South Park Quotes
[Cartman stands on a platform and is preaching to the kids]
Cartman: I am saying this because we must be saved-ah. The Lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-ah. If you do not live your life for Him-ah, then to the lake of fire you shall go-ah!
Principal Victoria: [approaches with parents behind the gathering] You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman.
Cartman: [meanwhile, in the background] Well, God is gonna heal those eyes and save you from the devil begone-ah! O praise His name!
Principal Victoria: Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.
Cartman: [in the background] But some of you believe in the power of God-ah! Do you believe he is gonna cure your face of the uglies?
Ms. Cartman: [to Eric] Poopikins, it's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie!
Cartman: I am saying this because we must be saved-ah. The Lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-ah. If you do not live your life for Him-ah, then to the lake of fire you shall go-ah!
Principal Victoria: [approaches with parents behind the gathering] You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman.
Cartman: [meanwhile, in the background] Well, God is gonna heal those eyes and save you from the devil begone-ah! O praise His name!
Principal Victoria: Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.
Cartman: [in the background] But some of you believe in the power of God-ah! Do you believe he is gonna cure your face of the uglies?
Ms. Cartman: [to Eric] Poopikins, it's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie!
TV Show: South Park
[Cartman preaching behind the school]
Cartman: Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was a playful school-going 8-year-old. And then yesterday, he was smacked down by the Lord-ah! God bitch-slapped him right down to the fiery depths of hell-ah!
Cartman: Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was a playful school-going 8-year-old. And then yesterday, he was smacked down by the Lord-ah! God bitch-slapped him right down to the fiery depths of hell-ah!
TV Show: South Park
[Kenny has arrived in Mexico]
Kenny: [muffled by his parka] Where am I?
Mexican: Qué?
Kenny: [muffled] Where am I?!
Mexican: Qué?
Kenny: [muffled by his parka] Where am I?
Mexican: Qué?
Kenny: [muffled] Where am I?!
Mexican: Qué?
TV Show: South Park
[Cartman preaching in church]
Cartman: Friends, I have to tell you that last night I received a phone call from beyond the grave-ah.
[the kids gasp]
Cartman: It was our departed friend, Kenny, calling from the depths of Hell and he described what Hell is like in horrid detail-ah. He said that in Hell, the smell is awful. He says that in Hell...everyone speaks Spanish!
[gasp]
Cartman: He said there is water in Hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-ah!
[gasp]
Cartman: And perhaps worst of all, in Hell there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in them-ah!
[gasp]
Cartman: Friends, I have to tell you that last night I received a phone call from beyond the grave-ah.
[the kids gasp]
Cartman: It was our departed friend, Kenny, calling from the depths of Hell and he described what Hell is like in horrid detail-ah. He said that in Hell, the smell is awful. He says that in Hell...everyone speaks Spanish!
[gasp]
Cartman: He said there is water in Hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-ah!
[gasp]
Cartman: And perhaps worst of all, in Hell there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in them-ah!
[gasp]
TV Show: South Park
Protestant: Hey, wait a minute, I was a complete and devout Protestant. I thought we got into Heaven?
Hell Orientation Director: Yes, well, I'm afraid you were wrong.
Jehovah's Witness: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Hell Orientation Director: You picked the wrong religion as well.
Random Orientation Attendee: Well, who was right? Who got into Heaven?
Hell Orientation Director: I'm afraid it was the [1]... Mormons were the correct answer.
Orientation Attendees: [collective groan]
Hell Orientation Director: Yes, well, I'm afraid you were wrong.
Jehovah's Witness: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Hell Orientation Director: You picked the wrong religion as well.
Random Orientation Attendee: Well, who was right? Who got into Heaven?
Hell Orientation Director: I'm afraid it was the [1]... Mormons were the correct answer.
Orientation Attendees: [collective groan]
TV Show: South Park
Chris: Satan!
Satan: Chris!
[they run to embrace each other]
Satan: But I thought Saddam killed you?
Chris: Well, yeah, where was I going to go, Detroit?
Satan: Chris!
[they run to embrace each other]
Satan: But I thought Saddam killed you?
Chris: Well, yeah, where was I going to go, Detroit?
TV Show: South Park
God: [after hearing Satan's story] Jesus, what the hell happened to you?
Satan: Huh?
God: You got kicked out of here for being a headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.
Satan: Huh?
God: You got kicked out of here for being a headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.
TV Show: South Park
Bill Cosby Robot: [drawing a gun] Well, that does it!
Kyle: Hey, what are you doing?
Bill Cosby Robot: I have no other choice. For the sake of humanity I have to kill him. [Cartman]
Kyle: Oh, okay.
Stan: That's fine. [pauses] No, wait!
Bill Cosby Robot: What?
Stan: Can I do it?
Bill Cosby Robot: Oh well, I suppose. [hands gun over to Stan]
Stan: Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye, Fatboy!
Bill Cosby Robot: Wait, perhaps there is another way. If you take me to where Eric Cartman lives, I could try reasoning with his human mother.
Stan: Well, yeah. Or we could just kill him.
Kyle: Yeah, that would be faster.
Stan: He's right there.
Bill Cosby Robot: I'm afraid I can't. I think I'm actually starting to feel what you "humans" call compassion. It's an amazing feeling.
Stan and Kyle: Oh.
Kyle: Hey, what are you doing?
Bill Cosby Robot: I have no other choice. For the sake of humanity I have to kill him. [Cartman]
Kyle: Oh, okay.
Stan: That's fine. [pauses] No, wait!
Bill Cosby Robot: What?
Stan: Can I do it?
Bill Cosby Robot: Oh well, I suppose. [hands gun over to Stan]
Stan: Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye, Fatboy!
Bill Cosby Robot: Wait, perhaps there is another way. If you take me to where Eric Cartman lives, I could try reasoning with his human mother.
Stan: Well, yeah. Or we could just kill him.
Kyle: Yeah, that would be faster.
Stan: He's right there.
Bill Cosby Robot: I'm afraid I can't. I think I'm actually starting to feel what you "humans" call compassion. It's an amazing feeling.
Stan and Kyle: Oh.
TV Show: South Park
[Kyle enters the core of Cartman/Trapper Keeper]
Cartman/Trapper Keeper: What are you doing, Kyle?
Kyle: I'm going to shut down the Trapper Keeper's CPU.
Cartman/Trapper Keeper: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kyle.
Kyle: [angrily] Screw you, fatass.
Cartman/Trapper Keeper: Hey, screw you!
Cartman/Trapper Keeper: What are you doing, Kyle?
Kyle: I'm going to shut down the Trapper Keeper's CPU.
Cartman/Trapper Keeper: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kyle.
Kyle: [angrily] Screw you, fatass.
Cartman/Trapper Keeper: Hey, screw you!
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: : What the hell is that? [walks to the window and looks out] Oh my God! What is that thing?! Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom! [some of the kids slink down in their seats] Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door. [the doorknob turns and the kindergartners crouch in terror]
Rosie O'Donnell: : Hello, kids!
Rosie O'Donnell: : Hello, kids!
TV Show: South Park
[Trying to resolve the dispute over who has been elected kindergarten class president]
Mr. Garrison: All right, children. As you know, we've been waiting for the absent kid's ballot to come in. Well, his mother was nice enough to bring him in from the hospital so that he could cast his vote. Mrs. Harris?
[She comes in, guiding a sick boy hooked to an IV pole. He hands his ballot to Mr. Garrison and coughs something up onto the floor.]
Mr. Garrison: Thank you very much, Billy. Don't forget to pick up your lung.
[He picks it up and leaves with his mother.]
Mr. Garrison: All right, children. As you know, we've been waiting for the absent kid's ballot to come in. Well, his mother was nice enough to bring him in from the hospital so that he could cast his vote. Mrs. Harris?
[She comes in, guiding a sick boy hooked to an IV pole. He hands his ballot to Mr. Garrison and coughs something up onto the floor.]
Mr. Garrison: Thank you very much, Billy. Don't forget to pick up your lung.
[He picks it up and leaves with his mother.]
TV Show: South Park
[Kyle has agreed to buy a turkey from a rancher]
Kyle: How much?
Rancher: Fifty bucks.
Kyle: But you were just gonna take it out in the backyard and put a bullet in its head!
Rancher: I know! Now I gotta find somethin' else to shoot.
Kyle: How much?
Rancher: Fifty bucks.
Kyle: But you were just gonna take it out in the backyard and put a bullet in its head!
Rancher: I know! Now I gotta find somethin' else to shoot.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Speak to me, Helen. Let me be your voice. [nothing happens] Come on, you blind bitch! Channel your spirit through me!
TV Show: South Park
[Cartman has agreed to be blindfolded and earmuffed to get an idea of Helen Keller's perspective; he sees various frightening images]
Cartman: Oh, man!
Maynard: What did you see?
Cartman: Nothing, just the same old crap I always see when I close my eyes.
Cartman: Oh, man!
Maynard: What did you see?
Cartman: Nothing, just the same old crap I always see when I close my eyes.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Mackey: Every year the fourth-graders do The Miracle Worker and every year I have to sit and watch it.
Principal Victoria: Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it one more time I'd put a bullet in my head. But luckily I got really stoned before I came.
Principal Victoria: Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it one more time I'd put a bullet in my head. But luckily I got really stoned before I came.
TV Show: South Park
Pip: Joe, do you know anything about women?
Joe: Sure! They're those things with vaginas in 'em!
Joe: Sure! They're those things with vaginas in 'em!
TV Show: South Park
Pocket: Oh, we'll have a gay old time! ...and by "gay", I mean "happy" not "penetration of the bum"!
TV Show: South Park
Audience Member: Hey kid! I'll give you 20 bucks to eat a really old piece of bacon!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?
Chef: Dagnabbit children! How come every time you come in here you gotta be askin' me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! "Chef, what's the clitoris?" "What's a lesbian, Chef?" "How come they call it a rim job, Chef?" For once, can't you just come in here and say "Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"
Stan: Okay. Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?
Chef: Thank you. Yes, it is a nice day
Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?
Chef: Dagnabbit children! How come every time you come in here you gotta be askin' me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! "Chef, what's the clitoris?" "What's a lesbian, Chef?" "How come they call it a rim job, Chef?" For once, can't you just come in here and say "Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"
Stan: Okay. Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?
Chef: Thank you. Yes, it is a nice day
Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?
TV Show: South Park
Counselor Rick: Hello, camper! My name is Rick. How are you doing?
Cartman: Well, I'm pissed off, Rick! How are you?
Cartman: Well, I'm pissed off, Rick! How are you?
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: All right, I don't know who the hell put you all up to this, but I am not going to some gay-ass fat camp!
Mr. Mackey: Now, Eric, all these people are doing this because we care about you, m'kay?
Mr. Garrison: Except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when we told you.
Mr. Mackey: Now, Eric, all these people are doing this because we care about you, m'kay?
Mr. Garrison: Except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when we told you.
TV Show: South Park
Stan: [after the fake Kenny suffocates in Miss Crabtree's uterus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny! Sort of.
Kyle: Yeah! They killed Kenny's look-alike. You bastards!
Kyle: Yeah! They killed Kenny's look-alike. You bastards!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Mom, tell them how everyone in your family was big-boned, but then they got thinner as they grew.
Liane Cartman: Oh, those were just lies, sweetie. You're just a fat piece of crap who I never loved.
Liane Cartman: Oh, those were just lies, sweetie. You're just a fat piece of crap who I never loved.
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Dude. I don't know if I'm going to like the new Eric Cartman.
Stan: Did you like the old one?
Kyle: Good point.
Stan: Did you like the old one?
Kyle: Good point.
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: It's so unfair! How can my parents do that to me?!
Stan: Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes, dude. They get off on it.
Kyle: They're evil! I wish I didn't have any parents!!
Cartman: Well, you could make them go away for a while.
Kyle: How?!
Cartman: Well, I mean, you could call the police and have them take your parents away.
Stan: The police?
Cartman: Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you gotta do is call the police and say that your parents both molestered you.
Kyle: What's that?
Cartman: I don't know, but it works. When I wanted to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend, I just called the police, and said he was molestering me, and I haven't seen him for three months.
Stan: Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes, dude. They get off on it.
Kyle: They're evil! I wish I didn't have any parents!!
Cartman: Well, you could make them go away for a while.
Kyle: How?!
Cartman: Well, I mean, you could call the police and have them take your parents away.
Stan: The police?
Cartman: Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you gotta do is call the police and say that your parents both molestered you.
Kyle: What's that?
Cartman: I don't know, but it works. When I wanted to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend, I just called the police, and said he was molestering me, and I haven't seen him for three months.
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: What's "bad touch"?
Cartman: Something 'bout a swimsuit, I don't remember, but you definitely answer "bad touch"!
Cartman: Something 'bout a swimsuit, I don't remember, but you definitely answer "bad touch"!
TV Show: South Park
[Song that convinces Castro to convert to democracy]
Kyle: If I could have one wish, just one wish in the whole world
If I could have one wish, it would be for Cuba to change
'Cause I think all of the Cubans are in pain
All the joy in the world, from sea to shining sea
Doesn't mean a thing, if Cubans aren't free
I just can't be very happy, I'm certain
Not as long as your Cubans are hurtin'
Oh won't you search your soul and find a way to change your mind
That is my one and only wish
Kyle: If I could have one wish, just one wish in the whole world
If I could have one wish, it would be for Cuba to change
'Cause I think all of the Cubans are in pain
All the joy in the world, from sea to shining sea
Doesn't mean a thing, if Cubans aren't free
I just can't be very happy, I'm certain
Not as long as your Cubans are hurtin'
Oh won't you search your soul and find a way to change your mind
That is my one and only wish
TV Show: South Park
Linda: Hello, what's your name... What--what do you want?
Little Girl: We wanna play.
Linda: Mark, I'm scared.
Mark: Don't be scared, they're just kids. Where are your parents?
Little Boy: We already played with our parents.
Little Girl: Now we wanna play with you.
Mark: Okay, I'm scared now, too. That freaked me out.
Little Girl: We wanna play.
Linda: Mark, I'm scared.
Mark: Don't be scared, they're just kids. Where are your parents?
Little Boy: We already played with our parents.
Little Girl: Now we wanna play with you.
Mark: Okay, I'm scared now, too. That freaked me out.
TV Show: South Park