Seinfeld Quotes
George: [showing off his perfect parking spot to Elaine and Jerry] Maybe the baby would like to see the spot.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Kramer: I'm tellin' ya! The pigman is alive. The government's been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
Jerry: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
Kramer: Oh, Jerry. Would you wake up to reality! It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
Jerry: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
Kramer: Oh, Jerry. Would you wake up to reality! It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Gwen is breaking up with George]
Gwen: It's not you, it's me.
George: [appalled] You're giving me the "It's Not You, It's Me" routine? I invented "It's Not You, It's Me"! No one tells me it's them, not me! If it's anybody, it's me!
Gwen: [embarrassed] Alright, alright... George, it's you.
George: You're damn right, it's me!
Gwen: It's not you, it's me.
George: [appalled] You're giving me the "It's Not You, It's Me" routine? I invented "It's Not You, It's Me"! No one tells me it's them, not me! If it's anybody, it's me!
Gwen: [embarrassed] Alright, alright... George, it's you.
George: You're damn right, it's me!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Driver: I'm so sorry, you'll have to forgive me. I can't hear a damn thing. I went to that rock concert last night at the garden. My seats were right up against the speaker. It's a heavy metal group. "Metalli"-something.
Kramer: "Ca".
Driver: Huh?
George: Wha..?
Jerry: "Ca".
George: Ah.
Kramer: "Ca".
Driver: Huh?
George: Wha..?
Jerry: "Ca".
George: Ah.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Doctor: I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
George: Hmm. Really? Nothing?
Doctor: Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms.
George: Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?
Doctor: No, not really.
George: How so?
Doctor: May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?
George: Hmm. Really? Nothing?
Doctor: Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms.
George: Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?
Doctor: No, not really.
George: How so?
Doctor: May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Enzo: You happy with the haircut?
Newman: It's okay. A little crooked.
Enzo: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months.
Newman: What's the catch?
Enzo: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.
Newman: That job sounds like it might be worth a year of free haircuts. And a comb.
Newman: It's okay. A little crooked.
Enzo: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months.
Newman: What's the catch?
Enzo: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.
Newman: That job sounds like it might be worth a year of free haircuts. And a comb.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Gino: So I love the Edward Scissorhands. That's the best movie I've ever seen.
Enzo: Ah, again with the Edward Scissorhands. How can you have hand like scissors, huh? Show me one person who's got hand like scissors!
Gino: Hey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love to be this man.
Enzo: Did you ever think about what you're going to do on the toilet? What are you going to do on the toilet?
Kramer: I'd like to have shoehorn hands.
Enzo: Ah, again with the Edward Scissorhands. How can you have hand like scissors, huh? Show me one person who's got hand like scissors!
Gino: Hey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love to be this man.
Enzo: Did you ever think about what you're going to do on the toilet? What are you going to do on the toilet?
Kramer: I'd like to have shoehorn hands.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime.
Jerry: You're a lucky guy.
Jerry: You're a lucky guy.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Father/Priest: Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?
George: I like the hats.
George: I like the hats.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: By Christmas Day,I will be brother Costanza
Jerry: And what does brother Costanza plan on telling mother Costanza
George: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of Silence
Jerry: And what does brother Costanza plan on telling mother Costanza
George: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of Silence
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: You're crazy.
Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world crashing down all around you?
Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world crashing down all around you?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Uh, I don't feel so good.
Elaine: What's wrong?
Jerry: My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie.
Elaine: The black and white?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Not getting along?
Elaine: What's wrong?
Jerry: My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie.
Elaine: The black and white?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Not getting along?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Man: [Bumps into George and angrily says] Big Coat!
George: Yes, Its a big coat!
Kramer: Be careful with that coat, you'll start a war!
George: Yes, Its a big coat!
Kramer: Be careful with that coat, you'll start a war!
TV Show: Seinfeld
[using the ATM at the same time as the person next to him]
Jerry: "Cash advance"? Yes... no. "Balance inquiry"? No. "Receipt"? No. Processing... processing... processing. [to the person next to him] I win!
Jerry: "Cash advance"? Yes... no. "Balance inquiry"? No. "Receipt"? No. Processing... processing... processing. [to the person next to him] I win!
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Ricky's supervisor: Ricky, we've been getting a tremendous response to your TR-6 mannequin.
Ricky: TR-6? I prefer to think of her as... Elaine.
Ricky: TR-6? I prefer to think of her as... Elaine.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: How do you stop a kid from growing?
Kramer: I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.
Mickey: I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.
Kramer: I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.
Mickey: I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: Why don't they just hire another midget?
Mickey: It's "little people"...You got that?!
Mickey: It's "little people"...You got that?!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Kramer: Hey Elaine, what do you say, if neither of us is married in 10 years, we get hitched?
Elaine: Make it 50.
Kramer: We're engaged!
Elaine: Make it 50.
Kramer: We're engaged!
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?
Elaine: Yeah, it's a social thing.
George: What if he left you a used Kleenex? What's that, a valentine?
Elaine: Yeah, it's a social thing.
George: What if he left you a used Kleenex? What's that, a valentine?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: She lives with her parents.
George: Really? Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.
Jerry: Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on.
George: Really? Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.
Jerry: Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: [during stand-up] To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there...you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it...you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual?
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?
Fireman: How do you live with yourself?
George: It's not easy.
Fireman: How do you live with yourself?
George: It's not easy.
TV Show: Seinfeld