Seinfeld Quotes
George: I don't get art.
Jerry: There's nothing to get.
George: No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.
Jerry: There's nothing to get.
George: No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: All bald people look good in hats.
Elaine: You should have lived in the twenties and thirties. You know, men wore hats all the time then.
George: What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.
Elaine: You should have lived in the twenties and thirties. You know, men wore hats all the time then.
George: What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Like you didn't call me a phony?
Mike: What? [to Kramer] Thanks! Real good! [back to Jerry] Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complimentary way. I mean, you know when people say, "He's bad," it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.
Jerry: Use it in a sentence.
Mike: Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. [to Kramer] Why'd you tell him?
Kramer: He begged me!
Mike: He begged you?
Mike: What? [to Kramer] Thanks! Real good! [back to Jerry] Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complimentary way. I mean, you know when people say, "He's bad," it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.
Jerry: Use it in a sentence.
Mike: Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. [to Kramer] Why'd you tell him?
Kramer: He begged me!
Mike: He begged you?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Kramer: Do you ever yearn?
George: Yearn? Do I yearn?
Kramer: I yearn.
George: You yearn?
Kramer: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit... and yearn. Have you yearned?
George: Well, not recently. I've craved. Constant craving.
George: Yearn? Do I yearn?
Kramer: I yearn.
George: You yearn?
Kramer: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit... and yearn. Have you yearned?
George: Well, not recently. I've craved. Constant craving.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: You're not really going to California, are you?
Kramer[pointing to his head]: Up here, I'm already gone!
Kramer[pointing to his head]: Up here, I'm already gone!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Voice: Murphy Brown.
Kramer: Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.
Voice: Who's calling please?
Kramer: Well, just tell her that it's Kramer.
[dial tone]
Kramer: Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.
Voice: Who's calling please?
Kramer: Well, just tell her that it's Kramer.
[dial tone]
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: I dress by mood.
Jerry: And what mood is this?
George: This is Morning Mist.
Jerry: And what mood is this?
George: This is Morning Mist.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
Telemarketer: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Telemarketer: No.
Jerry: Well now you know how I feel. [hangs up]
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
Telemarketer: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Telemarketer: No.
Jerry: Well now you know how I feel. [hangs up]
TV Show: Seinfeld
Kramer: No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees in life.
Newman: No, but there's karma, Kramer.
Jerry: "Karma Kramer"?
Newman: No, but there's karma, Kramer.
Jerry: "Karma Kramer"?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Newman: So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life! A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Don't you hate "To be continued" on TV? It's horrible when you sense the "To be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show; you're into the story. There's, like, five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it. Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in five minutes." I mean, the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm... Can you come back next week?"
TV Show: Seinfeld
Morty: They stole my wallet. The bum stole my wallet. MY WALLET'S GONE! MY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It’s gone.
Nurse: Are you sure?
Morty: Yes, I'm sure. I went in to get my x-ray. Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the operation here?
Nurse: Are you sure?
Morty: Yes, I'm sure. I went in to get my x-ray. Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the operation here?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: Just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay. Can you do that?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend... Have we been intimate?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, we've been intimate.
Kramer: How often do we do it?
Elaine: Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that?
Kramer: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.
Elaine: Alright, alright. We do it, uh...five times a week, okay?
Kramer: Oooh, baby.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend... Have we been intimate?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, we've been intimate.
Kramer: How often do we do it?
Elaine: Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that?
Kramer: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.
Elaine: Alright, alright. We do it, uh...five times a week, okay?
Kramer: Oooh, baby.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Helen: If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you.
Jerry: She's pretty. She's not beautiful.
Helen: I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.
Jerry: I think that's a little extreme.
Leo: She's alright..
Jerry: She's pretty. She's not beautiful.
Helen: I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.
Jerry: I think that's a little extreme.
Leo: She's alright..
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: He's a bubble boy!
George: A bubble boy?!
Jerry: Yes! A bubble boy!
Susan: What's a bubble boy?
Jerry: He lives in a bubble!
George: Boy.
George: A bubble boy?!
Jerry: Yes! A bubble boy!
Susan: What's a bubble boy?
Jerry: He lives in a bubble!
George: Boy.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[trying to avoid hearing Naomi's obnoxious laugh]
Naomi: I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you were happy-go-lucky.
Jerry: No, nah. I'm not happy and I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything I'm sad stop unlucky.
Naomi: Hahahaha.
Jerry: That's not funny, Naomi. I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV guide. I think uh, Holocaust is on.
Naomi: I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you were happy-go-lucky.
Jerry: No, nah. I'm not happy and I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything I'm sad stop unlucky.
Naomi: Hahahaha.
Jerry: That's not funny, Naomi. I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV guide. I think uh, Holocaust is on.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Susan: (reading one of the letters) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my..orgasm has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work..I love you madly, John...P.S. Loved the cabin."
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they're all "laid out for me".
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Why don't you just get lost?
Man: Why don't you get lost?!
Jerry: Because I was standing here, that's why!
Man: Oh yeah?!
Jerry: Yeah!
(The man walks away)
Jerry: I kinda like this opera crowd. I feel tough. Anybody else got a problem?
Man: Why don't you get lost?!
Jerry: Because I was standing here, that's why!
Man: Oh yeah?!
Jerry: Yeah!
(The man walks away)
Jerry: I kinda like this opera crowd. I feel tough. Anybody else got a problem?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa and my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, "ahh!", staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed. So, I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm; who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: She's a virgin. I just found out.
Elaine: Well, I didn't know!
Jerry: Well, it's not like spotting a toupee.
Elaine: Well, I didn't know!
Jerry: Well, it's not like spotting a toupee.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Jerry: Dating Marla.
George: Oh, the virgin?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest?
Jerry: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.
Jerry: Dating Marla.
George: Oh, the virgin?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest?
Jerry: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: What're you looking at?
Jerry: There's a naked woman across the street.
Elaine: [chuckling] This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. So, my friend, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.
Jerry: Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back.
Elaine: So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
George: Have a good time.
Jerry: There's a naked woman across the street.
Elaine: [chuckling] This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. So, my friend, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.
Jerry: Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back.
Elaine: So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
George: Have a good time.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Guard: All right, let's go.
Prisoner: I want the magazine!
George: Umm... No.
Prisoner: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles..
George: But you are, "Blanche"! You are in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my "Time" magazine! Last copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow in the park! It's supposed to be a beautiful day! Have a nice life..sentence, that is!
Prisoner: I want the magazine!
George: Umm... No.
Prisoner: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles..
George: But you are, "Blanche"! You are in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my "Time" magazine! Last copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow in the park! It's supposed to be a beautiful day! Have a nice life..sentence, that is!
TV Show: Seinfeld