South Park Quotes
Butters: [talking through construction paper cut-out of a woman] Hey there good lookin', what's your name? [talking through "Butters" cut-out] Butters, Ma'am. [through cut-out of woman] Well Butters, would you like to slap my titties around? [smiles; through "Butters" cut-out] Oh, well! Uh. [sadly] No thanks, Ma'am. I'll get in trouble again. [puts cut-outs away]
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Don't worry, Kyle's just got a little sand in his vagina.
Kyle: There's no sand in my vagina!
Kyle: There's no sand in my vagina!
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Hey there, shitty-shitty fag-fag, shitty-shitty fag-fag, how do you do?
TV Show: South Park
Butters: I don't think I'm happy. I fall asleep to the sound of my own screams.
Magic Workshop Leader: ...right.
Butters: And in the morning, I wake up to the sound of my own screams.
Magic Workshop Leader: ...right.
Butters: And in the morning, I wake up to the sound of my own screams.
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Kyle?!
[Stan turns over a dead body of a bald cult member, it takes a moment for Stan to recognize him]
Stan: [gasps] Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: [offscreen, in the distance] You bastards!
Stan: Kyle? Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: [still offscreen, in the distance] You bastards!
Stan: [follows Kyle's voice] Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
[Stan turns over a dead body of a bald cult member, it takes a moment for Stan to recognize him]
Stan: [gasps] Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: [offscreen, in the distance] You bastards!
Stan: Kyle? Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: [still offscreen, in the distance] You bastards!
Stan: [follows Kyle's voice] Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [to Stan and Kyle] Ahhh, that's so sweet, you guys! Hey you wanna get a room so you can make out for a while? [laughs. Kyle kicks him in the balls] Ow! [Stan kicks him in the balls] Aargh! [boys take turns kicking him] Stop it! Aaargh!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea.
Butters: I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle.
Stan No, I'm Stan.
Kyle: You're Stan? Where's Kenny?
Stan: Who are you?
Kyle: I'm Kyle.
Cartman: He-he, guess who I am, guys?
Butters: I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle.
Stan No, I'm Stan.
Kyle: You're Stan? Where's Kenny?
Stan: Who are you?
Kyle: I'm Kyle.
Cartman: He-he, guess who I am, guys?
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: I'm not going anywhere.
Stan: Goddammit, I'm not going with you! I wanna stay here!
Kyle: Huh? I thought you wanted to leave.
Stan: Oh wait, who am I again?
Kyle: You're Stan.
Stan: Goddammit, I'm not going with you! I wanna stay here!
Kyle: Huh? I thought you wanted to leave.
Stan: Oh wait, who am I again?
Kyle: You're Stan.
TV Show: South Park
Thom Yorke: [in response to why the band should fly to Colorado] Didn't you hear the letter? This poor kid has cancer! In his ass!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [begins to wolf down the food] God, this is really good, Scott!
Scott: I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have something to tell you.
Cartman: [through a mouthful of chili] What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili? [everyone at Scott's end of the table is shocked, even Scott, at this accusation]
Scott: What?
Cartman: Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. [Chef looks like he's been used] It's delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. [Stan and Kyle are stunned] I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. [a shot of Cartman talking to Denkins, who is armed] I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. [a shot of Scott talking with his parents] And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. [the Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony. Seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them; they go down]
Mr. Denkins: [looks of horror surround him] Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I-I have my rights.
Scott: My...mom and dad are...dead? [a shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins]
Cartman: I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies...
Scott: I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have something to tell you.
Cartman: [through a mouthful of chili] What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili? [everyone at Scott's end of the table is shocked, even Scott, at this accusation]
Scott: What?
Cartman: Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. [Chef looks like he's been used] It's delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. [Stan and Kyle are stunned] I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. [a shot of Cartman talking to Denkins, who is armed] I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. [a shot of Scott talking with his parents] And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. [the Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony. Seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them; they go down]
Mr. Denkins: [looks of horror surround him] Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I-I have my rights.
Scott: My...mom and dad are...dead? [a shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins]
Cartman: I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies...
TV Show: South Park
Young Terrance and Phillip: Beef and lamb, chicken and ham
Step to the left and clap your hands!
Gosh, we love that chicken and ham
Don't they love that chicken and ham?
Woman: Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads?
Man: It's all right, darling. They're just Canadian.
Woman: Oh.
Step to the left and clap your hands!
Gosh, we love that chicken and ham
Don't they love that chicken and ham?
Woman: Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads?
Man: It's all right, darling. They're just Canadian.
Woman: Oh.
TV Show: South Park
Phillip: Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried aboot all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this "cold war."
Terrance: Here's a missile for ya! [farts]
Terrance: Here's a missile for ya! [farts]
TV Show: South Park
Phillip: Say, Terrance, what should we do aboot this strange planet we've crashed on?
Terrance: I don't know, Phillip. It seems like the alien species here breathe an inert gas.
Phillip: Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? [farts; they both laugh]
Goat Leader: As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas.
Phillip: Wow, that sucks.
Terrance: I don't know, Phillip. It seems like the alien species here breathe an inert gas.
Phillip: Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? [farts; they both laugh]
Goat Leader: As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas.
Phillip: Wow, that sucks.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Look, if you don't come and do this show, I'll make you eat your parents!
Phillip: Yeah, whatever, kid.
Stan: He'll do it, dude!
Phillip: Yeah, whatever, kid.
Stan: He'll do it, dude!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Look, you guys! That line isn't long!
Kyle: Yeah, but we're not female groupies or random sluts!
Cartman: Kenny's a random slut!
Kyle: Yeah, but we're not female groupies or random sluts!
Cartman: Kenny's a random slut!
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: [to God] Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: If you see anyone on my propertah, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with? The constant smell of aspirin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch.
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God.
TV Show: South Park
[Kyle is in the hospital after popping his hemorrhoid]
Stan: Dude, are you okay?
Kyle: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?
Stan: Dude, are you okay?
Kyle: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?
TV Show: South Park
Sharon: Stanley, what the hell are you doing!?
Stan: I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket, red rocket! [everyone is shocked]
Sharon: Stanley, go to your room, right now!
Stan: My room? Why?
Sharon: Go, Stanley! [chuckles nervously] He gets very good grades.
[later, in Stan's room]
Sharon: Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?
Stan: No.
Randy: Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. [Sharon looks at him] Uh, I mean ever. Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever.
Stan: I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket, red rocket! [everyone is shocked]
Sharon: Stanley, go to your room, right now!
Stan: My room? Why?
Sharon: Go, Stanley! [chuckles nervously] He gets very good grades.
[later, in Stan's room]
Sharon: Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?
Stan: No.
Randy: Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. [Sharon looks at him] Uh, I mean ever. Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever.
TV Show: South Park
Miss Choksondik: You think that sex is about fun and games and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease.
TV Show: South Park
Chef: The right time to start having sex is 17.
Sheila: So you mean 17 as long as you're in love?
Chef: Nope, just 17.
Gerald: But what if you're not ready at 17?
Chef: 17, you're ready.
Sheila: So you mean 17 as long as you're in love?
Chef: Nope, just 17.
Gerald: But what if you're not ready at 17?
Chef: 17, you're ready.
TV Show: South Park
Stan: [he and Kyle are playing with a girl doll and a plastic car] So, we meet again, Jennifer Lopez.
Kyle: [as Jennifer Lopez] No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make any more albums or movies!
Stan: That's what you said last time, but obviously we must resort to more drastic measures. [pulls out a magnifying glass and uses sun rays to burn the doll]
Kyle: AHHHHH, IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Stan: Scream for me, bitch!
Kyle: AHHH!
[the doll's face melts off]
Kyle and Stan: Whoa, awesome!
Kyle: [as Jennifer Lopez] No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make any more albums or movies!
Stan: That's what you said last time, but obviously we must resort to more drastic measures. [pulls out a magnifying glass and uses sun rays to burn the doll]
Kyle: AHHHHH, IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Stan: Scream for me, bitch!
Kyle: AHHH!
[the doll's face melts off]
Kyle and Stan: Whoa, awesome!
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Now, class, who can tell me what a condom is? Yes, Jenny?
Jenny: It flies around and it's endangered.
Mr. Garrison: That's a condor, Jenny. Condor. Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of STD's. Yes, Fillmore?
Fillmore: Can we do fingerpaints?
Mr. Garrison: NO, WE CAN'T DO FINGERPAINTS!! You kids want herpes, huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sounds good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. [pulls out a box of condoms and a dildo] First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth [he does so] ...and apply. [demonstrates on the dildo; one of the kids starts to cry] And it's as easy as that. Any questions?
Jenny: It flies around and it's endangered.
Mr. Garrison: That's a condor, Jenny. Condor. Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of STD's. Yes, Fillmore?
Fillmore: Can we do fingerpaints?
Mr. Garrison: NO, WE CAN'T DO FINGERPAINTS!! You kids want herpes, huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sounds good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. [pulls out a box of condoms and a dildo] First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth [he does so] ...and apply. [demonstrates on the dildo; one of the kids starts to cry] And it's as easy as that. Any questions?
TV Show: South Park
Chef: Parents. There are reasons why teachers can't teach sex in school. They might not know a lot about it, [camera fixes on Mr. Mackey] they might have a bad opinion of it, [camera moves to Ms. Choksondik] or they might just be a complete pervert. [camera moves to Mr Garrison]
Mr. Garrison: Hey! Why'd the camera pan over to me?
Mr. Garrison: Hey! Why'd the camera pan over to me?
TV Show: South Park
Ms. Choksondik: Are you wearing a condom?
Mr. Mackey: Uh, no.
Ms. Choksondik: Oh, well. Fuck it.
Mr. Mackey: Uh, no.
Ms. Choksondik: Oh, well. Fuck it.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Mackey: Eric, what the hell are you doing?
Cartman: I'm puttin' on a new condom. I filled the other one up.
Mr. Mackey: Why are you wearing a condom?
Cartman: So I don't get AIDS.
Mr. Mackey: Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex.
Cartman: I'm puttin' on a new condom. I filled the other one up.
Mr. Mackey: Why are you wearing a condom?
Cartman: So I don't get AIDS.
Mr. Mackey: Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex.
TV Show: South Park