South Park Quotes
Announcer: You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, twelve-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. And now, MTV News, the news that is singlehandedly dumbing down our country. Which is cool. Here's your host, Kurt Loder
Kurt Loder: Why am I still doing this? I've got to be the oldest person in this network by at least 40 years.
Announcer: Kurt Loder didn't just say that. No wait, he did just say it, but just to be cool. That's what makes him cool. You think Kurt Loder is cool. And now, the news that's cool.
Kurt Loder: Why am I still doing this? I've got to be the oldest person in this network by at least 40 years.
Announcer: Kurt Loder didn't just say that. No wait, he did just say it, but just to be cool. That's what makes him cool. You think Kurt Loder is cool. And now, the news that's cool.
TV Show: South Park
Kurt Loder: Phil Collins, by the way, divorced his wife via fax and then married a 27-year-old.
TV Show: South Park
[outside the hotel, as Stuart is being put into the ambulance]
Kenny's Mom: Are you all right, Stuart?
Stuart: Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, and been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men. [sobs] I just wanna go home and take a--a hot bath!
Kenny's Mom: Are you all right, Stuart?
Stuart: Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, and been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men. [sobs] I just wanna go home and take a--a hot bath!
TV Show: South Park
Lead Agent: [to NAMBLA leader] We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?
NAMBLA Leader: Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today. Our forefathers came to this country because...they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom." They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes it's easier to persecute than to understand.
Kyle: Dude, you have sex with children!
NAMBLA Leader: We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then, I guess you'll just have to put us away.
Kyle: [slowly] Dude. You have sex with children!
Stan: Yeah. You know, we believe in equality for everybody, and tolerance, and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.
Kyle: Seriously.
NAMBLA Leader: Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today. Our forefathers came to this country because...they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom." They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes it's easier to persecute than to understand.
Kyle: Dude, you have sex with children!
NAMBLA Leader: We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then, I guess you'll just have to put us away.
Kyle: [slowly] Dude. You have sex with children!
Stan: Yeah. You know, we believe in equality for everybody, and tolerance, and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.
Kyle: Seriously.
TV Show: South Park
Mr Garrison: I do not have sex with boys. I like men my own age. Ah! I mean I like women. Ah! What did I just say? I like titties!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I've outgrown all of my friends. I need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog. [stares at Clyde Frog] Ohhh, great idea, Clyde Frog! I can meet new friends on the Internet! [on computer] Here's a chat room: 'Men who like young boys'...that's perfect! [types a message under screen name 'BigBoned'] Hi everybody! I am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. I am eight years old and-- [he gets cut off and subsequently bombarded by messages from old guys] Wow, look at all these guys that want to be my friend! I'll pick...'Tony316'.
[online conversation]
BigBoned: Hi Tony!
Tony316: So what R U into?
BigBoned: Oh, U know, the usual stuff. : ) [Cartman says it out loud as 'smiley face']
Tony316: Kewl. Wanna get together? : ) [Cartman again pronounces 'smiley face']
BigBoned: Sure, Tony. That would be kewl. ;) [Cartman pronounces 'winking smiley face']
Tony316: Meet me at Mel's Buffet Restaurant tomorrow morning.
BigBoned: Sounds good, see ya then! <@: ) [Cartman: Clown hat...curly hair...smiley face!]
[online conversation]
BigBoned: Hi Tony!
Tony316: So what R U into?
BigBoned: Oh, U know, the usual stuff. : ) [Cartman says it out loud as 'smiley face']
Tony316: Kewl. Wanna get together? : ) [Cartman again pronounces 'smiley face']
BigBoned: Sure, Tony. That would be kewl. ;) [Cartman pronounces 'winking smiley face']
Tony316: Meet me at Mel's Buffet Restaurant tomorrow morning.
BigBoned: Sounds good, see ya then! <@: ) [Cartman: Clown hat...curly hair...smiley face!]
TV Show: South Park
Stan: But they're gonna say "shit" and you're gonna miss it.
Kyle: I don't really give a fuck.
Kyle: I don't really give a fuck.
TV Show: South Park
Garrison: Well, they can't say fag, you have to be a homosexual to say that.
Randy: You mean I can't say [beep]?
Garrison: No, see, you got beeped.
Guy: You mean you have to be a [beep] to say [beep]?
Garrison: Yep.
Jimbo: Well that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag." [he looks shocked]
Randy: Hey...you didn't get beeped.
Jimbo: Uh-oh.
Garrison: Well, I guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freakin' fag. You wanna go make out or something?
Randy: You mean I can't say [beep]?
Garrison: No, see, you got beeped.
Guy: You mean you have to be a [beep] to say [beep]?
Garrison: Yep.
Jimbo: Well that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag." [he looks shocked]
Randy: Hey...you didn't get beeped.
Jimbo: Uh-oh.
Garrison: Well, I guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freakin' fag. You wanna go make out or something?
TV Show: South Park
[the boys are in the library searching for the cause of people's serious illness]
Cartman: [urgently] You guys! Look here! [the group rushes over] In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand in her shoe! That could explain how Kyle got it in his vagina!
Kyle: Dammit, I'm serious!
Cartman: So am I, Kyle--with that sand in your vagina, you're a ticking time bomb.
Cartman: [urgently] You guys! Look here! [the group rushes over] In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand in her shoe! That could explain how Kyle got it in his vagina!
Kyle: Dammit, I'm serious!
Cartman: So am I, Kyle--with that sand in your vagina, you're a ticking time bomb.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [over PA] Attention, shoppers, outside today we have Cripple Fight. Cripple Fight, outside.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [searching online for a new friend] Okay, let's try this again. [typing] Hi everyone. I am looking for fun times with older male. I like to-- [interrupted again by even more older men] Oh, this one looks good. "Hung Daddy'. [typing] Hello, Hung Daddy.
Hung Daddy: Hi. I am 8 1/2 inches.
Cartman: Man, dude. This guy is tiny. He must be a dwarf. [typing] Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. Midgets piss me off. : (
Hung Daddy: Hi. I am 8 1/2 inches.
Cartman: Man, dude. This guy is tiny. He must be a dwarf. [typing] Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. Midgets piss me off. : (
TV Show: South Park
Mr Garrison: [writing] Diana had never slept with another woman before, but it was an erotic thought she often fantasized about. [aside to Mr. Hat] Oh, yeah, Mr. Hat! Hot lesbo scene comin' up! And as Rebecca's naked body lay before her, Diana couldn't help but feel aroused. "Go on," Rebecca said softly. "Touch me." Diana leaned down slowly and brushed Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips. It felt good. Like a penis. A soft, but sturdy penis that felt warm to the touch. In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt like she was surrounded by penises. They were all around her, flopping all around and slapping her face. It was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises. They presented themselves, tall and mighty, all around her, wi- [Mr. Hat slowly slides under the desk] Mr. Hat, what the hell are you doing? ...oh, Mr. Hat!
TV Show: South Park
Stan and Kyle: Hello, Chef.
Chef: My name isn't Chef anymore, children. I converted to Islam.
Stan: Islam?
Chef: From now on, my name is Abdul Mohammed Jabar Rauf Kareem Ali.
Chef: My name isn't Chef anymore, children. I converted to Islam.
Stan: Islam?
Chef: From now on, my name is Abdul Mohammed Jabar Rauf Kareem Ali.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I'm sorry, Chef, Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch.
Mr. Hat: Don't apologize for me to that spearchucker!
Mr. Hat: Don't apologize for me to that spearchucker!
TV Show: South Park
KKK: [chanting] White power! White power!
Klan Leader: Well that's enough rallying for this afternoon, members! Let's take a hot shower.
KKK: [chanting] Hot shower! Hot shower! Hot shower!
Klan Leader: Well that's enough rallying for this afternoon, members! Let's take a hot shower.
KKK: [chanting] Hot shower! Hot shower! Hot shower!
TV Show: South Park
Jimbo: [whispering] All right, Ned, we gotta be careful. These are really evil men we're dealing with here...
Ned: [loudly because of his voicebox] Okay...
Jimbo: [whispering angrily] Dammit, Ned, doesn't that thing have a volume control?
Ned: [loudly] No.
Ned: [loudly because of his voicebox] Okay...
Jimbo: [whispering angrily] Dammit, Ned, doesn't that thing have a volume control?
Ned: [loudly] No.
TV Show: South Park
Klan Leader: Now, brothers, it is time for us all to come together and do our cake raffle!
KKK: [conversing] Oooooh, Cake Raffle!
Klan Leader: This week's winner is 2...9...7...4.
Klan Member: I won! I won! I won the cake!
Klan Leader: Good job, Brother.
KKK: [conversing] Oooooh, Cake Raffle!
Klan Leader: This week's winner is 2...9...7...4.
Klan Member: I won! I won! I won the cake!
Klan Leader: Good job, Brother.
TV Show: South Park
Wendy: Miiis-suuus Landers was a health nut. She cooked food in a wok. Mr. Harris was her boyfriend, and he had a great big-
Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit
And I don't want my breakfast, because it tastes like-
Shih tzus make good house pets. They're cuddly and sweet.
Monkeys aren't good to have, because they like to beat their-
Meeting in the office or meeting in the hall,
The boss, he wants to see you so you can suck his
Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt
Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a-
Contaminated water can really make you sick.
Your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your-
Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck
And if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying fuck!
Cartman: Thanks Wendy. Don't call us, we won't call you neither.
Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit
And I don't want my breakfast, because it tastes like-
Shih tzus make good house pets. They're cuddly and sweet.
Monkeys aren't good to have, because they like to beat their-
Meeting in the office or meeting in the hall,
The boss, he wants to see you so you can suck his
Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt
Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a-
Contaminated water can really make you sick.
Your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your-
Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck
And if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying fuck!
Cartman: Thanks Wendy. Don't call us, we won't call you neither.
TV Show: South Park
Fingerbang: Fingerbang! Bang bang! Fingerbang! Bang bang bang! I'm gonna fingerbang bang you into my life! Girl you you like to fingerbang and that's all right! 'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang and let's not fight. I'm gonna fingerbang bang you every night. I'm gonna fingerbang bang you every night!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: You guys, I had a dream of how I can make ten million dollars. You ready? ...Boy band.
Stan: Boy band?
Cartman: Boy band.
Kyle: I'm not joining any faggy boy band.
Cartman: There's nothing faggy about ten million dollars, asshole!
Stan: Boy band?
Cartman: Boy band.
Kyle: I'm not joining any faggy boy band.
Cartman: There's nothing faggy about ten million dollars, asshole!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Hey Cartman, what does "fingerbang" mean, anyway?
Cartman: I heard it on HBO, it means, like, you know, when you pretend to use your finger like a gun or something.
Kenny: [laughs] That's not what it means.
Stan: Kenny says that's not what it means.
Cartman: Oookay, Kenny, what does "fingerbang" mean then?
Kenny: It's when you take your finger, and you stick it in a vagina and you stick it again and again.
Cartman: ...What? What?! Who the hell would do that?! Jesus Christ! Grow up, Kenny, would you?!
Cartman: I heard it on HBO, it means, like, you know, when you pretend to use your finger like a gun or something.
Kenny: [laughs] That's not what it means.
Stan: Kenny says that's not what it means.
Cartman: Oookay, Kenny, what does "fingerbang" mean then?
Kenny: It's when you take your finger, and you stick it in a vagina and you stick it again and again.
Cartman: ...What? What?! Who the hell would do that?! Jesus Christ! Grow up, Kenny, would you?!
TV Show: South Park
Sister Anne: Now let me explain how communion works. The priest will give you this round cracker. And this cracker is the body of Christ.
Cartman: Jesus was made of…crackers?
Sister Anne: No.
Stan: But crackers are his body.
Sister Anne: Yes.
Kenny: What?
Sister Anne: In the book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said "Eat this, for it is my body."
Cartman: So we won't go to Hell as long as we eat crackers.
Sister Anne: No no no no!
Butters: Well, what are we eating then?
Sister Anne: The body of Christ!
Stan: No no no, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals...so he turned himself into crackers and then told people to eat him.
Sister Anne: No!
Stan: No?!
Butters: I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.
Sister Anne: Look, all you need to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it. Okay?
Boys: Okay...
Sister Anne: And then you will drink a very small amount of wine. For that, is the blood of Christ.
Cartman: Oh come on now, this is just getting silly.
Sister Anne: Eric, do you want to go to hell?
Cartman: No!
Sister Anne: Then stop questioning me.
Cartman: Jesus was made of…crackers?
Sister Anne: No.
Stan: But crackers are his body.
Sister Anne: Yes.
Kenny: What?
Sister Anne: In the book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said "Eat this, for it is my body."
Cartman: So we won't go to Hell as long as we eat crackers.
Sister Anne: No no no no!
Butters: Well, what are we eating then?
Sister Anne: The body of Christ!
Stan: No no no, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals...so he turned himself into crackers and then told people to eat him.
Sister Anne: No!
Stan: No?!
Butters: I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.
Sister Anne: Look, all you need to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it. Okay?
Boys: Okay...
Sister Anne: And then you will drink a very small amount of wine. For that, is the blood of Christ.
Cartman: Oh come on now, this is just getting silly.
Sister Anne: Eric, do you want to go to hell?
Cartman: No!
Sister Anne: Then stop questioning me.
TV Show: South Park
Stan: [after Kenny is hit by a bus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
Butters: He had sins that he didn't confess!
Stan: He's doomed.
Butters: He had sins that he didn't confess!
Stan: He's doomed.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.
TV Show: South Park
Satan: No, it can't be! You're dead! I killed you!
Saddam Hussein: Yeah, you killed me. So? Where was I gonna go, Detroit?
Saddam Hussein: Yeah, you killed me. So? Where was I gonna go, Detroit?
TV Show: South Park