The Andy Griffith Show Quotes
Andy Taylor: [Showing Rafe different medical tools] This is a stethoscope. Know what it does?
Rafe Hollister: Naw.
Andy Taylor: It lets you hear your heartbeat. Wanna hear your heartbeat?
Rafe Hollister: What for... I know my hearts beatin'
Andy Taylor: Well I know but...
Rafe Hollister: I'm alive ain't I?
Andy Taylor: Well yah but...
Rafe Hollister: Well then my hearts beatin'!
Andy Taylor: Just listen to it. [Puts the stethoscope on Rafe's ears and the mic to his heart]
Andy Taylor: See...? Now listen to mine. [Moves the mic to his own chest]
Andy Taylor: See, ain't that somethin'?
Rafe Hollister: All right, now we know we're BOTH alive!
Rafe Hollister: Naw.
Andy Taylor: It lets you hear your heartbeat. Wanna hear your heartbeat?
Rafe Hollister: What for... I know my hearts beatin'
Andy Taylor: Well I know but...
Rafe Hollister: I'm alive ain't I?
Andy Taylor: Well yah but...
Rafe Hollister: Well then my hearts beatin'!
Andy Taylor: Just listen to it. [Puts the stethoscope on Rafe's ears and the mic to his heart]
Andy Taylor: See...? Now listen to mine. [Moves the mic to his own chest]
Andy Taylor: See, ain't that somethin'?
Rafe Hollister: All right, now we know we're BOTH alive!
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Andy Taylor: Well, I caught him earlier on a 10-17.
John Masters: Dipping a hat in a horse trough?
Andy Taylor: Yeah.
John Masters: Dipping a hat in a horse trough?
Andy Taylor: Yeah.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Barney Fife: [Barney is writing a song, doesn't know Andy is standing behind him, sung to the tune of Clementine] In a jailhouse/down in dixie/fighting crime and risking lives/live a sheriff/ and his buddy pistol packing Barny Fife. Oh my daring/oh my daring/ oh my daring Barney Fife/He's a deadly crime stopper/what a copper Barney Fife. Then one day there/came a ridin'/two bad men to rob a bank. But Fife was tricky/a deadeye dickie/now they're locked up in the tank....
Andy Taylor: ...Oh my Barney/Oh my Barney/had a jail but couldn't lock it/had one bullet for his pistol/had to keep it in his pocket
Andy Taylor: ...Oh my Barney/Oh my Barney/had a jail but couldn't lock it/had one bullet for his pistol/had to keep it in his pocket
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Barney Fife: [Andy and Barney are watching a sign painter] Ain't he got chicken spelled wrong?
Andy Taylor: No, it's right.
Barney Fife: You sure?
Andy Taylor: Yeah, it's i before e except after c and e before n in chicken.
Barney Fife: [chuckles] Oh yeah, I always forget that rule.
Andy Taylor: No, it's right.
Barney Fife: You sure?
Andy Taylor: Yeah, it's i before e except after c and e before n in chicken.
Barney Fife: [chuckles] Oh yeah, I always forget that rule.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Goober Pyle: Hey, Andy
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Hi, Goob
Goober Pyle: I got Aunt Bee's car in tip-top shape.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh, good.
Goober Pyle: What are you doin' with a Raleigh paper?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Readin' it.
Goober Pyle: Andy, that's yesterday's paper.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I know it.
Goober Pyle: You know that's not as stupid as it looks, readin' a day-old paper. I do it myself sometimes - kinda gives you a sense of power, don't it? I mean knowing how everything's gonna come out.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I'm-I'm looking for the announcement of the auto show in Raleigh; it opened yesterday.
Goober Pyle: Well, you want to know where it's at? It's at the convention hall all weekend. Who's going to the auto show, Andy?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, Aunt Bee wants to see the new models; she's thinking of trading in her old car.
Goober Pyle: That's a good thing - that car is on its last leg.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You said it was in tip-top shape.
Goober Pyle: That's before I knew she was going to trade it in.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: She's just thinking of trading it in; she might keep it.
Goober Pyle: Well, it's still got plenty of miles on it.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Anybody ever tell you you're a straw in the wind?
Goober Pyle: No. A feller in the service called me a hayseed though. I let him have it.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Hi, Goob
Goober Pyle: I got Aunt Bee's car in tip-top shape.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh, good.
Goober Pyle: What are you doin' with a Raleigh paper?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Readin' it.
Goober Pyle: Andy, that's yesterday's paper.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I know it.
Goober Pyle: You know that's not as stupid as it looks, readin' a day-old paper. I do it myself sometimes - kinda gives you a sense of power, don't it? I mean knowing how everything's gonna come out.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I'm-I'm looking for the announcement of the auto show in Raleigh; it opened yesterday.
Goober Pyle: Well, you want to know where it's at? It's at the convention hall all weekend. Who's going to the auto show, Andy?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, Aunt Bee wants to see the new models; she's thinking of trading in her old car.
Goober Pyle: That's a good thing - that car is on its last leg.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You said it was in tip-top shape.
Goober Pyle: That's before I knew she was going to trade it in.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: She's just thinking of trading it in; she might keep it.
Goober Pyle: Well, it's still got plenty of miles on it.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Anybody ever tell you you're a straw in the wind?
Goober Pyle: No. A feller in the service called me a hayseed though. I let him have it.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
[Andy and Barney are at the Darlings when a rock comes through the window]
Barney Fife: What was that!
Andy Taylor: I think Ernest T. Bass is paying us another visit.
Briscoe Darling: Ernest T. Bass! You're a low down skunk! [Turns away from the window, then turns back]
Briscoe Darling: Doggone ya!
Andy Taylor: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Sheriff Taylor! Go on home and leave these people alone! You're keepin' 'em awake!
Ernest T. Bass: Tell 'em to go back to bed! Charlene's the one I want to talk to!
Barney Fife: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Deputy Fife! I'm armed and if you don't go home, I might just take a shot at you [another rock come flying through the window]
Barney Fife: Stop that! [Another rock hits the window]
Briscoe Darling: Sheriff, tell your deputy to be quiet before he gets us all stoned to death!
Barney Fife: What was that!
Andy Taylor: I think Ernest T. Bass is paying us another visit.
Briscoe Darling: Ernest T. Bass! You're a low down skunk! [Turns away from the window, then turns back]
Briscoe Darling: Doggone ya!
Andy Taylor: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Sheriff Taylor! Go on home and leave these people alone! You're keepin' 'em awake!
Ernest T. Bass: Tell 'em to go back to bed! Charlene's the one I want to talk to!
Barney Fife: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Deputy Fife! I'm armed and if you don't go home, I might just take a shot at you [another rock come flying through the window]
Barney Fife: Stop that! [Another rock hits the window]
Briscoe Darling: Sheriff, tell your deputy to be quiet before he gets us all stoned to death!
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
[after a haircut at Floyd's]
Andy Taylor: Floyd.
Floyd Lawson: What's the matter?
Andy Taylor: My sideburns.
Floyd Lawson: Your sideburns - what's the matter with your sideburns?
Andy Taylor: Why, they're both even.
Floyd Lawson: Well, I'll be dogged. How'd that happen?
Andy Taylor: I declare, Floyd, I believe you're getting the hang of it. And looka there - they're the right length and everything.
Andy Taylor: Floyd.
Floyd Lawson: What's the matter?
Andy Taylor: My sideburns.
Floyd Lawson: Your sideburns - what's the matter with your sideburns?
Andy Taylor: Why, they're both even.
Floyd Lawson: Well, I'll be dogged. How'd that happen?
Andy Taylor: I declare, Floyd, I believe you're getting the hang of it. And looka there - they're the right length and everything.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
[after getting in a fight with Andy]
Helen: Just who do you think you are, anyway, Mayberry's answer to Cary Grant?
Helen: Just who do you think you are, anyway, Mayberry's answer to Cary Grant?
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
[after writing himself a traffic ticket]
Barney Fife: A boob that's what I am, a boob!
Barney Fife: A boob that's what I am, a boob!
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
[Andy and Barney are at the Darlings when a rock comes through the window]
Barney Fife: What was that!
Andy Taylor: I think Ernest T. Bass is paying us another visit.
Briscoe Darling: Ernest T. Bass! You're a low down skunk! [Turns away from the window, then turns back]
Briscoe Darling: Doggone ya!
Andy Taylor: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Sheriff Taylor! Go on home and leave these people alone! You're keepin' 'em awake!
Ernest T. Bass: Tell 'em to go back to bed! Charlene's the one I want to talk to!
Barney Fife: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Deputy Fife! I'm armed and if you don't go home, I might just take a shot at you [another rock come flying through the window]
Barney Fife: Stop that! [Another rock hits the window]
Briscoe Darling: Sheriff, tell your deputy to be quiet before he gets us all stoned to death!
Barney Fife: What was that!
Andy Taylor: I think Ernest T. Bass is paying us another visit.
Briscoe Darling: Ernest T. Bass! You're a low down skunk! [Turns away from the window, then turns back]
Briscoe Darling: Doggone ya!
Andy Taylor: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Sheriff Taylor! Go on home and leave these people alone! You're keepin' 'em awake!
Ernest T. Bass: Tell 'em to go back to bed! Charlene's the one I want to talk to!
Barney Fife: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Deputy Fife! I'm armed and if you don't go home, I might just take a shot at you [another rock come flying through the window]
Barney Fife: Stop that! [Another rock hits the window]
Briscoe Darling: Sheriff, tell your deputy to be quiet before he gets us all stoned to death!
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
[Andy has told Rafe Hollister to try out for the musical]
Barney Fife: I'm surprised at you, Andy. They want people who have had musical training. Why, suppose they ask Rafe to do something he don't know? Rafe, if they asked you to sing a cappella, could you do it?
Rafe Hollister: No.
Andy Taylor: Hey, Barn, what if they was to ask you if you could sing a cappella, what would *you* do?
Barney Fife: Why, I'd do it! [snapping fingers in rhythm]
Barney Fife: "A cappella, a cappella"... Well, I don't remember all the words.
Barney Fife: I'm surprised at you, Andy. They want people who have had musical training. Why, suppose they ask Rafe to do something he don't know? Rafe, if they asked you to sing a cappella, could you do it?
Rafe Hollister: No.
Andy Taylor: Hey, Barn, what if they was to ask you if you could sing a cappella, what would *you* do?
Barney Fife: Why, I'd do it! [snapping fingers in rhythm]
Barney Fife: "A cappella, a cappella"... Well, I don't remember all the words.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
[Ernest T. Bass has crashed Mrs. Wily's party]
Mrs. Wiley: He burst into the house uninvited and started behaving in the most peculiar manner.
Andy Taylor: Like what, Mrs. Wily?
Mrs. Wiley: Oh, he stuck his hand in the punch bowl and ate every bit of the watermelon rind. And if that wasn't enough, he soaked the paper napkins in the punch and then he threw them at the ceiling.
Andy Taylor: Didn't anybody try to stop him?
Mrs. Wiley: Mr. Schwump tried to pinch him, but he just giggled and jumped away.
Mrs. Wiley: He burst into the house uninvited and started behaving in the most peculiar manner.
Andy Taylor: Like what, Mrs. Wily?
Mrs. Wiley: Oh, he stuck his hand in the punch bowl and ate every bit of the watermelon rind. And if that wasn't enough, he soaked the paper napkins in the punch and then he threw them at the ceiling.
Andy Taylor: Didn't anybody try to stop him?
Mrs. Wiley: Mr. Schwump tried to pinch him, but he just giggled and jumped away.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
[Gomer has made a citizens arrest on Barney]
Andy Taylor: All right, what's goin' on here?
Barney Fife: Aw this boob here...
Gomer Pyle: Boob? Why that's an insult in the face of the public!
Andy Taylor: All right, what's goin' on here?
Barney Fife: Aw this boob here...
Gomer Pyle: Boob? Why that's an insult in the face of the public!
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
[Goober thinks he has whiplash]
Goober Pyle: Floyd made the diagnosis.
Andy Taylor: Floyd, what do you know about whiplash?
Floyd Lawson: What do you mean? A barber does a lot of work around the back of the neck.
Goober Pyle: Floyd made the diagnosis.
Andy Taylor: Floyd, what do you know about whiplash?
Floyd Lawson: What do you mean? A barber does a lot of work around the back of the neck.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
[Opie has a crush on Thelma Lou]
Opie Taylor: Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman?
Opie Taylor: Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman?
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
[Reassuring Opie after releasing a group of dogs to the countryside as a thunderstorm approaches]
Barney Fife: A dog can't get struck by lightning. you know why? 'Cause he's too close to the ground. See, lightning strikes tall things. Now if they were giraffes out there in the field, now then we'd have trouble.
Barney Fife: A dog can't get struck by lightning. you know why? 'Cause he's too close to the ground. See, lightning strikes tall things. Now if they were giraffes out there in the field, now then we'd have trouble.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
[shouting to several prisoners]
Barney Fife: Now here at the Rock we have two rules. Memorize them until you can say them in your sleep. Rule number one: obey all rules. Rule number two: no writing on the walls.
Barney Fife: Now here at the Rock we have two rules. Memorize them until you can say them in your sleep. Rule number one: obey all rules. Rule number two: no writing on the walls.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
[the Darlings are discussing the song they are going to play at Charlene's wedding]
Briscoe Darling: How 'bout "Don't Hit Your Grandma with a Great Big Stick"?
Charlene Darling: No, Paw, That one makes me cry!
Briscoe Darling: How 'bout "Don't Hit Your Grandma with a Great Big Stick"?
Charlene Darling: No, Paw, That one makes me cry!
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
[the Darlings have come to Andy for help with Ernest T. Bass]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, Mr. Darling, can't you and your boys handle him?
Briscoe Darling: Well, we thought about killin' him, but we didn't want to go that far.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, Mr. Darling, can't you and your boys handle him?
Briscoe Darling: Well, we thought about killin' him, but we didn't want to go that far.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Gomer Pyle: Me and Goober are goin' down to see that Cary Grant movie. Goober never misses a Cary Grant movie. He studies him. You want to hear him take off on Cary Grant? C'mon, Goober; do Cary Grant.
Goober Pyle: Well, I don't know...
Andy Taylor: Well, Gom, if he doesn't want to...
Goober Pyle: I'll do it! Judy, Judy, Judy!
Gomer Pyle: [laughing hysterically] Ain't that great, Andy? How do you do it? Let me try; Judy, Judy, I can't do it. Andy, couldn't you just swear it was Cary Grant standin' right before you in this room?
Andy Taylor: Uh, yeah, Gomer; that was real good, Goober.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Aunt Bee Taylor: Did you like the white beans you had for supper?
Andy Taylor: Uh huh.
Aunt Bee Taylor: Well, you didn't say anything.
Andy Taylor: Well, I ate four bowls. If that ain't a tribute to white beans, I don't know what is.
Aunt Bee Taylor: Well...
Andy Taylor: Eating speaks louder than words.
Aunt Bee Taylor: You know, your education was worth every penny of it.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Myrt 'Hubcaps' Lesh: That's the clunker we sold to that boob in Mayberry.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Andy Taylor: [after learning Barney has spilled the beans about the gold shipment] Somewhere between here and Denver is seven million dollars headed for Mayberry, and you and me and Gomer and Laura Lee Hobbs, we're gonna' receive it.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Andy Taylor: [Barney and Thelma Lou have had a fight on the phone] Uh, Barn; why don't you just call her back?
Barney Fife: [Picking up the phone] Sarah, get me Juanita at the diner. No, I wouldn't just rather call Thelma Lou back!
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Andy Taylor: [Briscoe is getting dressed for Charlene's wedding] Hold still, Mr. Darling, while I put on your tie.
Briscoe Darling: Ever since I saw a hangin', I been nervous about wearin' one of these things.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Andy Taylor: [find Aunt Bee obviously "tiddly", then finding a 2/3 empty bottle of "Colonel Harvey's Elixir" in the hall closet] Well, it sure looks like she took the adult dose.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Andy Taylor: [on the phone] If you don't want magazine subscriptions or your septic tank pumped out, there's a sign you can get that says, "No solicitors." [pause]
Andy Taylor: Well, sure that applies to septic tank pumpers... sure. Now take down those disease signs, Nelvin.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Andy Taylor: [Picking up the phone] Sarah? What? Just soak it. That's right; just soak it a lot in warm water. Listen, Sarah; get me Thelma Lou. I know she's Barney's girl; just get her on the phone. What? 'Cause I don't want to. No, Sarah, I wouldn't rather talk to Juanita at the diner; just get Thelma Lou.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Andy Taylor: [telling Opie and his friends the story of Paul Revere] And he said, "The British is comin, the British is comin! Git your guns, we gonna have us a revolution!"
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show