Ted Quotes
Narrator: Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.
Movie: Ted
Ted: [while being carried inside a bag]Oh, I hear the fat kid running! I bet it's hilarious!
Movie: Ted
[from trailer][thunder is heard outside]Lori: I don't - I don't understand. I really don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder?
John: I am not! [Ted comes running into the bed]
Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
John: Fucking right.
Ted: Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.
John: Alright.
John ,
Ted: [singing]When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts! [blow raspberries]
John: I am not! [Ted comes running into the bed]
Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
John: Fucking right.
Ted: Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.
John: Alright.
John ,
Ted: [singing]When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts! [blow raspberries]
Movie: Ted
[from trailer]Ted: I met a girl; she's a cashier.
John: No way! That's awesome! We should fuckin' double date or something, you, me and Lori and w-what's her name?
Ted: White trash name. Guess.
John: Mandy.
Ted: Nope.
John: Marilyn.
Ted: Nope.
John: Brittany?
Ted: Nope.
John: Tiffany.
Ted: Nope.
John: Candace.
Ted: Nope.
John: Don't fuck with me on this! I know this shit!
Ted: Do you see me fuckin' with you? I'm completely serious.
John: Alright, speed round. I'm gonna rattle off some names, and when I hit it, you fuckin' buzz it, okay? You got me?
Ted: You do it. I will tell you. Yeah.
John: Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fuckin' *Becky*?
Ted: No.
John: Wait; was it any of those names with a Lynn after it?
Ted: *Yes*.
John: Oh, I got you, motherfucker! I got you! [Ted laughs]
John: Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn...
Ted: Tami-Lynn.
John: [Exasperated]*Fuck*!
John: No way! That's awesome! We should fuckin' double date or something, you, me and Lori and w-what's her name?
Ted: White trash name. Guess.
John: Mandy.
Ted: Nope.
John: Marilyn.
Ted: Nope.
John: Brittany?
Ted: Nope.
John: Tiffany.
Ted: Nope.
John: Candace.
Ted: Nope.
John: Don't fuck with me on this! I know this shit!
Ted: Do you see me fuckin' with you? I'm completely serious.
John: Alright, speed round. I'm gonna rattle off some names, and when I hit it, you fuckin' buzz it, okay? You got me?
Ted: You do it. I will tell you. Yeah.
John: Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fuckin' *Becky*?
Ted: No.
John: Wait; was it any of those names with a Lynn after it?
Ted: *Yes*.
John: Oh, I got you, motherfucker! I got you! [Ted laughs]
John: Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn...
Ted: Tami-Lynn.
John: [Exasperated]*Fuck*!
Movie: Ted
Ted: [Ted and Tami-Lynn grunting and moaning]Stick your finger in the loop of my tag!
Frank: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public.
Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And a sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.
Ted: You got a lot of problems, don't ya?
Frank: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public.
Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And a sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.
Ted: You got a lot of problems, don't ya?
Movie: Ted
John: We have been dating for four years tomorrow.
Ted: Fuck me! Nice!
John: Let me ask you something. You don't think she's gonna be expecting something big, do you?
Ted: What? Like anal?
Ted: Fuck me! Nice!
John: Let me ask you something. You don't think she's gonna be expecting something big, do you?
Ted: What? Like anal?
Movie: Ted
Narrator: No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.
Movie: Ted
Ted: Oh look Johnny, if we're ever gonna get serious about openin' a restaurant we gotta start plannin' it now.
John: Italian.
Ted: Italian, yes.
John: What's the special on Tuesdays?
Ted: Eggplant parm.
John: Chopped salad half price.
Ted: And it's a non-restricted place.
John: Yeah. Wait, whaddaya mean?
Ted: Anybody can come.
John: Of course.
Ted: Jews are welcome.
John: Well yeah, I mean why wouldn't they be?
Ted: Exactly, that's what I'm saying.
John: Yeah, but why even bring that up?
Ted: You don't bring it up. You just let 'em in.
John: So why mention it?
Ted: No one will.
John: So why are we talking about it?
Ted: You're talkin' about it, I'm just sayin' let 'em in.
John: Yeah, let 'em in.
Ted: Exactly.
John: Right.
Ted: Good.
John: Okay.
Ted: No Mexicans, though.
John: Italian.
Ted: Italian, yes.
John: What's the special on Tuesdays?
Ted: Eggplant parm.
John: Chopped salad half price.
Ted: And it's a non-restricted place.
John: Yeah. Wait, whaddaya mean?
Ted: Anybody can come.
John: Of course.
Ted: Jews are welcome.
John: Well yeah, I mean why wouldn't they be?
Ted: Exactly, that's what I'm saying.
John: Yeah, but why even bring that up?
Ted: You don't bring it up. You just let 'em in.
John: So why mention it?
Ted: No one will.
John: So why are we talking about it?
Ted: You're talkin' about it, I'm just sayin' let 'em in.
John: Yeah, let 'em in.
Ted: Exactly.
John: Right.
Ted: Good.
John: Okay.
Ted: No Mexicans, though.
Movie: Ted
Ted: Oh hey listen, try this, I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that. [Ted passes a bong to John]
Ted: .
John: What is this?
Ted: It's called Mind Rape, it's actually pretty mellow.
John: It doesn't sound very mellow.
Ted: Well he only had three other batches: Gorilla Panic, They're coming! They're coming! and something called This Is Permanent... Go on, spark it up!
Ted: .
John: What is this?
Ted: It's called Mind Rape, it's actually pretty mellow.
John: It doesn't sound very mellow.
Ted: Well he only had three other batches: Gorilla Panic, They're coming! They're coming! and something called This Is Permanent... Go on, spark it up!
Movie: Ted
Lori: [Enters apartment and sees Ted and four hookers on the couch watching TV]Oh...
Ted: Lori, hey, you're home early.
Lori: What the hell is this?
Ted: The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill, where Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister, and it's, it's just awful. It's unwatchable, but y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.
Lori: This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?
Ted: Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!
Lori: [Looks down on floor]What is that?
Ted: Wha- what is what?
Lori: There's a... a shit on my floor! In the corner, there is a shit!
Ted: Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy.
Lori: There is a shit on my floor!
Ted: Well, or, or, is the floor on the shit? Is what Kierkegaard would say.
John: [John pokes a lobster head from out the door]Rawr!
Ted: Hahaha!
John: Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here! You owe me lobster money!
Ted: Ahahaha! That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it.
John: [Enters the apartment]I found my phone. What's going on. [John suddenly looks down on the floor]
John: Is that a shit? [Lori looks at John]
Ted: Lori, hey, you're home early.
Lori: What the hell is this?
Ted: The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill, where Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister, and it's, it's just awful. It's unwatchable, but y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.
Lori: This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?
Ted: Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!
Lori: [Looks down on floor]What is that?
Ted: Wha- what is what?
Lori: There's a... a shit on my floor! In the corner, there is a shit!
Ted: Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy.
Lori: There is a shit on my floor!
Ted: Well, or, or, is the floor on the shit? Is what Kierkegaard would say.
John: [John pokes a lobster head from out the door]Rawr!
Ted: Hahaha!
John: Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here! You owe me lobster money!
Ted: Ahahaha! That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it.
John: [Enters the apartment]I found my phone. What's going on. [John suddenly looks down on the floor]
John: Is that a shit? [Lori looks at John]
Movie: Ted
Frank: You think you got what it takes?
Ted: I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.
Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.
Frank: You're hired.
Ted: Shit.
Ted: I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.
Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.
Frank: You're hired.
Ted: Shit.
Movie: Ted
[last lines, as Ted and Sam Jones do a flash jump after John and Lori's wedding]Narrator: And that's the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three very special friends. [footage of Ted and Tami-Lynn on their double date with John and Lori]
Narrator: Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite some time. One afternoon Ted was caught behind the deli counter eating potato salad off of Tami- Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly promoted to store manager. [footage of Sam Jones walking toward John at Ted's party]
Narrator: Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood with the goal of restarting his film career. He currently resides in Burbank where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate Brandon Routh. [photo of Brandon Routh]
Narrator: Remember Brandon Routh from that godawful Superman movie? Jesus Christ. Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us. [footage of Rex at the office]
Narrator: Rex gave up his pursuit of Lori. Not long after he fell into a deep depression and died of Lou Gehrig's disease. [footage of Donny dancing in his living room]
Narrator: Donny was arrested by Boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded. [footage of Robert in his bedroom]
Narrator: Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become Taylor Lautner. [photo of Taylor Lautner]
Narrator: Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite some time. One afternoon Ted was caught behind the deli counter eating potato salad off of Tami- Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly promoted to store manager. [footage of Sam Jones walking toward John at Ted's party]
Narrator: Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood with the goal of restarting his film career. He currently resides in Burbank where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate Brandon Routh. [photo of Brandon Routh]
Narrator: Remember Brandon Routh from that godawful Superman movie? Jesus Christ. Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us. [footage of Rex at the office]
Narrator: Rex gave up his pursuit of Lori. Not long after he fell into a deep depression and died of Lou Gehrig's disease. [footage of Donny dancing in his living room]
Narrator: Donny was arrested by Boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded. [footage of Robert in his bedroom]
Narrator: Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become Taylor Lautner. [photo of Taylor Lautner]
Movie: Ted
John: Ted!
Ted: I'm alive, Johnny!
John: Oh, my God!
Ted: I'm alive. Your magical wish worked!
John: You're back!
Ted: Yeah, I mean, when you sewed me up you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever? [starts laughing]
Ted: I'm just kidding you. I thought it would be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded.
John: You asshole!
Ted: Come here, you bastard. Ha-ha! Ah!
Lori: Welcome back, Ted.
John: It was you. You did it.
Ted: Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back.
Lori: No, no, no. I wished for my life back.
Ted: I'm alive, Johnny!
John: Oh, my God!
Ted: I'm alive. Your magical wish worked!
John: You're back!
Ted: Yeah, I mean, when you sewed me up you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever? [starts laughing]
Ted: I'm just kidding you. I thought it would be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded.
John: You asshole!
Ted: Come here, you bastard. Ha-ha! Ah!
Lori: Welcome back, Ted.
John: It was you. You did it.
Ted: Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back.
Lori: No, no, no. I wished for my life back.
Movie: Ted
Lori: Can I give you a ride home?
John: No thanks, I'll walk. I might get raped but if I do I'll know it's my fault because of what I'm wearing.
John: No thanks, I'll walk. I might get raped but if I do I'll know it's my fault because of what I'm wearing.
Movie: Ted
John: [Imitating Ted]Hey Johnny, I just had a great idea. Let's go get drunk and puke on cars on the overpass.
Ted: Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!
Ted: Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!
Movie: Ted
Ted: All right, kid, you win. We'll do it your way. What do you want to do? You want to play a game? It's playtime, right? We'll play a game.
Robert: Yeah, I want to play a game.
Ted: Good, good. Uh, all right. Let's see. How about... How about we play a little game of hide and seek?
Robert: I love hide and seek. I'll hide.
Ted: Wait now, hang on a sec, there. Your dad likes you to show good manners. Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?
Robert: Okay, you hide first.
Ted: Great. Fantastic. Okay, now you count to a hundred, and then you try to find me, okay?
Robert: Okay. Uh, do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?
Ted: No. That's a weird fucking question. No, just start counting.
Robert: Yeah, I want to play a game.
Ted: Good, good. Uh, all right. Let's see. How about... How about we play a little game of hide and seek?
Robert: I love hide and seek. I'll hide.
Ted: Wait now, hang on a sec, there. Your dad likes you to show good manners. Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?
Robert: Okay, you hide first.
Ted: Great. Fantastic. Okay, now you count to a hundred, and then you try to find me, okay?
Robert: Okay. Uh, do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?
Ted: No. That's a weird fucking question. No, just start counting.
Movie: Ted
[from trailer]Ted: [dressed in a suit and tie]I look stupid.
John: No, you don't, you look dapper.
Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.
John: No, you don't, you look dapper.
Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.
Movie: Ted
[Norah Jones is in her dressing room preparing a drink when Ted and John arrive]Ted: Hey, play 'Chopsticks', you jazzy slut!
Norah Jones: Teddy!
Ted: Hahaha! How are you?
Norah Jones: [Hugs Ted]How are you, you fuzzy asshole?
Ted: Well, you know I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who sold over 37 million records, but I'm hanging in there.
Norah Jones: Well, half-Indian, but... thanks.
Ted: Hey, whatever. Thanks for 9/11. Hey listen - I want you to meet a good pal of mine, all right? John Bennett, Norah Jones.
John: [Approaches Norah to shake her hand]Hi, hi, Norah Jones.
Norah Jones: Hey. Hey there, sweaty. [wipes hand on her dress]
Norah Jones: Um, you ready to bring down the house?
John: Yes, ma'am. Yeah, thank you for the opportunity. Miss... Ma'am Jones, I... thank you.
Ted: Jesus, you look fantastic.
Norah Jones: Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.
Ted: [laughs]Yeah, I know, right? You mean... me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle's house. And we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coat room.
Norah Jones: Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis.
Ted: Yeah, you know, I've written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.
Norah Jones: Teddy!
Ted: Hahaha! How are you?
Norah Jones: [Hugs Ted]How are you, you fuzzy asshole?
Ted: Well, you know I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who sold over 37 million records, but I'm hanging in there.
Norah Jones: Well, half-Indian, but... thanks.
Ted: Hey, whatever. Thanks for 9/11. Hey listen - I want you to meet a good pal of mine, all right? John Bennett, Norah Jones.
John: [Approaches Norah to shake her hand]Hi, hi, Norah Jones.
Norah Jones: Hey. Hey there, sweaty. [wipes hand on her dress]
Norah Jones: Um, you ready to bring down the house?
John: Yes, ma'am. Yeah, thank you for the opportunity. Miss... Ma'am Jones, I... thank you.
Ted: Jesus, you look fantastic.
Norah Jones: Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.
Ted: [laughs]Yeah, I know, right? You mean... me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle's house. And we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coat room.
Norah Jones: Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis.
Ted: Yeah, you know, I've written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.
Movie: Ted
[Ted drives John's car out of the car rental lot, nearly hitting another car in front of him]Driver: Asshole!
Ted: That's my bad, I was sending a Tweet.
Ted: That's my bad, I was sending a Tweet.
Movie: Ted
Johnny Carson: You know I thought you'd be taller.
Young Ted: I thought *you* were gonna be funnier.
Young Ted: I thought *you* were gonna be funnier.
Movie: Ted
Sam J. Jones: We are gonna party like the '80s.
Ted: Show us how, Flash.
Sam J. Jones: It's easy. We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.
Ted: Oh Johnny, I got so much energy. We gotta start doing stupid shit.
Ted: Show us how, Flash.
Sam J. Jones: It's easy. We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.
Ted: Oh Johnny, I got so much energy. We gotta start doing stupid shit.
Movie: Ted
Robert: Stand up straight when you're talking to me.
John: Why the fuck would he say that?
Donny: Sorry, you really shouldn't swear in front of children.
John: Why the fuck would he say that?
Donny: Sorry, you really shouldn't swear in front of children.
Movie: Ted