The Colbert Report Quotes
Stephen Colbert: I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: I'm looking over your shoulder... only because I've got your back.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Isn't a centrist someone who doesn't have the balls to be a fanatic?
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: I've swallowed 18 condoms full of truth and I'm headed across the border!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Just because the Pope is infallible doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Like any good newsman, I believe that if you're not scared, I'm not doing my job.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Look, I just think that Rosa Parks was overrated.
Conan O'Brien: Rosa Parks was overrated? That's-that's madness!
Stephen Colbert: Conan, last time I checked, she got famous by breaking the law.
Conan O'Brien: Breaking the law? She was standing up for a whole race of people. She was a freedom fighter!
Stephen Colbert: Conan, how do I know that there wasn't an old, sick, white man who needed that seat in the front of the bus?
Conan O'Brien: How can you say that?
Stephen Colbert: Conan, I'm gonna keep saying this until Rosa Parks's children apologize for what their mother did to that bus company!
Conan O'Brien: You want Rosa Parks's children to apologize?
Stephen Colbert: Absolutly.
Conan O'Brien: Gah! Okay, I'm sorry. I have no choice. [shoots Stephen in the chest, who then rises up a second later]
Stephen Colbert: [unaffected] Typical East-coast, Ivy League educated response.
Conan O'Brien: [pause] We'll take a break. We'll be right back.
Stephen Colbert: Look, I respect your right to disagree with me. Don't get me wrong.
Conan O'Brien: I shot you very near the heart!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: My word... my word, truthiness, is in the news again! It's like Frankenstein, my creation won't die. This time, truthiness was used on Nightline to describe the Oprah/James Frey interview. [clip shows one of the Nightline anchors defining truthiness]
Stephen Colbert: You know what's missing from that piece? Me! Stephen Colbert! But you know, I'm not surprised. Nightline's on opposite me over at ABC. Same time slot We destroy them in the ratings! I don't have numbers to back that up, I just feel that it's true. So of course, they play dirty. They're stealing content from my show. Well, let me talk straight to the triple headed he-she-he beast they put in for Ted Koppel! Fellas... no free rides. If I catch you copying my signature pieces, topical subjects, guests, and saying good night... there will be legal action! And if you think I am kidding, ask Bowtie Pasta! It's dead to me! It knows why!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Now I have my own problems with James Frey. Not because of the inconsistencies in his memoir, nothing wrong with stretching the truth. After all, we stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious. In fact, I respect him for making up his past! It shows character. Too many people just let their past happen to them. It's part of the culture of victimization. "Ooh, I had no control over the circumstances of my birth!" But when you decide to have had a difficult childhood, that... that's really owning your past! And in a fundamentally refreshing way, taking responsibility for it. It's so rare these days. Besides, taking liberties with the truth is an American tradition. In fact, the word liberty is right there in the word liberties!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: On Oprah's show they did it right. One of her guests was asked about truthiness, and here's what he said. [clip shows a man saying truthiness was coined by Stephen]
Stephen Colbert: Now that guy, I don't know who he was, he gave me the credit I was due! And, uh, something else there... [clip rolls again]
Stephen Colbert: Right there! Off camera, Oprah says "Yeah"! Play that back, and this time, let's isolate Oprah! [slow motion version of the clip plays, where Oprah says, "Yeah"]
Stephen Colbert: Yeah! I think she might have even said, "Hell, yeah." But regardless, that is proof positive that Oprah Winfrey knows who I am! This, ladies and gentlemen, should be the headline on tomorrow's New York Times! Oprah, on existence of Stephen Colbert: Yeah.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Open wide, baby bird, because mama's got a big, fat nightcrawler of truth.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Shave your head, get a wet sponge, and flip the switch, 'cause you're about to get a Truthocution!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Someone get a bucket, I think I'm gonna truth! This is the Colbert Report.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Sometimes it takes a crazy person to see the truth. If so, I'm a freaking lunatic.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Speaking of you and hating our troops, I've noticed that you're one of those cut and runners. You said it.
Arianna Huffington: You know what, Stephen? I'm amazed that you would use the phrase cut and run, because it is the ultimate in truthiness. Cut and run is just a catch phrase that stops people from thinking.
Stephen Colbert: Exactly! We want them to feel! It doesn't matter what your reasons are, it feels like you're betraying America!
Arianna Huffington: The problem, Stephen...
Stephen Colbert: You gotta admit, cutting and running sounds bad.
Arianna Huffington: Cutting and running doesn't sound bad, unless you are a truthiness fanatic like you are. Here's the bottom line...
Stephen Colbert: I'm not just a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.
Arianna Huffington: Not according to wikipedia. You popularized it, but you did not invent it, Stephen.
Stephen Colbert: Fuck them!
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Stephen Colbert: Stop asking for Bush's plan, senators! He clearly doesn't have one.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Strike up the klezmer and start acting like a man! You're about to have a Truth Mitzvah.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Sure they may be old and sick, but as Jesus said, "Walk it off."
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Tensions have been rising between Afghanistan and the West over the fate of an Afghani man sentenced to death for converting from Islam to Christianity, casting Afghanistan in a negative light. Which brings us to our number one threat... Jesus! Jesus is such a powerful and appealing Messiah that Muslims can't help but convert to Christianity, and follow his teachings! But now, our Lord and Savior is jeopardizing our President's legacy. Afghanistan is Bush's success story! Where we toppled a repressive regime and replaced it with Western democracy. Thanks to Jesus, all that good will might be going right down the tube! So I call on the Son of God, the one true Christ, to just back off a little! The President's on your side, Sir! You should be on his! Leave the Muslims alone and save the true power of your glory for when we need it... midterm elections!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: That paper is so slanted, the words roll off the page. It makes it hard to read.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: That's why I continue to say that Oregon is California's Canada.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: The 9/11 Commission says we are woefully unprepared for another terrorist attack, calling it inevitable. Well, it's inevitable now that we've told the terrorists about it! [whispers]
Stephen Colbert: For God sake, shut the fuck up!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: The Pittsburgh Post Gazette is reporting on a new phenomenon called wrap rage. Where people injure themselves trying to open difficult plastic packages with sharp objects. It goes on to say that according to a report, British researchers blame wrap rage for more than 60,000 injuries in that country. Okay, let's see, if England's population is 60 million, and they had 60,000 injuries, and our population is 300 million, how many injuries would we... hold on, I can do this. Um, let me just get my brand new graphing calculator. [Gets out a calculator in a wrapped plastic package, and tries to open it]
Stephen Colbert: This, uh, this'll only take a second here. [Can't open it]
Stephen Colbert: Let me get that... [Tries to bite it open, but can't]
Stephen Colbert: Okay, I'm gonna lose that battle right there... let me get that. [Tries to use a pencil, but it breaks]
Stephen Colbert: Okay... motherfucker, okay! Get open, come on! [Tries to stab scissors through it]
Stephen Colbert: You are MINE! I will see you in HELL! [Throws the package away]
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: This show is an acquired taste. If you don't like it, acquire some taste!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: This teaches children a valuable lesson: Expect nothing and be happy you're not kidnapped.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: When life gets you down, don't get mad: Get Stephen. This is the Colbert Report.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: When the world tries to knock us around, I'm America's bubble wrap. This is the Colber Report.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: When you're President Senator Clinton, we'll be able to bring the troops home on flying pigs provided that it's not too cold for them to fly, what with Hell having frozen over! [audience laughs]
Stephen Colbert: Maybe we can hold the parade on "Highly Improbable Day"!
TV Show: The Colbert Report