South Park Quotes
Tweek: But, what if when I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except that one time?
Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except that one time?
TV Show: South Park
Chef: Oh, well hello there, children.
Stan: Chef, we did something kind of bad.
Chef: Ohh, I'm sure your little cracker problems ain't all that bad. Come on in. Now, just sit down and take a deep breath and tell ol' Chef what's goin' on.
Stan: We killed our teacher and they found our sea men in her stomach.
Chef: Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here: let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up. Sometimes you kill your teacher/And they find your semen in her stomach/And --wait! What the--WHAT?!
Stan: So what should we do?
[Chef pushes the couch where the boys are sitting outside and shuts the door]
Stan: Chef, we did something kind of bad.
Chef: Ohh, I'm sure your little cracker problems ain't all that bad. Come on in. Now, just sit down and take a deep breath and tell ol' Chef what's goin' on.
Stan: We killed our teacher and they found our sea men in her stomach.
Chef: Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here: let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up. Sometimes you kill your teacher/And they find your semen in her stomach/And --wait! What the--WHAT?!
Stan: So what should we do?
[Chef pushes the couch where the boys are sitting outside and shuts the door]
TV Show: South Park
Chef: Hello there, children.
Stan: Chef, what would a priest want to stick up my butt?
Chef: Goodbye.
Stan: Chef, what would a priest want to stick up my butt?
Chef: Goodbye.
TV Show: South Park
Bishop: O Great Queen Spider, we wish to change one of the Vatican laws.
Queen Spider: No, the Vatican laws cannot be changed, so sayeth the spider.
Queen Spider: No, the Vatican laws cannot be changed, so sayeth the spider.
TV Show: South Park
Sharon: So, what did you guys do with your day off today?
Stan: Cartman shoved food up his ass and crapped out his mouth.
Sharon: Stanley!
Stan: He did!
Randy: Stan, it doesn't work like that.
Stan: Yes it does.
Randy: No, it doesn't.
Stan: Yeah, it does.
[Randy curiously looks at his food]
Stan: Cartman shoved food up his ass and crapped out his mouth.
Sharon: Stanley!
Stan: He did!
Randy: Stan, it doesn't work like that.
Stan: Yes it does.
Randy: No, it doesn't.
Stan: Yeah, it does.
[Randy curiously looks at his food]
TV Show: South Park
Priest: Father, uh, having sex with boys is part of the Catholic priest's way of life.
TV Show: South Park
Cardinal: Well, what do you suggest we change, Father Maxi?
Father Maxi: Well, for one, no sex with boys.
Congregation: Awwwwww! Rabble rabble rabble!
Father Maxi: Well, for one, no sex with boys.
Congregation: Awwwwww! Rabble rabble rabble!
TV Show: South Park
Fat Man: If heaven is an 8-year-old boy and my penis were the United States, then there wou-- [cameraman steers away] Hard nipples! [cut to anchor]
Anchor: Goddammit. [holds up static screen and imitates static]
Anchor: Goddammit. [holds up static screen and imitates static]
TV Show: South Park
Father Maxi: Well, maybe we could change the law to say that it's okay for a priest to have sex...with women.
Congregation of Cardinals: Ahhh! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!
Gilgamek Cardinal: The Gilgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor sharp teeth. Do you really expect us to have sex with them?
Father Maxi: Right, maybe we should forget about the Gelgameks for right now.
Gilgamek Cardinal: Forget about the Gelgameks?!
Gilgamek Cardinals: Ahhh! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!
Congregation of Cardinals: Ahhh! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!
Gilgamek Cardinal: The Gilgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor sharp teeth. Do you really expect us to have sex with them?
Father Maxi: Right, maybe we should forget about the Gelgameks for right now.
Gilgamek Cardinal: Forget about the Gelgameks?!
Gilgamek Cardinals: Ahhh! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!
TV Show: South Park
Announcer: Coming this summer...it's the classic film that changed America...
[a trailer for the (real) re-release of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial starts playing]
Announcer: All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded. [as the US secret agents chase the kids] All the guns have been digitally changed to walkie-talkies.
Announcer: And the word "TERRORIST" has been changed to "HIPPIE."
Stan: [disappointed] Aw, dude, why would they do that?
Cartman: Yeah, a hippie and a terrorist is the same thing.
Kyle: No, dude, Spielberg changed terrorist to hippie to make ET more PC.
Stan: That's gay...
[a trailer for the (real) re-release of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial starts playing]
Announcer: All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded. [as the US secret agents chase the kids] All the guns have been digitally changed to walkie-talkies.
Announcer: And the word "TERRORIST" has been changed to "HIPPIE."
Stan: [disappointed] Aw, dude, why would they do that?
Cartman: Yeah, a hippie and a terrorist is the same thing.
Kyle: No, dude, Spielberg changed terrorist to hippie to make ET more PC.
Stan: That's gay...
TV Show: South Park
Announcer: Coming this summer...it's the motion picture that changed America...
[a trailer for the (fictional) "re-re-release" of Saving Private Ryan starts playing]
Announcer: The word "NAZI" has been changed to "PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES." And all the guns have been replaced by walkie-talkies.
[shots of soldiers getting killed or crippled by walkie talkies]
[a trailer for the (fictional) "re-re-release" of Saving Private Ryan starts playing]
Announcer: The word "NAZI" has been changed to "PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES." And all the guns have been replaced by walkie-talkies.
[shots of soldiers getting killed or crippled by walkie talkies]
TV Show: South Park
[a banner shows up (and read by an announcer) before the airing of the "re-re-re-release" of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]
Announcer: The word "WOOKIEE" has been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL" and the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks.
[the kids ditch the theater in anger and try to get their money back]
Announcer: The word "WOOKIEE" has been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL" and the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks.
[the kids ditch the theater in anger and try to get their money back]
TV Show: South Park
[On "EXCESS HOLLYWOOD"]
Host: Well, the print is finished and the day has come. Tonight Steven Spielberg and George Lucas will be at the premiere of the new Special Edition of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests and other rich people will be on hand to witness all the updated effects and modernized technology.
Host: Well, the print is finished and the day has come. Tonight Steven Spielberg and George Lucas will be at the premiere of the new Special Edition of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests and other rich people will be on hand to witness all the updated effects and modernized technology.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Hit it, Tweek! [Tweek turns on stereo that starts playing Carribbean music; Cartman start singing] In the tropical isle with the coconut tree, there's a lots of--
Stan: Wait wait wait wait wait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song.
Cartman: No, he has an icy heart.
Kyle: But you can't melt ice with a cool song, 'tardheart.
Stan: So we have to warm his icy heart with a hot island song.
Cartman: But it's a cool island song.
Kyle: Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.
Cartman: Oh, do we wanna do that?
George Lucas: ALL RIGHT, that does it!
Stan: Wait wait wait wait wait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song.
Cartman: No, he has an icy heart.
Kyle: But you can't melt ice with a cool song, 'tardheart.
Stan: So we have to warm his icy heart with a hot island song.
Cartman: But it's a cool island song.
Kyle: Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.
Cartman: Oh, do we wanna do that?
George Lucas: ALL RIGHT, that does it!
TV Show: South Park
Man 1: Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's icy heart with a cool island song!
Members: Yeah!
Tweek: No!
Skeeter: No?
Man 2: No! He's right. We have to freeze his hot heart with a cool island song.
Woman: Or is it freshen his hot temper with a cool island song?
Man 3: Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh island song.
Man 4: That's it!
Members: Yeah!
Tweek: No!
Skeeter: No?
Man 2: No! He's right. We have to freeze his hot heart with a cool island song.
Woman: Or is it freshen his hot temper with a cool island song?
Man 3: Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh island song.
Man 4: That's it!
TV Show: South Park
[Raiders of the Lost Ark's theme is played as Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola, and their entourage walk across a desert with the new print of Raiders of the Lost Ark inside an ark, and the kids as their prisoners]
Tweek: [from atop a cliff looking down upon the entourage in the canyon] Hello!
Spielberg: The kid? The Tweeked-eye kid?!
Tweek: [leveling a bazooka] I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg.
Spielberg: Your persistence surprises even me.
Coppola: Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere.
Tweek: That depends on how reasonable we're all going to be. All I want are my friends.
Cartman: Wow!
Tweek: Except for Cartman. You can keep him!
Cartman: Ey!
Tweek: [from atop a cliff looking down upon the entourage in the canyon] Hello!
Spielberg: The kid? The Tweeked-eye kid?!
Tweek: [leveling a bazooka] I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg.
Spielberg: Your persistence surprises even me.
Coppola: Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere.
Tweek: That depends on how reasonable we're all going to be. All I want are my friends.
Cartman: Wow!
Tweek: Except for Cartman. You can keep him!
Cartman: Ey!
TV Show: South Park
Bebe's Mother: Part of being a woman is having a friend one day and calling her a slut the next.
TV Show: South Park
Bebe: Mom, what's six times eight?
Bebe's Mother: Oh sweetie, those are two completely different numbers.
Bebe's Mother: Oh sweetie, those are two completely different numbers.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [the boys are discussing who to kick out of their group] So Kyle, I want to tell you it's been very fun and we're gonna miss you. [pulls out two containers] Here's a nice watch and some peanuts.
Kyle: Me?! But I've been here from the beginning.
Cartman: And it's sad to see you go. Maybe you can make friends with the kids down the road. Three cheers for Kyle! Hip hip...
Stan: [angrily] Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out.
Cartman: [whining] Pleeeeease?
Stan: No.
Cartman: All right, then I guess we have no choice-- [turns to Tweek] but to let you go, Tweek, I want to say you've been great filling in as a fourth friend and we're gonna miss you. [moves the watch and peanuts to Tweek's side] Here's a watch and some peanuts.
Kyle: No way, dude, Tweek's cool.
Stan: Yeah!
Cartman: Well, dumb-asses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe?
[The next day. Stan, Kyle, Bebe, and Tweek are all standing at the bus stop; Cartman is conspicuously absent.]
Bebe: Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus with you this morning.
[Cartman approaches the group.]
Cartman: [furiously] Oh, that's fine! That's fine! Fuck you, Kyle, and fuck you, Stan! [walks away, then comes back] Fuck you, Tweek! [walks away, then comes back again] Bebe, you're still cool. [walks off, seething]
Kyle: Me?! But I've been here from the beginning.
Cartman: And it's sad to see you go. Maybe you can make friends with the kids down the road. Three cheers for Kyle! Hip hip...
Stan: [angrily] Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out.
Cartman: [whining] Pleeeeease?
Stan: No.
Cartman: All right, then I guess we have no choice-- [turns to Tweek] but to let you go, Tweek, I want to say you've been great filling in as a fourth friend and we're gonna miss you. [moves the watch and peanuts to Tweek's side] Here's a watch and some peanuts.
Kyle: No way, dude, Tweek's cool.
Stan: Yeah!
Cartman: Well, dumb-asses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe?
[The next day. Stan, Kyle, Bebe, and Tweek are all standing at the bus stop; Cartman is conspicuously absent.]
Bebe: Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus with you this morning.
[Cartman approaches the group.]
Cartman: [furiously] Oh, that's fine! That's fine! Fuck you, Kyle, and fuck you, Stan! [walks away, then comes back] Fuck you, Tweek! [walks away, then comes back again] Bebe, you're still cool. [walks off, seething]
TV Show: South Park
[the boys are standing at the bus stop with their parents right behind them]
Stan: Dude. This is worse than ChildTracker.
Mr. Tweek: It's okay, boys, just act as if we weren't here.
Mrs. Marsh: Right, do what you would normally do.
Kyle: [awkwardly] You're such a fatass, Cartman.
Cartman: [just as awkwardly] At least I'm not a stupid Jew.
Sheila: What-what-WHAT?!
Stan: Dude. This is worse than ChildTracker.
Mr. Tweek: It's okay, boys, just act as if we weren't here.
Mrs. Marsh: Right, do what you would normally do.
Kyle: [awkwardly] You're such a fatass, Cartman.
Cartman: [just as awkwardly] At least I'm not a stupid Jew.
Sheila: What-what-WHAT?!
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Mackey: Now, who can tell me when the first moon landing took place? Uh, how about you, Clyde?
Clyde's Dad: Nineteen-sixty--
Mr. Mackey: No helping!
Clyde's Dad: Nineteen-sixty--
Mr. Mackey: No helping!
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Mackey: I'm not really sure having all the parents here is a good idea, m'kay?
Mr. Tweek: Well, maybe things would be better if we could trust people like the Stotches!
Chris Stotch: Us? Your family's always been the shifty-eyed ones!
Mr. Tweek: Oh yeah? [all the parents argue]
Mr. Tweek: Well, maybe things would be better if we could trust people like the Stotches!
Chris Stotch: Us? Your family's always been the shifty-eyed ones!
Mr. Tweek: Oh yeah? [all the parents argue]
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?
Cartman: I don't know! It's like my brain just keeps...jacking off.
Kyle: Maybe you've got brain cancer.
Cartman: You think?!
Stan: Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman! You're gonna fall off and break it.
Cartman: I don't know! It's like my brain just keeps...jacking off.
Kyle: Maybe you've got brain cancer.
Cartman: You think?!
Stan: Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman! You're gonna fall off and break it.
TV Show: South Park
Alan Jackson: Where were you when they built the ladder to heaven?
Did it make you feel like cryin'
Or did you think it was kinda gay?
Well I, for one, believe in the ladder to heaven
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah… 9/11
I said 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, Ni-hi, hi-hine…
…Eleven
Did it make you feel like cryin'
Or did you think it was kinda gay?
Well I, for one, believe in the ladder to heaven
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah… 9/11
I said 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, Ni-hi, hi-hine…
…Eleven
TV Show: South Park
Alan Jackson: [in voice more high-pitched than his singing voice] You little bastards ruined my latest song! [smashes guitar]
TV Show: South Park
[during flashback]
Cartman: [singing] In the ghetto, in the ghetto He's a boy wearing orange who's losing his pride 'Cause Kenny and his whole family reside In the ghetto, in the ghetto
Kenny: Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!
Cartman: What did you say?
Kenny: I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!
Cartman: What did you say?!
[after flashback]
Cartman: I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina! [comes to] Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina?
Cartman: [singing] In the ghetto, in the ghetto He's a boy wearing orange who's losing his pride 'Cause Kenny and his whole family reside In the ghetto, in the ghetto
Kenny: Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!
Cartman: What did you say?
Kenny: I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!
Cartman: What did you say?!
[after flashback]
Cartman: I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina! [comes to] Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina?
TV Show: South Park