South Park Quotes
[Cartman, Kyle and Kenny are playing Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" on Rock Band]
Cartman: [to the tune of Poker Face]I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will beI don't give a crap about whales so go and hug a tree--
Cartman: [to the tune of Poker Face]I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will beI don't give a crap about whales so go and hug a tree--
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Wait, we can't just lie to people.
Paul Watson: Why not?
Stan: 'Cause then we're just douchebags, dude. C'mon let's get hardcore!
Paul Watson: You know what? He's right. It's time to bring out the big guns. You guys ready? Ready and throw the stinky butter at 'em!
Paul Watson: Why not?
Stan: 'Cause then we're just douchebags, dude. C'mon let's get hardcore!
Paul Watson: You know what? He's right. It's time to bring out the big guns. You guys ready? Ready and throw the stinky butter at 'em!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Admit you just want to be on TV.
Kenny: I just want to be on TV.
Cartman: [whispers] Kenny! [aloud] I deserve to be on TV.
Kenny: I just want to be on TV.
Cartman: [whispers] Kenny! [aloud] I deserve to be on TV.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Your show is fucking gay dude!
Northwestern crewmember: Your show is fucking gay!
Northwestern crewmember: Your show is fucking gay!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Dolphins and whales were framed by the real bombers. A chicken and a cow.
Emperor Akihito: [upon discovering "real" Hiroshima bombers] Chicken and Cow? CHICKEN AND COW?!
Yukio Hatoyama: CHICKEN AND COW USED POOR DOLPHIN AND WHALE AS A SCAPEGOAT?! THIS IS OUTRAGE!
Emperor Akihito: [upon discovering "real" Hiroshima bombers] Chicken and Cow? CHICKEN AND COW?!
Yukio Hatoyama: CHICKEN AND COW USED POOR DOLPHIN AND WHALE AS A SCAPEGOAT?! THIS IS OUTRAGE!
TV Show: South Park
Japanese People: Fakku you Cow! Fakku you Chicken!
Randy: [upon seeing the Japanese killing cows and chickens] Great job son. Now the Japanese are normal, like us.
Randy: [upon seeing the Japanese killing cows and chickens] Great job son. Now the Japanese are normal, like us.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Excuse me. Excuse me! HEY ASSHOLES!
Motorcycle Driver: What did you say?
Motorcycle Driver: What did you say?
TV Show: South Park
Gordon Stoltski: [reading morning announcements over the intercom to the school] Good morning, South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements. Parent-teacher conferences begin next Thursday. If you have not yet done so, please turn in your parents' requested time sheets by the end of fifth period today. Lunch today will be a choice of chicken tostadas or spaghetti with a marninara sauce and side salad. Attention fourth graders: the fall registration for Glee Club starts tomorrow. Any interested students should fill out a-- [is interrupted when a door is heard being kicked in] Whoa, what's going on?! [everyone in Fourth Grade classroom looks up at the speaker in surprise]
Intruder: I'll kill you! I swear to God I'll kill you!
Gordon: Who are you?!
Intruder: I'm the man who's gonna put a bullet between your eyes!
Gordon: Hey! He's got a gun!
Intruder: You little bastard! You fucked my wife! You think I wouldn't find out?!
Gordon: Sir, please, I don't know you.
Intruder: Yeah, right!
Man: [intervening] All right, what the hell is going on around here? You, sir, need to leave this area. [the intruder kills the man with two shots, causing alarm to people in classroom]
Gordon: [hysterical] Oh God, he shot him!
Intruder: You had to push me, didn't ya?! Now, you!
Gordon: [screams in terror] Sir, I clearly don't know-- [the intruder hits him; Gordon screams some more]
Intruder: There! How's it feel, huh?!
Gordon: [screaming hysterically] Please! I don't know you!
Intruder: You're Gordon Saltski, right?! Truck driver from Chicago?!
Gordon: No, I'm Gordon Stoltski, third grader who reads the morning announcements!
Intruder: Yeah, right! We'll see i
Intruder: I'll kill you! I swear to God I'll kill you!
Gordon: Who are you?!
Intruder: I'm the man who's gonna put a bullet between your eyes!
Gordon: Hey! He's got a gun!
Intruder: You little bastard! You fucked my wife! You think I wouldn't find out?!
Gordon: Sir, please, I don't know you.
Intruder: Yeah, right!
Man: [intervening] All right, what the hell is going on around here? You, sir, need to leave this area. [the intruder kills the man with two shots, causing alarm to people in classroom]
Gordon: [hysterical] Oh God, he shot him!
Intruder: You had to push me, didn't ya?! Now, you!
Gordon: [screams in terror] Sir, I clearly don't know-- [the intruder hits him; Gordon screams some more]
Intruder: There! How's it feel, huh?!
Gordon: [screaming hysterically] Please! I don't know you!
Intruder: You're Gordon Saltski, right?! Truck driver from Chicago?!
Gordon: No, I'm Gordon Stoltski, third grader who reads the morning announcements!
Intruder: Yeah, right! We'll see i
TV Show: South Park
[Stan confronts Cartman at his book signing of "What Happened to My School?", which includes offensive and explicit rumors about Wendy Testaburger, Stan's girlfriend]
Stan: What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Cartman: A book signing.
Stan: I looked through your stupid book! It's 540 pages of ripping on Wendy and calling her a slut!
Cartman: I do not directly say she's a slut!
Stan: [reading from book] "Wendy Testaburger has proven time and time again that she will do anything to pleasure her vagina. Whether it is the school football team or the janitors on their break, Wendy spends her time as president on her knees or on her back taking the old in-out for hours on end!"
Cartman: [leans over the table and points something out to him] You didn't read the rest, dude.
Stan: [reading] "Or does she?"
Cartman: "Or does she?" See, that's a question. I'm asking questions, Stan! I've called for Wendy to come on my show and defend herself, but she won't do it!
Butters: [showing up with his Melvins] Yeah, and she hates Smurfs!
First Boy: [reading from book] "Shouldn't we be worried if our school president is a girl who would rather get her tits licked than go to student council meetings?"
Stan: Hey-hey, stop reading that!
First Boy: Well, what do you mean?
Stan: Listen, just because a guy's voice is on the intercom and his words are in a book doesn't mean he has any idea what he's talking about!
Second Boy: Yes, it does!
Casey Miller: Eric Cartman is simply making it so that all kids take responsibility to question their school leaders. We should all ask if our president is a penis-hungry hooker with a huge vagina. I'm Casey Miller.
Stan: What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Cartman: A book signing.
Stan: I looked through your stupid book! It's 540 pages of ripping on Wendy and calling her a slut!
Cartman: I do not directly say she's a slut!
Stan: [reading from book] "Wendy Testaburger has proven time and time again that she will do anything to pleasure her vagina. Whether it is the school football team or the janitors on their break, Wendy spends her time as president on her knees or on her back taking the old in-out for hours on end!"
Cartman: [leans over the table and points something out to him] You didn't read the rest, dude.
Stan: [reading] "Or does she?"
Cartman: "Or does she?" See, that's a question. I'm asking questions, Stan! I've called for Wendy to come on my show and defend herself, but she won't do it!
Butters: [showing up with his Melvins] Yeah, and she hates Smurfs!
First Boy: [reading from book] "Shouldn't we be worried if our school president is a girl who would rather get her tits licked than go to student council meetings?"
Stan: Hey-hey, stop reading that!
First Boy: Well, what do you mean?
Stan: Listen, just because a guy's voice is on the intercom and his words are in a book doesn't mean he has any idea what he's talking about!
Second Boy: Yes, it does!
Casey Miller: Eric Cartman is simply making it so that all kids take responsibility to question their school leaders. We should all ask if our president is a penis-hungry hooker with a huge vagina. I'm Casey Miller.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Whoa! Cooool! [struts over to it, then presses some icons on the iPad on the Japanese man's forehead.] Oh wooow! No waaay! [walks to the iPad on the woman's ass and presses some icons there.] It does e-mail and Web browsing, and it shits in Kyle's mouth?? This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: [about Cartman's ripping off on Wendy] Wendy, did you see the stuff Cartman is saying about you now?
Wendy: I really don't care, Stan.
Stan: Well, don't you think you should go on his show and defend yourself?! Everyone is starting to think you're a crappy president.
Wendy: I'm not giving Eric Fartman one minute of my time, you got that?! I'm not acknowledging his stupid questions. If you want him dealt with, you'll have to do it yourself!
Wendy: I really don't care, Stan.
Stan: Well, don't you think you should go on his show and defend yourself?! Everyone is starting to think you're a crappy president.
Wendy: I'm not giving Eric Fartman one minute of my time, you got that?! I'm not acknowledging his stupid questions. If you want him dealt with, you'll have to do it yourself!
TV Show: South Park
[after Casey Miller announces about Cartman's preformance as president]
Cartman: I'm doing the best that I can!! [begins to cry, leaves his desk and runs out of the classroom, sobbing]
Cartman: I'm doing the best that I can!! [begins to cry, leaves his desk and runs out of the classroom, sobbing]
TV Show: South Park
Eric Cartman's Minorities Song: What has happened to this place / I don’t recognize it anymore / It used to be so fun and special / What is life worth living for The dream is dead / Our land is gone / There’s a hole in my heart / And I can’t go on / There are too many minorities (minorities) / At my water park (my water park) / This was our land, our dream (our dream) / and they’ve taken it all away / They just keep coming and coming (minorities) / I tried to go and tell the police / But even the authorities / Are minorities (are minorities) / At my water park / There’s no place for me to sit anymore / And the lines just keep getting crazier / There are Mexicans all around me / The lazy river has never been lazier / It’s a 40 minute wait to go down one slide / And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride (just do it in English!) / There are too many minorities (too many) / At my water park (somebody do something) / Where did they all come from / Why can’t they leave this land alone / And it’s such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying) / We looked the other way too long / We’ve got to change our priorities / And get all these minorities/ Out of my water park / (Minorities) Mexicans and Asian / Black people / I think I even saw Native Americans (gross) / God I’m asking please / Get all of these minorities / Out of my water park (my water park)
TV Show: South Park
Recurring line: We have a turd in the punchbowl. I repeat, we have a turd in the punchbowl.
TV Show: South Park
Elin Nordegren: [recurring line] You motherfucker! I never should've married you!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: [runs in, panicking] Guys, guys! We are totally fucked! The book is gone from my dresser drawer; my parents must have found it!
Cartman: So why are we all fucked? They'll think you wrote it all!
Stan: [angrily] Hey, I'm not taking the heat for this alone! We all wrote it; if I'm going down, someone has to go down with me!
Kyle: Well, if I'm going down, Cartman's going down!
Cartman: And if I'm going down, both Kyle and Kenny are definitely going down!
Stan: Well dude, somebody has got to go down!
Cartman: So why are we all fucked? They'll think you wrote it all!
Stan: [angrily] Hey, I'm not taking the heat for this alone! We all wrote it; if I'm going down, someone has to go down with me!
Kyle: Well, if I'm going down, Cartman's going down!
Cartman: And if I'm going down, both Kyle and Kenny are definitely going down!
Stan: Well dude, somebody has got to go down!
TV Show: South Park
[Butters is confronted by the boys in the school hallways]
Cartman: Butters, what the fuck do you think you're doing?!
Butters: Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?
Kyle: Butters, you know goddamn well you didn't write that book!
Butters: [a little angrily] But, you told me I did.
Stan: Yeah, but that's when we thought we were going to get in trouble, asshole!
[Red and Lola appear and defend Butters]
Red: Hey, hey, you leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist.
Lola: [fondly] He's so brooding and full of angst.
Butters: [smugly] Yeah, I'm brooding.
Cartman: Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit.
Red: Oh, God, you guys are pathetic!
Lola: Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off Butters' success for once!
[the girls leave]
Stan: [frustrated] God damn it!
Kyle: Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have--!
Butters: [snaps] No! Let me tell you something, fellas!! You always take advantage of me. And after reading Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! [the boys look shocked at this sudden explosion] I'm not letting you trick me this time. So the four of you can just suck on my wiener.
Cartman: Butters, what the fuck do you think you're doing?!
Butters: Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?
Kyle: Butters, you know goddamn well you didn't write that book!
Butters: [a little angrily] But, you told me I did.
Stan: Yeah, but that's when we thought we were going to get in trouble, asshole!
[Red and Lola appear and defend Butters]
Red: Hey, hey, you leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist.
Lola: [fondly] He's so brooding and full of angst.
Butters: [smugly] Yeah, I'm brooding.
Cartman: Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit.
Red: Oh, God, you guys are pathetic!
Lola: Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off Butters' success for once!
[the girls leave]
Stan: [frustrated] God damn it!
Kyle: Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have--!
Butters: [snaps] No! Let me tell you something, fellas!! You always take advantage of me. And after reading Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! [the boys look shocked at this sudden explosion] I'm not letting you trick me this time. So the four of you can just suck on my wiener.
TV Show: South Park
Reporter: [commenting on The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs] The book is full of disgusting words and acts, including Sarah Jessica Parker, who is mentioned 465 times. Matthew Broderick, are you upset your wife is made fun of so much in the book?
Matthew Broderick: Well, obviously. I just think it's wrong to make fun of anybody's physical appearance. My wife is a beautiful woman, and I know that most people agree with me.
Reporter: Uh-huh. And Matthew? How come a transvestite donkey witch is standing next to you, and why is it wearing a dress? [Parker simply blinks at the camera, but Broderick gets a stunned look on his face]
Matthew Broderick: Well, obviously. I just think it's wrong to make fun of anybody's physical appearance. My wife is a beautiful woman, and I know that most people agree with me.
Reporter: Uh-huh. And Matthew? How come a transvestite donkey witch is standing next to you, and why is it wearing a dress? [Parker simply blinks at the camera, but Broderick gets a stunned look on his face]
TV Show: South Park
News Reporter: [After Butters' book influences a lunatic to murder the Kardashians] Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading "The Poop that took a Pee" by Leopold "Butters" Stotch. It's all over; the Kardashians wiped out in the blink of an eye, all because one little prick had to go an write a book! Leopold Stotch, I hope they bury you, you evil fuck!!
TV Show: South Park
[Randy is smoking weed in front of Officer Barbrady, with his enlarged testicles in a wheelbarrow]
Randy: Oh, that is nice. That is nice
Jimbo: [running up] Randy! Jesus, Randy! Your balls!
Randy: I know. Smoking pot right in front of a cop. Pretty sweet, huh?
Jimbo: No! I mean your actual balls!
Randy: Oh, that is nice. That is nice
Jimbo: [running up] Randy! Jesus, Randy! Your balls!
Randy: I know. Smoking pot right in front of a cop. Pretty sweet, huh?
Jimbo: No! I mean your actual balls!
TV Show: South Park
[Kenny is watching Pardon the Interruption ]
Tony Kornheiser: All right, now we turn from the NFL to the world of NASCAR. People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted, ignorant statements on his podcast.
Cartman: [In a southern accent] All right whats up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this president Obama is pissin me off, so I'm going to do some dippin and speak my mind. Today I'm going to be dippin some Vagisil regular strength anti-itch cream. [Drinks some Vagisil] So I'm pissed off what I found out. I found out this Obama wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline! What the fuck is up with that? Thats fuckin gay! [Kenny, watching, buries his head intro his arms] Its gay as hell. Y'all know my pit boss, Butters.
Butters: Obama's fuckin gay.
Cartman: He's fuckin gay as hell.
Butters: Pisses me off.
Cartman: So y'all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor and stupid as they fuckin come so come down and cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday. Obama is gay as hell!
Tony Kornheiser: Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR is for the poor and the stupid.
Kenny: Fuck you!
Tony Kornheiser: All right, now we turn from the NFL to the world of NASCAR. People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted, ignorant statements on his podcast.
Cartman: [In a southern accent] All right whats up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this president Obama is pissin me off, so I'm going to do some dippin and speak my mind. Today I'm going to be dippin some Vagisil regular strength anti-itch cream. [Drinks some Vagisil] So I'm pissed off what I found out. I found out this Obama wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline! What the fuck is up with that? Thats fuckin gay! [Kenny, watching, buries his head intro his arms] Its gay as hell. Y'all know my pit boss, Butters.
Butters: Obama's fuckin gay.
Cartman: He's fuckin gay as hell.
Butters: Pisses me off.
Cartman: So y'all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor and stupid as they fuckin come so come down and cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday. Obama is gay as hell!
Tony Kornheiser: Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR is for the poor and the stupid.
Kenny: Fuck you!
TV Show: South Park
[Specialists are sorting out Stan's hoarding problem. Everyone is assembled at Stan's locker]
Dr. Chinstrap: Hello, everyone, my name is Dr. Chinstrap. I'm a hoarding specialist, and today, we're gonna help Stan clean out his locker. All right, let's go ahead and see inside your locker, Stan.
[Stan opens his locker, which is quite stuffed. There are gasps of shock all around, and Wendy starts crying]
Stan: What? Come on, it's not that bad.
Dr. Chinstrap: Now, as part of Stan's therapy, we need to make sure we don't throw away anything he doesn't want us to. Stan needs to feel like he is in control, or his psychosis will come out.
Stan: "My psychosis?" Look, it isn't that big of a deal, I'll just throw this stuff away.
Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, great. Now how about we start with this... [takes out a pencil box]
Stan: Well, no, that's my pencil box. I need my pencil box.
Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, okay, we'll put that right here on the floor. [places box down and takes out a broken toothbrush] Now, how about this? Broken toothbrush?
Stan: Well, it's good to have that, because sometimes I really wanna brush after lunch, and I...
Dr. Chinstrap: But it's broken.
Stan: Yeah, but it works perfectly fine, and it...
Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, okay, broken toothbrush is going right here, by the pencil box. [places it down and takes out a maggot-infested sandwich] Now, how about this? Old sandwich in a baggie, filled with maggots? [there are groans of disgust from all those present]
Stan: [faltering slightly] Well, that, I mean, yeah, I mean, I kinda need that, let's just keep that.
Dr. Chinstrap: It's full of maggots, Stan. Can we throw it away?
Stan: [faltering further] Well I might need it if I ever have to,
Dr. Chinstrap: Hello, everyone, my name is Dr. Chinstrap. I'm a hoarding specialist, and today, we're gonna help Stan clean out his locker. All right, let's go ahead and see inside your locker, Stan.
[Stan opens his locker, which is quite stuffed. There are gasps of shock all around, and Wendy starts crying]
Stan: What? Come on, it's not that bad.
Dr. Chinstrap: Now, as part of Stan's therapy, we need to make sure we don't throw away anything he doesn't want us to. Stan needs to feel like he is in control, or his psychosis will come out.
Stan: "My psychosis?" Look, it isn't that big of a deal, I'll just throw this stuff away.
Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, great. Now how about we start with this... [takes out a pencil box]
Stan: Well, no, that's my pencil box. I need my pencil box.
Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, okay, we'll put that right here on the floor. [places box down and takes out a broken toothbrush] Now, how about this? Broken toothbrush?
Stan: Well, it's good to have that, because sometimes I really wanna brush after lunch, and I...
Dr. Chinstrap: But it's broken.
Stan: Yeah, but it works perfectly fine, and it...
Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, okay, broken toothbrush is going right here, by the pencil box. [places it down and takes out a maggot-infested sandwich] Now, how about this? Old sandwich in a baggie, filled with maggots? [there are groans of disgust from all those present]
Stan: [faltering slightly] Well, that, I mean, yeah, I mean, I kinda need that, let's just keep that.
Dr. Chinstrap: It's full of maggots, Stan. Can we throw it away?
Stan: [faltering further] Well I might need it if I ever have to,
TV Show: South Park
Freddy Krueger: [Kills Woodsy Owl from behind] There's a real hoot for ya, Woodsy!
TV Show: South Park
Newsreader: The boys state that there also used to be a member named the Coon actually in the group, but they let him go because he was being quote: "a dick".
TV Show: South Park