Seinfeld Quotes
George Costanza: [George rushes into Jerry's apartment] Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?
Jerry: No, what happened to you?
George Costanza: All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries".
Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries?
George Costanza: Right.
Jerry: What is that?
George Costanza: You're in latex.
Jerry: What do I do with latex?
George Costanza: I don't know, you manufacture it.
Elaine: Right here in this little apartment?
Jerry: And what do I say about you?
George Costanza: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
Jerry: I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. Why would I do that?
George Costanza: Because I asked you to.
Jerry: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: [Kramer has just vomited on Susan] I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. I should have seen it coming, I didn't see it coming.
Jerry: I think she saw it coming.
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George Costanza: [referring to the mystery of his damaged briefcase] This thing is like an onion: the more layers you peel, the more it stinks!
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George Costanza: [singing to himself to tune of "Everybody's Talkin'" from Midnight Cowboy] Everybody's talkin' at me, I can't hear a word they're sayin'... Just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car...
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: [talking about Eldridge's ordeal on the Andrea Doria] Even if he did suffer, that was 40 years ago. What has he done for me lately? I have been suffering for the last 30 years, up to and including yesterday!
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: [talking about his whale expedition] So I reached in... felt around... and pulled out the obstruction. [pulls out a golf ball]
Cosmo Kramer: Is that a Titleist? Well a hole in one, huh.
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George Costanza: [upset] Now because of that stupid rye bread I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life!
Jerry: [quietly, sipping coffee] Bad situation...
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George Costanza: [while waiting in a restaurant, Elaine refuses a bet of $50 to walk over to a table full of strangers and start eating an egg roll] For fifty bucks I'd put my face in their soup and blow.
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George Costanza: A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman is in love with me and I throw it all away. Now I will spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear because I'm too lazy to do the laundry.
Jerry: You walk around with no underwear.
George Costanza: Ya, what do you do when you run out of laundry?
Jerry: I do a wash.
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George Costanza: All my life, I've wanted to make a great entrance.
Jerry: You've made some fine exits.
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George Costanza: And as punishment, I should get to sleep with Elaine.
Jerry: That's not punishing me, that's punishing Elaine. And cruelly, I might add...
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George Costanza: And I got a job interview. It's in sports.
Jerry: Mets? Rangers?
George Costanza: Playground equipment.
Jerry: Welcome back to the show.
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George Costanza: And to think I'd fail at failing...
Jerry: Aw, come on, now.
George Costanza: I feel like I cant do anything wrong.
Jerry: Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
George Costanza: You think so?
Jerry: Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
George Costanza: Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again.
Jerry: That's the spirit. You suck.
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George Costanza: But I really want to leave my mark this time. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve?
Jerry: So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?
George Costanza: Flame on.
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George Costanza: Come on, Jerry, you know how these inter-office politics work.
Jerry: I've never had a job.
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George Costanza: Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know.
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George Costanza: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What, you mean like laundry?
Jerry: No. Like when you're in a pool... afterwards...
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frigthened turtle.
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George Costanza: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
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George Costanza: Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?
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George Costanza: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it.
Jerry: They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.
George Costanza: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: Don't get worked up, because you're going to know the whole story the minute she walks off the plane.
Jerry: Really, how?
George Costanza: Because it's all in the greeting. If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.
Jerry: Right.
George Costanza: Anything in the lip area is good.
Jerry: Lip area, yeah.
George Costanza: A hug, definitely good.
Jerry: Hug is good. Although what if its one of those hugs, where the shoulders are touching, and the hips are 8 feet apart.
George Costanza: Those are brutal.
Jerry: You know how they do that.
George Costanza: Also, you know a shake is bad.
Jerry: Right a shake is bad. But what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes.
George Costanza: The hand sandwich.
Jerry: Right.
George Costanza: Well, that is open to interpretation because so much depends on the layering, and the quality of the wetness in the eyes.
George Costanza: The surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn't in the manual.
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George Costanza: Here's the outlet.
Slippery Pete: The what?
George Costanza: The outlet. Where the electricity comes from.
Slippery Pete: Oh, you mean the holes.
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George Costanza: Hi, my name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
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George Costanza: I answered a personals ad from the Daily Worker.
Jerry: The Daily Worker has personals?
George Costanza: And - get this - they said that appearance wasn't important.
Jerry: Yours or hers?
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George Costanza: I ate that entire platter. Had to call in sick today.
Jerry: Didn't you call in sick yesterday?
George Costanza: Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing, we don't care... and it shows.
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George Costanza: I did happen to pick up one little nugget of entertainment. Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
Jerry: Elaine danced?
George Costanza: More like a full-bodied dry heave set to music.
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George Costanza: I don't even like Drake.
Jerry: You don't like The Drake?
George Costanza: I hate The Drake.
Elaine: I loooooove The Drake!
Jerry: How could you not like The Drake?
George Costanza: Who's The Drake?
Elaine: Who's The Drake!
Jerry: The Drake is good.
TV Show: Seinfeld