Seinfeld Quotes
Cosmo Kramer: Is this oak?
Mr. Lager: Think it's pine.
Cosmo Kramer: Pine is good.
Mr. Lager: Yeah, pine's okay.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Cosmo Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Cosmo Kramer: But they do, and they're the ones writing it off.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, I know myself. And if I'm on the streets, and it starts to go down, I don't back off, until its finished.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, why would I, a Juliard trained dermatologist, recommend that he go to see someone else?
Jerry: Because you're *not* a dermatologist.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: Just tell him you don't want to do the bootleg. I'm sure he'll understand.
Jerry: People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: Little Jerry is a lean, mean pecking machine.
George Costanza: Celia is up for parole.
Cosmo Kramer: [looks at George] Who?
George Costanza: [looks at Kramer] What? [both look at Jerry for an explanation]
Jerry: I'm too tired.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: Mmm... boy, that Hennigan's goes down smooth. And afterwards you don't even smell. That's right folks. I've just had three shots of Hennigan's and I don't even smell. Imagine: you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigan's: no smell, no tell, Scotch
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: No, she was completely topless.
George Costanza: How good of a look did you get?
Jerry: What do you mean?
George Costanza: Say she was a criminal and you had to describe her to the police...
Jerry: They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: Remember my idea about rickshaws in New York? Well we're gonna make it happen.
Jerry: No your not.
Cosmo Kramer: Well Newman knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office.
Jerry: No he doesn't.
Newman: He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss.
Jerry: Yes it can.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well, throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: See, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: See? This is why you need a fax machine and a copier.
Jerry: And a deadbolt.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: So what's going on between you and Gina?
Jerry: Well, I went with her to the hospital last night. So we're in the room, and she's trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.
Cosmo Kramer: See, that's the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what'd you do?
Jerry: Nothing.
Cosmo Kramer: What kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
Jerry: Wow.
George Costanza: You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.
Jerry: Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Cosmo Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: Well, more bad news Jerry. You know the police they found another victim of the Loper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you.
Jerry: Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me.
Cosmo Kramer: Not as many as there used to be.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: Well, our rickshaw is gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he bolted.
Jerry: Well, you know, 80% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first six months.
Cosmo Kramer: [to Newman] We should've got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans, or his... other bag of cans.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: Well, we're talking to Elaine Benes, adult film star, on the set of her new movie "Elaine Does the Upper West Side".
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: Well, you got insurance, right?
Jerry: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, why not?
Jerry: Because I spent the money on the Clapco D-29, the state of the art in home security. It does have one design flaw; the door... [closes door]
Jerry: MUST BE CLOSED.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: What're you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time of year.
Jerry: It's your third day.
Cosmo Kramer: I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. [Walks out]
Jerry: [Leaning out the door] Well, call if you're gonna be late.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, well I'll tell ya, she's a full figured gal.
Jerry: Is she?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh you better believe it buddy.
TV Show: Seinfeld