Ted Quotes
John: I don't know that you wanna go to a drug dealer with complaints.
Ted: No. I know this guy a long time. I've known him since 9-11. You remember? I was, like, Oh, shit, 9-11, I gotta get high.
Ted: No. I know this guy a long time. I've known him since 9-11. You remember? I was, like, Oh, shit, 9-11, I gotta get high.
Movie: Ted
John: Can you call my cellphone?
Lori: Yeah [Lori calls John's phone which plays The Imperial March]
Lori: Is that my ringtone? What is that? Cause it sounds really negative.
John: No. I-it's from The Notebook
Lori: Yeah [Lori calls John's phone which plays The Imperial March]
Lori: Is that my ringtone? What is that? Cause it sounds really negative.
John: No. I-it's from The Notebook
Movie: Ted
Southern Newscaster: [regarding Ted coming to life]Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!
Movie: Ted
[Donny is pursuing Ted up the tower of Fenway Park, trying to grab him]Donny: You're mine now, Ted.
Ted: Screw you, pal. I belong to John Bennett.
Donny: I can give you love and rocking horses and dancing.
Ted: I think we're very far apart on this.
Ted: Screw you, pal. I belong to John Bennett.
Donny: I can give you love and rocking horses and dancing.
Ted: I think we're very far apart on this.
Movie: Ted
Lori: So, Tami-Lynn, why don't you... tell us a little bit about yourself, like where you're from? I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends.
Tami-Lynn: What do you mean, 'girlfriends'? [Looking at Ted]
Tami-Lynn: What's it like a lot of 'em or somethin'?
Ted: N-no, that's not what she meant at all. Right, Lori? You didn't mean that.
Lori: No, what I meant to say was Ted's very handsome, so I'm always interested in meeting the ladies that can snatch him up.
Tami-Lynn: Did you just call me a whore?
Lori: What?
Tami-Lynn: You just worry about your own snatch. How about that, honey?
Ted ,
John: Whoa!
John: What the hell happened? We're having a friendly meal.
Ted: Yeah, this was a nice evening.
Tami-Lynn: Don't talk shit to me.
Lori: I just asked you a question.
Tami-Lynn: You know, you're a frickin' snob. You think you're all cool, 'cause you work at some fuckin' fancy shit place? Whatever.
Ted: Take it easy. [Looks at Lori]
Ted: Nice, Lori. Real nice.
Lori: Me? It's not my fault she can't speak English.
Tami-Lynn: [Gets up]Oh fuck you! Just 'cause you're on the business world and shit, you think what, everybody should suck your asshole or somethin'?
Ted: [Grabs Tami-Lynn's hand to calm her down]Okay, all right. Tami-Lynn, come on, honey. Let's get out of here. We'll go back to my place for a couple of Vodka and Strawberry Quiks, all right? Come on.
Tami-Lynn: You know what? I gave birth once, bitch! I can kick your fuckin' ass! And you better never should you show your face around Quincy, you hear me? Ever!
Ted: Okay, okay, come on. Come on. [Ted and Tami-Lynn walk out of the restaurant]
Ted: I didn't know you had a baby. Is it alive?
Tami-Lynn: What do you mean, 'girlfriends'? [Looking at Ted]
Tami-Lynn: What's it like a lot of 'em or somethin'?
Ted: N-no, that's not what she meant at all. Right, Lori? You didn't mean that.
Lori: No, what I meant to say was Ted's very handsome, so I'm always interested in meeting the ladies that can snatch him up.
Tami-Lynn: Did you just call me a whore?
Lori: What?
Tami-Lynn: You just worry about your own snatch. How about that, honey?
Ted ,
John: Whoa!
John: What the hell happened? We're having a friendly meal.
Ted: Yeah, this was a nice evening.
Tami-Lynn: Don't talk shit to me.
Lori: I just asked you a question.
Tami-Lynn: You know, you're a frickin' snob. You think you're all cool, 'cause you work at some fuckin' fancy shit place? Whatever.
Ted: Take it easy. [Looks at Lori]
Ted: Nice, Lori. Real nice.
Lori: Me? It's not my fault she can't speak English.
Tami-Lynn: [Gets up]Oh fuck you! Just 'cause you're on the business world and shit, you think what, everybody should suck your asshole or somethin'?
Ted: [Grabs Tami-Lynn's hand to calm her down]Okay, all right. Tami-Lynn, come on, honey. Let's get out of here. We'll go back to my place for a couple of Vodka and Strawberry Quiks, all right? Come on.
Tami-Lynn: You know what? I gave birth once, bitch! I can kick your fuckin' ass! And you better never should you show your face around Quincy, you hear me? Ever!
Ted: Okay, okay, come on. Come on. [Ted and Tami-Lynn walk out of the restaurant]
Ted: I didn't know you had a baby. Is it alive?
Movie: Ted
Robert: You can't have my Teddy bear! [Charges John and Lori at full speed. John punches him in the nose, knocking him unconscious to the ground]
Lori: Jesus!
John: I'm sorry, but somebody had to go all Joan Crawford on his ass!
Lori: Jesus!
John: I'm sorry, but somebody had to go all Joan Crawford on his ass!
Movie: Ted
[Norah Jones returns to the stage after an intermission]Norah Jones: Thank you. So I'm gonna give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage. He's gonna sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much. Please, give a big hand... to John Bennett! [John enters the stage and waves at the crowd]
Lori: Oh... my God.
Rex: Holy... shit. [John attempts to shake Norah's hand, but she smacks his bottom on her way toward the piano. John approaches the microphone]
Ted: I gotta fuck her again.
John: Um, hiya. My name is John Bennett, and this is for Lori Collins, 'cause I love you. You know, this song reminds me of the most important night in my life... the night we met. Uh, this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy. [Norah plays the saxophone and piano to start the song]
John: [singing off-key]All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two / Had no intention to do the things we've done...
Ted: Still better than Katy Perry.
John: [singing off-key]Funny how it always goes with love, when you don't look, you find / But then we're two of a kind / [raises voice]
John: We move as one / We're an all-time high...
Rex: You suck! Get off the stage - Oh, c'mon, give him a chance! [Crowd boos John as he continues to sing]
Angry fan: You're an asshole! [Angry fan jumps off the guard rail and runs toward John, but John knocks him out with the microphone stand, sending him crashing off the stage]
Norah Jones: Oh Jesus! [Security escorts John off the stage as other personnel surround the injured fan]
Lori: Oh... my God.
Rex: Holy... shit. [John attempts to shake Norah's hand, but she smacks his bottom on her way toward the piano. John approaches the microphone]
Ted: I gotta fuck her again.
John: Um, hiya. My name is John Bennett, and this is for Lori Collins, 'cause I love you. You know, this song reminds me of the most important night in my life... the night we met. Uh, this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy. [Norah plays the saxophone and piano to start the song]
John: [singing off-key]All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two / Had no intention to do the things we've done...
Ted: Still better than Katy Perry.
John: [singing off-key]Funny how it always goes with love, when you don't look, you find / But then we're two of a kind / [raises voice]
John: We move as one / We're an all-time high...
Rex: You suck! Get off the stage - Oh, c'mon, give him a chance! [Crowd boos John as he continues to sing]
Angry fan: You're an asshole! [Angry fan jumps off the guard rail and runs toward John, but John knocks him out with the microphone stand, sending him crashing off the stage]
Norah Jones: Oh Jesus! [Security escorts John off the stage as other personnel surround the injured fan]
Movie: Ted
John: Plus! A hooker took a shit in our apartment! [Flashback to earlier]
Lori: OH GOD!
John: WHAT?
Lori: This is so gross!
John: Did you get it yet?
Lori: NO! I didn't get it yet!
John: Tell me when you get it!
Lori: OH MY GOD! I got some of it on my thumb!
John: NO! You will never be able to cook with that thumb again!
Lori: OH MY GOD! This is the most disgusting thing ever!
John: NO! Get it away from me!
Lori: OH GOD!
John: WHAT?
Lori: This is so gross!
John: Did you get it yet?
Lori: NO! I didn't get it yet!
John: Tell me when you get it!
Lori: OH MY GOD! I got some of it on my thumb!
John: NO! You will never be able to cook with that thumb again!
Lori: OH MY GOD! This is the most disgusting thing ever!
John: NO! Get it away from me!
Movie: Ted
Ted: Look, all I'm saying is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life.
John: That's bullshit. What about Lori? She's hot.
Ted: No, Lori's from Pennsylvania. That's not a Boston girl.
John: They're not that bad.
Ted: See, the fact that you have to say they're not that bad means that they are that bad. Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm? [in exaggerated Bostonian]
Ted: Oh, yah! Oh, yah! Hahder! Hahder! Oh, god, that was so good. Now I'm going to stuff my fucking face with Pepperidge Farm.
John: That's bullshit. What about Lori? She's hot.
Ted: No, Lori's from Pennsylvania. That's not a Boston girl.
John: They're not that bad.
Ted: See, the fact that you have to say they're not that bad means that they are that bad. Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm? [in exaggerated Bostonian]
Ted: Oh, yah! Oh, yah! Hahder! Hahder! Oh, god, that was so good. Now I'm going to stuff my fucking face with Pepperidge Farm.
Movie: Ted
Donny: I have to say, I've been following you ever since I was a young boy and, uh... I remember seeing you on the Carson Show and... you were just wonderful.
Ted: Oh, yeah that was uh... that was weird ineterview: Ed thought I was ALF and he kept muttering anti semitic comments... he thought ALF was Jewish for some reason...
Donny: Hey-hey um... Have you ever considered selling the bear?
John: What?
Ted: Excuse me?
Robert: I want it.
Ted: [defensively]Hey, I'm not an it, pal! I'm a he, alright?
John: [Stammers and stands up; he speaks in a calm tone]I'm sorry little guy, but my bear isn't for sale. See, I've had him since I was about your age. He's very, very special to me.
Robert: Stand up straight when you're talking to me!
John: [Dumbfounded]Why the fuck would he say that?
Ted: Oh, yeah that was uh... that was weird ineterview: Ed thought I was ALF and he kept muttering anti semitic comments... he thought ALF was Jewish for some reason...
Donny: Hey-hey um... Have you ever considered selling the bear?
John: What?
Ted: Excuse me?
Robert: I want it.
Ted: [defensively]Hey, I'm not an it, pal! I'm a he, alright?
John: [Stammers and stands up; he speaks in a calm tone]I'm sorry little guy, but my bear isn't for sale. See, I've had him since I was about your age. He's very, very special to me.
Robert: Stand up straight when you're talking to me!
John: [Dumbfounded]Why the fuck would he say that?
Movie: Ted
Ted: [sigh]Look, John... loves you very much. More than anything in the world, and he's... fallin' to fuckin' pieces without ya. Y'know, he knows he screwed up huge, but, you gotta believe me: it wasn't all his fault... Alright? I told him to bale on you, that night at Rex's. And he said, No.... He said, No. He was gonna stay there with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori... I promise, I will leave and I will never come back. Alright? He'll be all yours.
Lori: Ted, that's a really nice offer, but I don't want you to do that... This is between John and me, and... I don't think it can be fixed...
Ted: Yeah, because o' me! Look, look, Lori, you want him to be a man... Alright? But, as long as he's got his teddy bear... he's always gonna be a boy... He's waitin' down at Charlie's right now. So, if you go down there, and just talk to him... I'll be gone when you get back... forever. And... you'll see... He'll never be scared of thunder again.
Lori: Ted, that's a really nice offer, but I don't want you to do that... This is between John and me, and... I don't think it can be fixed...
Ted: Yeah, because o' me! Look, look, Lori, you want him to be a man... Alright? But, as long as he's got his teddy bear... he's always gonna be a boy... He's waitin' down at Charlie's right now. So, if you go down there, and just talk to him... I'll be gone when you get back... forever. And... you'll see... He'll never be scared of thunder again.
Movie: Ted
Guy: He's been going out for four years. My longest relationship was, like, six months, and then she farted in her sleep. I'm like: I'm out of here, man, and I was gone before she woke up.
Movie: Ted
[Rex escorts John to the second floor of his house, showing off all of his expensive memorabilia]Rex: This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat. I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at an auction.
John: Wow, cool.
Rex: Yeah, cool. [Pointing at boxing gloves on display]
Rex: These boxing gloves worn by Joe Louis in his first fight. [Stops and points at abstract painting]
Rex: This is art. Get it? [John shrugs]
Rex: [Pointing at glasses on display]These were John Lennon's glasses. They're worth like a million dollars. [pointing at a photo frame]
Rex: That's me and Tom Skerritt. Oh, check this out. [They stop in front of a display]
Rex: This is Lance Armstrong's nut. I had it freeze-dried and bronzed. Every now and then, when life's getting me down and things are tough, I just come up here... and look at that. It reminds me that... things aren't so bad.
John: Sometimes you feel like a nut.
Rex: [Looks at John]Sometimes you don't. [They both walk to the bar]
Rex: So, talk to me, Jonny Quest, how are things with you and Lori?
John: You know, things are great, actually.
Rex: Oh that's great. That is great.
John: You know, uh, Lori would hate me for saying this, but, she told me how you are at the office. And as one gentleman to another, I just wanna say I really hope you fucking get Lou Gehrig's disease.
Rex: [Giggles]Well, uh, let me, uh, let me get to clear the air a little. I mean, yeah, I'm kind of a fun time boss and whatnot. But look, man, I do that with everyone at the office. I'm a kook. I have no desires on your girlfriend. We work together, and that's it. You know, I think you're a great guy, and she's a very lucky girl.
John: Well that's good to hear.
Rex: Yeah.
John: Wow, cool.
Rex: Yeah, cool. [Pointing at boxing gloves on display]
Rex: These boxing gloves worn by Joe Louis in his first fight. [Stops and points at abstract painting]
Rex: This is art. Get it? [John shrugs]
Rex: [Pointing at glasses on display]These were John Lennon's glasses. They're worth like a million dollars. [pointing at a photo frame]
Rex: That's me and Tom Skerritt. Oh, check this out. [They stop in front of a display]
Rex: This is Lance Armstrong's nut. I had it freeze-dried and bronzed. Every now and then, when life's getting me down and things are tough, I just come up here... and look at that. It reminds me that... things aren't so bad.
John: Sometimes you feel like a nut.
Rex: [Looks at John]Sometimes you don't. [They both walk to the bar]
Rex: So, talk to me, Jonny Quest, how are things with you and Lori?
John: You know, things are great, actually.
Rex: Oh that's great. That is great.
John: You know, uh, Lori would hate me for saying this, but, she told me how you are at the office. And as one gentleman to another, I just wanna say I really hope you fucking get Lou Gehrig's disease.
Rex: [Giggles]Well, uh, let me, uh, let me get to clear the air a little. I mean, yeah, I'm kind of a fun time boss and whatnot. But look, man, I do that with everyone at the office. I'm a kook. I have no desires on your girlfriend. We work together, and that's it. You know, I think you're a great guy, and she's a very lucky girl.
John: Well that's good to hear.
Rex: Yeah.
Movie: Ted
[John gets a phone call from Ted]John: Excuse me. [Walks out of the bar as he answers his phone]
John: Hey, Ted.
Ted: Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here, man!
John: Why? What's going on?
Ted: Okay, so I'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here.
John: What?
Ted: Sam Jones, Flash Fucking Gordon is here.
John: Holy shit! What?
Ted: You remember I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in town with his cousin. And who do you think is with him? Sam Jones. Sam Jones is here. And John, his hair is parted down the middle.
John: Just like in the movie.
Ted: Yes. Get over here, right now.
John: [Whispers]Fuck, I can't! I'm with Lori here. I'm already on probation. I just... I can't.
Ted: John, Flash Gordon was the most important figure of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil. And that the word 'acting' apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.
John: [Breathing heavily]I'm coming. [John runs back to the bar]
John: Rex, I gotta go. Look, I'll be back in like 30 minutes, tops, okay? But Lori cannot find out. She absolutely cannot know I was gone. If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other shit.
Rex: I got your back on this. She won't know. I've been there.
John: Alright, this is one man to another. I don't really know you, but I'm trusting you as a man. This is serious.
Rex: Dude, one man to another, I got you on this.
John: Thank you. I'll be back. [John runs out to Lori's car]
Rex: I'm gonna have sex with your girlfriend.
John: Hey, Ted.
Ted: Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here, man!
John: Why? What's going on?
Ted: Okay, so I'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here.
John: What?
Ted: Sam Jones, Flash Fucking Gordon is here.
John: Holy shit! What?
Ted: You remember I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in town with his cousin. And who do you think is with him? Sam Jones. Sam Jones is here. And John, his hair is parted down the middle.
John: Just like in the movie.
Ted: Yes. Get over here, right now.
John: [Whispers]Fuck, I can't! I'm with Lori here. I'm already on probation. I just... I can't.
Ted: John, Flash Gordon was the most important figure of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil. And that the word 'acting' apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.
John: [Breathing heavily]I'm coming. [John runs back to the bar]
John: Rex, I gotta go. Look, I'll be back in like 30 minutes, tops, okay? But Lori cannot find out. She absolutely cannot know I was gone. If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other shit.
Rex: I got your back on this. She won't know. I've been there.
John: Alright, this is one man to another. I don't really know you, but I'm trusting you as a man. This is serious.
Rex: Dude, one man to another, I got you on this.
John: Thank you. I'll be back. [John runs out to Lori's car]
Rex: I'm gonna have sex with your girlfriend.
Movie: Ted
[Sam pours tequila shots and hands them to John and Ted]John: Thanks, Flash.
Sam J. Jones: There you go, my friend.
Ted: Thank you.
Sam J. Jones: [Offering a toast]Death to Ming!
John: Haha!
Ted: Yes! [the trio down their shots]
Sam J. Jones: Oh, you guys seem pretty cool. You like to party? [Rubs nose]
Sam J. Jones: [Blank stare at John and Ted's faces before they look at each other]
Ted: Uh, cocaine, right?
Sam J. Jones: Come on, dudes! Don't tell me you've never done it before.
John: Well, uh, well not recently, no.
Ted: I thought that was just for people in Florida.
Sam J. Jones: You better follow me. Come on. [Sam walks away]
Ted: Johnny, I'm frightened.
Sam J. Jones: There you go, my friend.
Ted: Thank you.
Sam J. Jones: [Offering a toast]Death to Ming!
John: Haha!
Ted: Yes! [the trio down their shots]
Sam J. Jones: Oh, you guys seem pretty cool. You like to party? [Rubs nose]
Sam J. Jones: [Blank stare at John and Ted's faces before they look at each other]
Ted: Uh, cocaine, right?
Sam J. Jones: Come on, dudes! Don't tell me you've never done it before.
John: Well, uh, well not recently, no.
Ted: I thought that was just for people in Florida.
Sam J. Jones: You better follow me. Come on. [Sam walks away]
Ted: Johnny, I'm frightened.
Movie: Ted
Ted: [Finishing ringing up a customer at his check-out line]There we go. Thank you very much. Please come again. We have a lot more groceries. [Ted turns around and sits down. He notices Tami-Lynn on the other end of the check-out counter]
Ted: Hey, uh, hey Ellen.
Ellen: Yeah?
Ted: Who's that over there?
Ellen: [Turns around to see Tami-Lynn before turning back to Ted]Oh, that's the new check-out girl. Don't know her name, seems cute.
Ted: Yeah, very cute. Do you know what I'd like to do to her? Something I call a Dirty Fozzie. [Ted gets up on his counter and waves at Tami-Lynn, who smiles and waves back at him. They blow kisses at each other. He dry-humps the credit card machine, making her giggle. He then simulates oral sex with a Snickers bar, making her laugh further. Ted then squirts bottles of lotion on his face to simulate bukkake, causing her to stare blankly at him]
Ted: Okay, all right, so that's where we'll draw the line.
Ted: Hey, uh, hey Ellen.
Ellen: Yeah?
Ted: Who's that over there?
Ellen: [Turns around to see Tami-Lynn before turning back to Ted]Oh, that's the new check-out girl. Don't know her name, seems cute.
Ted: Yeah, very cute. Do you know what I'd like to do to her? Something I call a Dirty Fozzie. [Ted gets up on his counter and waves at Tami-Lynn, who smiles and waves back at him. They blow kisses at each other. He dry-humps the credit card machine, making her giggle. He then simulates oral sex with a Snickers bar, making her laugh further. Ted then squirts bottles of lotion on his face to simulate bukkake, causing her to stare blankly at him]
Ted: Okay, all right, so that's where we'll draw the line.
Movie: Ted
Donny: You know Ted, when I was a little boy, I saw you on television. And I thought you were the most amazing, most wonderful thing I'd ever seen, ever. And I asked my dad if I could have a magically little teddy bear, too. And he said, No.
Ted: Can you just email me the rest of this story?
Donny: And I was so heartbroken. And I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever say no to him. Ever.
Ted: Maybe no to a Snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt.
Ted: Can you just email me the rest of this story?
Donny: And I was so heartbroken. And I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever say no to him. Ever.
Ted: Maybe no to a Snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt.
Movie: Ted
Lori: Okay here's a test to see how much you actually care about me. You remember that night after the club, we went and had late night eggs and waffles until about 5am. We watched a movie on a little TV at the diner. Name that movie?
John: Octopussy!
Lori: BABY! Goldstar!
John: Octopussy!
Lori: BABY! Goldstar!
Movie: Ted
Ted: Lori was right about you: you *cannot* take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.
John: Oh, and *you* can?
Ted: I don't *have* to! I'm a fucking *teddy bear*! Y'know somethin'? I didn't tie you up and *drag* you to that party, alright? I *wanted* you to come, because you're *supposedly* my best friend!
John: You can't stand there and tell me havin' been with Lori has always been a threat to our friendship! I mean, it always works out so much better for *you* when we're sittin' around gettin' *fucked* up on the couch till nine am, doesn't it?
Ted: [Scoffs]Listen to yourself. What am I, Emperor Ming here controllin' your mind? That's *your* choice, John! And by blamin' me, you're just makin' yourself look like a pussy.
John: Oh, and *you* can?
Ted: I don't *have* to! I'm a fucking *teddy bear*! Y'know somethin'? I didn't tie you up and *drag* you to that party, alright? I *wanted* you to come, because you're *supposedly* my best friend!
John: You can't stand there and tell me havin' been with Lori has always been a threat to our friendship! I mean, it always works out so much better for *you* when we're sittin' around gettin' *fucked* up on the couch till nine am, doesn't it?
Ted: [Scoffs]Listen to yourself. What am I, Emperor Ming here controllin' your mind? That's *your* choice, John! And by blamin' me, you're just makin' yourself look like a pussy.
Movie: Ted
Sam J. Jones: We are gonna party like the 80s.
Ted: Show us how, Flash!
Sam J. Jones: Easy. We just gonna nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.
Ted: Show us how, Flash!
Sam J. Jones: Easy. We just gonna nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.
Movie: Ted
Lori: Welcome back Ted!
John: It was you!
Ted: Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back!
Lori: No! I wished for my life back.
John: It was you!
Ted: Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back!
Lori: No! I wished for my life back.
Movie: Ted
Ted: [upon seeing all the pictures of himself at Donny and Robert's house]Yeah, it's kind of funny actually. I've got a lot of pictures of you guys at my house.
Movie: Ted