South Park Quotes
Moses: And let us glue paper plates together with beans inside so when you shake them they make rattling noises.
Rabbi: Paper plate bean shakers, of course!
Moses: And let us put patterns of glue on the outside and glitter so they look all nice and sparkly.
Rabbi: Paper plate bean shakers, of course!
Moses: And let us put patterns of glue on the outside and glitter so they look all nice and sparkly.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, I want it quiet! [the class is quiet] Now, we're gonna try this again until we get it right! What is six times three?
Stan: Juuhachi desu ka?
Class: Juuhachi da nee!
Mr. Garrison: No, goddamn it, it's eighteen!!
Stan: Juuhachi is eighteen, Garrison-san.
Mr. Garrison: For the last time, my name is not Garrison-san, all right?! And this is not Hat-san! And you all better start talking in a manner that I can understand!
Cartman: Ooh, Garrison-san sabuchii dana.
Mr. Garrison: What did he say?!
Stan: He said, "Garrison-san sabuchii da naa."
Class: Soo desu nee!
Mr. Garrison: Dammit, this is not Japan!
Cartman: Minata! Kite kite, churi-- [farts. The class laughs]
Wendy: Dare ga pu shita no.
Mr. Garrison: Arrgghhh!!
Stan: Juuhachi desu ka?
Class: Juuhachi da nee!
Mr. Garrison: No, goddamn it, it's eighteen!!
Stan: Juuhachi is eighteen, Garrison-san.
Mr. Garrison: For the last time, my name is not Garrison-san, all right?! And this is not Hat-san! And you all better start talking in a manner that I can understand!
Cartman: Ooh, Garrison-san sabuchii dana.
Mr. Garrison: What did he say?!
Stan: He said, "Garrison-san sabuchii da naa."
Class: Soo desu nee!
Mr. Garrison: Dammit, this is not Japan!
Cartman: Minata! Kite kite, churi-- [farts. The class laughs]
Wendy: Dare ga pu shita no.
Mr. Garrison: Arrgghhh!!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: This is great!
Cartman: Yeah, but where's that crappy song coming from? Could you turn that off?
[Marvin turns off theme music]
Stan: Yeah, that's better.
Cartman: Yeah, but where's that crappy song coming from? Could you turn that off?
[Marvin turns off theme music]
Stan: Yeah, that's better.
TV Show: South Park
Missionary: An alien race? Have they heard the word of Christ?
Cartman: No, never! It's perfect!
Cartman: No, never! It's perfect!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Isn't the name of your planet already Marklar?
Chief-Marklar: We on Marklar call all things, people and places Marklar.
Kyle: Isn't that totally confusing?
Chief-Marklar: No, not at all. Hey! Marklar!
A Marklar in the crowd: Yes?
Chief-Marklar: See!
Chief-Marklar: We on Marklar call all things, people and places Marklar.
Kyle: Isn't that totally confusing?
Chief-Marklar: No, not at all. Hey! Marklar!
A Marklar in the crowd: Yes?
Chief-Marklar: See!
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Wait, I think I can explain this whole thing. Marklar, these marklars want to change your marklar. They don't want this marklar or any of these marklars to live here because it's bad for their marklar. They use marklars to try and force marklars to believe their marklars. If you let them stay here, they will build marklars and marklars. They will take all your marklars and replace them with marklar. These marklars have no good marklar to live on marklar so they must come here to marklar. Please, let these marklars stay where they can grow and prosper without any marklars, marklars, or marklars.
Chief-Marklar: [slight pause; the humans look confused] Young one, your marklars are wise and true.
Chief-Marklar: [slight pause; the humans look confused] Young one, your marklars are wise and true.
TV Show: South Park
Radio Announcer: How do you feel about the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?
Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.
Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Hey you guys! You know what time of year it is?
Kyle: Of course, dumbass, it's Halloween.
Cartman: That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! [singing]You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...
Stan: Christmas?
Cartman: ...Christmastime is presents for me.
Kyle: Of course, dumbass, it's Halloween.
Cartman: That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! [singing]You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...
Stan: Christmas?
Cartman: ...Christmastime is presents for me.
TV Show: South Park
Guide: Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. [pulls out a blindfold and puts it over Cartman's eyes] I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab. [leads him to a table on which is a bowl of eggs and a bowl of Jell-o cubes]
Cartman: Cool!
Dr. Spookalot: Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.
Cartman: [rolls his fingers around the eggs] Ew-ho-ho.
Dr. Spookalot: [switches bowls] And here you can feel the brains.
Cartman: [rolls his fingers through the Jell-o cubes] Oh-ho, gross.
Dr. Spookalot: [leads him to a donkey] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body. [Cartman reaches into the donkey's anus and the donkey looks surprised]
Cartman: Ew, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!
Cartman: Cool!
Dr. Spookalot: Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.
Cartman: [rolls his fingers around the eggs] Ew-ho-ho.
Dr. Spookalot: [switches bowls] And here you can feel the brains.
Cartman: [rolls his fingers through the Jell-o cubes] Oh-ho, gross.
Dr. Spookalot: [leads him to a donkey] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body. [Cartman reaches into the donkey's anus and the donkey looks surprised]
Cartman: Ew, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: [walks up with Kyle and Kenny] Come on, fatass, we have to go!
Cartman: Ey! Don't call me fat! [Mrs. Cartman giggles] Mom, don't laugh.
Mrs. Cartman: I'm sorry, hon.
Cartman: [to his friends] I can't go with you guys right now.
Stan: Yes you can, Porky. [Mrs. Cartman giggles again]
Cartman: Mom, seriously! [her giggles die down]
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.
Kyle: He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]
Cartman: Goddammit, Mom!
Cartman: Ey! Don't call me fat! [Mrs. Cartman giggles] Mom, don't laugh.
Mrs. Cartman: I'm sorry, hon.
Cartman: [to his friends] I can't go with you guys right now.
Stan: Yes you can, Porky. [Mrs. Cartman giggles again]
Cartman: Mom, seriously! [her giggles die down]
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.
Kyle: He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]
Cartman: Goddammit, Mom!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: OK. It's almost open. Ready? 1, 2, 3! [they pry the door open, and then jump back and peer in] Whoa, dude.
Kyle: Oh, my God. [the corpse sways to the right, against the casket wall] Hi, Grandma.
Voice: Hi, Kyle.
Kyle: [hops back] Aaaah!
Cartman: [providing the voice] Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?
Kyle: Dammit, Cartman, that's not funny!
Stan: [chuckling] Eheh, yes it is.
Kyle: Oh, my God. [the corpse sways to the right, against the casket wall] Hi, Grandma.
Voice: Hi, Kyle.
Kyle: [hops back] Aaaah!
Cartman: [providing the voice] Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?
Kyle: Dammit, Cartman, that's not funny!
Stan: [chuckling] Eheh, yes it is.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: We could shove a stick up her ass and use her like a puppet: "Rowr, rowr, I'm Scary Grandma!"
TV Show: South Park
Sheila: Dug her up? Why?
Brunet: Well. The most likely reason is that somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.
Blond: Yep.
Sheila: What?!
Brunet: Uh-huh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.
Blond: Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.
Sheila: Oh, dear God!
Brunet: Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.
Sheila: [sadly rubs her eyes] Oooh.
Blond: Now, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.
Sheila: Ooooh!
Brunet: Yes. And, now for the difficult part.
Blond: Brace yourself.
Brunet: It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like an overloved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably--
Sheila: Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're gonna do about it!
Brunet: Do?
Blond: Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.
Brunet: Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might wanna call the police or something.
Brunet: Well. The most likely reason is that somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.
Blond: Yep.
Sheila: What?!
Brunet: Uh-huh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.
Blond: Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.
Sheila: Oh, dear God!
Brunet: Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.
Sheila: [sadly rubs her eyes] Oooh.
Blond: Now, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.
Sheila: Ooooh!
Brunet: Yes. And, now for the difficult part.
Blond: Brace yourself.
Brunet: It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like an overloved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably--
Sheila: Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're gonna do about it!
Brunet: Do?
Blond: Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.
Brunet: Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might wanna call the police or something.
TV Show: South Park
Jonathan Davis: All right, gang. We have to split up and look for clues.
Stan: How do we split up?
Jonathan: I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way. And everyone whose insecurity sabotages their potential to overcome these obstacles go that way.
All of Korn: Okay!
Kyle: [joined the first group] Wow! That was easy!
Stan: How do we split up?
Jonathan: I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way. And everyone whose insecurity sabotages their potential to overcome these obstacles go that way.
All of Korn: Okay!
Kyle: [joined the first group] Wow! That was easy!
TV Show: South Park
Mayor: Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman. [a happy Cartman comes to the stand] Alright Eric, here's your word: chair. Chair. [Cartman looks at Fonics Monkey, only to wave in response]
Cartman: [whispers] Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum..! [Fonics Monkey looks at left, but no response] Come on..! [Fonics Monkey starts to masturbate]
Mayor: Eric, your word is chair.
Cartman: Uh... Definition?
Mayor: "Something you sit on."
Cartman: Country of origin?
Mayor: English!
Cartman: Could you please use it in a sentence?
Mayor: Oh, for Christ's sake, kid, the word is chair!
Cartman: Um... Chair... C..h..a..r-e. [buzz] Goddammit, how come I get the hard one?! Get over here, you son-of-a-bitch Fonics Monkey!!
Cartman: [whispers] Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum..! [Fonics Monkey looks at left, but no response] Come on..! [Fonics Monkey starts to masturbate]
Mayor: Eric, your word is chair.
Cartman: Uh... Definition?
Mayor: "Something you sit on."
Cartman: Country of origin?
Mayor: English!
Cartman: Could you please use it in a sentence?
Mayor: Oh, for Christ's sake, kid, the word is chair!
Cartman: Um... Chair... C..h..a..r-e. [buzz] Goddammit, how come I get the hard one?! Get over here, you son-of-a-bitch Fonics Monkey!!
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: You got my note?
Rebecca: Uh huh, of course. You taped it to my dog; how could I not see it?
Kyle: Can we sit down?
Rebecca: Why not? Isn't Papa's garden beautiful? He works so hard on it.
Kyle: Rebecca, don't you ever look at the town? At that flicker of light over there?
Rebecca: I have looked at it.
Kyle: Well, that's a public school. And in it, there are children, just like us.
Rebecca: How can children go to school on a flicker of light?
Kyle: From public school, your house is just a flicker of light. Don't you want to go out? All you do is stay in your house and study.
Rebecca: What else would one do?
Kyle: Love, for one thing.
Rebecca: And what is love?
Kyle: Love...is the most important thing on Earth. When boys and girls feel love, they kiss.
Rebecca: What means kiss?
Kyle: When a man and a woman feel...love, they put their lips together.
Rebecca: Oh, you mean a mate. When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me.
Kyle: Rebecca, in public school, we select our own mate. In public school, men and women get together, make each other happy.
Rebecca: You certainly come from a strange place. Still, I would like to try this...kiss. [Kyle turns around, relieved] So I can write about it. [Kyle comes and sits down next to her again] So how do we do it?
Kyle: I'm not completely sure.
Rebecca: Perhaps we should look it up.
Kyle: No, I think it's something we should try a few times... [leans in closer] until we get it... [leans even closer] right... [they lean in and kiss quickly]
Rebecca: Wow...wow, that was fun... [grabs Kyle and kisses him again, though more passionately]
Rebecca: Uh huh, of course. You taped it to my dog; how could I not see it?
Kyle: Can we sit down?
Rebecca: Why not? Isn't Papa's garden beautiful? He works so hard on it.
Kyle: Rebecca, don't you ever look at the town? At that flicker of light over there?
Rebecca: I have looked at it.
Kyle: Well, that's a public school. And in it, there are children, just like us.
Rebecca: How can children go to school on a flicker of light?
Kyle: From public school, your house is just a flicker of light. Don't you want to go out? All you do is stay in your house and study.
Rebecca: What else would one do?
Kyle: Love, for one thing.
Rebecca: And what is love?
Kyle: Love...is the most important thing on Earth. When boys and girls feel love, they kiss.
Rebecca: What means kiss?
Kyle: When a man and a woman feel...love, they put their lips together.
Rebecca: Oh, you mean a mate. When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me.
Kyle: Rebecca, in public school, we select our own mate. In public school, men and women get together, make each other happy.
Rebecca: You certainly come from a strange place. Still, I would like to try this...kiss. [Kyle turns around, relieved] So I can write about it. [Kyle comes and sits down next to her again] So how do we do it?
Kyle: I'm not completely sure.
Rebecca: Perhaps we should look it up.
Kyle: No, I think it's something we should try a few times... [leans in closer] until we get it... [leans even closer] right... [they lean in and kiss quickly]
Rebecca: Wow...wow, that was fun... [grabs Kyle and kisses him again, though more passionately]
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [singing] Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay. But I'm not gonna play with it 'cause dreidel's friggin' gay.
TV Show: South Park
Rod Stewart: Poo pants.
Jesus: What?
Rod Stewart: Poo pants.
Jesus: Poo pants?
Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.
Jesus: Y-you pooped your pants?
Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.
Jesus: Oh. Uh, nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants.
Nurse: Again? Now Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?
Jesus: What?
Rod Stewart: Poo pants.
Jesus: Poo pants?
Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.
Jesus: Y-you pooped your pants?
Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.
Jesus: Oh. Uh, nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants.
Nurse: Again? Now Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?
TV Show: South Park
Randy: [taken aback] That's God?
Jesus: Yea, 'tis my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega.
[A snake's tongue lashes out from God's mouth]
Jesus: The Beginning and the End.
Mr. Garrison: Well, yeah, but that?
God: What did you expect me to look like, my son?
Mr. Garrison: [thinks for a moment] Well not like that!
Jesus: Yea, 'tis my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega.
[A snake's tongue lashes out from God's mouth]
Jesus: The Beginning and the End.
Mr. Garrison: Well, yeah, but that?
God: What did you expect me to look like, my son?
Mr. Garrison: [thinks for a moment] Well not like that!
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Alright. Would you have sex with your son to save his life? [the others ponder the question]
Patron 2: Oh, this is one of them Scruples questions, ain't it?
Patron 1: No, no, I got a better one: Would you have sex with your mother to save your father's life?
Patrons: [wondering] Wooo, yeah.
Patron 2: Oh, like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'll shoot him"?
Patron 1: Yeah.
Patron 2: Oh, that's a tough one.
Patron 3: Hmmm.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: No no wait, uh, you don't understand.
Blond: How about if someone made you have sex with your mother and father to save your own life?
Patrons: No, no, no way. No.
Patron 6: But if it was to save my mother's life, uh-I think I would have to have sex with my father.
Patron 7: Yeup.
Patron 8: Me, too.
Patron 9: Well, I think that goes without saying.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Well actually, I'm just...talking about a son.
Patron 8: Well, personally, I would have sex with my son to save to save my mother's life. It depends, uh- how big a gun are we talkin' here?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, he doesn't have a gun.
Blond: The father doesn't have a gun?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: No! Nobody's got a gun!
Patron 3: I think if someone said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'm gonna kill your son," but he didn't have a gun, I wouldn't do it.
Patron 2: He could have a knife, though.
Patron 1: Yeah.
Patron 3: Sure.
Patron 1: Yeah, a knife.
Bartender: If a killer put a knife to my throat, and said, "Have sex with your father or else I'm gonna kill your mother while having sex with you," I would ha
Patron 2: Oh, this is one of them Scruples questions, ain't it?
Patron 1: No, no, I got a better one: Would you have sex with your mother to save your father's life?
Patrons: [wondering] Wooo, yeah.
Patron 2: Oh, like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'll shoot him"?
Patron 1: Yeah.
Patron 2: Oh, that's a tough one.
Patron 3: Hmmm.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: No no wait, uh, you don't understand.
Blond: How about if someone made you have sex with your mother and father to save your own life?
Patrons: No, no, no way. No.
Patron 6: But if it was to save my mother's life, uh-I think I would have to have sex with my father.
Patron 7: Yeup.
Patron 8: Me, too.
Patron 9: Well, I think that goes without saying.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Well actually, I'm just...talking about a son.
Patron 8: Well, personally, I would have sex with my son to save to save my mother's life. It depends, uh- how big a gun are we talkin' here?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, he doesn't have a gun.
Blond: The father doesn't have a gun?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: No! Nobody's got a gun!
Patron 3: I think if someone said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'm gonna kill your son," but he didn't have a gun, I wouldn't do it.
Patron 2: He could have a knife, though.
Patron 1: Yeah.
Patron 3: Sure.
Patron 1: Yeah, a knife.
Bartender: If a killer put a knife to my throat, and said, "Have sex with your father or else I'm gonna kill your mother while having sex with you," I would ha
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Hmm. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Hmm, let's see.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Do not wake up till morning, or I will kick you in the nuts. Aww, in the nuts.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: T-Tooth? What the hell? Mom!
Liane: Yes, Eric.
Cartman: You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring me money last night! Call the police!
Liane: Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. Mommy has something to tell you. It's just that...well... There is no tooth fairy, Eric. I've been putting all that money under your pillow, and because you had so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a month.
Cartman: You almost had me for a second there, Mom, heh. "There's no tooth fairy." I suppose you're gonna tell me there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either, heh-heh. M-Mom?
Liane: I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out sooner or later.
Cartman: Y-you're serious here. There really is no tooth fairy?
Liane: No, honey. It's just--
Cartman: How could--? How could you lie to me, Mother? Lie right to my face?
Liane: Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a child.
Cartman: How can I trust you? How can I trust anyone ever again, Mother? I guess, uh to make it through this life, I can only trust myself.
Liane: Yes, Eric.
Cartman: You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring me money last night! Call the police!
Liane: Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. Mommy has something to tell you. It's just that...well... There is no tooth fairy, Eric. I've been putting all that money under your pillow, and because you had so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a month.
Cartman: You almost had me for a second there, Mom, heh. "There's no tooth fairy." I suppose you're gonna tell me there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either, heh-heh. M-Mom?
Liane: I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out sooner or later.
Cartman: Y-you're serious here. There really is no tooth fairy?
Liane: No, honey. It's just--
Cartman: How could--? How could you lie to me, Mother? Lie right to my face?
Liane: Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a child.
Cartman: How can I trust you? How can I trust anyone ever again, Mother? I guess, uh to make it through this life, I can only trust myself.
TV Show: South Park
Gerald: Oh, hello, son.
Kyle: Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?
Gerald: What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little talk.
Kyle: Oh my God! You did lie to me!
Gerald: No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like Peter Pan.
Kyle: Peter Pan, too?
Gerald: Kyle--
Kyle: What about Moses and Abraham?
Gerald: Well, they were probably real.
Kyle: Probably? Is Atlantis real?
Gerald: Probably not.
Kyle: Wa-ha-ha-hah!
Gerald: Look, Kyle, adults make up those things because they're fun for children.
Kyle: Fun for children? Fun for children? Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's real anymore! Wagghh!
Kyle: Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?
Gerald: What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little talk.
Kyle: Oh my God! You did lie to me!
Gerald: No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like Peter Pan.
Kyle: Peter Pan, too?
Gerald: Kyle--
Kyle: What about Moses and Abraham?
Gerald: Well, they were probably real.
Kyle: Probably? Is Atlantis real?
Gerald: Probably not.
Kyle: Wa-ha-ha-hah!
Gerald: Look, Kyle, adults make up those things because they're fun for children.
Kyle: Fun for children? Fun for children? Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's real anymore! Wagghh!
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: All right, let's go.
Timmy: Go! Timm-ay! [shoots off on his wheelchair, pulling Kenny's tooth (which isn't loose) hard]
Kenny: [howls; he is pulled out of his parka] Aargh!
Cartman: [laughs] Look, guys! I can see Kenny's little pingling!
Timmy: Go! Timm-ay! [shoots off on his wheelchair, pulling Kenny's tooth (which isn't loose) hard]
Kenny: [howls; he is pulled out of his parka] Aargh!
Cartman: [laughs] Look, guys! I can see Kenny's little pingling!
TV Show: South Park
Announcer of the ADA: Fellow dentists! As you all know, we are still having numerous reports of missing teeth from all over the country. There are also reports of missing tooth-fairy money. We believe that there can be only one logical reason for all of this: A giant half-chicken, half-squirrel, that steals either teeth or money from children as they sleep in order to build some kind of giant nest, for genetically superior and potentially dangerous offspring. We believe also, that the creature would have at least a mild understanding of algebra, and that it...
Dr Foley: Excuse me, I think I have a more logical theory!
Announcer: Well, by all means, Mr Foley, enlighten us!
Dr Foley: I think what we've got here is some kind of black-market tooth racket. Something where one group is stealing the money and teeth from another group for a profit!
Announcer: [all laughing] Oh, Mr Foley! You realize how ridiculous that sounds?
Dr Foley: It's not ridiculous, it's very possible. I've seen it happen before!
Announcer: Where?
Dr Foley: In Montreal.
Announcer: [more laughing] And where, pray, is this "Montreal"?
Dr Foley: Look, I know how to handle this. All we have to do is bring down the kingpin and the rest will fall. You'll see! I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks!
Announcer: Very well, Mr Foley! You go on your wild goose chase, and meanwhile we'll deal with the real problems at hand.
Dr Foley: I will! [leaves]
Announcer: Ha ha ha! Anyway, the half-chicken, half-squirrel would most likely be about 3-4.5 feet tall. His large beak is probably detachable, and works as a floatation device.
Dr Foley: Excuse me, I think I have a more logical theory!
Announcer: Well, by all means, Mr Foley, enlighten us!
Dr Foley: I think what we've got here is some kind of black-market tooth racket. Something where one group is stealing the money and teeth from another group for a profit!
Announcer: [all laughing] Oh, Mr Foley! You realize how ridiculous that sounds?
Dr Foley: It's not ridiculous, it's very possible. I've seen it happen before!
Announcer: Where?
Dr Foley: In Montreal.
Announcer: [more laughing] And where, pray, is this "Montreal"?
Dr Foley: Look, I know how to handle this. All we have to do is bring down the kingpin and the rest will fall. You'll see! I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks!
Announcer: Very well, Mr Foley! You go on your wild goose chase, and meanwhile we'll deal with the real problems at hand.
Dr Foley: I will! [leaves]
Announcer: Ha ha ha! Anyway, the half-chicken, half-squirrel would most likely be about 3-4.5 feet tall. His large beak is probably detachable, and works as a floatation device.
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: But you know, I've learned something today: You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.
Cartman: [long pause] Tits.
Cartman: [long pause] Tits.
TV Show: South Park
Pip: Let's hear it for Cartman's big fat ass!
[Cartman throws stone at Pip, who is struck and falls.]
Cartman: Do British people count as an ethnicity for hate crimes?
Others: Nah.
Cartman: Sweet.
[Cartman throws stone at Pip, who is struck and falls.]
Cartman: Do British people count as an ethnicity for hate crimes?
Others: Nah.
Cartman: Sweet.
TV Show: South Park