South Park Quotes

Ayman al-Zawahri: Seriously, Family Guy isn't even that well written. The jokes are all interchangeable and usually irrelevant to the plot. When this episode airs - our retaliation will be MASSIVE!

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Oh my god, is that Tim McGraw?

TV Show: South Park
Bart Simpson: [after hitting Kyle over the head with a skateboard] Cowabunga, motherfucker.

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I did it! I...am...GOD!

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: What's the worst thing you've ever done?
Bart Simpson: I stole the head off a statue once.
Cartman: Wow, that's pretty hardcore. Geez. That's like this one time when I didn't like a kid, so I ground his parents up into chili and fed it to him.

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I'll use this situation to get Family Guy cancelled. I use fear to manipulate people to do my bidding.
Bart Simpson: Uh, isn't that like terrorism?
Cartman: Dude, it's not like terrorism! It is terrorism!

TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Cartman! You fucking fatass!
Cartman: How the hell did you get out?
Kyle: That kid and I had a long talk. I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!
Cartman: Oh goddamnit! You gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Well Kyle, I guess it was inevitable.
[Cartman and Kyle take their gloves off, stare at each other, and engage in a slap fight]
Cartman: Ow! Kyle stop it-no Kyle that's too hard!

TV Show: South Park
President Bush: Look, the fact of the matter is, the Family Guy writing staff is protected by something called the First Amendment.
Reporter 1: And what exactly is this First Amendment, Mr. President?
George W. Bush: ...you know. Right to free speech.
[Many of the reporters groan loudly and begin yelling]
Reporter 2: Mr. President, when your administration came up with this First Amendment, did it not foresee a problem like this might happen?
George W. Bush: Well, we didn't come up with the First Amendment. It was already in place.
Reporter 3: What do you intend to do about this First Amendment, Mr. President?
Reporter 4: Forgive me, Mr. President, but this First Amendment sounds like a lot of bureaucratic jibbery-jroo.

TV Show: South Park
[in a meeting with Terrance and Phillip]
Terrance: ALL RIGHT, JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!
Phillip: You censored out the image of Muhammad in our television special!
Network President: Ey! You guys know the rules! Nobody can show the image of Muhammad anymore. It's dangerous.
Terrance: But you ruined the whole show!
Network President: Look, I'm not gonna risk the lives of the people at this network. Let's just forget aboat it, okay guys? [farts and laughs. Terrance and Phillip look hard at him, their arms crossed] Aw, come on guys, give me a break.
Phillip: We demand you rerun Mystery at the Lazy "J" Ranch with Muhammad uncensored!
CBC President: Ey, I make the rules, not you guys! And if you ask me, your show has become so preachy and full of morals that you have forgotten how to be funny! No Muhammad!

TV Show: South Park
Terrence: Hello Muhammad, we've read all aboot you in the Qur'an.
Mohammed: I'm here to investigate a murder.

TV Show: South Park
Fox president: Take this noble child out to the family guy offices. If he can scare them like he has us, maybe we can pull the Muhammah episode after all.

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Good, Kyle! That's good anger you're showing there! That's emotional character development based on what's happening in the storyline! Not at all like Family Guy.

TV Show: South Park
SNN Anchor: Muslims continue to riot in the Middle East, demanding that Family Guy not air tonight's episode. And Muslim terrorists continue to make threats.
Al-Zawahri: "Family Guy" better not show Mohammed tonight. I'm serious. "Family Guy" isn't funny.
SNN Anchor: Osama bin Laden had this to say:
Osama Bin Laden: If you look closely at the writing in Family Guy, you will see that the jokes never derive from the plot, and I think that's totally gay.
SNN Anchor: Bin Laden went on to say that if Family Guy shows the image of Muhammad as planned, the terrorist retaliation will be immediate.

TV Show: South Park
Ayman Al-Zawahri: We warned you not to show Mohammed - but "Family Guy" did it anyways. So now, here is our retaliation on America!
[the terrorists show a cartoon after Family Guy aired the episode with Mohammed]
American Male 1: [walks in] Hello, I am American.
American Male 2: [walks in] I'm American too.
American Male 1: We like to crap on each other. [the men crap on each other]
President Bush: [walks in] Hello, I am the President Bush. I will crap on both of you. [craps on both of them]
American Male 2: Ugh! We love to crap!
American Female: [walks in] I'm American. I'm pregnant with a baby, but I'm not married.
American Male 3: [walks in] Let's crap. [all five of them begin crapping on each other and Jesus enters the picture]
Jesus: Look at me! I'm Jesus! Would you like me to crap on you, Mr. Bush? [craps on Bush. More Americans walk in and start crapping]
All: Mmm, yummy yummy crap. [more people crap, and an American flag appears under them, being crapped on]
Ayman Al-Zawahri: Ha, ha! Take that! We burned you! That was way funnier than "Family Guy".

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some idea balls to pull from a manatee tank.
Kyle: WHAT?!

TV Show: South Park
Towelie: How spicy would you like your Chang sauce?

TV Show: South Park
Towelie: Don't call me shoeless! YOU'RE shoeless!

TV Show: South Park
Book Publisher: Because they're people and you're a towel.
Towelie: You're a towel!
Book Publisher: No, I'm a big book publisher whos not the least bit interested in your stony memoirs, you're a towel.

TV Show: South Park
Gary: Are we in Paris, Mingey?

TV Show: South Park
Oprah Fan: Burn that which lies to Oprah!

TV Show: South Park
Mingey: [After a gun is fired] What the!? Ha ha! You missed me, you stupid buggers! You see that Gary? They can't even aim!
Gary: [weakly] Min-Mingey?
Mingey: Gary? What's wrong?
Gary: They got me, Mingey.
Mingey: [horrified] No! Oh no!
Gary: They got me bad. Oh, the blood...
Mingey: [crying] Try to hang on, Gary.
Gary: It... It's getting dark, Minge.
Mingey: Oh Gary, what have I got you into?
Gary: I'm seeing me life flash before me eyes. Mingey?
Mingey: I'm here, Gary.
Gary: Where - where are we, Mingey? Are we in Paris?
Mingey: Yeah. Yeah, we're in Paris, mate.
Gary: Is it as wonderful as I hoped?
Mingey: It - It's beautiful. We finally made it.
Gary: Tell me what you see, Mingey?
Mingey: Well, there's the... Eiffel Tower right in front of us. The Louvre right over there, behind you, and fresh baguettes all around.
Gary: Ah. I can smell them, Mingey. At least... I got to se Paris before I...
Mingey: Gary? Gary, say something! [Gary has died] YOU KILLED HIM YOU BASTARDS!! HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT ANY PART IN THIS! [To Oprah] THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU STUPID COW! YOU NEVER GAVE YOUR GARY THE TIME OF DAY, AND NOW HE'S GONE! LIFE AIN'T WORTH LIVIN' ANYMORE! WHAT'S THE USE!? I'M COMIN' TO SEE YOU GARY! [loads the gun] I'M COMIN' TO SEE YOU!
Oprah: No! Don't!
[Mingey shoots himself]

TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Did Cartman just crap treasure?
Cartman: It's mine! I got it out of the cave! It belongs to me!

TV Show: South Park
Mr. Mackey: Now today we have a special guest speaker, does anyone know who our last vice-president was?
[brief silence]
Kyle: Dick Cheney?
Mr. Mackey: No, no, the last one.
Butters: Bill Clinton?
Mr. Mackey: No, Clinton's Vice President.
[silence, no one knows who Al Gore is]

TV Show: South Park
Al Gore: I've killed ManBearPig!

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: If I miss dinner, I'm going to be so pissed off!

TV Show: South Park
Al Gore: Everyone is super stoked on me, even if they don't know it.

TV Show: South Park
Worker: What is that, a pigbearman?
Al Gore: No, stupid, it's ManBearPig.

TV Show: South Park
Al Gore: It's a half-man, half-bear, and half-pig.

TV Show: South Park
Al Gore: This looks like ManBearPig central!

TV Show: South Park