South Park Quotes
Gerald: [reading] "'My Final Solution' by Kyle Broflovski. My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods so my idea to make America better will go ahead and I can put all the poor people into camps." WHAT!? "If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people, and there won't be any hunger, poverty or homeless people, 'cause they'll all be dead. The End." Oh God, what have I done?
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Well, what a day this has been. I was on TV and I'm a hero. [Cartman's mother appears after picking his nose]
Liane: Don't pick your nose, hon.
Cartman: GODDAMMIT, MOM, I WASN'T PICKING IT! I HAD AN ITCH!!
Liane: Don't pick your nose, hon.
Cartman: GODDAMMIT, MOM, I WASN'T PICKING IT! I HAD AN ITCH!!
TV Show: South Park
Roy: Stan, you wanna help me cut some firewood?
Stan: We cut firewood all day yesterday; we've got enough firewood for twelve years!
Roy: [tormented] When will you let me in? When will you let me love you? [normal] Now get your ass down here and help me!
Stan: We cut firewood all day yesterday; we've got enough firewood for twelve years!
Roy: [tormented] When will you let me in? When will you let me love you? [normal] Now get your ass down here and help me!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: You suck, Cartman! If you want to play America vs. Bosnia anymore, you can just play with yourself!
Cartman: That's fine! I like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long!
[Kenny laughs]
Cartman: What?
Cartman: That's fine! I like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long!
[Kenny laughs]
Cartman: What?
TV Show: South Park
Sharon Marsh: What are you doing, sweetheart?
Stan: Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and--
Sharon: You men are all alike. First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress, and then it's the way I cook. I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your space and that I'm sabotaging your creativity. Go ahead, Stanley, get your goddamn cookie!
[she leaves]
Stan: Okay.
Stan: Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and--
Sharon: You men are all alike. First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress, and then it's the way I cook. I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your space and that I'm sabotaging your creativity. Go ahead, Stanley, get your goddamn cookie!
[she leaves]
Stan: Okay.
TV Show: South Park
Wendy: Kiss Bebe on the lips.
Kyle: What? I'm not kissing a girl!
Stan: Go on, just close your eyes.
[Kyle hesitates, then relaxes. Bebe moves forward and plants a kiss on his lips]
Kyle: Sick, bitch! Fucking sickening! [Kyle runs out of the treehouse, Bebe stares]
Bebe: Wow, look at that ass! Shake it, baby!!
Kyle: What? I'm not kissing a girl!
Stan: Go on, just close your eyes.
[Kyle hesitates, then relaxes. Bebe moves forward and plants a kiss on his lips]
Kyle: Sick, bitch! Fucking sickening! [Kyle runs out of the treehouse, Bebe stares]
Bebe: Wow, look at that ass! Shake it, baby!!
TV Show: South Park
[Bebe tries to pass a note to Kyle from across the room]
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, are you passing notes to Kyle?
Stan: No, I just--
Mr. Garrison: Don't lie! Lying makes you sterile!
Stan: I'm not lying! Someone just handed me--
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, if you think it's so important to keep interrupting my class, why don't you just come up front and read your note to Kyle for everyone to hear.
Stan: But I didn't write the note!
Cartman: Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having an adverse effect on my education.
Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, you come up here right now and read your note!
Stan: "Dear Kyle, you have got such a great ass. I could sleep for days on those pert cheeks, let me tell you. I'd like to live with you and wear your ass as a hat for all eternity." Whoa, dude!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, are you passing notes to Kyle?
Stan: No, I just--
Mr. Garrison: Don't lie! Lying makes you sterile!
Stan: I'm not lying! Someone just handed me--
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, if you think it's so important to keep interrupting my class, why don't you just come up front and read your note to Kyle for everyone to hear.
Stan: But I didn't write the note!
Cartman: Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having an adverse effect on my education.
Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, you come up here right now and read your note!
Stan: "Dear Kyle, you have got such a great ass. I could sleep for days on those pert cheeks, let me tell you. I'd like to live with you and wear your ass as a hat for all eternity." Whoa, dude!
TV Show: South Park
Jimmy: Sometimes it's like, "Please Timmy, learn a new word," huh, huh. [imitates Timmy] "Timmy!"
Timmy: [angry] Aahhh!
Jimmy: [continues impression] I'm living a lie, I'm living a lie, Timmy!
Timmy: [angry] Aahhh!
Jimmy: [continues impression] I'm living a lie, I'm living a lie, Timmy!
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Mackey: School is a time for learning, not for immature skylarkings.
Stan: What's a skylarking?
Mr. Mackey: You know, like tomfooleries.
Stan: Who?
Mr. Mackey: Your parents are here for you--
[Stan's parents enter]
Mr. Mackey: Thank you for coming on such short notice. I was just disciplining your son for his skylarkings.
Mr. Marsh: Stanley, I... Skylarkings?
Stan: What's a skylarking?
Mr. Mackey: You know, like tomfooleries.
Stan: Who?
Mr. Mackey: Your parents are here for you--
[Stan's parents enter]
Mr. Mackey: Thank you for coming on such short notice. I was just disciplining your son for his skylarkings.
Mr. Marsh: Stanley, I... Skylarkings?
TV Show: South Park
[the boys have decided to enter him into a bullriding contest]
Cartman: What makes you think "Cartman rides a bull?"
Kyle: [grabbing him by the collar and talking through gritted teeth] Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides, fatass! Now either you ride this bull or I'm gonna rip your fucking head open!
Cartman: What makes you think "Cartman rides a bull?"
Kyle: [grabbing him by the collar and talking through gritted teeth] Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides, fatass! Now either you ride this bull or I'm gonna rip your fucking head open!
TV Show: South Park
Chef: Two million dollars?! The only way I can raise that kind of money is by whorin' myself to every woman in town!
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Wow! Elton John's house is bigger than Cartman's ass!
Cartman: No it isn't, you guys.
Cartman: No it isn't, you guys.
TV Show: South Park
Randy Marsh: Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts for years.
Stan: Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. [everyone laughs]
Cartman: That's not funny! Jesus Christ!
Stan: Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. [everyone laughs]
Cartman: That's not funny! Jesus Christ!
TV Show: South Park
Johnnie Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it: That does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, [approaches and softens] does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.
TV Show: South Park
Johnnie Cochran: Look at the monkey! Look at the silly monkey! [jury member's head explodes]
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Dude, why is your store called the Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?
Shop Owner: Well, there was an Indian burial ground here before I bought it.
Stan: So you just built your store on top of an Indian burial ground?
Shop Owner: Hell no! I dug up all the bodies, pissed on them, and then buried them again upside-down.
Kyle: Why?
Shop Owner: Why? I don't know why, I was drunk!
Shop Owner: Well, there was an Indian burial ground here before I bought it.
Stan: So you just built your store on top of an Indian burial ground?
Shop Owner: Hell no! I dug up all the bodies, pissed on them, and then buried them again upside-down.
Kyle: Why?
Shop Owner: Why? I don't know why, I was drunk!
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Did you get the pumpkin, Kenny?
Kenny: Uh-huh. [puts a squash on the table]
Cartman: What the fuck is that?
Kenny: It's all I could afford!
Kenny: Uh-huh. [puts a squash on the table]
Cartman: What the fuck is that?
Kenny: It's all I could afford!
TV Show: South Park
Evil Cartman: [singing]You guys are my best friendsThrough thick and thin, we've always been togetherFour of kind, having fun all dayPallin' around, and laughing awayJust best friends, best friends are we! I love you, guys.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [singing] You guys are hella-stupid, you guys are hella-lame, you guys are hella-dumb, hella, hella, hella!
Kyle: Dammit!
Kyle: Dammit!
TV Show: South Park
Reporter: This is Robert Pooner reporting live from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie Manson has walled himself up in a house. We understand that there are hostages and that the situation is critical, so we would like to remind you all that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block. If it ain't Palmoral, you're gonna get cancer.
TV Show: South Park
George Bailey: You can't go around buying people off, Mr. Potter. Do you know what you are? You're a little bitch. That's right, you're a bitch and I bet you'd like to suck it, now wouldn't you?
TV Show: South Park
Underpants Gnome: Phase one: collect underpants. Phase two: [silence] Phase three: profit!
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Tweek: Mr. Postum, you have a lot to learn about making coffee.
Mr. Postum: And you don't? Your coffee tastes like 3 day-old moldy diarrhea!
Mr. Postum: And you don't? Your coffee tastes like 3 day-old moldy diarrhea!
TV Show: South Park
[Tweek is worried about his family becoming poor]
Cartman: You can always go on welfare. Just look at Kenny's family, they're perfectly happy being poor and they're on welfare. Right, Kenny?
Kenny: Fuck you!
Cartman: Heh-heh, you suck, Kenny.
Cartman: You can always go on welfare. Just look at Kenny's family, they're perfectly happy being poor and they're on welfare. Right, Kenny?
Kenny: Fuck you!
Cartman: Heh-heh, you suck, Kenny.
TV Show: South Park
[An Underpants Gnomes' cart has just flattened Kenny]
Stan: [rushed and monotone] Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
Kyle: [same tone] You bastards. [to the Underpants Gnome] Listen, we have to give a huge speech tomorrow about corporate takeovers!
Underpants Gnome: Holy shit, we killed your friend!
Stan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, we gotta know about corporate takeovers tomorrow or we're screwed!
Underpants Gnome: Christ, we squished him like a bug!
Stan: [rushed and monotone] Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
Kyle: [same tone] You bastards. [to the Underpants Gnome] Listen, we have to give a huge speech tomorrow about corporate takeovers!
Underpants Gnome: Holy shit, we killed your friend!
Stan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, we gotta know about corporate takeovers tomorrow or we're screwed!
Underpants Gnome: Christ, we squished him like a bug!
TV Show: South Park
Gnome: Not much longer now....
Cartman: Oh? You're taking us to your little pussy house?
Gnome: No pussy! I'm taking you to my village!
Cartman: Oh? Your pussy village?
Stan: Cartman will you just shut up and let him show us?
Cartman: Oh? You're taking us to your little pussy house?
Gnome: No pussy! I'm taking you to my village!
Cartman: Oh? Your pussy village?
Stan: Cartman will you just shut up and let him show us?
TV Show: South Park