South Park Quotes
Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): Ben! You bought me roses!
Ben Affleck: Jenny, oh Jenny, I just can't stop thinking about you.
Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): I can't stop thinking about you either Ben!
Ben Affleck: I've been meaning to write a song or a poem, but I have no talent.
Ben Affleck: Jenny, oh Jenny, I just can't stop thinking about you.
Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): I can't stop thinking about you either Ben!
Ben Affleck: I've been meaning to write a song or a poem, but I have no talent.
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Cartman, who in the world is Mitch Conner?
Cartman: Look, I don't care what you guys believe. But with all the crazy stuff that goes on in this town, isn't it possible, just possible, that something I don't understand happened here?
Kyle: All right, all right. I guess it's kind of possible--
Cartman: Ha ha ha! I got you, kind of! I got you, kind of!
Cartman: Look, I don't care what you guys believe. But with all the crazy stuff that goes on in this town, isn't it possible, just possible, that something I don't understand happened here?
Kyle: All right, all right. I guess it's kind of possible--
Cartman: Ha ha ha! I got you, kind of! I got you, kind of!
TV Show: South Park
[the boys unsuccessfully tried to bust men at a meth lab; the men kill themseves and a lot of damage has been done]
Lt. Dawson: One UPS vehicle valued at twenty-five thousand dollars, one civilian vehicle valued at sixteen thousand, the second floor of the post office and a coffee shop valued at sixteen thousand! The mayor's gonna have my ass!
Stan: Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided by the--
Dawson: You got careless! Now, I don't know how they do things down at that dog-and-pony show they call the fourth grade, but here, we have rules! Jesus, we don't have guys to question now, because you killed them all!
Kyle: We're sorry.
Dawson: One more slip-up like that and I'll have your badges! You hear me?! Now hit the showers!
Lt. Dawson: One UPS vehicle valued at twenty-five thousand dollars, one civilian vehicle valued at sixteen thousand, the second floor of the post office and a coffee shop valued at sixteen thousand! The mayor's gonna have my ass!
Stan: Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided by the--
Dawson: You got careless! Now, I don't know how they do things down at that dog-and-pony show they call the fourth grade, but here, we have rules! Jesus, we don't have guys to question now, because you killed them all!
Kyle: We're sorry.
Dawson: One more slip-up like that and I'll have your badges! You hear me?! Now hit the showers!
TV Show: South Park
[the boys are in the locker room, preparing to shower. Four guys, who appear to be cops themselves, are also changing their clothes]
Officer Murphy: Well, well, well, if it isn't the super cops.
[the officers begin to giggle]
Officer Jenkins: Hey, Murphy, think they'll let me borrow their G.I. Joes?
Officer Hopkins: Come on, you guys. Leave them alone.
Officer Murphy: Relax, Hopkins! [removes his briefs and drops them to the ground] All fun and games, right? [moves to the end of the lockers and hides behind it, only to peek out] So, tell us, rookies, you, uh, find yourself a little bonus in that house?
Cartman: Uh, bonus?
Murphy: Come on, we all skim a little off the top. Oh, or are you too good for that? [walks back to the other officers] So you think you're gonna waltz in here and clean up the system. Is that it?
Stan: [softly] We just wanna be junior detectives.
Murphy: Look, we all work hard! And we deserve more than the thirty-thousand a year we get paid! So what if we take in a little on the side?
Officer Jenkins: Yeah! Who the hell are you to say that?!
Officer Hopkins: I said, back off, Murphy!
Officer Murphy: Why don't you and your rookie friends make us?
Officer Jenkins: That's right. Come on, bring it!
Officer 3: Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring it!
Lt. Dawson: What the hell is the problem here?!
Officer Murphy: No problem, sir. No problem at all.
Dawson: Then hit the showers, all of ya!
Officer Murphy: Well, well, well, if it isn't the super cops.
[the officers begin to giggle]
Officer Jenkins: Hey, Murphy, think they'll let me borrow their G.I. Joes?
Officer Hopkins: Come on, you guys. Leave them alone.
Officer Murphy: Relax, Hopkins! [removes his briefs and drops them to the ground] All fun and games, right? [moves to the end of the lockers and hides behind it, only to peek out] So, tell us, rookies, you, uh, find yourself a little bonus in that house?
Cartman: Uh, bonus?
Murphy: Come on, we all skim a little off the top. Oh, or are you too good for that? [walks back to the other officers] So you think you're gonna waltz in here and clean up the system. Is that it?
Stan: [softly] We just wanna be junior detectives.
Murphy: Look, we all work hard! And we deserve more than the thirty-thousand a year we get paid! So what if we take in a little on the side?
Officer Jenkins: Yeah! Who the hell are you to say that?!
Officer Hopkins: I said, back off, Murphy!
Officer Murphy: Why don't you and your rookie friends make us?
Officer Jenkins: That's right. Come on, bring it!
Officer 3: Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring it!
Lt. Dawson: What the hell is the problem here?!
Officer Murphy: No problem, sir. No problem at all.
Dawson: Then hit the showers, all of ya!
TV Show: South Park
Randy: Stanley, listen to me . I have SARS. There's only a 98% percent chance that I will live.
Stan: No Dad, No!
Randy: Listen Stan! SARS is destroying our people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us. Soon there will be only 98% of us left.
Stan: No Dad, No!
Randy: Listen Stan! SARS is destroying our people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us. Soon there will be only 98% of us left.
TV Show: South Park
Randy: There's more to life than profits.
Indian Chief: Really, Like what?
Randy: You know, like Slurpees and stuff.
Indian Chief: Really, Like what?
Randy: You know, like Slurpees and stuff.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Man, Indians have it good, huh?
Randy: Now Eric, they're called Native Americans, remember? Show some respect.
Randy: Now Eric, they're called Native Americans, remember? Show some respect.
TV Show: South Park
Indian Chief: Sorry, there are no minors allowed on the casino floor.
Cartman: I'm not a miner, dumbass, do you see a shovel in my hand?
Cartman: I'm not a miner, dumbass, do you see a shovel in my hand?
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Look, guys. A lot of the kids in school are talking and they are spreading rumors that we're not metro-sexuals because we hang out with Kyle.
Stan: Well what can we do about it?
Cartman: We have no choice guys. We're just going to have to kill Kyle.
Stan: Well what can we do about it?
Cartman: We have no choice guys. We're just going to have to kill Kyle.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Eric, you're not half bi.
Cartman: I'm like a quarter bi. My grandpa was bi so that makes me a quarter bi.
Mr. Garrison: What?!
Cartman: I'm like a quarter bi. My grandpa was bi so that makes me a quarter bi.
Mr. Garrison: What?!
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Tweek, why don't we go back to my place.
Mr. Tweek: Why?
Mr. Garrison: Well, you know. I was just thinking we could put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass.
Mr. Slave: Oooh. Jesus Christ!
Mr. Tweek: Whoa! Goodness no. I'm straight.
Mr. Garrison: Straight? What the hell is going on here? Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?
Randy: Well, we don't 'pound butt', Mr. Garrison, we're straight.
Mr. Garrison: Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!
Jimbo: Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.
Mr. Garrison: No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!
Mr. Tweek: Why?
Mr. Garrison: Well, you know. I was just thinking we could put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass.
Mr. Slave: Oooh. Jesus Christ!
Mr. Tweek: Whoa! Goodness no. I'm straight.
Mr. Garrison: Straight? What the hell is going on here? Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?
Randy: Well, we don't 'pound butt', Mr. Garrison, we're straight.
Mr. Garrison: Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!
Jimbo: Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.
Mr. Garrison: No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture?
Chef: Oh, well, we black people just always tried to stay out in front of them.
Mr. Slave: How did you do that?
Chef: Well, like with our slang. Black people always used to say, "I'm in the house" instead of "I'm here." But then white people all started to say "in the house" so we switched it to "in the hizzouse." Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to hizzie, then "in the hizzle" which we had to change to "hizzle fo shizzle," and now, because white people say "hizzle fo shizzle," we have to say "flippity floppity floop."
Mr. Garrison: We don't have time for all that, Chef! Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people understood what they were doing. Wait. That's it! I know exactly what to do! Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop.
Chef: Oh no! Damn it! Don't call it that!
Chef: Oh, well, we black people just always tried to stay out in front of them.
Mr. Slave: How did you do that?
Chef: Well, like with our slang. Black people always used to say, "I'm in the house" instead of "I'm here." But then white people all started to say "in the house" so we switched it to "in the hizzouse." Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to hizzie, then "in the hizzle" which we had to change to "hizzle fo shizzle," and now, because white people say "hizzle fo shizzle," we have to say "flippity floppity floop."
Mr. Garrison: We don't have time for all that, Chef! Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people understood what they were doing. Wait. That's it! I know exactly what to do! Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop.
Chef: Oh no! Damn it! Don't call it that!
TV Show: South Park
All Crab People: Crab People! Crab People!
Crab Person: Taste like crab, talk like people.
All Crab People: Crab People! Crab People!
Crab Person: Taste like crab, talk like people.
All Crab People: Crab People! Crab People!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman, Stan, Kenny: We're here! We're not queer! But we're close! Get used to it!
TV Show: South Park
Randy: Stan, are you okay?
Stan: Yeah dad, we're just rehearsing our band.
Randy: Ohh. I thought a group of Vietnamese people were getting their intestines pulled out through their mouths. [closes door]
Stan: Yeah dad, we're just rehearsing our band.
Randy: Ohh. I thought a group of Vietnamese people were getting their intestines pulled out through their mouths. [closes door]
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black, you can play bass.
Token: I'm gettin' sick of your stereotypes.
Cartman: Be as sick as you want, just gimme a god damn bass line.
Token: [playing a bass melody] God damn it.
Token: I'm gettin' sick of your stereotypes.
Cartman: Be as sick as you want, just gimme a god damn bass line.
Token: [playing a bass melody] God damn it.
TV Show: South Park
Gerald: The answer is no, Kyle.
Kyle: Oh, come on, dad, stop being such a Jew!
Sheila: Kyle! Don't belittle your own people.
Kyle: Oh, come on, dad, stop being such a Jew!
Sheila: Kyle! Don't belittle your own people.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [singing]Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go
My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door
I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just shut off the lights
My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door
I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just shut off the lights
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [singing]I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus
I wanna feel his salvation all over my face
I wanna feel his salvation all over my face
TV Show: South Park
TV Reporter: When asked if MOOP's strike will stop them from illegaly downloading music, 1% said "yes". 2% said "no". And, 97% said "Who the hell is MOOP?" Back to you, Tom.
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: We don't want you back in our band Cartman! F*** off!
Cartman: I don't want to be in your crappy band!
Cartman: I don't want to be in your crappy band!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: You don't know anything about Christianity, Cartman!
Cartman: I know enough to exploit it.
Cartman: I know enough to exploit it.
TV Show: South Park
James Hetfield (of Metallica): We're going to protest until music dowloading stopsah.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Oh, fuck Jesus! [Faith + 1's fans gasp; a woman screams]
Butters: Eric, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the "F" word about Jesus.
Token: Yeah, you're gonna hurt the band.
Cartman: Who fucking cares, Token?! I can never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again: FUCK JESUS! [people start to scream and run away]
Man: My ears are bleeding!
Token: Good job, dick head, you've lost the entire audience!
Cartman: Oh, fuck you, Token, you black asshole!
[Token angrily beats up Cartman and walks away while Stan, Kyle, and Kenny see Cartman coughing in pain]
Stan: Hmm, guess he got what he deserved. [he, Kyle, & Kenny walk away]
Butters: [pauses for a moment, then farts in Cartman's face and gives him the finger] Fuck you, Eric! [walks away, leaving Cartman all alone]
Butters: Eric, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the "F" word about Jesus.
Token: Yeah, you're gonna hurt the band.
Cartman: Who fucking cares, Token?! I can never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again: FUCK JESUS! [people start to scream and run away]
Man: My ears are bleeding!
Token: Good job, dick head, you've lost the entire audience!
Cartman: Oh, fuck you, Token, you black asshole!
[Token angrily beats up Cartman and walks away while Stan, Kyle, and Kenny see Cartman coughing in pain]
Stan: Hmm, guess he got what he deserved. [he, Kyle, & Kenny walk away]
Butters: [pauses for a moment, then farts in Cartman's face and gives him the finger] Fuck you, Eric! [walks away, leaving Cartman all alone]
TV Show: South Park