your party one year late, and thus, quite lame.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Oh, this is interesting...
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Jane's topless. [everyone takes a look]
Cosmo Kramer: Yo yo ma.
Jerry: Boutros Boutros Ghali...
Elaine: Nice rack.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Patty wants me to be more emotional and express my feelings.
George Costanza: What do you care what she thinks?
Jerry: Good body.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: So how's the fornicating gourmet?
George Costanza: Doing quite well. Yesterday for lunch, I had a soft-boiled egg and a quickie. Now, if I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate.
Jerry: George, we're trying to have a civilization here.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".
David Puddy: I don't much care for that term.
Jerry: Oh. Sorry, I didn't know...
David Puddy: No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.
Jerry: I saw one once that could do sign language.
David Puddy: Yeah, I saw that one. Uh... Koko.
Jerry: Yeah, Koko.
David Puddy: Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. High-five.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: The answering machine is like a relationship barometer.
George Costanza: What IS a barometer?
Cosmo Kramer: It's pronounced thermometer.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: The sex is unbelieveable. I was like an animal, just completely uninhibitted.
George Costanza: Like going to the bathroom in front of a whole bunch of people and not caring.
Jerry: [short pause] It's not like that at all!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: This isn't a good time.
Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back, sir?
Jerry: I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?
Telemarketer: Umm, we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home.
Telemarketer: Umm, no.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel. [hangs up phone]
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: This woman's completely ignoring me.
Cosmo Kramer: Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship. A spinster... Maybe a virgin. Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She's a schoolgirl, there was a boy, it didn't work out. So now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. Needs a little Kramer.
Jerry: Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there... you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it... you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Trouble!
Elaine: What?
Jerry: George.
Elaine: Is it?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Damn!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced, and now my Nana's missing.
Cosmo Kramer: Well don't look at me.
Jerry: It's your fault.
Cosmo Kramer: My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.
TV Show: Seinfeld