South Park Quotes
[Stan's mother, Sharon, is speaking to Kyle's mother, Sheila, on the phone. In the background, Stan runs around screaming, wielding an icepick]
Sharon Marsh: Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an icepick?
Stan: [screaming] No! I have to get it out!
Sharon Marsh: Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an icepick?
Stan: [screaming] No! I have to get it out!
TV Show: South Park
Nurse Gollum: Well, this may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but you're all a bunch of freaks.
TV Show: South Park
Priest Maxi: Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?
Stan: The what?
Priest Maxi: It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Kyle: Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad needs!
Stan: The what?
Priest Maxi: It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Kyle: Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad needs!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Well, we're gonna go work on getting Kyle's dad an erection. [the boys go up the stairs]
Randy: [resumes] Yes, yes, of course. I've got work to do. [the door closes] What?
Randy: [resumes] Yes, yes, of course. I've got work to do. [the door closes] What?
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Very good, Kyle. Now, who can tell me what famous person wrote the Declaration of Independence? Let's see. Oh, I know. How about the new student, Timmy?
Timmy: Timmiihh!
Mr. Garrison: No, it wasn't you, Timmy.
Timmy: Timmiihh!
Mr. Garrison: No, it wasn't you, Timmy.
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Ready, you guys?
Cartman/Kyle: Ready!
Stan: Okay. Action! [Cartman poses the frog attached to a string on a stick]
Cartman: [mutters] I am the deadly Mexican Staring Frog...of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... and dangerous!
Stan: Cut! Cartman!
Cartman: What?
Stan: It's supposed to be a frog!
Cartman: I know that!
Stan: Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?
Cartman: [thinks] It's a Sri Lanka frog!
Kyle: Der, Cartman!
Cartman: Der yourself, hippie!
Kyle: Just do this again Cartman, and don't make it talk.
Stan: Okay, here we go. Ready? Are you ready, Cartman?
Cartman: I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!
Stan: Action!
Cartman: Screw you guys...
Cartman/Kyle: Ready!
Stan: Okay. Action! [Cartman poses the frog attached to a string on a stick]
Cartman: [mutters] I am the deadly Mexican Staring Frog...of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... and dangerous!
Stan: Cut! Cartman!
Cartman: What?
Stan: It's supposed to be a frog!
Cartman: I know that!
Stan: Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?
Cartman: [thinks] It's a Sri Lanka frog!
Kyle: Der, Cartman!
Cartman: Der yourself, hippie!
Kyle: Just do this again Cartman, and don't make it talk.
Stan: Okay, here we go. Ready? Are you ready, Cartman?
Cartman: I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!
Stan: Action!
Cartman: Screw you guys...
TV Show: South Park
Ms. Crabtree: BE QUIET BACK THERE! THESE ROADS ARE SLICK!
Stan: Hey, Cartman!
Cartman: What?
Stan: Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?
Cartman: [finishes a bite] Hmmm, let me think... No.
Kyle: Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway!
Cartman: Mmm. It's chocolatey and delightful.
Stan: Give us some, Cartman!
Ms. Crabtree: [turns around] BE QUIET BACK THERE!
Kyle: Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there.
Stan: Dude, the road is always snowy.
Kyle: I know, but, it's really snowy today.
Cartman: [now baiting] Mmm. I can't possibly finish this whole cake. Uh, yes I can. [resumes eating]
Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
Ms. Crabtree[slams the brakes on, opens a box, and pulls out a bunny] Okay, that does it. Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies!! [points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts the bunny back in the box and resumes driving]
Stan: Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would.
Kyle: Oh, she would, dude. She would.
[the bus comes to a halt at a road block]
Ms. Crabtree: GOD! [a sign says "Road closed due to avalanche"] OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! [another sign says, "Detour at your own risk." She starts up the bus and takes the detour]
Stan: Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now.
Cartman: [exhausted] I cannot possibly eat one more bite of its chocolatey goodness. Oh, wait, wait, wait, try.
Kyle: Dammit, Cartman, you are such a fat fuck!
Ms. Crabtree: [spins around] W
Stan: Hey, Cartman!
Cartman: What?
Stan: Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?
Cartman: [finishes a bite] Hmmm, let me think... No.
Kyle: Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway!
Cartman: Mmm. It's chocolatey and delightful.
Stan: Give us some, Cartman!
Ms. Crabtree: [turns around] BE QUIET BACK THERE!
Kyle: Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there.
Stan: Dude, the road is always snowy.
Kyle: I know, but, it's really snowy today.
Cartman: [now baiting] Mmm. I can't possibly finish this whole cake. Uh, yes I can. [resumes eating]
Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
Ms. Crabtree[slams the brakes on, opens a box, and pulls out a bunny] Okay, that does it. Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies!! [points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts the bunny back in the box and resumes driving]
Stan: Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would.
Kyle: Oh, she would, dude. She would.
[the bus comes to a halt at a road block]
Ms. Crabtree: GOD! [a sign says "Road closed due to avalanche"] OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! [another sign says, "Detour at your own risk." She starts up the bus and takes the detour]
Stan: Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now.
Cartman: [exhausted] I cannot possibly eat one more bite of its chocolatey goodness. Oh, wait, wait, wait, try.
Kyle: Dammit, Cartman, you are such a fat fuck!
Ms. Crabtree: [spins around] W
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [finished his cake] All gone.
Ms. Crabtree: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! [students groan in pain] I SAID QUIET, OR ELSE I'LL KILL THE BUNNY!! [students notice and are immediately quiet]
Ms. Crabtree: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! [students groan in pain] I SAID QUIET, OR ELSE I'LL KILL THE BUNNY!! [students notice and are immediately quiet]
TV Show: South Park
Mrs. Crabtree: Don't get off the bus or a big scary monster will eat you! [she gets off the bus]
Butters: Hey, why isn't the monster eating her?
Kyle: Because, dumbass, monsters don't eat big fat smelly bitches.
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Kyle: I said "Larry King won't grant me three wishes."
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.
Butters: Hey, why isn't the monster eating her?
Kyle: Because, dumbass, monsters don't eat big fat smelly bitches.
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Kyle: I said "Larry King won't grant me three wishes."
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Hello children, how is your summer going?
Stan: Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison.
Kyle: Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.
Stan: That's good.
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat is just a puppet.
Kyle: Yep.
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat isn't real.
Stan: Right.
Stan: Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison.
Kyle: Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.
Stan: That's good.
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat is just a puppet.
Kyle: Yep.
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat isn't real.
Stan: Right.
TV Show: South Park
[Flashback scene to when the boys were toddlers, and are playing with fireworks. Stan and Kyle set off a little rocket, to their amusement. Kenny is holding a firecracker, and blows his head off.]
Stan: O god kill Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
[Rats converge on baby Kenny's headless corpse.]
Stan: O god kill Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
[Rats converge on baby Kenny's headless corpse.]
TV Show: South Park
[Chef was vacationing on an island while the snake ravaged the country. After blowing the snake up, the townspeople are seen trying to clean up the mess, but as a result of all the ash in the air, it looks like they're all black]
Chef: Okay! Everybody get into line, so I can whoop all yo' asses!
Chef: Okay! Everybody get into line, so I can whoop all yo' asses!
TV Show: South Park
[The snake breaks down Jimbo and Ned's cell wall]
Jimbo: Holy crap, what the hell is that?
Ned: It looks like my ex-wife!
Jimbo: Holy crap, what the hell is that?
Ned: It looks like my ex-wife!
TV Show: South Park
[The boys have called Chef for advice on how to deal with the Ash Snake]
Chef: Giant snake? Killing everybody? Growing bigger? [looks at the women surrounding him] Children, you know I rarely say this but--well--fudge ya. [hangs up, sings] Simultaneous, you and me!
Kyle: What'd he say?
Stan: Dude, I think he told us to go fuck ourselves.
Cartman: Wow!
Kyle: How's that gonna help?
Chef: Giant snake? Killing everybody? Growing bigger? [looks at the women surrounding him] Children, you know I rarely say this but--well--fudge ya. [hangs up, sings] Simultaneous, you and me!
Kyle: What'd he say?
Stan: Dude, I think he told us to go fuck ourselves.
Cartman: Wow!
Kyle: How's that gonna help?
TV Show: South Park
[The boys stop in front of a sign with "Stu's Fireworks" written on it]
Stan: Oh yeah, dude, it's summer. That means we've gotta buy fireworks!
Kyle: I saved up enough money to buy M-80s this year.
Stan: I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.
Kyle: Cool, maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat!
Cartman: Hey! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack and blow your balls all over your pants!
Stan: Jesus, Cartman!
Cartman: [his voice trailing off] Well, I'm just-- seriously now, don't mess with Kitty, now.
Stan: Oh yeah, dude, it's summer. That means we've gotta buy fireworks!
Kyle: I saved up enough money to buy M-80s this year.
Stan: I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.
Kyle: Cool, maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat!
Cartman: Hey! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack and blow your balls all over your pants!
Stan: Jesus, Cartman!
Cartman: [his voice trailing off] Well, I'm just-- seriously now, don't mess with Kitty, now.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Independent films are those black-and-white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
TV Show: South Park
[from one of the independent films]
Cowboy: Hey Tom, you got any pudding?
Tom: You know I'm all out of pudding, silly.
Cowboy: Well, what should we do now?
Tom: Well, how about we explore our sexuality? [they start to make out]
Cowboy: Hey Tom, you got any pudding?
Tom: You know I'm all out of pudding, silly.
Cowboy: Well, what should we do now?
Tom: Well, how about we explore our sexuality? [they start to make out]
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor ass losers like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.
TV Show: South Park
Chef: [singing to advertise his new candy, Chocolate Salty Balls] Hey, everybody, have you seen my balls? They're big and salty and brown! If you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your mouth! Suck on my Salty Chocolate Balls! [high-pitched voice] Put 'em in your mouth! [normal singing voice] Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em! Sucka my balls! Suck 'em sweet!
TV Show: South Park
[Chef has just fed his concoction, Salty Chocolate Balls, to a severely ailing Mr. Hankey]
Chef: My Salty Chocolate Balls must have rejuvenated him!
Kyle: You've got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.
Chef: You damn right.
Chef: My Salty Chocolate Balls must have rejuvenated him!
Kyle: You've got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.
Chef: You damn right.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: That's it, screw you guys, I'm going home.
[pause]
Kyle: Well?
Cartman: I'm gonna, just give me a minute.
[pause]
Kyle: Well?
Cartman: I'm gonna, just give me a minute.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Aw, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?
Stuart: Hey! We don't say fuck at the table, you little asshole!
Cartman: [mumbling] Yeah, we apparently don't say side dishes either.
Stuart: Hey! We don't say fuck at the table, you little asshole!
Cartman: [mumbling] Yeah, we apparently don't say side dishes either.
TV Show: South Park
Shelley: Serves you right, you little brat!
Stan: Well, at least I'm not gonna die from it, which you might! [giggles]
Shelley: If I die from this, I'm taking you with me!
Stan: I don't wanna watch this! I wanna watch Terrance and Phillip!
Shelley: We're watching this!
Stan: Well I got the remote, bitch! [giggles]
Stan: Well, at least I'm not gonna die from it, which you might! [giggles]
Shelley: If I die from this, I'm taking you with me!
Stan: I don't wanna watch this! I wanna watch Terrance and Phillip!
Shelley: We're watching this!
Stan: Well I got the remote, bitch! [giggles]
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Cartman, you remember how we all spent the night at Kenny's a couple of days ago?
Cartman: I remember frozen waffles with no side dishes.
Stan: Cartman, our parents sent us over to catch chickenpox from Kenny.
Kyle: Yeah, dude, your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face.
Cartman: She what?!
Stan: It's some kind of parental conspiracy. Our parents are trying to kill us or something.
Cartman: That bitch! I'm gonna go downstairs and kick her square in the nuts!
Kyle: No, no, no. Come on fat-ass, we're gonna get them all back.
Cartman: I remember frozen waffles with no side dishes.
Stan: Cartman, our parents sent us over to catch chickenpox from Kenny.
Kyle: Yeah, dude, your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face.
Cartman: She what?!
Stan: It's some kind of parental conspiracy. Our parents are trying to kill us or something.
Cartman: That bitch! I'm gonna go downstairs and kick her square in the nuts!
Kyle: No, no, no. Come on fat-ass, we're gonna get them all back.
TV Show: South Park
Randy Marsh: You do not say "big silly goose," you call him an asshole like a normal kid!
Stan: All right, fine! [to Cartman] Asshole.
Randy: That's better.
Cartman: Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch!
Stan: All right, fine! [to Cartman] Asshole.
Randy: That's better.
Cartman: Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch!
TV Show: South Park