Seinfeld Quotes
George Costanza: You're really moving to California?
Cosmo Kramer: [points to his head] Up here, I'm already gone.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: You've got to apologize.
Jerry: Why?
George Costanza: Because its the mature and adult thing to do.
Jerry: How does that affect me?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Frank Costanza: [yelling] Serenity now. Serenity now.
George Costanza: What is that?
Frank Costanza: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW"
George Costanza: Are you supposed to yell it?
Frank Costanza: The man on the tape wasn't specific.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Frank Costanza: I am not allowing my wife to date a bra salesman.
Estelle Costanza: Hey, he only sells them, he doesn't wear them.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Frank Costanza: Many Christmas' ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way.
Cosmo Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Frank Costanza: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
Elaine: You got that right.
Frank Costanza: What the hell does that mean?
Elaine: That means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
Frank Costanza: You saying you want a piece of me? [hits his chest]
Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
Frank Costanza: [yelling] You want a piece of me? You got it!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Frank Costanza: You have the chicken, the hen, and the rooster. The chicken goes with the hen... So who is having sex with the rooster?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Frank Costanza: You have the rooster, the hen, and the chicken. The rooster goes with the chicken... So who's having sex with the hen?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Dr. Sarah Sitarides: Wow, restaurant. Flowers...
Jerry: Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life-saving business?
Dr. Sarah Sitarides: It's fine.
Jerry: Well, it must take a really big zit to kill a man.
Dr. Sarah Sitarides: What is with you?
Jerry: You say you're a dermatologist? Well, I call you Pimple Popper, MD.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Mr. Lippman: It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George Costanza: Who said that?
Mr. Lippman: She did.
George Costanza: [pause] Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorence on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.
Mr. Lippman: You're fired!
George Costanza: Well, you didn't have to say it like that.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Mr. Ross: I don't think there's any greater tragedy than when parents outlive their children.
George Costanza: Yes, I hope my parents die long before I do.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Gina: [Gina's boyfriend Martin is in a coma] Kiss me right in front of him.
Jerry: I can't. What if he wakes up.
Gina: A man is lying here unconscious and you're afraid of him. What kind of a man are you?
Jerry: I'm a man who respects a good coma.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.
George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George Costanza: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.
George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cushman: Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience?
George Costanza: Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
Cushman: Go on.
George Costanza: All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it.
Cushman: Do you talk to everybody like this?
George Costanza: Of course.
Cushman: My niece told me you were different.
George Costanza: I am different, yeah.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Ronnie: [to George] I've been living a lie.
George Costanza: You've been living a lie? I've been living... like twenty.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Ronnie: I heard you went down to this woman's office and heckled her.
Jerry: Damn right. It's time we stopped being lapdogs. Who are they to heckle us? It's time one of us drew a line in the sand.
Ronnie: I gotta tell you, everybody's talking about it. You're like Rosa Parks. You've opened a brand new door for all of us. I can't wait for the next time that somebody heckles me.
Jerry: Well, that shouldn't be long...
TV Show: Seinfeld
Dean Jones: Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?
Cosmo Kramer: It may seem glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.
Dean Jones: As far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is nothing more than a solitary man with a messy apartment that may or may not contain a chicken!
Cosmo Kramer: And with Darrin's help, we'll get that chicken!
Dean Jones: I'm sorry; there's just no way we can allow Darrin to stay with you.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, this decision seems capricious and arbitrary.
Dean Jones: Your fly's open.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Marlene: I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
Jerry: You're a cashier.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Katya: In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian." You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Morty Seinfeld: We just came for the funeral.
Helen Seinfeld: Poor Marvin Kessler. He went too early.
Jerry: He was 96 years old.
Morty Seinfeld: And that had nothing to do with it. The man was out of shape.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Lloyd Braun: You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow.
George Costanza: What do you know? You were in the nut house.
Lloyd Braun: What do you think put me there?
George Costanza: I heard they found a family in your freezer.
Lloyd Braun: Serenity now. Insanity later.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Noel: I am breaking up with YOU.
George Costanza: You can't break up with me, I've got Hand.
Noel: And you're going to need it...
TV Show: Seinfeld