South Park Quotes
Cartman: If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, would you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but YOU would, right?
Clyde: I'm just going to stop playing.
Cartman: When Hitler rose to power, there were a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French. Are you French, Clyde?
Clyde: No.
Cartman: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde?
Clyde: Okay, all right, I'll do it!
Clyde: I'm just going to stop playing.
Cartman: When Hitler rose to power, there were a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French. Are you French, Clyde?
Clyde: No.
Cartman: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde?
Clyde: Okay, all right, I'll do it!
TV Show: South Park
Randy: Stan! Stan!
Stan: Dad, not now!
Randy: Stan, I've been sent here...to give you THIS. [holds up the Sword of 1000 Truths] This sword will completely drain his mana!
Stan: How did you get that?!
Randy: No time! Just take it! Here!
[long pause]
Randy: Um, how do you hand items from one player to another?
Stan: Bring up your Inventory screen, Ctrl-I!
Randy: Okay...
Cartman: Stan, what the hell are you doing?!
Stan: [receives sword] I got it!
[The Rogue kills Randy's character]
Stan: Dad!
Randy: (weakly) Staaaan...
Stan: [to The Rogue] You killed my father. [strikes him] YAHHH!
Cartman: His shield and armor spells are down! Attack!
[Kenny shoots Jenkins with an arrow; Kyle brings him down with a fireball; Cartman approaches)
Cartman: Looks like you're about to get pwned. RAAAHHH! [smashes The Rogue's head in with a giant hammer]
Stan: Dad, not now!
Randy: Stan, I've been sent here...to give you THIS. [holds up the Sword of 1000 Truths] This sword will completely drain his mana!
Stan: How did you get that?!
Randy: No time! Just take it! Here!
[long pause]
Randy: Um, how do you hand items from one player to another?
Stan: Bring up your Inventory screen, Ctrl-I!
Randy: Okay...
Cartman: Stan, what the hell are you doing?!
Stan: [receives sword] I got it!
[The Rogue kills Randy's character]
Stan: Dad!
Randy: (weakly) Staaaan...
Stan: [to The Rogue] You killed my father. [strikes him] YAHHH!
Cartman: His shield and armor spells are down! Attack!
[Kenny shoots Jenkins with an arrow; Kyle brings him down with a fireball; Cartman approaches)
Cartman: Looks like you're about to get pwned. RAAAHHH! [smashes The Rogue's head in with a giant hammer]
TV Show: South Park
Butters: I don't play World of Warcraft.
Cartman: Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time.
Butters: Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty: Island Adventure.
[long pause]
Cartman: [sighs] Butters, go buy World of Warcraft, install it on your computer and join the online sensation before we all murder you.
Butters: Oh...all right, then.
Cartman: Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time.
Butters: Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty: Island Adventure.
[long pause]
Cartman: [sighs] Butters, go buy World of Warcraft, install it on your computer and join the online sensation before we all murder you.
Butters: Oh...all right, then.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Prepare to charge! Scroll over him with your mouse cursors and...right click!
TV Show: South Park
Rob Pardo: Gentlemen, this could very well be the end of the world...of Warcraft.
Developer: No... NOOOOO!
Developer: No... NOOOOO!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [all have died after attempting to outnumber and overpower The Rogue Player, with only Cartman's character left alive] No! Leave me alone! I don't wanna have to start over at the graveyard! [is killed] GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: All right, major stone shield potions... should be... oh God, I'm gonna have diarrhea again. Aaaaagh... doo!
Stan: You can't go to the bathroom, you're stacking sunder armor!
Cartman: It's okay. [over intercom] Mom! Bathroom!
Liane: What hon?
Cartman: Bathroom! Bathroom!
[Liane comes down to the basement and holds a bedpan under her son's ass. Cartman takes down his pants and out comes a spattering stream of shit. Some of it ends up on the floor, some on Liane's blouse and trousers]
Liane: Ooh, that's a big boy, isn't he? [exits with the poop-filled bedpan]
Cartman: All right, Kenny, drink your elixir of the mongoose. I'm now going to use mocking blow...
Stan: You can't go to the bathroom, you're stacking sunder armor!
Cartman: It's okay. [over intercom] Mom! Bathroom!
Liane: What hon?
Cartman: Bathroom! Bathroom!
[Liane comes down to the basement and holds a bedpan under her son's ass. Cartman takes down his pants and out comes a spattering stream of shit. Some of it ends up on the floor, some on Liane's blouse and trousers]
Liane: Ooh, that's a big boy, isn't he? [exits with the poop-filled bedpan]
Cartman: All right, Kenny, drink your elixir of the mongoose. I'm now going to use mocking blow...
TV Show: South Park
[having saved the World of Warcraft by playing the game non-stop for several months]
Stan: I can't believe it's all over. What do we do now?
Cartman: What do you mean? Now we can finally play the game.
Kyle: Oh, yeah.
Cartman: Okay Kenny, route Eye of the Beast to your Hotbar.
Stan: I can't believe it's all over. What do we do now?
Cartman: What do you mean? Now we can finally play the game.
Kyle: Oh, yeah.
Cartman: Okay Kenny, route Eye of the Beast to your Hotbar.
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: [after the conspiracy is blown] So who caused 9/11?
Stan: What do you mean? A bunch of pissed off Muslims.
Hardly Boy: Yeah, what are you, retarded?
Stan: What do you mean? A bunch of pissed off Muslims.
Hardly Boy: Yeah, what are you, retarded?
TV Show: South Park
[Kyle, Stan, Cartman and Kenny are standing in the school hallway.]
Kyle: You know that 1/4 of Americans are retarded right?
Stan: Yeah, at least 1/4.
Kyle: Here, let's do a test. [to Cartman] There are four of us here, you're retarded, that's 1/4.
Kyle: You know that 1/4 of Americans are retarded right?
Stan: Yeah, at least 1/4.
Kyle: Here, let's do a test. [to Cartman] There are four of us here, you're retarded, that's 1/4.
TV Show: South Park
George W. Bush: Shut up! You think we don't know your name? We know everything. We control everything. We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret. But you just had to keep digging.
Kyle: Really?
Head of the conspiracy group: You won't get away with it! People know!
George W. Bush: People, you mean sheeple. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more leak to fix.
Head of the conspiracy group: Wait, what are you doing?
George W. Bush: You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.
Head of the conspiracy group: No! You can't do this! Please! I'll stop, I'll take down the website.
George W. Bush: Too late.
[head of the conspiracy group pleads for his life, then Bush shoots him in the head]
Stan: Jesus Christ!
Donald Rumsfeld: Ha ha ha, he died like a pig.
George W. Bush: Some pigs never learn.
Kyle: No way.
Stan: He was right, you did cause 9/11!
George W. Bush: Yes, quite simple to pull off really, all I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers, then on 9/11 we pretended like 4 planes were being hijacked when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania then flew 2 military jets into the World Trade Centers filled with more explosives then shot all the witnesses of flight 93 with an F15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly executed plan, ever, ever.
Kyle: Really?!
Kyle: Really?
Head of the conspiracy group: You won't get away with it! People know!
George W. Bush: People, you mean sheeple. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more leak to fix.
Head of the conspiracy group: Wait, what are you doing?
George W. Bush: You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.
Head of the conspiracy group: No! You can't do this! Please! I'll stop, I'll take down the website.
George W. Bush: Too late.
[head of the conspiracy group pleads for his life, then Bush shoots him in the head]
Stan: Jesus Christ!
Donald Rumsfeld: Ha ha ha, he died like a pig.
George W. Bush: Some pigs never learn.
Kyle: No way.
Stan: He was right, you did cause 9/11!
George W. Bush: Yes, quite simple to pull off really, all I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers, then on 9/11 we pretended like 4 planes were being hijacked when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania then flew 2 military jets into the World Trade Centers filled with more explosives then shot all the witnesses of flight 93 with an F15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly executed plan, ever, ever.
Kyle: Really?!
TV Show: South Park
Mr.Mackey: Now you might all think I've given up finding who crapped in the urinal, m'kay. And maybe, maybe you think it's a victimless crime. This is Mister Venezuela, the school janitor, m'kay. He's the person who has to clean up when some trickster drops a dookie in the wrong toilet. Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best! M'kay? He's got three kids at home, he's got a car that barely works he's gotta clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay. And then he walks into the boy's room and sees a big meaty chud staring him in the face. So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay, you might as well just dropped your pants and laid a turd right on Mr. Venezuela's head.
[the kids laugh]
Mr. Mackey: Oh, you think that's funny, huh? Yeah, that's real funny!
[the kids laugh]
Mr. Mackey: Oh, you think that's funny, huh? Yeah, that's real funny!
TV Show: South Park
Head of the conspiracy group: You don't understand! The government controls everything! The media, the corporations, they have the power to do anything they want. Here look, read the labels. Go on, read them.
Kyle: "Code 234."
Head of the conspiracy group: We think they came from a government office.
Kyle: What is it?
Head of the conspiracy group: It's anthrax.
Kyle: "Code 234."
Head of the conspiracy group: We think they came from a government office.
Kyle: What is it?
Head of the conspiracy group: It's anthrax.
TV Show: South Park
Police Chief: This is too big a mystery for me, I think we better call in the Hardly Boys!
Mr. Mackey: Oh no, not the god damn--
[Hardly Boys Music hits and cut to the Hardly Boys intro video]
Announcer: The Hardly Boys: two young whippersnappers with a taste for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: The Case of the World Trade Center Conspiracy.
Mr. Mackey: Oh no, not the god damn--
[Hardly Boys Music hits and cut to the Hardly Boys intro video]
Announcer: The Hardly Boys: two young whippersnappers with a taste for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: The Case of the World Trade Center Conspiracy.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Mackey: [to Stan] When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay. How would YOU feel, if someone came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face!
[Stan laughs]
Mr. Mackey: Oh, you think that's funny, huh?! Yeah, that's REAL funny!
[Stan laughs]
Mr. Mackey: Oh, you think that's funny, huh?! Yeah, that's REAL funny!
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Mackey: Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?
Clyde: I dunno.
Mr. Mackey: You got a whole school here, Clyde! M'kay? You got over 300 people that need to use the boys room, and you decide your gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal and leave it laying there for everyone to look at?!
[Clyde begins to chuckle.]
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, m'kay, you think it's funny but nobody else does; they're gonna walk in that bathroom and see your rancid duke prob up against to back of the wall like a brown rag doll!
[Clyde starts laughing.]
Principal Victoria: Mr Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, that's good! Let's see what your mom and dad has to say about your little poop-scpade!
Clyde: I dunno.
Mr. Mackey: You got a whole school here, Clyde! M'kay? You got over 300 people that need to use the boys room, and you decide your gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal and leave it laying there for everyone to look at?!
[Clyde begins to chuckle.]
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, m'kay, you think it's funny but nobody else does; they're gonna walk in that bathroom and see your rancid duke prob up against to back of the wall like a brown rag doll!
[Clyde starts laughing.]
Principal Victoria: Mr Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, that's good! Let's see what your mom and dad has to say about your little poop-scpade!
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Mackey: Attention students. Apparently Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal, because Clyde had a colostomy at age five. M'kay. Now whoever did this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys bathroom is closed until further notice, because one of you thought it would be a good idea to pull down your pants, m'kay, hover your butt cheeks over the urinal, and squeeze out a chocolate hotdog, m'kay.
[students laugh]
Mr. Mackey: Oh, ya think that's funny, huh? Let me assure you, there is nothing funny about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspecting urinal, m'kay, dropping your pants, then turning around, squatting over that urinal, m'kay, maybe, maybe, pulling your butt cheeks apart with your hands, m'kay, and then laying out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see.
[students laugh]
Mr. Mackey: Oh, ya think that's funny, huh? Let me assure you, there is nothing funny about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspecting urinal, m'kay, dropping your pants, then turning around, squatting over that urinal, m'kay, maybe, maybe, pulling your butt cheeks apart with your hands, m'kay, and then laying out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see.
TV Show: South Park
Reporter: Tom, an elementary school teacher is under arrest for allegedly having an affair - with one of her young students. The case is shocking, due mostly to the fact that the teacher is pretty hot, Tom. If the accusations are true, then, damn!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman As The Dawg: Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!
Kid: What?
[Cartman slams kid up against the lockers pining him in the process]
Cartman As The Dawg: You know what this is?! [holds up bear mace for the kid to see] This is the mace they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your hall pass!
Kid: [holds up hall pass] It's right here.
Cartman As The Dawg: Alright, cool, bro'. Go with Christ. [starts to walk away]
Kid: What, you can't just push me up against the--?
[Cartman kicks the kid, sending him flying off screen]
Kid: What?
[Cartman slams kid up against the lockers pining him in the process]
Cartman As The Dawg: You know what this is?! [holds up bear mace for the kid to see] This is the mace they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your hall pass!
Kid: [holds up hall pass] It's right here.
Cartman As The Dawg: Alright, cool, bro'. Go with Christ. [starts to walk away]
Kid: What, you can't just push me up against the--?
[Cartman kicks the kid, sending him flying off screen]
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: [to Stan and Kenny] Guys, can I talk to you?
Stan: Sure, dude.
Kyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, all right?
[Cartman walks up]
Kyle: My little brother and his teach—-
Cartman As The Dawg: Bros, it's almost class time. Need ya start clearing the hallways, alright?
Kyle: Not now, Cartman, I have really serious problems!
Stan: Dude, what's the matter?
Kyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
[long silence]
Stan: Wow.
Kenny: Really?!
Cartman As The Dawg: Damn, bro, your lil' brother is pretty cool.
Kyle: It's not cool, Ike isn't old enough to understand.
Cartman As The Dawg: What's there to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around a bit, then stick it inside her and pee.
[long pause]
Kyle: [sarcastically] Stick it inside her and pee?
Cartman As The Dawg: Well, okay, fine, unless you don't want her to get pregnant. Then you pull it out and pee on her leg.
Stan: Dude, I really don't see a problem.
Cartman As The Dawg: Yeah, I got bigger things to deal with.
Kyle: You guys don't understand. His wacko teacher's like a schoolgirl! They pass notes in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break.
[Cartman starts to walk off]
Kyle: And during class they sneak out and kiss in the hallways.
[Cartman pauses]
Cartman As The Dawg: They what?
Kyle: They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways.
Cartman As The Dawg: [turns around] Hang on a second, Making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy.
Kyle: Well, they're doing it.
Cartman As The Dawg: Yeah, well
Stan: Sure, dude.
Kyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, all right?
[Cartman walks up]
Kyle: My little brother and his teach—-
Cartman As The Dawg: Bros, it's almost class time. Need ya start clearing the hallways, alright?
Kyle: Not now, Cartman, I have really serious problems!
Stan: Dude, what's the matter?
Kyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
[long silence]
Stan: Wow.
Kenny: Really?!
Cartman As The Dawg: Damn, bro, your lil' brother is pretty cool.
Kyle: It's not cool, Ike isn't old enough to understand.
Cartman As The Dawg: What's there to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around a bit, then stick it inside her and pee.
[long pause]
Kyle: [sarcastically] Stick it inside her and pee?
Cartman As The Dawg: Well, okay, fine, unless you don't want her to get pregnant. Then you pull it out and pee on her leg.
Stan: Dude, I really don't see a problem.
Cartman As The Dawg: Yeah, I got bigger things to deal with.
Kyle: You guys don't understand. His wacko teacher's like a schoolgirl! They pass notes in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break.
[Cartman starts to walk off]
Kyle: And during class they sneak out and kiss in the hallways.
[Cartman pauses]
Cartman As The Dawg: They what?
Kyle: They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways.
Cartman As The Dawg: [turns around] Hang on a second, Making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy.
Kyle: Well, they're doing it.
Cartman As The Dawg: Yeah, well
TV Show: South Park
Cartman As The Dawg: [sings]The fear of darkness is all around you
The criminal are on the run
Now you better bring your hall pass
I'll take you to the principal office cause I'm the Dawg
I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
The hallway monitor
The criminal are on the run
Now you better bring your hall pass
I'll take you to the principal office cause I'm the Dawg
I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
The hallway monitor
TV Show: South Park
Cartman As The Dawg: [sings]I got some bad-ass guys to help me
I only have to pay them fifteen bucks
If you think you can get away without having a hall pass
You won't get away from me, 'cause I'm the Dawg
I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
Think you can get away without having a hall pass, think again
I only have to pay them fifteen bucks
If you think you can get away without having a hall pass
You won't get away from me, 'cause I'm the Dawg
I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
Think you can get away without having a hall pass, think again
TV Show: South Park
[after Miss Stevenson has killed herself]
Cartman As The Dawg: Well, once again, The Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that splattered bitch down on the pavement.
Cartman As The Dawg: Well, once again, The Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that splattered bitch down on the pavement.
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Hello, my name is Brad. I need to report a crime-anonymously.
Sgt Yates: Okay, Brad, what's the crime?
Kyle: I attend South Park Elementary, and one of the teachers is having sex with a student.
All Policemen: [pause for a moment, then a dramatic uproar] Oh my God! [Sgt Yates and Murphy stand near Kyle, Murphy is holding a notebook]
Sgt Yates: You did the right thing telling the police, Brad. So who is this teacher--what is his name?
Kyle: Well, it isn't a guy teacher, it's a woman.
Sgt Yates: [sounding surprised] A woman? But she's ugly, right?
Kyle: No, not really. It's the kindergarten teacher, Miss Stephenson.
Sgt Yates: [even more surprised] The blonde?
Kyle: Yeah.
Another policeman: Miss Stephenson is having sex with a student?
Kyle: Yeah.
Sgt Yates: Nice. You're sure they've had sex?
Kyle: Yes.
Sgt Yates: Has she performed oral sex on him?
Kyle: I think so.
Officers: Nice.
Sgt Yates: Wait, what's the crime?
Policeman: The crime is she's not doing it with me! [policemen laugh]
Kyle: What? He's totally underage! She's taking advantage of him!
Sgt Yates: You're right. This is serious. We must find this kid and give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal right away! [policemen laugh again. Kyle howls in frustration and runs off]
Sgt Yates: Okay, Brad, what's the crime?
Kyle: I attend South Park Elementary, and one of the teachers is having sex with a student.
All Policemen: [pause for a moment, then a dramatic uproar] Oh my God! [Sgt Yates and Murphy stand near Kyle, Murphy is holding a notebook]
Sgt Yates: You did the right thing telling the police, Brad. So who is this teacher--what is his name?
Kyle: Well, it isn't a guy teacher, it's a woman.
Sgt Yates: [sounding surprised] A woman? But she's ugly, right?
Kyle: No, not really. It's the kindergarten teacher, Miss Stephenson.
Sgt Yates: [even more surprised] The blonde?
Kyle: Yeah.
Another policeman: Miss Stephenson is having sex with a student?
Kyle: Yeah.
Sgt Yates: Nice. You're sure they've had sex?
Kyle: Yes.
Sgt Yates: Has she performed oral sex on him?
Kyle: I think so.
Officers: Nice.
Sgt Yates: Wait, what's the crime?
Policeman: The crime is she's not doing it with me! [policemen laugh]
Kyle: What? He's totally underage! She's taking advantage of him!
Sgt Yates: You're right. This is serious. We must find this kid and give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal right away! [policemen laugh again. Kyle howls in frustration and runs off]
TV Show: South Park
Butters[singing to himself at the urinal]: Hey there Mr. Wiener, what do you know. Do you have to tinkle, tinkle? Yes, I do think so.
TV Show: South Park