Ted Quotes
Robert: Me and Ted are going to be best friends, Daddy.
Donny: Yes, you are, my little chipmunk. Happy playtime.
Ted: Jesus fucking Christ!
Robert: I said a bad word one time. Daddy punished me for it.
Ted: That's a great story. I felt like I was there.
Robert: Daddy gave me an ouch. Now, I have to give you an ouch. [tears Ted's ear off ]
Donny: Yes, you are, my little chipmunk. Happy playtime.
Ted: Jesus fucking Christ!
Robert: I said a bad word one time. Daddy punished me for it.
Ted: That's a great story. I felt like I was there.
Robert: Daddy gave me an ouch. Now, I have to give you an ouch. [tears Ted's ear off ]
Movie: Ted
Ted: Listen. You got to let me help you make things right with you and Lori.
John: There's no putting things right. She fucking hates me.
Ted: No, John. We can... We can get her back. Look, you remember when you were 10, and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun? And then when we saw it fall from the tree, we both started crying, you remember? And then we ran up to it and we tried to give it CPR, and it came back to life. John, we could do that again.
John: Ted, we crushed its ribcage and blew out its lungs trying to give it CPR. It died.
John: There's no putting things right. She fucking hates me.
Ted: No, John. We can... We can get her back. Look, you remember when you were 10, and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun? And then when we saw it fall from the tree, we both started crying, you remember? And then we ran up to it and we tried to give it CPR, and it came back to life. John, we could do that again.
John: Ted, we crushed its ribcage and blew out its lungs trying to give it CPR. It died.
Movie: Ted
Ted: You know, you're acting like a cock, you know that?
John: What, I'm acting like a cock?
Ted: Yes, you are, so shut your meat hole for a second, and listen to me.
John: Huh?
Ted: Meat hole, huh, wait, that's not right, is it? No, pudding hole is that what they say? No, it can't be right either, because [impersonating Roger Waters]
Ted: you can't have any pudding, if you don't eat your meat! [chuckles]
Ted: Pink Floyd.
John: What, I'm acting like a cock?
Ted: Yes, you are, so shut your meat hole for a second, and listen to me.
John: Huh?
Ted: Meat hole, huh, wait, that's not right, is it? No, pudding hole is that what they say? No, it can't be right either, because [impersonating Roger Waters]
Ted: you can't have any pudding, if you don't eat your meat! [chuckles]
Ted: Pink Floyd.
Movie: Ted
[John rushes to Ted's apartment]Ted: Johnny, thank Christ you made it.
John: Dude, I got 10 minutes. Where's Flash Gordon?
Ted: Okay, get ready. Hey Sam, this is the guy I was telling you about. ['Flash's Theme' plays as John sees Sam Jones turn around and walk toward him. He then imagines a scene from 'Flash Gordon' where they both ride a rocket cycle in the skies of Mongo]
Sam J. Jones: How you doing? [Offers bro fist]
Sam J. Jones: Good to meet you.
John: [Does bro fist with Sam]I thank you for saving every one of us.
Sam J. Jones: You're welcome.
Ted: He acknowledged it!
Sam J. Jones: Let's do some shots.
John: With you?
Ted: Oh my God.
John: Yes! Oh my God, yes!
Ted: Totally, yes!
Sam J. Jones: Let's go!
John: Dude, I got 10 minutes. Where's Flash Gordon?
Ted: Okay, get ready. Hey Sam, this is the guy I was telling you about. ['Flash's Theme' plays as John sees Sam Jones turn around and walk toward him. He then imagines a scene from 'Flash Gordon' where they both ride a rocket cycle in the skies of Mongo]
Sam J. Jones: How you doing? [Offers bro fist]
Sam J. Jones: Good to meet you.
John: [Does bro fist with Sam]I thank you for saving every one of us.
Sam J. Jones: You're welcome.
Ted: He acknowledged it!
Sam J. Jones: Let's do some shots.
John: With you?
Ted: Oh my God.
John: Yes! Oh my God, yes!
Ted: Totally, yes!
Sam J. Jones: Let's go!
Movie: Ted
John: I could have wound up like that Asian guy at Virginia Tech but I didn't because of him. So I'm not that psyched to just, like, kick him out.
Lori: It's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.
Lori: It's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.
Movie: Ted
Lori: [after Tami-Lynn leave after an argument with Lori]What a cunt.
John: [covers his ears]No, I hate that word!
John: [covers his ears]No, I hate that word!
Movie: Ted
Donny: Are you out here all alone?
Ted: Uh, no, no I'm not. Uh, you're never alone, when you're with Christ, so no, I'm not alone.
Ted: Uh, no, no I'm not. Uh, you're never alone, when you're with Christ, so no, I'm not alone.
Movie: Ted
John: [from deleted scene]I could've ended up like that Asian kid at Virginia Tech, but I didn't because of Ted.
Lori: Well it's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.
Lori: Well it's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.
Movie: Ted
Ted: No, see trust me I can do this.
Guy
1: Shut up.
Guy
2: Let him try it, man.
Guy
1: All right. Okay. [Puts his hand on the table with fingers spread out. Ted picks up a knife and starts stabbing the table between Guy
1's fingers as the crowd cheers. Ted stabs faster until he accidentally stabs Guy
1's hand. Crowd gasps as Guy
1 grabs his hand and crashes into the TV stand]
Ted: What?
Guy
1: [Holding his hand where blood is oozing out of the wound]Son of a bitch!
Ted: Well you never should have trusted me. I'm on drugs.
Guy
1: Shut up.
Guy
2: Let him try it, man.
Guy
1: All right. Okay. [Puts his hand on the table with fingers spread out. Ted picks up a knife and starts stabbing the table between Guy
1's fingers as the crowd cheers. Ted stabs faster until he accidentally stabs Guy
1's hand. Crowd gasps as Guy
1 grabs his hand and crashes into the TV stand]
Ted: What?
Guy
1: [Holding his hand where blood is oozing out of the wound]Son of a bitch!
Ted: Well you never should have trusted me. I'm on drugs.
Movie: Ted
[John is in Thomas' office for being late and for Ted damaging one of the rental cars]Thomas: John, it's almost 10: 00.
John: I know, sir. I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault.
Thomas: What do you mean?
John: Why? I, I guess I wasn't really prepared for a follow-up question.
Thomas: John, all you got to do is to not fuck up, and you get my job when I go to Corporate next month. You're the new branch manager. All you got to do is not fuck up.
John: I realize that.
Thomas: Good. Glad to hear. Because in a month, my life could be your life. A cushy, $38,000 a year branch manager who is personal friends with Tom Skeritt? Not a bad life, is it?
John: No.
Thomas: [Taps desk]Let me show you something that I don't like to show people, because I don't want them treating me differently. [Pulls out a picture frame from his top drawer]
Thomas: Lo, that's me and Skeritt.
John: Wow.
Thomas: Goddamn right, wow. [Places picture frame back in drawer]
Thomas: I'm gonna dock you for dinging the car and for showing up late, okay? Try to be a little more responsible tomorrow.
John: I will, sir. I promise. [as Thomas writes the disciplinary report, John points at him with both hands]
John: [Impersonating Tom Skeritt]Not gonna let you down, Goose.
Thomas: What?
John: Top Gun.
Thomas: So?
John: Tom Skeritt.
Thomas: I know that. Get out of here, okay?
John: Thank you, sir.
John: I know, sir. I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault.
Thomas: What do you mean?
John: Why? I, I guess I wasn't really prepared for a follow-up question.
Thomas: John, all you got to do is to not fuck up, and you get my job when I go to Corporate next month. You're the new branch manager. All you got to do is not fuck up.
John: I realize that.
Thomas: Good. Glad to hear. Because in a month, my life could be your life. A cushy, $38,000 a year branch manager who is personal friends with Tom Skeritt? Not a bad life, is it?
John: No.
Thomas: [Taps desk]Let me show you something that I don't like to show people, because I don't want them treating me differently. [Pulls out a picture frame from his top drawer]
Thomas: Lo, that's me and Skeritt.
John: Wow.
Thomas: Goddamn right, wow. [Places picture frame back in drawer]
Thomas: I'm gonna dock you for dinging the car and for showing up late, okay? Try to be a little more responsible tomorrow.
John: I will, sir. I promise. [as Thomas writes the disciplinary report, John points at him with both hands]
John: [Impersonating Tom Skeritt]Not gonna let you down, Goose.
Thomas: What?
John: Top Gun.
Thomas: So?
John: Tom Skeritt.
Thomas: I know that. Get out of here, okay?
John: Thank you, sir.
Movie: Ted