South Park Quotes
Mrs. Crabtree: COME ON! WE'RE RUNNING LATE!
Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said we're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.
Mrs. Crabtree: [calmly] Oh. Alright then. [drives off]
Kyle: Whoa, dude!
Stan: I always wondered if that would work.
Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said we're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.
Mrs. Crabtree: [calmly] Oh. Alright then. [drives off]
Kyle: Whoa, dude!
Stan: I always wondered if that would work.
TV Show: South Park
Chief Running Water: I knew that she wanted me because she kept saying romantic things.
Mrs. Cartman: "Oh Chief, I want your hot man-chowder."
Chief Running Water: Whoah, Hell-o!
Mrs. Cartman: "Oh Chief, I want your hot man-chowder."
Chief Running Water: Whoah, Hell-o!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: More tea, Rumpertumskin?
Rumpertumskin: Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.
Cartman: Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?
Clyde Frog: I think you're a big fat piece of crap.
Cartman: AY!
Rumpertumskin: Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.
Cartman: Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?
Clyde Frog: I think you're a big fat piece of crap.
Cartman: AY!
TV Show: South Park
Chief Running Water: I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans call "bear with wiiiide canyon."
Cartman: Huh?
Chief Running Water: She is "doe who cannot keep legs together."
Cartman: What?
Chief Running Water: Your mom's a slut.
Cartman: Hey!
Cartman: Huh?
Chief Running Water: She is "doe who cannot keep legs together."
Cartman: What?
Chief Running Water: Your mom's a slut.
Cartman: Hey!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I was just hanging out in the SPC, kicking it with some homies on the Westsa-eed-eh.
Kyle: Cartman, you live on the east side!
Kyle: Cartman, you live on the east side!
TV Show: South Park
Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?
Jimbo: Nope. He's gay.
Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Narrator: Is it Jimbo?
Jimbo: Daaagh!
Narrator: Or is it Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: Huh?! Where?!
Narrator: Or could it be Ned?
Ned: Could be.
Narrator: Or Mr. Broflovski?
Kyle: Dad, how could you?!
Narrator: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.
Cartman: What?! Son of a bitch!
Jimbo: Nope. He's gay.
Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Narrator: Is it Jimbo?
Jimbo: Daaagh!
Narrator: Or is it Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: Huh?! Where?!
Narrator: Or could it be Ned?
Ned: Could be.
Narrator: Or Mr. Broflovski?
Kyle: Dad, how could you?!
Narrator: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.
Cartman: What?! Son of a bitch!
TV Show: South Park
Announcer: Since the last South Park, you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage… will not be seen tonight, so that we can bring you the following special presentation.
TV Show: South Park
[Terrance farts]
Phillip: Terrance, you farted in court!
Terrance: Yes Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense!
Phillip: Terrance, you farted in court!
Terrance: Yes Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense!
TV Show: South Park
Scott: Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God! J'accuse, Terrance!
Terrance: Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?
Phillip: Yes please. [Terrance farts]
Terrance: That's called the Monkey Claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys!
Phillip: The Monkey Claw was smelly.
Terrance: Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?
Phillip: Yes please. [Terrance farts]
Terrance: That's called the Monkey Claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys!
Phillip: The Monkey Claw was smelly.
TV Show: South Park
Terrance: Scott really hates us, Phillip.
Phillip: Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.
Terrance: But we're not gay, Phillip.
Phillip: We're not?
Phillip: Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.
Terrance: But we're not gay, Phillip.
Phillip: We're not?
TV Show: South Park
Scott: I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both! [starts waving his arms in front of them; pause]
Phillip: What are you doing, Scott?
Scott: I'm wishing cancer upon you!
Phillip: Cancer?
Scott: That's right! I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind!
Terrance: [hides behind Phillip] Agh! Stop that!
Phillip: Don't give me cancer!
Phillip: What are you doing, Scott?
Scott: I'm wishing cancer upon you!
Phillip: Cancer?
Scott: That's right! I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind!
Terrance: [hides behind Phillip] Agh! Stop that!
Phillip: Don't give me cancer!
TV Show: South Park
Scott: I hate you both and I wish you had cancer!
Phillip: Cancer?
Scott: Yes, in the head.
Terrance: Head cancer?
Scott: This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip! You'll rue this day!
Phillip: Cancer?
Scott: Yes, in the head.
Terrance: Head cancer?
Scott: This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip! You'll rue this day!
TV Show: South Park
Scott: What are you idiots doing?
Terrance: We're searching for treasure!
Scott: Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?
Phillip: No, we're searching for treasure.
Terrance: We're searching for treasure!
Scott: Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?
Phillip: No, we're searching for treasure.
TV Show: South Park
[Kenny appears out of nowhere]
Stan: [blankly, as though Kenny hadn't appeared out of thin air] Oh, hey Kenny.
Stan: [blankly, as though Kenny hadn't appeared out of thin air] Oh, hey Kenny.
TV Show: South Park
Mayor: Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcement officer in this town. What would he do?
TV Show: South Park
Nurse: When was the fetus conceived?
Mrs. Cartman: Eight years ago.
Nurse: So that would make the fetus--
Mrs. Cartman: Eight years old.
Nurse: That places you in what we call the fortieth trimester.
Mrs. Cartman: Eight years ago.
Nurse: So that would make the fetus--
Mrs. Cartman: Eight years old.
Nurse: That places you in what we call the fortieth trimester.
TV Show: South Park
Doctor: Team A will consist of myself, Eric, Stan, Kyle and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny.
TV Show: South Park
Uncle Jimbo: We'll give it until another hour, then... we might have to eat again.
Film Producer: What?! Christ, are you people diabetic or something?
Film Producer: What?! Christ, are you people diabetic or something?
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Wait a minute! [points at his mom/dad] If she's my dad, who's my mom?
Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it Ms. Crabtree, Sheila Broflovski, the Mayor?
Cartman: ARGH, FORGET IT!
Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it Ms. Crabtree, Sheila Broflovski, the Mayor?
Cartman: ARGH, FORGET IT!
TV Show: South Park
[Officer Barbrady, who is at the time illiterate, finds a note saying "another chicken gets it tomorrow." He is then asked what it says]
Officer Barbarady: Oh, it says... "Sorry I had sex with the chicken! I won't do it again, bye-bye!" Well, there you have it, case closed.
Officer Barbarady: Oh, it says... "Sorry I had sex with the chicken! I won't do it again, bye-bye!" Well, there you have it, case closed.
TV Show: South Park
Officer Barbrady: Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of its garbage, and because of this piece of shit, I'm never reading again.
Stan/Kyle: Hooray for Barbrady!
Stan/Kyle: Hooray for Barbrady!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: For my book report, I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: No, I can't say I have.
Cartman: Oh good. In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B-minus.
Mr. Garrison: And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!
Cartman: Goddammit!!
Mr. Garrison: No, I can't say I have.
Cartman: Oh good. In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B-minus.
Mr. Garrison: And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!
Cartman: Goddammit!!
TV Show: South Park
Mayor: The Chickenfucker struck again last night.
Kyle: Oh, no!
Officer Barbrady: Oh Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the "chickenlover."
Mayor's assistant: This time he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken. She's catatonic.
Barbrady: Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?
Kyle: Oh, no!
Officer Barbrady: Oh Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the "chickenlover."
Mayor's assistant: This time he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken. She's catatonic.
Barbrady: Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?
TV Show: South Park
Randy Marsh: Uh yes, officer?
Cartman: I clocked you at 40 mph back there. Do you know what the speed limit is heyah?
Randy: Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 mph.
Cartman: Step out of the car, please, sir.
Randy: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?
Cartman: Sir, step out of the car, please.
Randy: Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
Cartman: Ay! I am a cop, and you will respect my authoritah!
Randy: Yeah, right. You better get back to school, little boy. [Cartman hits Randy's shin] Ow!
Cartman: Get your ass to jail!
Randy: Ow! Hey, what the hell you doing?! You can't do that! Ow! Ow!
Cartman: Sweet.
Cartman: I clocked you at 40 mph back there. Do you know what the speed limit is heyah?
Randy: Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 mph.
Cartman: Step out of the car, please, sir.
Randy: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?
Cartman: Sir, step out of the car, please.
Randy: Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
Cartman: Ay! I am a cop, and you will respect my authoritah!
Randy: Yeah, right. You better get back to school, little boy. [Cartman hits Randy's shin] Ow!
Cartman: Get your ass to jail!
Randy: Ow! Hey, what the hell you doing?! You can't do that! Ow! Ow!
Cartman: Sweet.
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Boo!
Mr. Mackey: Who was that? That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?
Stan: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] I'm sorry Mr Mackey, m'kay.
Mr. Mackey: That's okay. Just don't let it happen again, m'kay.
Kyle: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] We won't let it happen again Mr Mackey, m'kay.
[the boys laugh]
Mr. Mackey: Who was that? That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?
Stan: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] I'm sorry Mr Mackey, m'kay.
Mr. Mackey: That's okay. Just don't let it happen again, m'kay.
Kyle: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] We won't let it happen again Mr Mackey, m'kay.
[the boys laugh]
TV Show: South Park
Dr. Schwartz: We're not going to cut it off! We're just going to snip it to make it bigger!
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about. And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. Except for Cartman.
Stan: Naturally.
Cartman: Screw you guys! I don't wanna be in your crazy penis-chopping family!
Stan: Naturally.
Cartman: Screw you guys! I don't wanna be in your crazy penis-chopping family!
TV Show: South Park
Woman: [after seeing Ike] Oh look honey, someone threw away a perfectly good trash can.
TV Show: South Park