South Park Quotes
[Ninjas enter Professor Teabag's mansion and sneak up behind the butler, who is polishing silver. The butler senses and turns to see them]
Butler: MR. TEABAG, GET OUT!
[ninjas kill him]
Stan: They found me!
Prof. Teabag: Boys, get out of here. [opens a window and lets Stan and Kyle down a ladder] Head to the woods, I'll try to buy you some time. [goes over to table and gets a box of marshmallow peeps]
Ninja: [distantly] Check upstairs! [Teabag puts peeps into oven] Kitchen's clear, try the office! [Teabag sets oven for 15 seconds. Ninja bursts through the door] In here... [follows and notices peeps in oven] What's that? [peeps swell in oven as microwave ticks down. Teabag closes his eyes] PEEEEPS!
[oven explodes; explosion kills Teabag and ninjas and destroys mansion]
Butler: MR. TEABAG, GET OUT!
[ninjas kill him]
Stan: They found me!
Prof. Teabag: Boys, get out of here. [opens a window and lets Stan and Kyle down a ladder] Head to the woods, I'll try to buy you some time. [goes over to table and gets a box of marshmallow peeps]
Ninja: [distantly] Check upstairs! [Teabag puts peeps into oven] Kitchen's clear, try the office! [Teabag sets oven for 15 seconds. Ninja bursts through the door] In here... [follows and notices peeps in oven] What's that? [peeps swell in oven as microwave ticks down. Teabag closes his eyes] PEEEEPS!
[oven explodes; explosion kills Teabag and ninjas and destroys mansion]
TV Show: South Park
[In a Vatican Holding Cell]
Jesus: We have no choice, Kyle, You're going to have to kill me.
Kyle: What!
Jesus: Stab me with this! [shows Kyle the nail file] If I die I can resurrect outside the bars.
Kyle: No way! Do it yourself.
Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle.
Kyle: Dude, you don't understand. I'm a Jew. I have a few hang-ups about killing Jesus.
Jesus: Just make it quick, through the neck, I'll rise again immediately.
Kyle: Don't make me do this.
Jesus: My son, there is no time, DO IT!
Kyle: ...Eric Cartman can never know about this.
Jesus: I understand, and Kyle...Happy Easter.
Kyle: Happy Easter, Jesus. [stabs Jesus in neck]
[Jesus makes dying noises and runs around cell bleeding to death]
Kyle: Jesus?
Jesus: We have no choice, Kyle, You're going to have to kill me.
Kyle: What!
Jesus: Stab me with this! [shows Kyle the nail file] If I die I can resurrect outside the bars.
Kyle: No way! Do it yourself.
Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle.
Kyle: Dude, you don't understand. I'm a Jew. I have a few hang-ups about killing Jesus.
Jesus: Just make it quick, through the neck, I'll rise again immediately.
Kyle: Don't make me do this.
Jesus: My son, there is no time, DO IT!
Kyle: ...Eric Cartman can never know about this.
Jesus: I understand, and Kyle...Happy Easter.
Kyle: Happy Easter, Jesus. [stabs Jesus in neck]
[Jesus makes dying noises and runs around cell bleeding to death]
Kyle: Jesus?
TV Show: South Park
[Mrs. Garrison defends a lesbian bar, called "Les Bos", from a Persian takeover]
Mrs. Garrison: Would you allow straight people in? Men?!
Persian Messenger: Well, we would allow whoever--
Mrs. Garrison: Choose your next words carefully, Persian!
Persian Messenger: Look, pal, we don't have to offer you anything, so...I don't know why you're being so difficult. This is crazy!
Mrs. Garrison: No. This isn't crazy. This...is..."Les Bos"!
[Mrs. Garrison kicks the Persian Messenger in the balls, in slow motion. The Persian Messenger screams in slow-motion agony]
Fellow Messenger: How dare you!
[Mrs. Garrison twists her body in slow motion à la Oracle Girl from 300]
Mrs. Garrison: Would you allow straight people in? Men?!
Persian Messenger: Well, we would allow whoever--
Mrs. Garrison: Choose your next words carefully, Persian!
Persian Messenger: Look, pal, we don't have to offer you anything, so...I don't know why you're being so difficult. This is crazy!
Mrs. Garrison: No. This isn't crazy. This...is..."Les Bos"!
[Mrs. Garrison kicks the Persian Messenger in the balls, in slow motion. The Persian Messenger screams in slow-motion agony]
Fellow Messenger: How dare you!
[Mrs. Garrison twists her body in slow motion à la Oracle Girl from 300]
TV Show: South Park
Mrs. Garrison: I saw the way you were looking at me. Scissoring me with your eyes.
TV Show: South Park
Mrs. Garrison: I mean, really I don't even understand how two women can make love, unless they just kind of scissor or something.
TV Show: South Park
Mrs. Garrison: Children, I have to tell you something that you might find shocking. [sighs] I'm gay.
Stan: Again?
Stan: Again?
TV Show: South Park
Mrs. Garrison: I know you're actually a woman.
Xerxes: How...? How did you find that out?
Mrs. Garrison: I hired Mexicans to spy on you! They saw you working out at Curves.
Xerxes: You don't understand. Women can't be the boss in Persian culture. Nobody can know about this.
Xerxes: How...? How did you find that out?
Mrs. Garrison: I hired Mexicans to spy on you! They saw you working out at Curves.
Xerxes: You don't understand. Women can't be the boss in Persian culture. Nobody can know about this.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [jumps off his skateboard] Yes! I did it! [tosses his helmet away] I jumped over the homeless! Yes!
Kenny: Yeees!
Stan: That was a sweet idea, Kyle.
Kyle: Goddammit, that wasn't my idea!
Kenny: Yeees!
Stan: That was a sweet idea, Kyle.
Kyle: Goddammit, that wasn't my idea!
TV Show: South Park
Gerald: Don't have any change. Don't have any change. Dammit! All right, you want change? Here. [reaches into his left pocket and tosses some change off to his left] There! There's some change. All right, a little bit. [reaches into his right pocket and tosses some change off to his right] There you go. Take the change. [leaves, but stops himself] Oh wait. Wait, now I don't have any change left for the bus. Hold on. Can I just get back some of that change, please?
Bum 12: Change, sir?
Gerald: Can I have just a little change for the bus, please? I need a little--anybody have some change? Change? Got any change? [Randy follows Gerald through his binoculars] Change. Change? [Randy lowers his binoculars in horror]
Steven: What happened?
Randy: [closes his eyes] He's become one of them.
Bum 12: Change, sir?
Gerald: Can I have just a little change for the bus, please? I need a little--anybody have some change? Change? Got any change? [Randy follows Gerald through his binoculars] Change. Change? [Randy lowers his binoculars in horror]
Steven: What happened?
Randy: [closes his eyes] He's become one of them.
TV Show: South Park
Steve: Oh, God. One of them is a war veteran. [more knocking] We're gonna have to give him some change.
TV Show: South Park
Homeless Advisor: They feed on our change. They need it in order to keep them moving.
Bum 14: Is that...is that some spare change?
Homeless Advisor: Somehow they're able to take our change and turn it into nourishment, sustenance.
Bum 14: Spare some of that change, sir?
Homeless Advisor: But now watch. [drops some coins into the bum's cup and walks back to the boys; the bum rattles his cup a bit]
Bum 14: Spare some change?
Homeless Advisor: It has already completely forgotten that I've given it change. It just wants more, change. Look over here. [heads to his left and the boys follow] This one I've kept deprived of change for over three days.
Bum 15: Chaaaaange?
Kyle: What's it doing?
Homeless Advisor: It's dying.
Cartman: Cool.
Bum 14: Is that...is that some spare change?
Homeless Advisor: Somehow they're able to take our change and turn it into nourishment, sustenance.
Bum 14: Spare some of that change, sir?
Homeless Advisor: But now watch. [drops some coins into the bum's cup and walks back to the boys; the bum rattles his cup a bit]
Bum 14: Spare some change?
Homeless Advisor: It has already completely forgotten that I've given it change. It just wants more, change. Look over here. [heads to his left and the boys follow] This one I've kept deprived of change for over three days.
Bum 15: Chaaaaange?
Kyle: What's it doing?
Homeless Advisor: It's dying.
Cartman: Cool.
TV Show: South Park
[Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman fall in the sewer]
Cartman: Aw, God, it really smells like Kenny's house down here.
Kenny: Stop fucking talking about my house!
Cartman: Whoa, Kenny, relax, dude. We need to work together.
Cartman: Aw, God, it really smells like Kenny's house down here.
Kenny: Stop fucking talking about my house!
Cartman: Whoa, Kenny, relax, dude. We need to work together.
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Hi. [bum turns around to look at him] I've uh, I've been saving up for a new Xbox game, but but I think you could use the money a lot more than I could. [bum stares] Listen, I...I want you to take this. It's $20. [gives the money to the bum, backs up and smiles]
Bum: ...Got any more?
Kyle: [smile disappears] No, that's--I thought that was a lot.
Bum: [turns away and takes a few steps away from Kyle] Spare any change?
Kyle: You're welcome. [turns and walks away while looking at the ground in shock]
Bum: ...Got any more?
Kyle: [smile disappears] No, that's--I thought that was a lot.
Bum: [turns away and takes a few steps away from Kyle] Spare any change?
Kyle: You're welcome. [turns and walks away while looking at the ground in shock]
TV Show: South Park
[Randy is walking down the sidewalk]
Bum 1: Spare some change?
Randy: No, sorry, I don't have any change.
Bum 2: Got any change?
Randy: No, sorry. [bum follows him]
Bum 3: Can you spare some change?
[Randy looks over his shoulder at the bum, speechless, continues walking and bumps into a bum in front of him]
Bum 4: Chaaaange?
Randy: Agh! I don't have any change! [bums begin to surround him]
Bum 5: Change?
Randy: No!
Bum 6: Chaaange?
[Randy runs off]
Bum 7: Spare some change?
Randy: Leave me alone, I don't have any change!
Bum 7: All right, God bless you, sir.
Randy: Aw, now I feel bad! Here! [runs back and puts some change in the cup] Ahhh! [runs off due to the bums following him]
Bums: [following Randy] Chaaaange, chaaaaange!
Bum 1: Spare some change?
Randy: No, sorry, I don't have any change.
Bum 2: Got any change?
Randy: No, sorry. [bum follows him]
Bum 3: Can you spare some change?
[Randy looks over his shoulder at the bum, speechless, continues walking and bumps into a bum in front of him]
Bum 4: Chaaaange?
Randy: Agh! I don't have any change! [bums begin to surround him]
Bum 5: Change?
Randy: No!
Bum 6: Chaaange?
[Randy runs off]
Bum 7: Spare some change?
Randy: Leave me alone, I don't have any change!
Bum 7: All right, God bless you, sir.
Randy: Aw, now I feel bad! Here! [runs back and puts some change in the cup] Ahhh! [runs off due to the bums following him]
Bums: [following Randy] Chaaaange, chaaaaange!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: We're not having Cartman jump over more homeless people.
Kyle: [angrily] That wasn't my idea!
Kyle: [angrily] That wasn't my idea!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: [to Kyle after Cartman has jumped over three homeless people] Honestly, I don't know what you see in this, Kyle.
TV Show: South Park
Evergreen Leader's Wife: [horribly burned and missing her lips] You burned my lips off!
Evergreen Leader: I nurned your rip sauce?
Evergreen Leader: I nurned your rip sauce?
TV Show: South Park
Mrs. Garrison: [writing on blackboard] Okay, so what do we get when we multiply a negative number--
Cartman: Dick tits!
Mrs. Garrison: [pauses] ...when we multiply a negative number by another negative--
Cartman: Shit! Asshole! [Stan and Kyle glance back at him. Mrs. Garrison sighs; Cartman smiles] Excuse me.
Mrs. Garrison: And if we apply what we've just learned, we see that all negatives can--
Cartman: Splooge! Balls! Bloody vaginal belch!
[whole class giggles]
Cartman: [in a sing-song voice] You guys, don't laugh. It makes me feel insecure about my illness.
Mrs. Garrison: All right, kids, let's just try to focus on learning, okay? Now all you need to remember here is that negative numbers--
Cartman: Tampons! Tampon dick shit!
Kyle: Will you knock it off, already!
Cartman: Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. Kike.
Kyle: Don't push me, asshole!
Mrs. Garrison: Kyle! Watch your language! [Cartman begins laughing maniacally]
Craig: If I could yell "tampon dick shit" in the classroom, I'd be so happy.
Cartman: Dick tits!
Mrs. Garrison: [pauses] ...when we multiply a negative number by another negative--
Cartman: Shit! Asshole! [Stan and Kyle glance back at him. Mrs. Garrison sighs; Cartman smiles] Excuse me.
Mrs. Garrison: And if we apply what we've just learned, we see that all negatives can--
Cartman: Splooge! Balls! Bloody vaginal belch!
[whole class giggles]
Cartman: [in a sing-song voice] You guys, don't laugh. It makes me feel insecure about my illness.
Mrs. Garrison: All right, kids, let's just try to focus on learning, okay? Now all you need to remember here is that negative numbers--
Cartman: Tampons! Tampon dick shit!
Kyle: Will you knock it off, already!
Cartman: Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. Kike.
Kyle: Don't push me, asshole!
Mrs. Garrison: Kyle! Watch your language! [Cartman begins laughing maniacally]
Craig: If I could yell "tampon dick shit" in the classroom, I'd be so happy.
TV Show: South Park
[Kyle visits the Children's Therapy Center to see children who really have Tourette's]
Mr. Donaldson: Well, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, I think your son has learned a lot and he appears to be honestly remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities. Piss! Piss!
Sheila Broflovski: Our son is a good kid; he just didn't understand that Tourette's is a real disease.
Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think the only thing left is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman walks up and bats his eyes in anticipation]
Gerald Broflovski: Well, Kyle?
Kyle: [through his teeth, with his fists clenched] I'm sorry.
Cartman: What was that? I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.
Kyle: I'm sorry!
Cartman: You're "starry?" I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because I--
Kyle: I said I'm sorry, you piece of-- [cuts himself off]
Cartman: Oh-oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle, I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbshit douchebag! And it means a lot that you're standing here, apologizing, with your dad and lovely mother. Fat Jew! Jew bitch! [covers mouth]
Sheila: Oh, thank you, Eric.
Cartman: Thank you. Big-nosed kike!
Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think we can all put all this behind us now. Piss out my ass!
Cartman: Yeah! Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face! [coughs] Oh goodness, excuse me. Oh geez, that was a bad one.
Mr. Donaldson: Well, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, I think your son has learned a lot and he appears to be honestly remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities. Piss! Piss!
Sheila Broflovski: Our son is a good kid; he just didn't understand that Tourette's is a real disease.
Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think the only thing left is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman walks up and bats his eyes in anticipation]
Gerald Broflovski: Well, Kyle?
Kyle: [through his teeth, with his fists clenched] I'm sorry.
Cartman: What was that? I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.
Kyle: I'm sorry!
Cartman: You're "starry?" I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because I--
Kyle: I said I'm sorry, you piece of-- [cuts himself off]
Cartman: Oh-oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle, I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbshit douchebag! And it means a lot that you're standing here, apologizing, with your dad and lovely mother. Fat Jew! Jew bitch! [covers mouth]
Sheila: Oh, thank you, Eric.
Cartman: Thank you. Big-nosed kike!
Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think we can all put all this behind us now. Piss out my ass!
Cartman: Yeah! Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face! [coughs] Oh goodness, excuse me. Oh geez, that was a bad one.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [to Thomas] Isn't having Tourettes awesome?
[Thomas raises an eyebrow suspiciously]
[Thomas raises an eyebrow suspiciously]
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: This Saturday I will go on national television, live. I will say horrible things on the air. Despicable things! And people will call me brave.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Finally, my wish of going public with my illness can come true. Goddamn Jews! Suck my ass-barf!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: So I'm sorry, but I'm not doing the show and that's it. Goodbye! [gets up out of his seat and starts walking away]
Chris Hansen: Why don't you take a seat?
Cartman: No, I don't want to take a seat.
Chris Hansen: Have a seat.
Cartman: No, I'm just going to--
Chris Hansen: Take a seat, right over there. [Cartman walks over]
Cartman: How does he do that?
Chris Hansen: You know, one time, I was doing a show called "To Catch a Predator," and we almost caught this pedophile, but then he ran from us because he didn't want to be on "Dateline." So we tracked him down at his house, and you know what he did? He shot himself. It'd be a shame if you didn't want to be on "Dateline." It'd be a shame if we had to track you down and you shot yourself.
Cartman: I just peed my pants! [covers his mouth, shocked]
Chris Hansen: Why don't you take a seat?
Cartman: No, I don't want to take a seat.
Chris Hansen: Have a seat.
Cartman: No, I'm just going to--
Chris Hansen: Take a seat, right over there. [Cartman walks over]
Cartman: How does he do that?
Chris Hansen: You know, one time, I was doing a show called "To Catch a Predator," and we almost caught this pedophile, but then he ran from us because he didn't want to be on "Dateline." So we tracked him down at his house, and you know what he did? He shot himself. It'd be a shame if you didn't want to be on "Dateline." It'd be a shame if we had to track you down and you shot yourself.
Cartman: I just peed my pants! [covers his mouth, shocked]
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: This Saturday I will actually say anything I want on national television. I'm going to blast the Jews, Kyle. I'm going to call them every name in the book, and people will call it brilliant television. They'll probably give me an Emmy.
TV Show: South Park
Pedophile 1: Oh, no! Chris Hansen?! [shoots himself in the head]
Pedophile 2: "Dateline?!" [shoots himself in the head]
Pedophile 3: There aren't really brownies?! [shoots himself in the head]
Pedophile 2: "Dateline?!" [shoots himself in the head]
Pedophile 3: There aren't really brownies?! [shoots himself in the head]
TV Show: South Park