The Colbert Report Quotes
Stephen: (6-11-2008) The heat wave's over, but I'm still smokin'! This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Open wide baby bird, 'cause momma's got a big fat night crawler of Truth. Here comes The Colbert Report!
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Stephen: But this show is not about me. This program is dedicated to you, the heroes. And who are the heroes? The people who watch this show. Average, hardworking Americans. You're not the elites, you're not the country club crowd. I know for a fact that my country club would never let you in. But you get it. And you come from a long line of it-getters.
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Stephen: On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice.
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Stephen: Now I know some of you may not trust your gut...yet. But with my help you will. The "truthiness" is, anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news... at you.
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Stephen: Thankfully, alert gauchos were able to save the llama before it was swept into the blades of the turbine.
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Stephen: I'm looking over your shoulder, but only because I've got your back.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: Put on the Sade and spritz on some musk! I'm going to truth you all night long! This is The Colbert Report!
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Stephen: Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area. This is The Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: Good news, America! Today you are completely safe and have nothing to fear. It's time for the SafetyUp! No, wait, today's opposite day. ThreatDown!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (Talking about how Magna morphs and the magnetic parts that they feature. Colbert had attached the bear's head to the eagle's body) This allows you to combine our proud symbol of American freedom, with a godless killing machine!! Look at that! Half-bear, half-eagle, it's a beagle! And this is a grizzly, so it's a greagle. Kill it! Kill it! (Panically dismantles the "greagle").
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Stephen: I've got 99 problems, but the truth ain't one. This is The Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (6-16-2008) Have I told you, lately, that I love me. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (6-17-2008) Mark my words. Seriously, Mark, I need my words. Where's my script? This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (6-18-2008) This is the dawning of the age of Colbarious. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (6-19-2008) Beauty isn't in the eye of the beholder. I've checked. There's nothing in there but veins and goo. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (6-23-2008) Guests of the Colbert Report stay at the luxurious, Crashing with a friend. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (6-24-2008) I promise to deliver the truth in the next 30 minutes or it's free. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: [using the Da Colbert Code] Say I wanted to know who killed President Kennedy: John Fitzgerald Kennedy...F. Scott Fitzgerald...The Great Gatsby...The Great Escape...Escape from New York...The Big Apple...Apples and Oranges...A Clockwork Orange...Stanley Kubrick...directed Barry Lyndon...Lyndon Johnson, oh my God! It was all a plot by Lyndon Johnson to attain the presidency so he could escalate the involvement in the Vietnam War! [whispers] Makes so much sense. Oh, if this code fell into the wrong hands. Let's try a current mystery. Varying reports on the Hurricane Katrina debacle are pointing fingers in many directions. Who's really to blame for the slow response to the disaster? Let's think about it: Hurricane Katrina...Katrina and the Waves...Waves in the Oceans...Ocean's full of Fish...One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish...Dr. Seuss...The Cat in the Hat...Mike Myers. Oh my God, it's Mike Myers' fault! No wonder he kept quiet when Kanye West started blaming President Bush! Okay, now let's use this for something important. Everyone wants to know who's gonna win the Oscars. Let's start with Best Supporting Actress: you get support from support groups like AA...AAA...XXX...X the Owl...Henrietta Pussycat...What's New Pussycat...Tom Jones...Star Jones...Star Wars...WarGames...Winter Games...Wintergreen...Winter Garden...beer garden...Weisse Beer...Rachel Weisz will win Best Supporting Actress! Oh, she is so lovely.
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Stephen: [to guest Bill O'Reilly] I'm not a Secular Progressive, sir. I'm a deeply religious man who will do anything you say.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: Now, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Some of my best friends are going to hell.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
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Stephen: Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
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Stephen: Hey, you know, I love Korea. See? I'm having a… Bulgogi tonight! (Showing a bowl with mixture of several pieces of meat, lettuce and other vegetables) lovely. That is a…… not sure what's in there but I do know that you crack a roll egg over it. (Cracking egg to the bowl) And…… I…am… (holding a chopstick) going to… enjoy that…… a little bit later. (hides the bowl under the desk)
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Stephen: It's George Washington's birthday and I cannot tell a lie [the former was false]. This is The Colbert Report!
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Stephen: The safest way to avoid throwing the baby out with the bathwater is to not change the bathwater.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: You said, "Anyone who grew up on a farm knows that evolution exists." OK, are you saying a monkey can milk a cow?
Peter Agre: Well, if I can milk a cow I suspect a monkey as smart as I am can milk a cow.
Stephen: Are there monkeys as smart as you?
Agre: I'm sure there are quite a few, quite a few.
Stephen: Oh really? Do they give a Nobel Prize for throwing your own feces?"
Agre: That's the Economics prize, I think.
Peter Agre: Well, if I can milk a cow I suspect a monkey as smart as I am can milk a cow.
Stephen: Are there monkeys as smart as you?
Agre: I'm sure there are quite a few, quite a few.
Stephen: Oh really? Do they give a Nobel Prize for throwing your own feces?"
Agre: That's the Economics prize, I think.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: Now, I’ve never been a fan of amphibians. Not only do they strengthen the argument for evolution, they are nature’s fence sitters. Come on, amphibians. Which is it? Water or land? Pick one, we’re at war.
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Stephen: Folks, the President needs a break. He's like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can't suck.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.
The Wørd: Chicks Dig Accents.
The Wørd: Chicks Dig Accents.
TV Show: The Colbert Report