South Park Quotes
Cartman: Maybe, we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?
Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I've never heard the words "only" and "candy" in the same sentence before.
TV Show: South Park
[the kids are role-playing "Lord of the Rings" as they walk down a street. They pass another group of kids]
Kid 1: I shall put a magic spell on you!
Kid 2: I blocked your spell, wizard.
Kyle: Hey, what are you guys doing?
Kid 1: We're playing Harry Potter.
[slight pause]
Cartman: Ha! Fags!
Kid 1: I shall put a magic spell on you!
Kid 2: I blocked your spell, wizard.
Kyle: Hey, what are you guys doing?
Kid 1: We're playing Harry Potter.
[slight pause]
Cartman: Ha! Fags!
TV Show: South Park
Gerald/Chris: Backdoor Sluts 9?!
Linda: What's that?
Chris: Honey, Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
Gerald: It is the single most disgusting, twisted piece of porn ever made.
Sheila: [lightly slapping Gerald] And how would you know?
Gerald: I...uh...read about it in People.
Linda: What's that?
Chris: Honey, Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
Gerald: It is the single most disgusting, twisted piece of porn ever made.
Sheila: [lightly slapping Gerald] And how would you know?
Gerald: I...uh...read about it in People.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Black: All right, Token, we know you must be very confused about what you saw.
Randy Marsh: Yes, uh, you see, Token, that was called a pornographic film. It shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse. Well, you, you see, when a man and a woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. It's called lovemaking and it's part of being in love.
Token: And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love, too? ...Five midgets, spanking a man covered in Thousand Island dressing...is that making love?
Mr. Black: Jesus, what kind of porno was that?
Randy Marsh: Yes, uh, you see, Token, that was called a pornographic film. It shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse. Well, you, you see, when a man and a woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. It's called lovemaking and it's part of being in love.
Token: And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love, too? ...Five midgets, spanking a man covered in Thousand Island dressing...is that making love?
Mr. Black: Jesus, what kind of porno was that?
TV Show: South Park
Jimmy: [to advancing 6th-graders] YOU SHALL NOT PAAAHHH... YOU SHALL NOT PPPPAA...YOU SHALL NOT P... [gets run over] ...p...p...pass.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: I was informed that fourth-graders are a little too old for Mr. Hat.
Kyle: TWO-year-olds are too old for Mr. Hat!
Mr. Garrison: But it's okay because I found a new teacher's assistant. Say hello to...Mr. Slave.
Mr. Slave: Hi kids. Hm.
Mr. Garrison: So that's Mr. Slave. The teacher's assistant. Or, as I like to write for short, the Teacher's Ass.
Cartman: [whispering to Craig] Yo, I think that Mr. Slave guy's a...Pakistani.
Kyle: TWO-year-olds are too old for Mr. Hat!
Mr. Garrison: But it's okay because I found a new teacher's assistant. Say hello to...Mr. Slave.
Mr. Slave: Hi kids. Hm.
Mr. Garrison: So that's Mr. Slave. The teacher's assistant. Or, as I like to write for short, the Teacher's Ass.
Cartman: [whispering to Craig] Yo, I think that Mr. Slave guy's a...Pakistani.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?
Cartman: No, it was Kenny!
Mr. Garrison: Very funny, Eric. Kenny's dead!
Cartman: No, it was Kenny!
Mr. Garrison: Very funny, Eric. Kenny's dead!
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Say, Mr Slave...
Mr. Slave: Yes, Mr Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: I had a dream last night that you were a real dick.
Mr. Slave: Really? Why would you dream that I was being an asshole?
Mr. Garrison: No, no. I was the asshole.
[school board start applauding, muttering how courageous he is, while the parents exchange shocked and horrified glances]
Mr Garrison: [slightly non-plussed] Uh, I'm very happy to receive this award, but you know what makes me even happier? Sucking balls.
[school board applaud again]
Mr Garrison: [whispering to Mr. Slave] It's not working. Sing your song, Mr. Slave.
Mr Slave: [singing] I've got a little-- [stops] ooh, ooh ow, Jesus Christ, what the hell's happening in there?
[in Mr. Slave's stomach]
Frog King: [to Lemmiwinks, who's on a gyroscope] Hang on, Lemmiwinks! You solved the Catata Fish's riddle, now your trials are nearly through!
[back up top]
Mr Slave: Aaah! I should never have shoved those poor animals up my ass! [school board applaud again]
School Board Member: Courageous.
Another School Board Member: So courageous.
Mr Garrison: [finally losing his temper] Goddammit, don't you people get it?! I'm trying to get fired here!
Mr. Slave: Yes, Mr Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: I had a dream last night that you were a real dick.
Mr. Slave: Really? Why would you dream that I was being an asshole?
Mr. Garrison: No, no. I was the asshole.
[school board start applauding, muttering how courageous he is, while the parents exchange shocked and horrified glances]
Mr Garrison: [slightly non-plussed] Uh, I'm very happy to receive this award, but you know what makes me even happier? Sucking balls.
[school board applaud again]
Mr Garrison: [whispering to Mr. Slave] It's not working. Sing your song, Mr. Slave.
Mr Slave: [singing] I've got a little-- [stops] ooh, ooh ow, Jesus Christ, what the hell's happening in there?
[in Mr. Slave's stomach]
Frog King: [to Lemmiwinks, who's on a gyroscope] Hang on, Lemmiwinks! You solved the Catata Fish's riddle, now your trials are nearly through!
[back up top]
Mr Slave: Aaah! I should never have shoved those poor animals up my ass! [school board applaud again]
School Board Member: Courageous.
Another School Board Member: So courageous.
Mr Garrison: [finally losing his temper] Goddammit, don't you people get it?! I'm trying to get fired here!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I'll take three lunches today, please.
Chef: You don't need three lunches, Eric! You're fat enough as it is!
Cartman: It is my life choice, Chef, and if you don't tolerate it I'll report you to the SEC.
Chef: You don't need three lunches, Eric! You're fat enough as it is!
Cartman: It is my life choice, Chef, and if you don't tolerate it I'll report you to the SEC.
TV Show: South Park
Tour Guide: Now, you boys have probably called this young man names like "tubby" or "lardbutt" or "fat tits"--
Kyle: Ooh, fat tits, that's a good one.
Stan: Yeah, we'll have to remember that.
Kyle: Ooh, fat tits, that's a good one.
Stan: Yeah, we'll have to remember that.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman's mom: Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong with him?
Doctor: I'm afraid he's… Running out of time.
Cartman's mom: Why, what's wrong with him?
Doctor: It's his time, it's running out.
Cartman's mom: Well, what does he need?
Doctor: He needs to have more time.
Cartman's mom: What can we do?
Doctor: Well, i suppose we could try a time transplant… I'll have to call in a specialist.
Doctor: I'm afraid he's… Running out of time.
Cartman's mom: Why, what's wrong with him?
Doctor: It's his time, it's running out.
Cartman's mom: Well, what does he need?
Doctor: He needs to have more time.
Cartman's mom: What can we do?
Doctor: Well, i suppose we could try a time transplant… I'll have to call in a specialist.
TV Show: South Park
TV Announcer: Rob Schneider derp de derp. Derp de derpity derpie derp. Until one day, a-derp a-derp a-derp a-derp. Derp de derp, de tittaly tum. From the creators of "DER" and "TUM TA TITTALY TUM TA TOO", Rob Schneider is: "DA DERP DEE DERP DA TEETLEY DERPEE DERPEE DUMB." Rated PG-13.
TV Show: South Park
John Edward: But, I'm a psychic.
Stan: No, dude. You're a douche.
John Edward: I'm not a douche. What if I really believed dead people talk to me?
Stan: Then you're a stupid douche.
John Edward: I think I've had enough of your bullying me. Get out of my house or I'll run upstairs, lock myself in my panic room and call the police.
Stan: I'm 9 years old.
John Edward: I'm not talking to your friend and I'm not a douche! [runs upstairs] You better get out of my house or I'm gonna call the police!
Stan: You are so a douche! I'm nominating you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche!
Stan: No, dude. You're a douche.
John Edward: I'm not a douche. What if I really believed dead people talk to me?
Stan: Then you're a stupid douche.
John Edward: I think I've had enough of your bullying me. Get out of my house or I'll run upstairs, lock myself in my panic room and call the police.
Stan: I'm 9 years old.
John Edward: I'm not talking to your friend and I'm not a douche! [runs upstairs] You better get out of my house or I'm gonna call the police!
Stan: You are so a douche! I'm nominating you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche!
TV Show: South Park
John Edward: You better not call me a liar, a fake, or a douche, or else I'll sue you for slander!
Stan: I am saying this to you, John Edward. You are a liar. You are a fake. And you are the biggest douche ever.
John Edward: Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche?
Stan: Because the big questions in life are tough! "Why are we here?" "Where are we from?" "Where are we going?" But as long as people believe in asshole douchey liars like you, we're never going to find the answers to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche!
Stan: I am saying this to you, John Edward. You are a liar. You are a fake. And you are the biggest douche ever.
John Edward: Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche?
Stan: Because the big questions in life are tough! "Why are we here?" "Where are we from?" "Where are we going?" But as long as people believe in asshole douchey liars like you, we're never going to find the answers to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche!
TV Show: South Park
TV Announcer: Rob Schneider was an animal. Then he was a woman. And now Rob Schneider is a stapler! And he's about to find out that being a stapler is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider is "The Stapler". Rated PG-13.
TV Show: South Park
John Edward: Now I'm hearing a P-word, maybe a Per.
Woman: My Harry died last year.
John Edward: Oh, it's coming from here, I'm getting all kinds of voices today, whoo! Now Harry, he's telling me, oh, well he's telling me you two used to do things... [woman nods] And that those things involved stuff?
Woman: They did involve stuff, yes!
Audience: Ah, yes!
Woman: My Harry died last year.
John Edward: Oh, it's coming from here, I'm getting all kinds of voices today, whoo! Now Harry, he's telling me, oh, well he's telling me you two used to do things... [woman nods] And that those things involved stuff?
Woman: They did involve stuff, yes!
Audience: Ah, yes!
TV Show: South Park
TV Announcer: Rob Schneider is a Wall Street executive who has everything going for him. Only problem is, he's about to become a carrot!
Rob Schneider: I'm a carrot!
TV Announcer: It's 24-"carrot" comedy! Rob Schneider is "A Carrot"! Rated PG-13.
Rob Schneider: I'm a carrot!
TV Announcer: It's 24-"carrot" comedy! Rob Schneider is "A Carrot"! Rated PG-13.
TV Show: South Park
TV Announcer: Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor, who seemed to have it all. Until one day, he came across a pot roast [record scratch] and his life changed forever. Now, he's sharing his body with an 8-year-old boy! And he's about to find out that being 8 ain't so great. Rob Schneider is "Kenny!" Rated PG-13.
TV Show: South Park
Chef's Dad: [in the middle of exorcising Kenny from Cartman] Goddammit! The spirit's out and it don't have nowhere to go!
Chef's Mom: Lord, Thomas! Don't let it get on the curtains!
Chef's Mom: Lord, Thomas! Don't let it get on the curtains!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Hey, guys! How's it goin'?
Chef: Cartman?
Stan: No, that's Kenny.
Cartman: What the hell are you assholes doing here?
Stan: That's Cartman.
Chef: Cartman?
Stan: No, that's Kenny.
Cartman: What the hell are you assholes doing here?
Stan: That's Cartman.
TV Show: South Park
[After watching a Rob Schneider trailer]
Stan and Kyle: Weak!
Cartman: [laughing] That was Kenny laughing, not me.
Stan and Kyle: Weak!
Cartman: [laughing] That was Kenny laughing, not me.
TV Show: South Park
[leaving a John Edward show]
Chef: Man, I can't believe I got fooled by that asshole!
Stan: He seemed a lot better on TV?
Chef: ...Yeah.
Chef: Man, I can't believe I got fooled by that asshole!
Stan: He seemed a lot better on TV?
Chef: ...Yeah.
TV Show: South Park
Butters: Wait right here, Stan, I warn you, you may not like what you see.
[Butters goes into the closet]
Stan: We have to teach our parents a lesson. Show them they can't play with our emotions like that.
[Butters comes out of the closet, dressed as Professor Chaos]
Butters: Hahahahahaa!! Now you know my terrible secret!
Stan: You're gay? It's fine if you're gay, Butters, I don't care.
Butters: Huh? No, I'm Professor Chaos!
[Butters goes into the closet]
Stan: We have to teach our parents a lesson. Show them they can't play with our emotions like that.
[Butters comes out of the closet, dressed as Professor Chaos]
Butters: Hahahahahaa!! Now you know my terrible secret!
Stan: You're gay? It's fine if you're gay, Butters, I don't care.
Butters: Huh? No, I'm Professor Chaos!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Oh, wow, really? That's so awesome. Now I'll really work to be successful!
Future Cartman: Right on!
Cartman: Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm gonna spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doing drugs when I want! Whatevah, I'll do what I want!
[The future Cartman turns into a fat mechanic]
Future Cartman: Goddammit!
Future Cartman: Right on!
Cartman: Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm gonna spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doing drugs when I want! Whatevah, I'll do what I want!
[The future Cartman turns into a fat mechanic]
Future Cartman: Goddammit!
TV Show: South Park