SpongeBob SquarePants Quotes
SpongeBob: It should be against the law to have to write an essay on such a super, sailor-ific, sunshine-y day.
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
[SpongeBob is ashamed about stealing the box and angering Patrick]
SpongeBob: [tearfully] I feel so filthy! I have soiled our friendship garden! I just couldn't help myself! [clinging to Patrick's leg from the rear] I know it's your secret, I promise to respect that! Oh, please forgive me, Patrick, please!
Patrick: Well...I guess it's not all your fault. After all, this is a pretty great secret.
SpongeBob: [tearfully] I feel so filthy! I have soiled our friendship garden! I just couldn't help myself! [clinging to Patrick's leg from the rear] I know it's your secret, I promise to respect that! Oh, please forgive me, Patrick, please!
Patrick: Well...I guess it's not all your fault. After all, this is a pretty great secret.
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob: That's it! How do you look in a secret box? Secretly, of course! I'll just take the box while Patrick is sleeping, look in that box and give it back before Patrick wakes up. Patrick will never know and I'll have my own secret too. Good idea, eh, Gary?
Gary: Hmm... No!
SpongeBob: Ah, what do you know? You're a snail!
Gary: Hmm... No!
SpongeBob: Ah, what do you know? You're a snail!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Spongebob: Gee, Patrick sure is a heavy sleeper.
Patrick: [wakes up] D'oh! Oh! Uh! Who said that?! [Gasps] It's the "Clam Burgular", and he's got my serect box! Hand over the goods bandit, and prepare for the most unpleasent pillow fight of your life. [Pillow sounds like a gun cocking]
Spongebob: No, no wait Patrick, it's me, Spongebob!
Patrick: ...Nice try bandit. But Spongebob is my best friend, and he'd never steal from me.
Spongebob: No, Patrick! It is me, look! [pulls out the Best Friends Forever ring]
Patrick: It is you!
Patrick: [wakes up] D'oh! Oh! Uh! Who said that?! [Gasps] It's the "Clam Burgular", and he's got my serect box! Hand over the goods bandit, and prepare for the most unpleasent pillow fight of your life. [Pillow sounds like a gun cocking]
Spongebob: No, no wait Patrick, it's me, Spongebob!
Patrick: ...Nice try bandit. But Spongebob is my best friend, and he'd never steal from me.
Spongebob: No, Patrick! It is me, look! [pulls out the Best Friends Forever ring]
Patrick: It is you!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
[Squidward plays the clarinet poorly. There is a knock at door and he answers]
Doctor: Yeah, uh, we're from the pet hospital down the street, and we understand you have a dying animal on the premises.
[Squidward slams the door shut]
Doctor: Yeah, uh, we're from the pet hospital down the street, and we understand you have a dying animal on the premises.
[Squidward slams the door shut]
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward: Hello, you've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the-- [blows clarinet]
Squilliam Fancyson: Sounds as though you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh, old chum?
Squidward: [shocked]Squilliam Fancyson from band class?!
Squilliam: I heard you're playing the cash register now.
Squidward: Yeah, well, sometimes. How's the unibrow?
Squilliam: It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big, fancy band now, and we're supposed to play at the Bubble Bowl next week!
Squidward: The bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu...
Squilliam: That's right! I'm living your dream, Squidward! The problem is I'm busy next week and can't make, so I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.
Squidward: Oh, I, uh, uh, uh...
Squilliam: I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now!
Squidward: [angry at the comment]] HOLD IT! [Squilliam perks up as he was about to hang up] It just so happens that I don't sell fast food! I do have a band, and we're going to play at that Bubble Bowl! How do you like that, fancy boy?
Squilliam: Good luck next Tuesday! I hope the audience brings lots of IBUPROFIN! [hangs up]
Squilliam Fancyson: Sounds as though you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh, old chum?
Squidward: [shocked]Squilliam Fancyson from band class?!
Squilliam: I heard you're playing the cash register now.
Squidward: Yeah, well, sometimes. How's the unibrow?
Squilliam: It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big, fancy band now, and we're supposed to play at the Bubble Bowl next week!
Squidward: The bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu...
Squilliam: That's right! I'm living your dream, Squidward! The problem is I'm busy next week and can't make, so I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.
Squidward: Oh, I, uh, uh, uh...
Squilliam: I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now!
Squidward: [angry at the comment]] HOLD IT! [Squilliam perks up as he was about to hang up] It just so happens that I don't sell fast food! I do have a band, and we're going to play at that Bubble Bowl! How do you like that, fancy boy?
Squilliam: Good luck next Tuesday! I hope the audience brings lots of IBUPROFIN! [hangs up]
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
[Patrick pries open the door from the outside after a big brawl with Sandy]
Patrick: Whoever's the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on.
[Patrick enters, revealing his head has been shoved through a trombone]
Patrick: Whoever's the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on.
[Patrick enters, revealing his head has been shoved through a trombone]
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward: Okay now. How many of you have played musical instruments before?
Plankton: Do instruments of torture count?
Squidward: No.
Patrick: [raises hand] Is mayonnaise an instrument?
Squidward: No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument.
[Patrick raises his hand again]
Squidward: Horseradish is not an instrument either.
[Patrick puts his hand down]
Squidward: That's fine. No one has any experience. Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you! [starts laughing, then gradually stops]
Mr. Krabs: When do we get the free food?
Plankton: Do instruments of torture count?
Squidward: No.
Patrick: [raises hand] Is mayonnaise an instrument?
Squidward: No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument.
[Patrick raises his hand again]
Squidward: Horseradish is not an instrument either.
[Patrick puts his hand down]
Squidward: That's fine. No one has any experience. Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you! [starts laughing, then gradually stops]
Mr. Krabs: When do we get the free food?
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward: [pinned to the wall by percussion mallets] Too bad that didn't kill me.
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward: I knew this was going to happen. They're just going to have to find another band to play. I just hope that...[sees Squilliam]] SQUILLIAM DOESN'T FIND OUT! SQUILLIAM! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! What are you doing here?!
Squilliam: [laughs] I just wanted to watch you blow it! So, where's your band?
Squidward: They couldn't come, they...died.
Squilliam: Then who's that? [points to the entrance]
Squidward: AAAH! THAT WOULD BE MY BAND!
Squilliam: [laughs] I just wanted to watch you blow it! So, where's your band?
Squidward: They couldn't come, they...died.
Squilliam: Then who's that? [points to the entrance]
Squidward: AAAH! THAT WOULD BE MY BAND!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
[When clock ticks, everyone stops wrestling, they murmur and turn to leave, when the door opens, Squidward stands there]
Squidward: Well, you did it. You took my one chance of happiness, and crushed it. Crushed it into little, tiny, bite-size pieces! I really had expected better of you people. [starts crying] I guess I'm a loser for that too! Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all DIED in a marching accident. So, thanks. [cries] Thanks for nothing. [leaves]
Patrick: [after a lengthy silence] You're welcome.
Squidward: Well, you did it. You took my one chance of happiness, and crushed it. Crushed it into little, tiny, bite-size pieces! I really had expected better of you people. [starts crying] I guess I'm a loser for that too! Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all DIED in a marching accident. So, thanks. [cries] Thanks for nothing. [leaves]
Patrick: [after a lengthy silence] You're welcome.
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Narrator: Day four.
Squidward: Well, this is our last night together before the show, and I know you haven't improved since we began.
[Patrick is seen chewing on a trombone.]
Squidward: But I have a theory. People talk loud when they want to sound smart, right?
Plankton: CORRECT!
Squidward: So if we play loud, people might think we're good! Everybody ready?
Squidward: Well, this is our last night together before the show, and I know you haven't improved since we began.
[Patrick is seen chewing on a trombone.]
Squidward: But I have a theory. People talk loud when they want to sound smart, right?
Plankton: CORRECT!
Squidward: So if we play loud, people might think we're good! Everybody ready?
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward: A-one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four. [the band plays so loud that the glass breaks] Okay, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.
Harold: Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people didn't try to play with "big meaty claws"!
Mr. Krabs: What did you say, punk?
Harold: BIG...MEATY...'CLAWS!'
Mr. Krabs: Well these claws ain't just for attracting mates!
Harold: Bring it on old man, BRING IT ON!
SpongeBob: No people. Let's be smart and bring it off.
Female Fish: Oh, so now the talking cheese is going to preach to us!
Harold: Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people didn't try to play with "big meaty claws"!
Mr. Krabs: What did you say, punk?
Harold: BIG...MEATY...'CLAWS!'
Mr. Krabs: Well these claws ain't just for attracting mates!
Harold: Bring it on old man, BRING IT ON!
SpongeBob: No people. Let's be smart and bring it off.
Female Fish: Oh, so now the talking cheese is going to preach to us!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward: I've got to drum up a marching band fast! [chuckles] Drum...band humor!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
[Everyone reading Squidward's fliers]
Sandy: "Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?"
Plankton: "Then become part of the greatest musical sensation ever to hit Bikini Bottom!"
Mrs. Puff: "And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know!"
Mr. Krabs: "Not to mention...FREE refreshments!"
Larry the Lobster: "Practice begins tonight. 8: 30 sharp."
Sandy: "Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?"
Plankton: "Then become part of the greatest musical sensation ever to hit Bikini Bottom!"
Mrs. Puff: "And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know!"
Mr. Krabs: "Not to mention...FREE refreshments!"
Larry the Lobster: "Practice begins tonight. 8: 30 sharp."
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Mama Krabs: YEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! My [honk] foot!
[Everyone gasps]
Mr. Krabs: Mother!
Mama Krabs: What? It's Old Man Jenkins in his jalopy.
Old Man Jenkins: Howdy, Mrs. K!
[SpongeBob, Patrick, and Mr. Krabs burst out laughing]
[Everyone gasps]
Mr. Krabs: Mother!
Mama Krabs: What? It's Old Man Jenkins in his jalopy.
Old Man Jenkins: Howdy, Mrs. K!
[SpongeBob, Patrick, and Mr. Krabs burst out laughing]
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob: Isn't this great, Squidward? Just you and me together for hours and hours and hours, and then the sun will come up, and it'll be tomorrow, and we'll still be working! [gasps] It'll be just like a sleepover! Only we'll be sweaty and covered with grease! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK SQUIDWARD?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: GOOD! 'Cause we got CUSTOMERS!
Squidward: Here. [hands a baseball bat to a customer] Please hit me as hard as you can.
SpongeBob: Hey Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen. [giggles] At night.
Squidward: [tilts his head sideways to the customer with the bat] Don't hold back.
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: GOOD! 'Cause we got CUSTOMERS!
Squidward: Here. [hands a baseball bat to a customer] Please hit me as hard as you can.
SpongeBob: Hey Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen. [giggles] At night.
Squidward: [tilts his head sideways to the customer with the bat] Don't hold back.
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward: And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties...it happened.
SpongeBob: He forgot the secret sauce?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: He didn't wash his hands?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: Irregular portions?
Squidward: NO! He cut off his own hand by mistake!
SpongeBob: You mean like this? [pulls out his arm, and another one grows back] Or this? [repeats] Or this? But what about this? Or this? Or this?
Squidward: Except he wasn't a sponge.
SpongeBob: So?
Squidward: SO THEY DIDN'T GROW BACK!!
SpongeBob: [he and his arms that were pulled out jump in fear]OHH NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!![arms run away]
SpongeBob: He forgot the secret sauce?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: He didn't wash his hands?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: Irregular portions?
Squidward: NO! He cut off his own hand by mistake!
SpongeBob: You mean like this? [pulls out his arm, and another one grows back] Or this? [repeats] Or this? But what about this? Or this? Or this?
Squidward: Except he wasn't a sponge.
SpongeBob: So?
Squidward: SO THEY DIDN'T GROW BACK!!
SpongeBob: [he and his arms that were pulled out jump in fear]OHH NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!![arms run away]
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
[Squidward is telling the story of the Hash-Slinging Slasher]
Squidward: So now, every-- what day is it?
SpongeBob: Tuesday.
Squidward: TUESDAY NIGHT, his ghost returns to the Krusty Krab to wreak his horrible vengeance!
Squidward: So now, every-- what day is it?
SpongeBob: Tuesday.
Squidward: TUESDAY NIGHT, his ghost returns to the Krusty Krab to wreak his horrible vengeance!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob: Isn't this great, Squidward? There's no time to wash the ceiling during the day!
Squidward: "Open twenty-four hours a day." What a stupid idea! Who wants a Krabby Patty at three in the morning?!
[Inside Patrick's rock, Patrick is woken up by his alarm clock at 3: 00 AM]
Patrick: Oh, boy, 3 AM! [pulls off his blanket to reveal a Krabby Patty and eats it]
Squidward: "Open twenty-four hours a day." What a stupid idea! Who wants a Krabby Patty at three in the morning?!
[Inside Patrick's rock, Patrick is woken up by his alarm clock at 3: 00 AM]
Patrick: Oh, boy, 3 AM! [pulls off his blanket to reveal a Krabby Patty and eats it]
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward: [nervously] Okay, what was it? There was the lights, [lights flicker] the phone, [phone rings] and... [turns around to see green ooze coming from the walls]THE WALLS WILL OOZE GREEN SLIME?! Oh wait, they always do that.
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob: I am just so touched that you would go to the trouble to dress up as a ghostly fry-cook and stand on the other side of the road just to entertain me! You must really like me!
Squidward: SpongeBob, there are two problems with your theory. One: I hate you, and two: How can that be me, if I'm STANDING RIGHT HERE?!
Squidward: SpongeBob, there are two problems with your theory. One: I hate you, and two: How can that be me, if I'm STANDING RIGHT HERE?!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward: SpongeBob? No matter what I've said, I always sort of liked you!
SpongeBob: Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet!
Squidward: Huh?
SpongeBob: Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet!
Squidward: Huh?
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward: Wait, if that was you on the phone and you on the bus...then who was flickering the lights? [camera pans over to Count Orlok flickering the light switch]
All: [playfully] NOSFERATU!
All: [playfully] NOSFERATU!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Mr. Krabs: That's a penny short! [cries]
Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh no, not a penny. Help, somebody help us.
Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh no, not a penny. Help, somebody help us.
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
[Mr. Krabs spots Mrs. Puff in the Krusty Krab.]
SpongeBob: Hey, that's my driving instructor, Mrs. Puff!
Mr. Krabs: Mrs. Puff? Aw, she's married.
SpongeBob: Oh no, Mr. Krabs; she's single.
Mr. Krabs: Then what happened to Mr. Puff?
[Mr. Puff is seen being used as a lamp]
SpongeBob: She doesn't like to talk about it.
SpongeBob: Hey, that's my driving instructor, Mrs. Puff!
Mr. Krabs: Mrs. Puff? Aw, she's married.
SpongeBob: Oh no, Mr. Krabs; she's single.
Mr. Krabs: Then what happened to Mr. Puff?
[Mr. Puff is seen being used as a lamp]
SpongeBob: She doesn't like to talk about it.
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Mrs. Puff: [after SpongeBob's rant is done] I didn't know SpongeBob had such a colorful vocabulary.
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Mr. Krabs: I'm caught in the middle of me two great loves: sweet Mrs. Puff...and the rest of me money!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob: I could not ask for a more beautiful day to write an essay. [looks outside and sees a tree and mountains]
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Mail Fish: Package for Mr. Squarepants.
SpongeBob: Great! Thanks. [trying to strike up a conversation] So, uh, you like delivering mail?
Mail Fish: It puts bread on the table.
SpongeBob: Rye or pumpernickel? [laughs]
Mail Fish: Oh, brother.
SpongeBob: So, do you deliver your own mail, or do you have your own mail person? But then who delivers his mail? Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen delivering mail to other mailmen? Well, I guess a P.O. box could in theory break the chain...
Mail Fish: [interrupting] Don't you have a paper to write?
SpongeBob: Great! Thanks. [trying to strike up a conversation] So, uh, you like delivering mail?
Mail Fish: It puts bread on the table.
SpongeBob: Rye or pumpernickel? [laughs]
Mail Fish: Oh, brother.
SpongeBob: So, do you deliver your own mail, or do you have your own mail person? But then who delivers his mail? Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen delivering mail to other mailmen? Well, I guess a P.O. box could in theory break the chain...
Mail Fish: [interrupting] Don't you have a paper to write?
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants