Strangers with Candy Quotes
Noblet: All right, everybody. For tomorrow, I want you to write a history poem on Hiroshima. But nothing too [writing on blackboard] faggy.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Noblet: Oh, and remember I need the permission slips for this week's trip to Good Time Island.
Student: Where's your permission slip?
Noblet: SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH.
Student: Where's your permission slip?
Noblet: SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Wilford Brimley: [on tape] Hi. This is Wilford Brimley. Welcome to Retardation: A Celebration. Now, hopefully with this book, I'm gonna dispel a few myths, a few rumors. First off, the retarded don't rule the night. They don't rule it. Nobody does. And they don't run in packs. And while they may not be as strong as apes, don't lock eyes with 'em, don't do it. Puts 'em on edge. They might go into berzerker mode; come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows. You might be screaming "No, no, no" and all they hear is "Who wants cake?" Let me tell you something: They all do. They all want cake.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Jerri: Mr. Noblet wants me to snitch on a friend.
Jellineck: Snitching doesn’t seem like you, Jerri.
Jerri: Oh, it’s not what you think. It’s not like snitching on a real person. She's--
Jellineck: Gay?
Jerri: Retarded.
Jellineck: Yes, most of them are.
Jerri: Most who are what?
Jellineck: Most gay people are retarded.
Jerri: Does that mean Kimberly Timbers is gay?
Jellineck: I don’t know. Hey! Make a pass at her and find out. She'd have to be retarded to turn you down.
Jellineck: Snitching doesn’t seem like you, Jerri.
Jerri: Oh, it’s not what you think. It’s not like snitching on a real person. She's--
Jellineck: Gay?
Jerri: Retarded.
Jellineck: Yes, most of them are.
Jerri: Most who are what?
Jellineck: Most gay people are retarded.
Jerri: Does that mean Kimberly Timbers is gay?
Jellineck: I don’t know. Hey! Make a pass at her and find out. She'd have to be retarded to turn you down.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Sara: What I'd like to know is, why are there retarded people in school with my daughter?
Principal Onyx Blackman: Mrs. Blank, we're doing our best to weed them out, but some of these retards are extremely clever.
Principal Onyx Blackman: Mrs. Blank, we're doing our best to weed them out, but some of these retards are extremely clever.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Jerri: I've changed. People change. Changes... I'm not the same Jerri Blank who informed on those blind orphans. I'm not the same Jerri Blank who revealed the hiding place of those Guatemalans... such as yourself. And I'm not the same Jerri Blank who took a crap in the Fleishmanns' holly bushes... last night.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Noblet: Before we leave, that is Ricky, he's a new student here at Flatpoint... Now, I want you to treat Ricky like you would any other student you know nothing about and who evidently feels he can walk into my classroom in the middle of the semester and expect me to change my lesson plan.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Jellineck: If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we'd all have a bowl of granola!
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Jerri: I did things I wouldn't force on a mule, and that includes things I forced on a mule.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Jerri: Befriending new people can lead to having sex with your children, accidentally.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Ricky: You gave me away?
Jerri: No, no, never! I traded you for a guitar. And all these years I've wondered, what happened to that guitar?
Jerri: No, no, never! I traded you for a guitar. And all these years I've wondered, what happened to that guitar?
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Jerri: I like the pole and the hole, and right now I'm as moist as a snack cake down there. So, why don't you come over to my crib after school, and I'll make your pinky aaaall stinky.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Jerri: I do like black people! It just took a white one to prove it to me.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Jerri: It's not that I don't like black people...it's that I don't like black people.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Jellineck: But please, no mylar balloons. They never deflate and I just don't have the heart to throw them away.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Jellineck: Your daughter has a disease we call... anorexia.
Sara: Is that contagious?
Jellineck: Yes. It often sweeps through third world countries that are stricken by drought.
Sara: Is that contagious?
Jellineck: Yes. It often sweeps through third world countries that are stricken by drought.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Jellineck: [to Stew] Simmer down... Stew. Obviously you have a beef, Stew, but please don't stir things up.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Jellineck: I've gotta run but as soon as you're ready to talk about your family problems with an art teacher you can call me.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
[The class is making models of themselves using clay. Jerri's is cartoonishly fat and bulging.]
Jellineck: Jerri, is this how you imagine yourself?
Jerri: No, I ran out of clay.
Jellineck: Jerri, is this how you imagine yourself?
Jerri: No, I ran out of clay.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Noblet: [seeing Jerri's scarred hands] Arghh! My hands!
Jerri: But they're mine!
Noblet: What's the difference?
Jerri: But they're mine!
Noblet: What's the difference?
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Jerri: You know, high school is a lot like the slammer. The food sucks, they tell you where to go and how to do it. And if someone tries to make you their bitch, you just stick them with a shiv in the showers.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
[Jerri doesn't think she's pretty enough to be homecoming queen.]
Orlando: In my country you'd be a real queen.
Jerri: Yeah, well that's 'cause your country's run by monkeys.
Orlando: In my country you'd be a real queen.
Jerri: Yeah, well that's 'cause your country's run by monkeys.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy
Noblet: [reading aloud from a note confiscated from Jerri] "My vagina is on fire. I'm trying not to scratch it, Orlando, I'm afraid it will get infected. P.S. I just know I'm going to win homecoming queen. That will show those sons of bitches, especially Noblet, that homo-" Jerri, see me after class.
TV Show: Strangers with Candy