South Park Quotes
Toolshed: Mysterion, if Cartman's gone why are we still calling ourselves "Coon and Friends"?
Mysterion: Because it pisses Cartman off beyond belief and I find that [laughs] extremely funny.
Mysterion: Because it pisses Cartman off beyond belief and I find that [laughs] extremely funny.
TV Show: South Park
Mysterion: What happened at those meetings?
Stuart McCormick: Trust us, we don't remember. I know it sounds hard to believe but we were actually really drunk the entire time.
Mysterion: I don't find that hard to believe at all.
Stuart McCormick: Trust us, we don't remember. I know it sounds hard to believe but we were actually really drunk the entire time.
Mysterion: I don't find that hard to believe at all.
TV Show: South Park
Mysterion: There are some superpowers that make yours look like nothing. Trust me, I know.
Hindsight: Wha... what is your power?
[pause]
Mysterion: I can't die. [pause] I've experienced death, countless times. Sometimes I see a bright light, sometimes I see heaven or hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed, wearing my same old clothes. And the worst part, no one even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day and everyone's just like "oh, hey Kenny," even if they had seen me get decapitated with their own eyes. You wanna whine about curses, Hindsight, you're talking to the wrong fucking cowboy.
Hindsight: Wha... what is your power?
[pause]
Mysterion: I can't die. [pause] I've experienced death, countless times. Sometimes I see a bright light, sometimes I see heaven or hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed, wearing my same old clothes. And the worst part, no one even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day and everyone's just like "oh, hey Kenny," even if they had seen me get decapitated with their own eyes. You wanna whine about curses, Hindsight, you're talking to the wrong fucking cowboy.
TV Show: South Park
Red Goth: I'm so freaking stoked that Cthulhu is gonna squash all the happy-go-lucky conformists.
Goth Leader: Yeah. I just hope he puts an end to the fucking Disney Channel.
Goth Leader: Yeah. I just hope he puts an end to the fucking Disney Channel.
TV Show: South Park
[When the boys are talking about their superpowers]
Toolshed: What's your superpower, Mysterion?
Mysterion: I can't die!
Toolshed: Oh, yeah, good one! Mysterion can't die and Iron Maiden is indestructible--
Mysterion: No, Stan, I'm being serious. I really, really can't die!
Stan: (laughing) What?
Mysterion: Like last night in the alley! The cult leader stabbed me and I bled all over the place and you screamed "Oh, my God!" and you (indicates Human Kite) called him a bastard.
Human Kite: When was that?
Mysterion: All the time! I die all the time! And you assholes never remember!
Stan: I think we would remember you dying, dude.
Mysterion: Well, you don't! I die over and over! Only to wake up in my bed like nothing happened.
Stan: Dude, you're freaking out Mint Berry Crunch. He's peed his pants.
Mint Berry Crunch: No, no! Mint Berry Crunch doesn't ever pee his pants!
Mysterion: (disappointed) I knew there'd be no point in telling you guys.
Human Kite: OK, dude, let's just say you're not crazy and it's true. What's the big deal? I mean, I think it'd be pretty cool not being able to die.
Mysterion: (furious) Pretty cool?! Do you know what it feels like to be stabbed?! To be shot, decapitated, torn apart, burnt, run over?!!
Stan: Kenny, Kenny, calm down!
Mysterion: It's not pretty cool, Kyle! It fucking hurts! And it won't go away and nobody will believe me! Remember this time! Try and fucking remember!
(Takes a gun and shoots himself.)
Toolshed: What's your superpower, Mysterion?
Mysterion: I can't die!
Toolshed: Oh, yeah, good one! Mysterion can't die and Iron Maiden is indestructible--
Mysterion: No, Stan, I'm being serious. I really, really can't die!
Stan: (laughing) What?
Mysterion: Like last night in the alley! The cult leader stabbed me and I bled all over the place and you screamed "Oh, my God!" and you (indicates Human Kite) called him a bastard.
Human Kite: When was that?
Mysterion: All the time! I die all the time! And you assholes never remember!
Stan: I think we would remember you dying, dude.
Mysterion: Well, you don't! I die over and over! Only to wake up in my bed like nothing happened.
Stan: Dude, you're freaking out Mint Berry Crunch. He's peed his pants.
Mint Berry Crunch: No, no! Mint Berry Crunch doesn't ever pee his pants!
Mysterion: (disappointed) I knew there'd be no point in telling you guys.
Human Kite: OK, dude, let's just say you're not crazy and it's true. What's the big deal? I mean, I think it'd be pretty cool not being able to die.
Mysterion: (furious) Pretty cool?! Do you know what it feels like to be stabbed?! To be shot, decapitated, torn apart, burnt, run over?!!
Stan: Kenny, Kenny, calm down!
Mysterion: It's not pretty cool, Kyle! It fucking hurts! And it won't go away and nobody will believe me! Remember this time! Try and fucking remember!
(Takes a gun and shoots himself.)
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: As the Coon explains how the disaster can be stopped something terrible happened. The Coon friends changed and their superpowers morphed them somehow turning them into supervillains! The Coon try to reason with them. Try to bring them back to the side of good but it was to late.
TV Show: South Park
[Sometime later the boys are talking about their next move for a good deed]
Mysterion: [annoyed] You guys have no memory of me shooting myself in the head, do you?
Toolshed: [laughs] What?
Mysterion: [annoyed] You guys have no memory of me shooting myself in the head, do you?
Toolshed: [laughs] What?
TV Show: South Park
[The Canadian army is awaiting the giant who took the Princess of Canada]
The Giant: Fee fi fo fum! I smell kraft dinner!
Canadian: It's the giant...Scott!
[The giant is revealed to be Scott the Dick]
Canadian General: Give us back the Princess, Scott!
Scott: You fart-loving tricksters! I'll take care of all of you!
Canadian General: You're a dick, Scott! You have always been a dick! And then you got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now you're a giant dick!
Scott: No! You all kept calling me a dick and that turned me into a dick! And then I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now I'm a giant dick!
The Giant: Fee fi fo fum! I smell kraft dinner!
Canadian: It's the giant...Scott!
[The giant is revealed to be Scott the Dick]
Canadian General: Give us back the Princess, Scott!
Scott: You fart-loving tricksters! I'll take care of all of you!
Canadian General: You're a dick, Scott! You have always been a dick! And then you got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now you're a giant dick!
Scott: No! You all kept calling me a dick and that turned me into a dick! And then I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now I'm a giant dick!
TV Show: South Park
Ugly Bob: Don't worry. If there's one thing eskimos are good at, it's finding things.
Scott: Eskimos are good for nothing! I paid one to give me a blow job once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for forty five seconds and ask me to pay her! God damn polar gooks.
Ike: Stop being a dick, Scott!
Scott: Oh, so now I'm a dick?!
Scott: Eskimos are good for nothing! I paid one to give me a blow job once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for forty five seconds and ask me to pay her! God damn polar gooks.
Ike: Stop being a dick, Scott!
Scott: Oh, so now I'm a dick?!
TV Show: South Park
Butters: ...and so then... And so then, it turns out that the Terminator secretly had a kid ten years ago, meaning Terminator could be his own father, and then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him.
Kyle: No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened.
Butters: Skeletor's real?
Stan: No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife.
Butters: Skeletor's a lady?
Kyle: No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened.
Butters: Skeletor's real?
Stan: No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife.
Butters: Skeletor's a lady?
TV Show: South Park
Worker: Sorry, doctor, your wife's on the phone; says it's an emergency.
Therapist: Excuse me. [goes to his desk and answers phone] Carol, what..? Whoa, calm down, honey. What do you mean? Web chat with wha..? What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would ne-- [Cartman spots texting and puts his iPhone 4 on the armrest] No, I don't have a criminal record, who-- Who is Mitch Connor? There can't be an official police report, honey, there's not-- No-no, Carol, put down the gun, swe-sweetie, come on-- Put down the-- [gunshot] Carol? Carol! [turns his head and stares at Cartman in shock]
Cartman: I'm not fat. I'm big boned.
Therapist: Excuse me. [goes to his desk and answers phone] Carol, what..? Whoa, calm down, honey. What do you mean? Web chat with wha..? What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would ne-- [Cartman spots texting and puts his iPhone 4 on the armrest] No, I don't have a criminal record, who-- Who is Mitch Connor? There can't be an official police report, honey, there's not-- No-no, Carol, put down the gun, swe-sweetie, come on-- Put down the-- [gunshot] Carol? Carol! [turns his head and stares at Cartman in shock]
Cartman: I'm not fat. I'm big boned.
TV Show: South Park
Eric Cartman: [Cartman is on an anthropological dig with the rest of the class] [singing]
Eric Cartman: Days never endin', massa got me workin', someday massa set me free!
TV Show: South Park
[about Jews]
Priest: They crucified Our Lord and Savior. If you don't go to hell for crucifying Our Savior, then what the hell DO you go to hell for?
Priest: They crucified Our Lord and Savior. If you don't go to hell for crucifying Our Savior, then what the hell DO you go to hell for?
TV Show: South Park
[addressing the damned]
Hell Director: Hello, newcomers and welcome. Can everybody hear me? Hello? [taps microphone]
Hell Director: Can everybody... ok. Um, I am the Hell Director. Uh, it looks like we have 8,615 of you newbies today. And for those of you who were little confused: uh, you are dead; and this is Hell. So abbandon all hope and yadda-yadda-yadda. Uh, we are now going to start the orientation PROcess which will last about...
Protestant: Hey, wait a minute. I shouldn't be here, I was a totally strick and devout Protestant. I thought we went to heaven.
Hell Director: Yes, well, I'm afraid you are wrong.
Soldier: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Hell Director: Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well.
Man from Crowd: Well who was right? Who gets in to Heaven?
Hell Director: I'm afraid it was the MORmons. Yes, the MORmons were the correct answer.
The Damned: Awwww...
Hell Director: Hello, newcomers and welcome. Can everybody hear me? Hello? [taps microphone]
Hell Director: Can everybody... ok. Um, I am the Hell Director. Uh, it looks like we have 8,615 of you newbies today. And for those of you who were little confused: uh, you are dead; and this is Hell. So abbandon all hope and yadda-yadda-yadda. Uh, we are now going to start the orientation PROcess which will last about...
Protestant: Hey, wait a minute. I shouldn't be here, I was a totally strick and devout Protestant. I thought we went to heaven.
Hell Director: Yes, well, I'm afraid you are wrong.
Soldier: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Hell Director: Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well.
Man from Crowd: Well who was right? Who gets in to Heaven?
Hell Director: I'm afraid it was the MORmons. Yes, the MORmons were the correct answer.
The Damned: Awwww...
TV Show: South Park
[Cartman's favorite "psalm"]
Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation, this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.
Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation, this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.
TV Show: South Park
[checks on the kids in her class to see if their parenting skills went well]
Ms. Garrison: Now, how about our gay couples? Stan and Kyle?
Stan: [determined] Fine!
Ms. Garrison: What?
Stan: No problems at all!
Ms. Garrison: [angry] That's impossible! [she snatches the egg from Stan's hand and looks it over carefully]
Ms. Garrison: Are you sure you didn't break it and switch eggs on me? Where's my signature?
Stan: It's right there, see? [he leans toward Kyle in fear; Wendy looks away from the action]
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] Two boys can't possibly take care of an egg!
Kyle: Dude, it's totally fine.
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] It isn't fine! It has two daddies! It may be fine on the outside, but inside it's confused and embarrassed! Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies! [taunts the egg directly]
Ms. Garrison: Two daddies! Two daddies! C'mon, class, let's rip on the freak egg! Two daddies! Two daddies!
Ms. Garrison: Now, how about our gay couples? Stan and Kyle?
Stan: [determined] Fine!
Ms. Garrison: What?
Stan: No problems at all!
Ms. Garrison: [angry] That's impossible! [she snatches the egg from Stan's hand and looks it over carefully]
Ms. Garrison: Are you sure you didn't break it and switch eggs on me? Where's my signature?
Stan: It's right there, see? [he leans toward Kyle in fear; Wendy looks away from the action]
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] Two boys can't possibly take care of an egg!
Kyle: Dude, it's totally fine.
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] It isn't fine! It has two daddies! It may be fine on the outside, but inside it's confused and embarrassed! Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies! [taunts the egg directly]
Ms. Garrison: Two daddies! Two daddies! C'mon, class, let's rip on the freak egg! Two daddies! Two daddies!
TV Show: South Park
[Chef bursts in on the Mayor and Officer Barbrady]
Mayor: Why Chef, what a surprise.
Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually, uh...
Mayor: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese mafia.
Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.
Mayor: Why Chef, what a surprise.
Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually, uh...
Mayor: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese mafia.
Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.
TV Show: South Park
[gay and straight protesters get a hearing from the Governor of South Park on gay marriage]
Governor: I believe that I might have come up with a compromise to this whole problem that will make everyone happy! People in the gay community want the same rights as married couples, but dissenters don't want the word "marriage" corrupted. So how about we let gay people get married, but call it something else? [everyone listens quietly]
Governor: You homosexuals will have all the exact same rights as married couples, but, instead of referring to you as "married", you can be... butt buddies. [long silence]
Governor: Instead of being "man and wife", you'll be... butt buddies. You won't be "betrothed", you'll be... [makes quote with his fingers]
Governor: ... butt buddies. Get it? Instead of a "bride and groom", you'd be... [makes quote with his fingers again]
Governor: ... butt buddies.
Mr. Slave: We wanna be treated equally!
Governor: You *are* equal. It's just that, instead of getting engaged, you would be... butt buddies. And everyone is happy!
Woman: [from the lesbian crowd] Well, what about lesbians?
Governor: Well, like anyone cares about fuckin' dykes! [the crowd goes into an uproar]
Governor: [embarrassed] Oh, God, I was sure that would work.
Governor: I believe that I might have come up with a compromise to this whole problem that will make everyone happy! People in the gay community want the same rights as married couples, but dissenters don't want the word "marriage" corrupted. So how about we let gay people get married, but call it something else? [everyone listens quietly]
Governor: You homosexuals will have all the exact same rights as married couples, but, instead of referring to you as "married", you can be... butt buddies. [long silence]
Governor: Instead of being "man and wife", you'll be... butt buddies. You won't be "betrothed", you'll be... [makes quote with his fingers]
Governor: ... butt buddies. Get it? Instead of a "bride and groom", you'd be... [makes quote with his fingers again]
Governor: ... butt buddies.
Mr. Slave: We wanna be treated equally!
Governor: You *are* equal. It's just that, instead of getting engaged, you would be... butt buddies. And everyone is happy!
Woman: [from the lesbian crowd] Well, what about lesbians?
Governor: Well, like anyone cares about fuckin' dykes! [the crowd goes into an uproar]
Governor: [embarrassed] Oh, God, I was sure that would work.
TV Show: South Park
[Jimbo and folks are stuck at Studio, they have to raffle off the next eatable person]
Uncle Jimbob: OK, until now, everyone has picked up a long stick. I will be next. [Jimbo picks up a stick from Barbrady's fist; a tall one]
Uncle Jimbob: Phew! [Mr. Garrison picks up a stick; a tall one]
Mr. Garrison: Phew! [Barbrady opens his fist; another tall one]
Officer Barbrady: Whooof!
Uncle Jimbob: Barbrady, where the hell is the short one?
Officer Barbrady: a What?
Uncle Jimbob: Someone has to get a short stick, so we know, who will lose!
Officer Barbrady: Hmm... I always have played with wrong rules!
Uncle Jimbob: OK, until now, everyone has picked up a long stick. I will be next. [Jimbo picks up a stick from Barbrady's fist; a tall one]
Uncle Jimbob: Phew! [Mr. Garrison picks up a stick; a tall one]
Mr. Garrison: Phew! [Barbrady opens his fist; another tall one]
Officer Barbrady: Whooof!
Uncle Jimbob: Barbrady, where the hell is the short one?
Officer Barbrady: a What?
Uncle Jimbob: Someone has to get a short stick, so we know, who will lose!
Officer Barbrady: Hmm... I always have played with wrong rules!
TV Show: South Park
[Kenny has just reached level 60 on the PSP game]
Kenny: [muffled] Yes! [he dances around in jubilee]
Kenny: [muffled] Woohoo! I did it! I reached level s... [a truck runs him over]
Driver: [playing his PSP] Oh, yeah, level 4, sweet!
Kenny: [muffled] Yes! [he dances around in jubilee]
Kenny: [muffled] Woohoo! I did it! I reached level s... [a truck runs him over]
Driver: [playing his PSP] Oh, yeah, level 4, sweet!
TV Show: South Park
[on the kindergarten class president election]
Mr. Garrison: You can't have an election with just one person running, what's the fun in that? Ike, how about you? You're a genius. [Ike looks at the others glaring at him]
Ike: No.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, our next nominee is Ike the Genius.
Mr. Garrison: You can't have an election with just one person running, what's the fun in that? Ike, how about you? You're a genius. [Ike looks at the others glaring at him]
Ike: No.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, our next nominee is Ike the Genius.
TV Show: South Park
[preaching to the kids]
Cartman: Freinds ay' have to tell you dat last night, Ay' received a phone call from beyond da grave-ah.
Congregation: [collective gasp]
Cartman: It was our departed friend, Kenny, calling from da depths of Hell. And he described what Hell is like in horrid detail-ah. He said dat in Hell, da smell is awful. He said dat in Hell... everyone speaks Spanish.
Congregation: [collective gasp of horror]
Cartman: He said d'er is water in Hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-ah.
Congregation: NO.
Cartman: And perhaps worst of awl... in Hell d'er are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in dem.
Congregation: [collective gasp of horror]
Cartman: Freinds ay' have to tell you dat last night, Ay' received a phone call from beyond da grave-ah.
Congregation: [collective gasp]
Cartman: It was our departed friend, Kenny, calling from da depths of Hell. And he described what Hell is like in horrid detail-ah. He said dat in Hell, da smell is awful. He said dat in Hell... everyone speaks Spanish.
Congregation: [collective gasp of horror]
Cartman: He said d'er is water in Hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-ah.
Congregation: NO.
Cartman: And perhaps worst of awl... in Hell d'er are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in dem.
Congregation: [collective gasp of horror]
TV Show: South Park
[Stan's report on "Asian Culture."]
Stan: Asian culture has plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it.
Stan: Asian culture has plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it.
TV Show: South Park
[the boys are outside building a snowman]
Stan: I have a button we can use for his nose.
Kenny: [Mumbling]
Kyle: What would we use a marble-sack for?
Stan: I have a button we can use for his nose.
Kenny: [Mumbling]
Kyle: What would we use a marble-sack for?
TV Show: South Park