South Park Quotes
Stan: I've been told a lot of things about pot, but I've come to find out a lot of those things aren't true! So I don't know what to believe!
Randy: Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism, but...well, son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored and...it's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or...being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything!
Stan: I really, really wish you just would have told me that from the beginning!
Randy: Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism, but...well, son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored and...it's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or...being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything!
Stan: I really, really wish you just would have told me that from the beginning!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Isn't there anything I can do?!
Kyle's cousin: If you cured cancer and AIDS next week, you would still owe two presents.
Cartman: Jesus Christ!
Kyle's cousin: If you cured cancer and AIDS next week, you would still owe two presents.
Cartman: Jesus Christ!
TV Show: South Park
[Jesus hands up, is talking to two Iraqis]
Jesus: Yea, look upon me and know me. My children, you should know something. [a knife comes out of his sleeve] I'm packing!
[Jesus stabs one Iraqi with the knife with one hand and kills the other with a silenced handgun]
Jesus: Yea, look upon me and know me. My children, you should know something. [a knife comes out of his sleeve] I'm packing!
[Jesus stabs one Iraqi with the knife with one hand and kills the other with a silenced handgun]
TV Show: South Park
Santa: [to an Iraqi] I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Iraqi: You're not in the position to kill anyone. I just want you to tell me America's plan.
Santa: Then we're in for a long night, 'cause I don't know shit!
Iraqi: You're not in the position to kill anyone. I just want you to tell me America's plan.
Santa: Then we're in for a long night, 'cause I don't know shit!
TV Show: South Park
Santa: I just couldn't do it. [camera flashes onto dead Iraqi] I just couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls!
TV Show: South Park
Santa: Christmas is a very special time of year, but this year it almost didn't happen. There's a man named Jesus who gave his life to save me. And so I declare that every year on Christmas Day. We should remember Jesus for what he did, and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas will be a day for remembering a brave man named Jesus.
TV Show: South Park
[Kenny reappears after being dead for the whole sixth season]
Kenny: Hey, guys what's going on?
Stan: Oh, hey, Kenny.
Kyle: Hey, dude, where have you been?
Kenny: Over there. [points offscreen]
Kenny: Hey, guys what's going on?
Stan: Oh, hey, Kenny.
Kyle: Hey, dude, where have you been?
Kenny: Over there. [points offscreen]
TV Show: South Park
Sergeant Yates: Man must learn to think of these horrible outcomes before he acts selfishly or else--I fear--recording artists will be forever doomed to a life of only semi-luxury.
TV Show: South Park
[breaking the fourth wall during a performance of "I'm A Little Bit Country"]
Randy: Well, goodnight everybody. It sure has been great bringing you a hundred episodes.
Skeeter: We want to thank our guests, the pro-war people and the anti-war people.
Stan: What the hell are they doing now?
Kyle: [facepalm] Ah, I don't know.
Everybody: For the war, against, the war, who cares!? One hundred episodes! [Randy and Skeeter dance on stage as they finish the song]
Kyle: I hate this town. I really, really do.
Randy: Well, goodnight everybody. It sure has been great bringing you a hundred episodes.
Skeeter: We want to thank our guests, the pro-war people and the anti-war people.
Stan: What the hell are they doing now?
Kyle: [facepalm] Ah, I don't know.
Everybody: For the war, against, the war, who cares!? One hundred episodes! [Randy and Skeeter dance on stage as they finish the song]
Kyle: I hate this town. I really, really do.
TV Show: South Park
Jimmy: Look! My gang, which I can't talk about because it's super secret, is the most important thing to me now! And if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the nigga on your left.
TV Show: South Park
TV reporter: ...if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
TV Show: South Park
Grocery Clerk: You know, son, I remember you coming in last week and buying this much toilet paper.
Cartman: Oh yeah, that's right.
Grocery Clerk: Toilet paper, toilet paper...
Kyle: You TP'd a house last week, Cartman?
Cartman: No, last Thursday night was Fajitas night.
Kyle: Oh...ewww!
Cartman: Oh yeah, that's right.
Grocery Clerk: Toilet paper, toilet paper...
Kyle: You TP'd a house last week, Cartman?
Cartman: No, last Thursday night was Fajitas night.
Kyle: Oh...ewww!
TV Show: South Park
[after luring Kyle onto a boat with him and rowing them to the middle of a pond, Cartman sneaks up behind Kyle and hits him in the head with a wiffle bat. It bounces off his hat]
Kyle: Ow! What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
Cartman: I'm killing you. Unfortunately I could only afford a wiffle bat so this may take a while. [hits him again]
Kyle: Ow! What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
Cartman: I'm killing you. Unfortunately I could only afford a wiffle bat so this may take a while. [hits him again]
TV Show: South Park
Josh: Tell me something first. When you went to the academy you had something to prove--you wanted to protect and serve but mostly you just wanted to protect yourself. Who were you protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: Alright! Alright! My uncle Charles used to hit me with a belt!
Officer Barbrady: Alright! Alright! My uncle Charles used to hit me with a belt!
TV Show: South Park
Guard: Josh, were you doing the silly voice for the policeman again?
Josh: [in a normal, high-pitched voice] No sir.
Josh: [in a normal, high-pitched voice] No sir.
TV Show: South Park
Josh: Your uncle who hit you with a belt, was he a large man?
Officer Barbrady: I don't have time for this, kid.
Josh: Did he stink like beer when he came home from work, all tired from playin' down at the pool house?
Officer Barbrady: All right, all right! My dad dressed me up like a little girl on poker nights and made me sit on all my uncles' laps! [breaks down into sobs]
Josh: [in a normal voice] ...Whoa. Er...oh. Thank you.
Officer Barbrady: I don't have time for this, kid.
Josh: Did he stink like beer when he came home from work, all tired from playin' down at the pool house?
Officer Barbrady: All right, all right! My dad dressed me up like a little girl on poker nights and made me sit on all my uncles' laps! [breaks down into sobs]
Josh: [in a normal voice] ...Whoa. Er...oh. Thank you.
TV Show: South Park
Principal Victoria: Will you people stop barging into my office, please?
Josh: What's the matter Principal Victoria? Was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold cuts and stick umbrellas up your ass?
Josh: What's the matter Principal Victoria? Was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold cuts and stick umbrellas up your ass?
TV Show: South Park
Stan: You'd better go over our story again so we don't screw it up
Cartman: Okay, last night all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7: 30 at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy the goth chick from The Breakfast Club who was bowling in the lane next to us when we asked her for her autograph but she didn't have a pen so we followed her out to her car but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10: 45 at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Ranchas des Fritas Rojes South of Castle Rock and finally got a ride home from a man who was missing his left index finger named Gary Bushwell arriving home at 11: 46.
Kyle: I'm confused; did Ally Sheedy take the personality test?
Stan: Yes, dude!
Cartman: Okay, last night all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7: 30 at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy the goth chick from The Breakfast Club who was bowling in the lane next to us when we asked her for her autograph but she didn't have a pen so we followed her out to her car but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10: 45 at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Ranchas des Fritas Rojes South of Castle Rock and finally got a ride home from a man who was missing his left index finger named Gary Bushwell arriving home at 11: 46.
Kyle: I'm confused; did Ally Sheedy take the personality test?
Stan: Yes, dude!
TV Show: South Park
All: [singing] School Days, School Days, Teachers Golden Rule Da--
[Ike hops onscreen]
Kyle: Aw, damn it!
Stan: What?
Kyle: My god damn brother is trying to follow me to school again!
Ike: Suck my balls.
Kyle: No Ike, you can't come to school with me.
Cartman: Yeah, go home, you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!
Cartman: Alright, go home, you little semen-puking asshole dick head.
[Stan, Kenny and Cartman laugh. Kyle picks up Ike and hits Cartman]
Stan: Dude! Sweet!
Kyle: Yeah. Check it out! Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the god damn baby!
Kyle: Kick it! [kicks Ike]
[Ike hops onscreen]
Kyle: Aw, damn it!
Stan: What?
Kyle: My god damn brother is trying to follow me to school again!
Ike: Suck my balls.
Kyle: No Ike, you can't come to school with me.
Cartman: Yeah, go home, you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!
Cartman: Alright, go home, you little semen-puking asshole dick head.
[Stan, Kenny and Cartman laugh. Kyle picks up Ike and hits Cartman]
Stan: Dude! Sweet!
Kyle: Yeah. Check it out! Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the god damn baby!
Kyle: Kick it! [kicks Ike]
TV Show: South Park
Najix: Well, you don't think the whole universe works the way Earth does, do you? No! One species, one planet! There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on! We put them all together on Earth and the whole universe tunes in to watch the fun!
TV Show: South Park
Joozian 2: You've made it to a hundred episodes, you should be proud!
Joozian 1: Yeah, a show should never go past a hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plotlines and settings.
Joozian 1: Yeah, a show should never go past a hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plotlines and settings.
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong.
TV Show: South Park
Joozian 1: Oh man, I can't believe I sucked your jagon.
Joozian 2: Oh God, we did suck each others jagons!
Joozian 2: Oh God, we did suck each others jagons!
TV Show: South Park
Chef: He's a doctor who specializes in your asshole, children.
Stan: You mean, at one point in this guy's life, he decided he wanted to work up people's buttholes?
Chef: That's right!
Kyle: What a dick!
Stan: You mean, at one point in this guy's life, he decided he wanted to work up people's buttholes?
Chef: That's right!
Kyle: What a dick!
TV Show: South Park
Jennifer Lopez: How the fuck did I end up working at a La Taco?! I had six platinum records and starred in five Hollywood movies!
Mexican Guy: Yeah, me too.
Mexican Guy: Yeah, me too.
TV Show: South Park
Record Dude: She's from Mexico, just like you.
Jennifer Lopez: I ain't from no Mexico! I'm Puerto Rican!
Jennifer Lopez: I ain't from no Mexico! I'm Puerto Rican!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Repeat after me, Jennifer Lopez.
Ms. Lopez: Hennifer Lopez.
Cartman: No no, Jeh.
Ms. Lopez: Heh.
Ms. Lopez: Hennifer Lopez.
Cartman: No no, Jeh.
Ms. Lopez: Heh.
TV Show: South Park