South Park Quotes
Number 8: Coach, I have to go potty!
Stan: All right, fine, go ahead.
Number 8: By myself?
Stan: Just, hold it a while, okay?
Number 7: What does "passing" mean?
Stan: When you shoot the puck to another player!
Number 15: My mommy says I'm as big as the sky!
Number 3: Coach, Morgan spit on my foot!
Number 6 (Morgan): I did not!
Stan: All right, fine, go ahead.
Number 8: By myself?
Stan: Just, hold it a while, okay?
Number 7: What does "passing" mean?
Stan: When you shoot the puck to another player!
Number 15: My mommy says I'm as big as the sky!
Number 3: Coach, Morgan spit on my foot!
Number 6 (Morgan): I did not!
TV Show: South Park
Number 6: Coach, please don't let us lose to Adams County. My daddy will beat me again.
TV Show: South Park
Randy Marsh: Have you forgotten what happened all those years ago? Or are you just trying to make up for it?
Stan: [frustrated] What are you talking about?
Randy Marsh: Your pee-wee hockey game! At the Pepsi Center? In-between periods of the Colorado Avalanche?
Stan: I remember going to Shakey's afterwards...
Stan: [frustrated] What are you talking about?
Randy Marsh: Your pee-wee hockey game! At the Pepsi Center? In-between periods of the Colorado Avalanche?
Stan: I remember going to Shakey's afterwards...
TV Show: South Park
Dr. Doctor: That kid's got as much hope as Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays.
TV Show: South Park
Parent: Noo, i'm just his father. But you are his coach. You're like a father to him.
TV Show: South Park
Stan's father: And Stan.. Don't forget.. Win or lose... That's the only choices you have. Win, or lose..
TV Show: South Park
Principal Victoria: Stacy, go ahead and send in Eric Cartman.
[Cartman enters the room and starts laughing at Dr. Nelson]
Principal Victoria: Eric, Mr. Nelson is concerned about how you react to little people.
Cartman: Oh. Did I hurt its little feelings? Ha ha ha!
Dr. Nelson: You know, you think you have the power to make me insecure, but your words are actually completely powerless.
Cartman: Oh-oh-oh-oh! If we could get, like, 8 of these, we can dress them all up like little beavers, right? And then put them in a pond, and see if they'll build a dam!
Dr. Nelson: You see? No matter what you say, I'm still standing!
Cartman: Barely!
Dr. Nelson: No matter how you act, I can rise above it!
Cartman: Rise above it! Get it? Like he can rise above anything!
Dr. Nelson: Shut your fucking mouth!
Principal Victoria: Mr. Nelson!
Dr. Nelson: He didn't get to me. I was just joking.
Cartman: Look, look how its face gets all red. It's like a little strawberry.
Dr. Nelson: Arrh!
[Cartman enters the room and starts laughing at Dr. Nelson]
Principal Victoria: Eric, Mr. Nelson is concerned about how you react to little people.
Cartman: Oh. Did I hurt its little feelings? Ha ha ha!
Dr. Nelson: You know, you think you have the power to make me insecure, but your words are actually completely powerless.
Cartman: Oh-oh-oh-oh! If we could get, like, 8 of these, we can dress them all up like little beavers, right? And then put them in a pond, and see if they'll build a dam!
Dr. Nelson: You see? No matter what you say, I'm still standing!
Cartman: Barely!
Dr. Nelson: No matter how you act, I can rise above it!
Cartman: Rise above it! Get it? Like he can rise above anything!
Dr. Nelson: Shut your fucking mouth!
Principal Victoria: Mr. Nelson!
Dr. Nelson: He didn't get to me. I was just joking.
Cartman: Look, look how its face gets all red. It's like a little strawberry.
Dr. Nelson: Arrh!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: I get it now. After that little person talked the other day, I understand how you feel about somebody saying the N-word.
Token: So black people are midgets?
Stan: Goddammit!
Token: So black people are midgets?
Stan: Goddammit!
TV Show: South Park
Token: Jesse Jackson is not the emperor of black people!
[Token walks away; long pause]
Stan: He told my dad he was.
[Token walks away; long pause]
Stan: He told my dad he was.
TV Show: South Park
Kids: [after Cartman enters the gym] Hello, fatso.
Cartman: Ey! What the hell is that? You think that's fucking funny?! Kyle, did you put everyone up to this? I bet you did! What the hell is going on?
Dr. Nelson: Now you know how it feels.
[Cartman starts laughing again]
Dr. Nelson: You better shut up or I'm gonna kick your ass!
Cartman: All right, all right, who is the fricking genius who dressed it up in little suspenders? Clyde, was that you?
Cartman: Ey! What the hell is that? You think that's fucking funny?! Kyle, did you put everyone up to this? I bet you did! What the hell is going on?
Dr. Nelson: Now you know how it feels.
[Cartman starts laughing again]
Dr. Nelson: You better shut up or I'm gonna kick your ass!
Cartman: All right, all right, who is the fricking genius who dressed it up in little suspenders? Clyde, was that you?
TV Show: South Park
Randy: Words with venom, words that bind, words used like weapons to cloud my mind./I'm a person, I'm a man./But no matter how hard I try. People just say "Hey, there goes that Nigger Guy."/Everywhere I go, it's always the same. I can't get away from that terrible name: /"Hey Nigger guy, nigger guy, nigger guy." Stop!/Now go, call me nigger guy, fill me with your hate/Try to bring me down, oh up you're too late!/Someone beat you to it. But my dream will not die. To be thought of as more than just "Nigger Guy." [pause] Respect.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: You guys! I got it! Seriously! It's the greatest picture ever! Oh my God!
Stan: Whatcha do to Butters this time?
Cartman: It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! [cracks up]
Stan: Dude!
Cartman: I know, I know. Check it out. Look. [the other three crowd in and look at the picture] I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Ha ha. Oh man, I got him good!
Stan: Dude, how is putting Butters' wiener in his mouth getting him?
Cartman: Because that makes Butters gay now!
Kyle: No, dude, that makes you gay!
Cartman: Uh, what?
Kyle: You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!
Cartman: [looks more closely at the picture] Nuh-uh.
Kyle: Yeah-huh!
Cartman: Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?
Kenny: Haha, that makes you very fucking gay.
Cartman: But I'm not--I'm not gay, you guys!
Stan: You are now.
Cartman: No--no, it was a stupid mistake!
Kyle: Doesn't matter. You're gay now.
Cartman: No, it was just for a second! [puts the picture away] What-what can I do? How-how can I reverse this?
Stan: You can't!
Kyle: No--no wait. I-I know how you can reverse it, Cartman.
Cartman: How?
Kyle: The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.
Cartman: [in low voice] Really?
Kyle: Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity.
[long silence]
Cartman: Shit, I gotta find Butters! [runs off]
Kyle: Idiot.
Stan: Whatcha do to Butters this time?
Cartman: It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! [cracks up]
Stan: Dude!
Cartman: I know, I know. Check it out. Look. [the other three crowd in and look at the picture] I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Ha ha. Oh man, I got him good!
Stan: Dude, how is putting Butters' wiener in his mouth getting him?
Cartman: Because that makes Butters gay now!
Kyle: No, dude, that makes you gay!
Cartman: Uh, what?
Kyle: You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!
Cartman: [looks more closely at the picture] Nuh-uh.
Kyle: Yeah-huh!
Cartman: Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?
Kenny: Haha, that makes you very fucking gay.
Cartman: But I'm not--I'm not gay, you guys!
Stan: You are now.
Cartman: No--no, it was a stupid mistake!
Kyle: Doesn't matter. You're gay now.
Cartman: No, it was just for a second! [puts the picture away] What-what can I do? How-how can I reverse this?
Stan: You can't!
Kyle: No--no wait. I-I know how you can reverse it, Cartman.
Cartman: How?
Kyle: The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.
Cartman: [in low voice] Really?
Kyle: Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity.
[long silence]
Cartman: Shit, I gotta find Butters! [runs off]
Kyle: Idiot.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Do you know what this is? This is apple juice! It gives me super-bad farts!
TV Show: South Park
Randy: Waghh! I don't have any more change! [makes his way through the crowd of bums] Nooo! I don't have any change! I don't have any chaaange! [disappears under the sea of homeless people]
TV Show: South Park
Chris Swollenballs: In the meantime, South Park citizens are being advised to stay indoors and protect their change.
Bum 9: [appears behind him in the newsroom] Spare some change?
Chris: What the...? You can't be in here.
Bum 9: Ya got any change, sir?
Chris: No I don't have any change. How did he get in here?
Bum 10: Chaaaaange?
Chris: No, please. I don't have any change. Honest, I don't. I don't have any--[PLEASE STAND BY screen pops up, station goes off the air]
Bum 9: [appears behind him in the newsroom] Spare some change?
Chris: What the...? You can't be in here.
Bum 9: Ya got any change, sir?
Chris: No I don't have any change. How did he get in here?
Bum 10: Chaaaaange?
Chris: No, please. I don't have any change. Honest, I don't. I don't have any--[PLEASE STAND BY screen pops up, station goes off the air]
TV Show: South Park
[Butters is playing with his toys]
Butters: [singing] Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, loo loo loo, you've got some too. Loo loo loo...
[Cartman enters the room]
Cartman: Butters.
Butters: Whoa, hey, Eric.
Cartman: Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you.
Butters: A surprise? What is it?
Cartman: It's so fuckin' awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever!
Butters: Oh, boy!
Cartman: You ready?
Butters: Y-yeah!
Cartman: Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and--and get on your knees!
[Butters closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and gets on his knees]
Butters: Oh, okay!
[Cartman grabs a bandanna from his back pocket and makes a blindfold from it, then puts it on Butters]
Cartman: Hang on a second here. [makes sure the blindfold is on snugly]
Butters: How come, uh, I can't see?
Cartman: 'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? [rushes off to get the toy box]
Butters: Oh, uh, ho, yeah.
Cartman: [under his breath] All right, that's good. [undoes his pants] Okay, open your mouth, Butters. [lowers them] That's good, just like that.
Butters: [warily] Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? You're not gonna, eh, stick something yucky in my mouth, are ya?
Cartman: I swear on my mother's life, Butters, I am not going to stick anything yucky in your mouth. [lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut]
Butters: Okay!
Cartman: All right, you ready? [grabs Butters' head and draws it closer to his penis] All right just--okay, open, uh, okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go.
[the door ope
Butters: [singing] Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, loo loo loo, you've got some too. Loo loo loo...
[Cartman enters the room]
Cartman: Butters.
Butters: Whoa, hey, Eric.
Cartman: Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you.
Butters: A surprise? What is it?
Cartman: It's so fuckin' awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever!
Butters: Oh, boy!
Cartman: You ready?
Butters: Y-yeah!
Cartman: Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and--and get on your knees!
[Butters closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and gets on his knees]
Butters: Oh, okay!
[Cartman grabs a bandanna from his back pocket and makes a blindfold from it, then puts it on Butters]
Cartman: Hang on a second here. [makes sure the blindfold is on snugly]
Butters: How come, uh, I can't see?
Cartman: 'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? [rushes off to get the toy box]
Butters: Oh, uh, ho, yeah.
Cartman: [under his breath] All right, that's good. [undoes his pants] Okay, open your mouth, Butters. [lowers them] That's good, just like that.
Butters: [warily] Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? You're not gonna, eh, stick something yucky in my mouth, are ya?
Cartman: I swear on my mother's life, Butters, I am not going to stick anything yucky in your mouth. [lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut]
Butters: Okay!
Cartman: All right, you ready? [grabs Butters' head and draws it closer to his penis] All right just--okay, open, uh, okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go.
[the door ope
TV Show: South Park
[Cartman is trying to retrieve the picture of Butters' penis in Cartman's mouth, but it's nowhere to be found. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are playing basketball at the community park]
Stan: Aw, man, I've got H.O.R.S. now. [steps aside as Kenny receives the ball]
Kyle: Okay, my turn. [Kenny gives him the ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind him]
Cartman: Where is it, you filthy Jew?!
Kyle: [throws up the ball] Where's what?
Cartman: [grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently] You know goddamn well what!
Kyle: Let go of me!
Stan: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?!
Cartman: I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! [shakes Kyle again] What did you do with my picture?!
Kyle: Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture!
Cartman: [rolls up his sleeves] Give it back, Kyle!
Kyle: I don't have it!
Cartman: [stretches his arms left and right, then up and down] I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, [puts up his fists as if to box] I'm gonna break your fucking Jew legs right here.
Kyle: Shut up.
Cartman: You shut up! You're lying, [points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny] and you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! [points to Stan] Stan, you're a Jew, [points to Kenny] and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews!
[Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly]
Cartman: Ow! [puts his left hand over his right arm] Ow! Aaargh! [grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park, screaming]
Stan: Aw, man, I've got H.O.R.S. now. [steps aside as Kenny receives the ball]
Kyle: Okay, my turn. [Kenny gives him the ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind him]
Cartman: Where is it, you filthy Jew?!
Kyle: [throws up the ball] Where's what?
Cartman: [grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently] You know goddamn well what!
Kyle: Let go of me!
Stan: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?!
Cartman: I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! [shakes Kyle again] What did you do with my picture?!
Kyle: Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture!
Cartman: [rolls up his sleeves] Give it back, Kyle!
Kyle: I don't have it!
Cartman: [stretches his arms left and right, then up and down] I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, [puts up his fists as if to box] I'm gonna break your fucking Jew legs right here.
Kyle: Shut up.
Cartman: You shut up! You're lying, [points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny] and you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! [points to Stan] Stan, you're a Jew, [points to Kenny] and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews!
[Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly]
Cartman: Ow! [puts his left hand over his right arm] Ow! Aaargh! [grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park, screaming]
TV Show: South Park
[Butters and Bradley, his roommate at church camp, are writing verses after Bradley got them in trouble]
Bradley: Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble.
Butters: Aw, that's okay, Bradley.
Bradley: I really want to get better. I do everything the counselors say, but somehow I still feel confused.
Butters: Yeah, well, hopefully when we finish these verses, we won't be bi-curious no more and then we can go home!
Bradley: You're really terrific, Butters. I mean, I think you're great. [smiles, then pauses, horrified] Uh oh! OH, GOD! Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts! [jumps out of chair, panicked]
Butters: What's the matter?
Bradley: I-I think I...I think I like you.
Butters: Well, I like you too, Bradley!
Bradley: YOU DO?! You like-like me?!
Butters: Sure, Bradley! I like-like you a lot-lot! Hahaha!
Bradley: Oh god! We're both unfixable!
Bradley: Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble.
Butters: Aw, that's okay, Bradley.
Bradley: I really want to get better. I do everything the counselors say, but somehow I still feel confused.
Butters: Yeah, well, hopefully when we finish these verses, we won't be bi-curious no more and then we can go home!
Bradley: You're really terrific, Butters. I mean, I think you're great. [smiles, then pauses, horrified] Uh oh! OH, GOD! Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts! [jumps out of chair, panicked]
Butters: What's the matter?
Bradley: I-I think I...I think I like you.
Butters: Well, I like you too, Bradley!
Bradley: YOU DO?! You like-like me?!
Butters: Sure, Bradley! I like-like you a lot-lot! Hahaha!
Bradley: Oh god! We're both unfixable!
TV Show: South Park
Mrs. Garrison: All right, students, let's take our seats. Apparently we have a little problem here at the school which we need to talk about.
Cartman: Ah, yes. [points to Kyle] You mean the Jew problem. Good, good. I'm glad we're going to finally do something about it.
Cartman: Ah, yes. [points to Kyle] You mean the Jew problem. Good, good. I'm glad we're going to finally do something about it.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: We all know the only person who can spread the lice here is Kenny and the Jew.
Kenny: What?! Fuck you!
Kenny: What?! Fuck you!
TV Show: South Park
[Clyde is in the waiting room awaiting treatment for his lice]
Girl: I have an ear infection. What are you here for?
Clyde: I have...I have AIDS.
Girl: I have an ear infection. What are you here for?
Clyde: I have...I have AIDS.
TV Show: South Park
[Kenny's parka is pulled off and thrown away, leaving only his underpants]
Cartman: All right, Kenny, you know what has to happen. Sock bath! Everyone wash Kenny with the soap and dry him off with the socks! [the students attack Kenny]
Kenny: [unmuffled] No, no, not the socks! No!
Cartman: All right, Kenny, you know what has to happen. Sock bath! Everyone wash Kenny with the soap and dry him off with the socks! [the students attack Kenny]
Kenny: [unmuffled] No, no, not the socks! No!
TV Show: South Park
Hillary Clinton: What is going on, Brian?
Brian: Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists have snuck a snuke up your sniz.
Hillary Clinton: [fanning face] Oh my.
Brian: What can we do? Can we disable the timer?
Alan Thompson: It won't have a timer. Snukes are detonated remotely. Whoever our terrorist is has the detonator with him.
Brian: But then that means--
Alan Thompson: Yes. If we don't find that detonator, everyone in the town of South Park is going to die. Forever.
Brian: Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists have snuck a snuke up your sniz.
Hillary Clinton: [fanning face] Oh my.
Brian: What can we do? Can we disable the timer?
Alan Thompson: It won't have a timer. Snukes are detonated remotely. Whoever our terrorist is has the detonator with him.
Brian: But then that means--
Alan Thompson: Yes. If we don't find that detonator, everyone in the town of South Park is going to die. Forever.
TV Show: South Park
Homeland Security Head: Ferris, set up over there. Two of you can take that bed area.
Kyle: Hey!
Homeland Security Head: Donner, take over that station.
Kyle: What's going on?
Homeland Security Head: This department is being absorbed by Homeland Security.
Kyle: Homeland Security?
Homeland Security Head: Look, your little game of going over people's heads is over. You can still work, but from now on you answer to me. You got that?
FBI Head: Excuse me, who's in charge here?
Homeland Security Head: I am.
FBI Head: Yeah, well, not anymore you're not. This department has just been assigned to the FBI.
Homeland Security Head: That's outrageous! On whose orders?
FBI Head: On order of the Secretary of Defense. You had your shot, now I'm in charge.
ATF Head: Not anymore you're not. Orders just came down from Central. They want ATF handling this on all fronts. All right, people, from now on you're answering to me.
President's Staff Head: Not anymore they're not. Orders from the President. He wants this handled by his staff personally. Now Nelson is in charge.
Nelson: Not anymore I'm not! [awkward silence]
Kyle: Hey!
Homeland Security Head: Donner, take over that station.
Kyle: What's going on?
Homeland Security Head: This department is being absorbed by Homeland Security.
Kyle: Homeland Security?
Homeland Security Head: Look, your little game of going over people's heads is over. You can still work, but from now on you answer to me. You got that?
FBI Head: Excuse me, who's in charge here?
Homeland Security Head: I am.
FBI Head: Yeah, well, not anymore you're not. This department has just been assigned to the FBI.
Homeland Security Head: That's outrageous! On whose orders?
FBI Head: On order of the Secretary of Defense. You had your shot, now I'm in charge.
ATF Head: Not anymore you're not. Orders just came down from Central. They want ATF handling this on all fronts. All right, people, from now on you're answering to me.
President's Staff Head: Not anymore they're not. Orders from the President. He wants this handled by his staff personally. Now Nelson is in charge.
Nelson: Not anymore I'm not! [awkward silence]
TV Show: South Park
Staff Assistant: Sir, these kids are right. We've just received intel that Russian terrorists are believed to be responsible for the threat.
Staff Head: Where's the intel from?
Staff Assistant: We just read it on Drudge Report.
Staff Head: Where's the intel from?
Staff Assistant: We just read it on Drudge Report.
TV Show: South Park
Staff Head: We do this my way! I'm the one in charge!
Kyle: [pauses] Not anymore you're not.
Staff Head: Oh, snap. [walks off, depressed]
Kyle: [pauses] Not anymore you're not.
Staff Head: Oh, snap. [walks off, depressed]
TV Show: South Park
Alan Thompson: The game is over! Get down on the ground!
Vladimir Stolfsky: How did they find us?
Alan Thompson: We know about everything. Your diversion to help the redcoats is over.
Vladimir Stolfsky: It doesn't matter. The detonator is on a timer. You are too late. In 3 minutes--
[power outage]
Vladimir Stolfsky: What the hell?
SWAT Team Member: The power went out.
Alan Thompson: So then what time is it?
[power returns and clock is stuck on 12: 00: 00]
Vladimir Stolfsky: Oh, crap!
Vladimir Stolfsky: How did they find us?
Alan Thompson: We know about everything. Your diversion to help the redcoats is over.
Vladimir Stolfsky: It doesn't matter. The detonator is on a timer. You are too late. In 3 minutes--
[power outage]
Vladimir Stolfsky: What the hell?
SWAT Team Member: The power went out.
Alan Thompson: So then what time is it?
[power returns and clock is stuck on 12: 00: 00]
Vladimir Stolfsky: Oh, crap!
TV Show: South Park
[Cartman on Easter Bunny's lap in the mall]
Cartman: ...and I want a Baltor soldier doll for Easter, and 5 crash-and-go RC cars, you got that? DO YOU HAVE THAT?!
Easter Bunny: Uh...don't you think that's....
Cartman: No! No! You don't ask me questions! You are a rabbit. I am a human. If you don't bring me what I want for Easter, I can fuckin' kill you!
[camerawoman takes a picture of Cartman and Easter Bunny. Cartman leaves]
Cartman: [happily] Bye, Easter Bunny!
Easter Bunny: Oh my God!
Cartman: ...and I want a Baltor soldier doll for Easter, and 5 crash-and-go RC cars, you got that? DO YOU HAVE THAT?!
Easter Bunny: Uh...don't you think that's....
Cartman: No! No! You don't ask me questions! You are a rabbit. I am a human. If you don't bring me what I want for Easter, I can fuckin' kill you!
[camerawoman takes a picture of Cartman and Easter Bunny. Cartman leaves]
Cartman: [happily] Bye, Easter Bunny!
Easter Bunny: Oh my God!
TV Show: South Park