Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Quotes
Harriet Hayes: [referring to her upcoming bare-all photo-shoot] What do you think?
Matt Albie: Me?
Harriet Hayes: Yeah.
Matt Albie: I think if you want to put on La Perla and pose for a great photographer then its Christmas morning for me.
Harriet Hayes: Thank you.
Matt Albie: But you don't want to.
Matt Albie: Me?
Harriet Hayes: Yeah.
Matt Albie: I think if you want to put on La Perla and pose for a great photographer then its Christmas morning for me.
Harriet Hayes: Thank you.
Matt Albie: But you don't want to.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Matt Albie: [believes Luke Scott is bidding on a date with Harriett for a Women United Through Faith online charity auction] Bid $501!
Suzanne: Really?
Matt Albie: Yes
Suzanne: $501?
Matt Albie: I am not giving these people any more money than I have to, bid $501!
Suzanne: Any choice of user name?
Matt Albie: Make something up.
Suzanne: [typing] Boss... sexy.
Matt Albie: NOT Boss Sexy!
Suzanne: Ahh, too late!
Suzanne: Really?
Matt Albie: Yes
Suzanne: $501?
Matt Albie: I am not giving these people any more money than I have to, bid $501!
Suzanne: Any choice of user name?
Matt Albie: Make something up.
Suzanne: [typing] Boss... sexy.
Matt Albie: NOT Boss Sexy!
Suzanne: Ahh, too late!
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Matt Albie: Danny? You're caring more about other people than you usually do.
Danny Tripp: You're the one who just said, 'What's she gonna do about the upfronts?'.
Matt Albie: Mine was an idle question, then I moved on to other things in my head.
Danny Tripp: So was mine.
Matt Albie: No, it wasn't. It was genuine interest.
Danny Tripp: Look, in case you haven't noticed, she's doing a good job.
Matt Albie: And there you just defended her.
Danny Tripp: What's wrong with that?
Matt Albie: For starters, no one's attacking her.
Danny Tripp: Go write!
Matt Albie: Okay. [Matt leaves, Danny slams his hand on the desk, Matt returns]
Matt Albie: What?
Danny Tripp: Nothing.
Matt Albie: Say it. Just say it out loud!
Danny Tripp: You're the one who just said, 'What's she gonna do about the upfronts?'.
Matt Albie: Mine was an idle question, then I moved on to other things in my head.
Danny Tripp: So was mine.
Matt Albie: No, it wasn't. It was genuine interest.
Danny Tripp: Look, in case you haven't noticed, she's doing a good job.
Matt Albie: And there you just defended her.
Danny Tripp: What's wrong with that?
Matt Albie: For starters, no one's attacking her.
Danny Tripp: Go write!
Matt Albie: Okay. [Matt leaves, Danny slams his hand on the desk, Matt returns]
Matt Albie: What?
Danny Tripp: Nothing.
Matt Albie: Say it. Just say it out loud!
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Tom Jeter: We have to stop giving her the Prairie Oyster, turns out we could kill this lunatic girl dead.
Jack Rudolph: [pause] Tom, Meet Kim's parents.
Tom Jeter: [turns around, sees Zhang and his wife] [long pause]
Tom Jeter: Lunatic girl is an idiom in our language, meaning -
Jack Rudolph: Get out.
Jack Rudolph: [pause] Tom, Meet Kim's parents.
Tom Jeter: [turns around, sees Zhang and his wife] [long pause]
Tom Jeter: Lunatic girl is an idiom in our language, meaning -
Jack Rudolph: Get out.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[Danny has Matt pinned under him, on the beach]
Matt Albie: Are people looking at us right now?
Danny Tripp: I think they are.
Matt Albie: Well, could you punch me in the face or something, 'cause to a causal observer this appears a little homoerotic for my comfort.
Matt Albie: Are people looking at us right now?
Danny Tripp: I think they are.
Matt Albie: Well, could you punch me in the face or something, 'cause to a causal observer this appears a little homoerotic for my comfort.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[On the set of News 60]
Simon Stiles: Roseanne Barr is releasing an album for children. We don't have a joke here, we just mention this as a public service warning to parents.
Simon Stiles: Roseanne Barr is releasing an album for children. We don't have a joke here, we just mention this as a public service warning to parents.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Wes: Ah, this is not going to be a very good show tonight. And I think you should change the channel. Change the channel, go on, right now... or better yet, turn off the TV, okay? No, I know it seems like this is supposed to be funny, but tomorrow you’re gonna find out that it wasn’t and by that time I’ll have been fired. No, this is… this is not… this is not a sketch. This show used to be cutting edge political and social satire, but it’s gotten lobotomized by a candy-ass broadcast network hell-bent on doing nothing that might challenge their audience. We’re about to do a sketch that you’ve seen already about 500 times. Yeah, no one’s gonna confuse George Bush with George Plimpton. Yeah, we get it. We’re all being lobotomized by this country’s most influential industry that’s just throwing in the towel on any endeavor to do anything that doesn’t include the courting of 12 year old boys. And not even the smart 12 year olds. The stupid ones. The idiots. Which there are plenty, thanks in no small measure to this network, so why don’t you just change the channel? Turn off your TVs, do it right now, go ahead.... A struggle between art and commerce. Well, there’s always been a struggle between art and commerce. And now I’m telling you art is getting its ass kicked. And it’s making us mean, and it’s making us bitchy. It’s making us cheap punks. That’s not who we are! People are having contests to see how much they can be like Donald Trump?... We’re eating worms for money. Who wants to screw my sister? Guys are getting killed in a war that’s got theme music and a logo? That remote in your hand is a crack pipe. [monitors] Oh yeah, every once in a while we pretend to be appalled.... Pornographers! It’s not even good pornography. They’re just this side of snuff films. And friends, that’s what’s next because that’s all that’s left. And the two things that make them scared gutless are the FCC and every psycho religious cult that gets positively horny at the very mention
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Harriet: You know what, rook? When you start making a contribution to this show, you can talk to me any way you want. But you had two lines tonight and you stepped on one of them. So until you either accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior or make somebody laugh, why don’t you talk to somebody else?
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[Matt and Danny have been offered the job of leading the show.]
Matt: Are you people using the confidential information that Danny failed a drug test to force him into taking over Studio 60 to deflect attention from what happened on the air tonight?
Jack: He failed a drug test?
Jordan: Yeah, actually Matt, I was the only one who knew about that. Should have trusted me a little, Danny.
Matt: [to Danny] Sorry about that, that one was all me.
Danny: Yeah.
Matt: [turning to everyone] Ironically, I'm the one who's high as a paper kite right now. But legitimately. I had back surgery on Tuesday. L-5/S-1, if that means anything to you. Stop talking now? You bet.
Matt: Are you people using the confidential information that Danny failed a drug test to force him into taking over Studio 60 to deflect attention from what happened on the air tonight?
Jack: He failed a drug test?
Jordan: Yeah, actually Matt, I was the only one who knew about that. Should have trusted me a little, Danny.
Matt: [to Danny] Sorry about that, that one was all me.
Danny: Yeah.
Matt: [turning to everyone] Ironically, I'm the one who's high as a paper kite right now. But legitimately. I had back surgery on Tuesday. L-5/S-1, if that means anything to you. Stop talking now? You bet.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Danny: I have no reason to trust you and every reason not to.
Jordan: Why?
Danny: You work in television.
Jordan: Why?
Danny: You work in television.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Jack: [to Jordan] You saw how fast I fired Wes Mendell? Screw this up and I'll fire you faster. I'm not like every other heterosexual man in show business, Jordan. I don't find you charming. And you've earned the loyalty of absolutely no one. So you go ahead and take your first steps towards making us classy again. We've been waiting for you.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Reporter: Jordan, can you describe the reaction of NBS executives Friday night when Wes described the network as "a candy-assed network" and "a greed-filled whorehouse of a network"?
Jordan: Pleased and proud, as you can imagine. Until we realized he wasn't talking about Fox, he was talking about us.
Jordan: Pleased and proud, as you can imagine. Until we realized he wasn't talking about Fox, he was talking about us.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[The press questions the team about Danny's drug history.]
Reporter: Jordan, did you know about this when you hired him?
Jordan: I can't remember, I was high at the time.
Reporter: Jordan, did you know about this when you hired him?
Jordan: I can't remember, I was high at the time.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[Matt addresses his writing team.]
Matt: One of the things this show does is decide what's cool, and I've just decided it's no longer cool for grown men to dress as if they're in junior high school. We're going to act, dress, talk, write and behave professionally.
[Harriet bursts through the door.]
Harriet: You are an adolescent, oversexed, whore-monger with the sensitivity of a head of cabbage!
Matt: And all that will begin in just a few minutes.
Matt: One of the things this show does is decide what's cool, and I've just decided it's no longer cool for grown men to dress as if they're in junior high school. We're going to act, dress, talk, write and behave professionally.
[Harriet bursts through the door.]
Harriet: You are an adolescent, oversexed, whore-monger with the sensitivity of a head of cabbage!
Matt: And all that will begin in just a few minutes.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[Jack approaches Jordan in the studio as the new show is about to air, quoting fictional newsman Lou Grant.]
Jack: You know what, Mary? You got spunk.
Jack & Jordan: I hate spunk.
. . .
Jack: They never lose, Jordan. They always win.
Jordan: And they might this time, but I'm not going down in the first round. And if the ratings go up, the sponsors who dropped out, we'll welcome them back in — at 120% of the cost of the original ad buy. We're going to be the first network to charge a coward fee.
Jack: [to himself] I hate spunk.
Jack: You know what, Mary? You got spunk.
Jack & Jordan: I hate spunk.
. . .
Jack: They never lose, Jordan. They always win.
Jordan: And they might this time, but I'm not going down in the first round. And if the ratings go up, the sponsors who dropped out, we'll welcome them back in — at 120% of the cost of the original ad buy. We're going to be the first network to charge a coward fee.
Jack: [to himself] I hate spunk.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
The Cast: [singing to "I am the very model of a modern Major-General"]We'll be the very model of a modern network TV show.
Each time that we walk into this august and famous studio
We're starting out from scratch after a run of 20 years, and so
We hope that you don't mind that our producer was caught doing blow.
Each time that we walk into this august and famous studio
We're starting out from scratch after a run of 20 years, and so
We hope that you don't mind that our producer was caught doing blow.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Harriet: I got a laugh at the table read when I asked for the butter in the dinner sketch. I didn't get it at the dress. What did I do wrong?
Matt: That's one laugh out of thirty you're going to get tonight.
Harriet: What did I do wrong?
Matt: You asked for the laugh.
Harriet: What did I do at the table read?
Matt: You asked for the butter.
Matt: That's one laugh out of thirty you're going to get tonight.
Harriet: What did I do wrong?
Matt: You asked for the laugh.
Harriet: What did I do at the table read?
Matt: You asked for the butter.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[Ron and Ricky enter Matt's office during a power outage.]
Ron: Matt...
Matt: Well, we need to find out why this is happening.
Ricky: Yep.
Matt: Electricity plays a pretty big role in what we're trying to do.
Ron: Matt...
Matt: Well, we need to find out why this is happening.
Ricky: Yep.
Matt: Electricity plays a pretty big role in what we're trying to do.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[Harriet, Simon, and Tom are arguing over the "News 60" material.]
Harriet: God loves me, and hates the both of you.
Simon: Prove it.
[The lights come back on all at once.]
Simon: Okay, seriously, I'm scared out of my mind.
Tom: Yeah. That was strange.
Harriet: Alright. Moving on...
Harriet: God loves me, and hates the both of you.
Simon: Prove it.
[The lights come back on all at once.]
Simon: Okay, seriously, I'm scared out of my mind.
Tom: Yeah. That was strange.
Harriet: Alright. Moving on...
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[Matt worries about a focus-group report that criticizes the show's patriotism.]
Danny: They want to see you take fewer whacks at Bush, and it looks like they're getting their wish. So throw it out.
Matt: It's four years ago, all over again.
Danny: What did you think it was going to be?
Matt: Four years later. And by the way, I'd be happy to take shots at the Democrats, too, if only one of them would say or do something!
Danny: They want to see you take fewer whacks at Bush, and it looks like they're getting their wish. So throw it out.
Matt: It's four years ago, all over again.
Danny: What did you think it was going to be?
Matt: Four years later. And by the way, I'd be happy to take shots at the Democrats, too, if only one of them would say or do something!
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[At the power goes out again, Cal reports to Danny.]
Danny: Are they fixing it?
Cal: In a manner of speaking, yeah.
Danny: What does that mean?
Cal: They don't know how to fix it.
Danny: Are they fixing it?
Cal: In a manner of speaking, yeah.
Danny: What does that mean?
Cal: They don't know how to fix it.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[Danny is sitting on Matt's chest after a struggle on the beach.]
Matt: Are people looking at us right now?
Danny: I think they are.
Matt: Well, could you punch me in the face or something, 'cause to a casual observer this appears a little homoerotic for my comfort.
Danny: I definitely hear you on that.
Matt: Are people looking at us right now?
Danny: I think they are.
Matt: Well, could you punch me in the face or something, 'cause to a casual observer this appears a little homoerotic for my comfort.
Danny: I definitely hear you on that.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Harriet: You know, where I grew up, if this had happened, there'd be a town meeting, and everybody'd be there. And the guy would have to sit and listen while Reverend Tillinghouse gave a sermon on honesty and character.
Simon: That's exactly what would happen where I grew up, except we'd've driven by the guy's house and shot him with a GAT-9.
Harriet: See, there's more that unites us than divides us.
Simon: That's exactly what would happen where I grew up, except we'd've driven by the guy's house and shot him with a GAT-9.
Harriet: See, there's more that unites us than divides us.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Danny: Things happen around here. People blowing smoke out of their office windows at night?!
Jordan: Tell me no one is getting high in this building, Danny.
Danny: You're shocked that drugs are a part of late night comedy? The Coneheads, Toonces the Driving Cat? You think Belushi and Farley died of Lou Gehrig's disease?
Jordan: Tell me it's not happening here.
Danny: It's not happening here.
Jordan: Tell me no one is getting high in this building, Danny.
Danny: You're shocked that drugs are a part of late night comedy? The Coneheads, Toonces the Driving Cat? You think Belushi and Farley died of Lou Gehrig's disease?
Jordan: Tell me it's not happening here.
Danny: It's not happening here.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[Harriet gives Matt a gift — a baseball bat which a player had given to her.]
Matt: He wrote his phone number on here. You didn't see it?
Harriet: That's his phone number?
Matt: What did you think it was?
Harriet: I just thought it was his uniform number. You know, they sign their name, and then write the number…
Matt: Yeah, they do… do that. You thought his uniform number was 3 billion, 106 million, 786 thousand, 5? Hun— he was asking you out.
Matt: He wrote his phone number on here. You didn't see it?
Harriet: That's his phone number?
Matt: What did you think it was?
Harriet: I just thought it was his uniform number. You know, they sign their name, and then write the number…
Matt: Yeah, they do… do that. You thought his uniform number was 3 billion, 106 million, 786 thousand, 5? Hun— he was asking you out.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Ron: The guy hadn't gotten anything on the air in a long time and was scared for his job. We talked to him and in no uncertain terms, he screwed up huge and he knows it. But I'm not gonna end his career over it. Cause I know how he feels. That's why we misled you and told you it was written by the room. People aren't even going for funny anymore, Matt. They're just trying for your respect. Anyway, we told Danny. We'll step down if you want, but we're not giving him up.
Matt: Well, now you've got my respect.
Matt: Well, now you've got my respect.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Harriet: Look skipper, if I wanted to make you jealous trust me you'd be jealous.
Matt: I am jealous!
Harriet: Well then, bonus for me.
Matt: I am jealous!
Harriet: Well then, bonus for me.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Matt: What are you writing about, Martha?
Martha: I don't know yet. I know that half this country hates the other half, and I know that, for 90 minutes a week, you and Harriet come together.
Martha: I don't know yet. I know that half this country hates the other half, and I know that, for 90 minutes a week, you and Harriet come together.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Tom: [to rehearsal audience] Danny Tripp has just gone upstairs to Matt Albie's office, where the two of them will very quickly decide what makes it into the show tonight. We call this "the Friday night slaughter." This is where you find out if you have the chance to be the next Bill Murray, or the next Domino's Pizza delivery guy.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Harriet: Well, everyone here's a big fan of yours, Martha.
Martha: Really? How would I be referred to in your parents' house?
Harriet: The Devil's whore from Washington.
Martha: Yeah...I'm really the Devil's whore from Bethesda.
Martha: Really? How would I be referred to in your parents' house?
Harriet: The Devil's whore from Washington.
Martha: Yeah...I'm really the Devil's whore from Bethesda.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip