The Andy Griffith Show Quotes
Barney Fife: If only someone would just kill somebody?
Andy Taylor: Barney?
Barney Fife: Well, it wouldn't have to be anyone we know... If two strangers was to come to town, and if one of them was gonna kill the other one anyway...
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Barney Fife: If there's anything that upsets me, it's having people say I'm sensitive.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Barney Fife: I'll say it right to your face, Otis, you've got a pickled liver!
Otis Campbell: Well, it's better than having a pickled puss!
Barney Fife: Oh, yeah?
Otis Campbell: Yeah!
Andy Taylor: Boys, stop it!
Otis Campbell: Well, he started it!
Barney Fife: I did not start it, he started it!
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Barney Fife: Inkem binkem notamus rex, protect us all from the man with the hex.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Barney Fife: Let's get this film down to the lab at Mrs. Mason's drugstore.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Barney Fife: Man, we really packed it away, didn't we?
Andy Taylor: Yeah, boy.
Barney Fife: Fortunately, none of mine goes to fat. All goes to muscle.
Andy Taylor: Does, huh?
Barney Fife: It's a mark of us Fifes. Everything we eat goes to muscle. [pats tummy]
Barney Fife: See there?
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Barney Fife: The last big buy was my mom's and dad's anniversary present.
Andy Taylor: What'd ya get 'em?
Barney Fife: A septic tank.
Andy Taylor: For their anniversary?
Barney Fife: They're awful hard to buy for. Besides, it was something they could use. They were really thrilled. It had two tons of concrete in it. All steel reinforced.
Andy Taylor: You're a fine son, Barn.
Barney Fife: I try.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Barney Fife: They don't do things that way anymore. This is the Age of Science Know-How, electronal marvels.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Barney Fife: Well, I guess to sum it up, you could say, there's three reasons why there's so little crime in Mayberry. There's Andy, and there's me, and [patting gun]
Barney Fife: baby makes three.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Barney Fife: Well, today's eight-year-olds are tomorrow's teenagers. I say this calls for action and now. Nip it in the bud. First sign of youngsters going wrong, you've got to nip it in the bud.
Andy Taylor: I'm going to have a talk with them. What else do you want me to do?
Barney Fife: Well, don't just mollycoddle them.
Andy Taylor: I won't.
Barney Fife: Nip it. You go read any book you ant on the subject of child discipline and you'll find every one of them is in favor of bud-nipping.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Barney Fife: What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a man take off a dress before?
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Goober Pyle: I love picnics. Speaking of picnics, you remember that movie 'Picnic'? Cary Grant sure was good it that movie.
Andy Taylor: Goober, Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'.
Goober Pyle: He wasn't? Well, speakin' of Cary Grant, I do him.
Helen: What?
Goober Pyle: I take off on Cary Grant. Want to hear me do Cary Grant?
Andy Taylor: Uh, Goober...
Goober Pyle: Be glad to. Judy. Judy. Judy.
Andy Taylor: That's real good, Goober; but Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'.
Helen: That was William Holden.
Goober Pyle: William Holden? Heck, I can't do William Holden; he sounds like everybody else. [Andy and Helen walk off with Goober following]
Goober Pyle: I can't do William Holden, but I can do Cary Grant. Judy. Judy. Judy.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Floyd Lawson: [while looking at himself in the mirror] Wretch, wretch! Deceitful wretch!
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Floyd Lawson: If I keep this up I'll probably end up with a barber's claw from holding the shears all day.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Floyd Lawson: You know, everyone complains about the weather but nobody does anything about it. Calvin Coolidge said that.
Andy Taylor: No, Floyd, that wasn't Calvin Coolidge that said that, it was Mark Twain.
Floyd Lawson: Then what did Calvin Coolidge say?
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Ernest T. Bass: I don't chew my cabbage twice. And you ain't heard the last of Ernest T. Bass!
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Ernest T. Bass: If a duck stood still you could catch him by the bill.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Ernest T. Bass: I'm a little mean, but I make up for it by bein' real healthy. Say you'll be mine. Say you'll be my beloved!
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Briscoe Darling: [Aunt Bee has hit Briscoe with a spoon] Ow! What'd you do that for?
Aunt Bee Taylor: No elbows on the table.
Briscoe Darling: [to Andy] That ain't fair; her hittin' first and explainin' the rules after.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Briscoe Darling: [serenading Aunt Bee] Low and lonely, sad and blue / Thinking only, of little you / Always tryin', to keep from cryin' / I'm low and lonely over you.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Briscoe Darling: Dud, did you tell Ernest T. Bass the Sheriff wanted to see him?
Dud Wash: I couldn't find him, Mr. Darlin'. His cousin said he went into the woods to kill a mockingbird.
Andy Taylor: He doesn't sound like a very nice person.
Briscoe Darling: One of the worst we got.
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show
Otis Campbell: Every man needs a hobby.
Barney Fife: But, Otis; you ain't got a hobby!
Otis Campbell: I do have a hobby; drinkin'!
TV Show: The Andy Griffith Show