Squidbillies Quotes
Dan Halen: Go behind the Dumpster and mate the tangy with the mild.
Rusty: Well, how I go about doing that?
Dan Halen: Tie Tangy up, have a black chicken fuck it in a fake rape scenario while Mild watches helpless because that's what gets him off.
Rusty: Well, how I go about doing that?
Dan Halen: Tie Tangy up, have a black chicken fuck it in a fake rape scenario while Mild watches helpless because that's what gets him off.
TV Show: Squidbillies
Satan: I'm gonna own you all, just like I own this little bitch here! Come on. Come to daddy.
Rusty: Wait a minute, now. I thought you said this was free. I didn't have to do nuthin' for it.
Satan: Listen to the little whiny bitch. Boy, he's really gonna hate it when he gets to Hell.
Rusty: I don't wanna go to hell! Come on, do something, Daddy!
Satan: You know, it's actually not much worse than your current situation. I mean, yeah, we have really high taxes, but hey, you earn real money at least. I mean, we do have jobs down there. It's not everything you hear.
Rusty: Oh, really?
Satan: Hahaha, no! You are raped by fire all day! And the days are longer down there! Oh, there's plenty to drink. You know what you drink? FIRE, motherstuffer, that's what! Dinner? That's a root that makes you thirsty for more flippin' fire! You understand? It's ridiculous what I've set up down there!
Rusty: Wait a minute, now. I thought you said this was free. I didn't have to do nuthin' for it.
Satan: Listen to the little whiny bitch. Boy, he's really gonna hate it when he gets to Hell.
Rusty: I don't wanna go to hell! Come on, do something, Daddy!
Satan: You know, it's actually not much worse than your current situation. I mean, yeah, we have really high taxes, but hey, you earn real money at least. I mean, we do have jobs down there. It's not everything you hear.
Rusty: Oh, really?
Satan: Hahaha, no! You are raped by fire all day! And the days are longer down there! Oh, there's plenty to drink. You know what you drink? FIRE, motherstuffer, that's what! Dinner? That's a root that makes you thirsty for more flippin' fire! You understand? It's ridiculous what I've set up down there!
TV Show: Squidbillies
Rusty: Oh my God! It's Ridley Scott's "Alien"! Look at it! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Early: No, son, it ain't Ridley Scott's "Alien". It's worse.
Early: No, son, it ain't Ridley Scott's "Alien". It's worse.
TV Show: Squidbillies
Early: (taking Lil's babies to the "movies") Alright. C'mon y'all. C'mon. Step right in to the movies. Yeah, see what Hollyweird has cooked up next. Getcha good seat now. You don't wanna miss them previews.
Rusty: Daddy, this ain't the movies.
Early: No movies. Lake boat.
Rusty: Daddy, this ain't the movies.
Early: No movies. Lake boat.
TV Show: Squidbillies
Early: "I have re-evalutated the saturation, and I have convoluted that you ain't wild... You're mild."
TV Show: Squidbillies
Early: War, Famine, Death... and grasshoppers. Looks like one just dont quite belong does it?
TV Show: Squidbillies
Santa: Okay, this is Big Crimson Daddy. Stop production on all sex toys immediately.
Elf: We're... everything?
Santa: Uh... I could maybe fold the anal beads team into yo-yos, but... but no vibrators.
Elf 2: Can't we just call them "back massagers"?
Santa: No... yes. Yes, we can make that work. I'll call Sharper Image.
Elf 3: What about these, Santa?
Santa: The Kalishnakovs? With the Drum-Triber air sight and the fixed stock... oh, God, that's a nice weapon... uh... let me hold off on that one.
Elf: We're... everything?
Santa: Uh... I could maybe fold the anal beads team into yo-yos, but... but no vibrators.
Elf 2: Can't we just call them "back massagers"?
Santa: No... yes. Yes, we can make that work. I'll call Sharper Image.
Elf 3: What about these, Santa?
Santa: The Kalishnakovs? With the Drum-Triber air sight and the fixed stock... oh, God, that's a nice weapon... uh... let me hold off on that one.
TV Show: Squidbillies
Reverend: Who cares? Life is merely a fantasy draped in confusion.
Early: Grab my skull bong from the reverend would you?
Early: Grab my skull bong from the reverend would you?
TV Show: Squidbillies
Melissa: We caught up with Halen in his inground pool, inexplicably built in the middle of a giant lake, which is itself a giant aboveground pool.
TV Show: Squidbillies
Melissa: Mr. Halen, take a look at this. (Turns on TV showing a police riot) The Chicago Democratic Convention in 1968.
Dan Halen: Ah, the '60s. I'll never forget them.
Melissa: I believe that's you in the upper-left corner hitting someone with a chain.
Dan Halen: (laughing) I remem-- I remember I made that guy taste the chain. "Taste the chain," I said again and again, long after he was incapable of tasting anything.
Melissa: We found this in the archives after the invasion of Poland. (Plays stock footage of Halen alongside Adolf Hitler, saluting in full uniform and shouting, "Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil!")
Dan Halen: We belonged to the same gym. I suppose you'll take that image out of context and make it into something.
Melissa: Here you are in Berlin in 1926.
Dan Halen: So I used to be a transvestite cabaret host. You have a point with this?
Melissa: According to our research, Dan Halen has apparently existed throughout recorded history.
Dan Halen: (against a montage featuring him in a direct capacity, starting with...)Everyone tortured political prisoners during the medieval era. (Atop a Mayan pyramid, pulling out a heart) This sacrifice led to plenty of rain. The maize crop that year was wonderful. (At the feet of the Crucifixion, wooden hammer in hand) I was taking the nail out. I was trying to help the man. (Cave painting of a body struck by three arrows and Halen with lit torch, dragging woman by the hair) Well, it's not like I invented fire. (As a monk holding a rat over a body) So I spread some of the Black Plague. (Whipping Egyptian slaves) Those Egyptians were trying to steal precious artifacts from the British museum. (Atop a unicorn, close to a Tyrannosaurus) Well, that-- that was just an accident.
Melissa: Mr. H
Dan Halen: Ah, the '60s. I'll never forget them.
Melissa: I believe that's you in the upper-left corner hitting someone with a chain.
Dan Halen: (laughing) I remem-- I remember I made that guy taste the chain. "Taste the chain," I said again and again, long after he was incapable of tasting anything.
Melissa: We found this in the archives after the invasion of Poland. (Plays stock footage of Halen alongside Adolf Hitler, saluting in full uniform and shouting, "Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil!")
Dan Halen: We belonged to the same gym. I suppose you'll take that image out of context and make it into something.
Melissa: Here you are in Berlin in 1926.
Dan Halen: So I used to be a transvestite cabaret host. You have a point with this?
Melissa: According to our research, Dan Halen has apparently existed throughout recorded history.
Dan Halen: (against a montage featuring him in a direct capacity, starting with...)Everyone tortured political prisoners during the medieval era. (Atop a Mayan pyramid, pulling out a heart) This sacrifice led to plenty of rain. The maize crop that year was wonderful. (At the feet of the Crucifixion, wooden hammer in hand) I was taking the nail out. I was trying to help the man. (Cave painting of a body struck by three arrows and Halen with lit torch, dragging woman by the hair) Well, it's not like I invented fire. (As a monk holding a rat over a body) So I spread some of the Black Plague. (Whipping Egyptian slaves) Those Egyptians were trying to steal precious artifacts from the British museum. (Atop a unicorn, close to a Tyrannosaurus) Well, that-- that was just an accident.
Melissa: Mr. H
TV Show: Squidbillies
Dan Halen: I should have put it together. The copious references to "Nature Boy" Ric Flair and former Black Crowes bassist Johnny Colt. Hell, Halen, they're written on waffle bar napkins. Where was my analytical mind?!
TV Show: Squidbillies
Early: "Just get it half mashed. I can get the rest with my nuggets. Delecious."
TV Show: Squidbillies