The Colbert Report Quotes
Following the Democratic victory in the 2006 Midterm Elections.
Stephen: The people have spoken - and apparently they're tired of freedom. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed. I thought this country would last longer than 230 years. That's it, folks, America is over. At this point, we might as well just give it back to the goddamn Indians. Let's see how they'd deal with foreign enemies bent on their destruction. Here's your cake, terrorists! There you go. Enjoy. [tasting the icing] Mmm, tastes like surrender. Jimmy, you might as well get those subtitles going. [Arabic subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen] There you go. Get used to these. And you know what? We should probably throw a burqa over Meg while we're at it. [Meg the intern is shown wearing a burqa] You know what really gets me here, you know what really gets me? Democrats didn't even win this thing, the Republicans lost it. They ran away from the president. "Hey, the ship's in trouble, quick, let's drown the captain!" We were this close to Jesus coming back. And you Republicans that turned your back on the president are going to wander in the desert for the next two years. Literally, someone's going to have to replace those troops in Iraq! And don't think you're off the hook, voters, you're the ones who made this bed. Now you're the ones who are going to have to move over so a gay couple can sleep in it. Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high! You know what, I've had it! You people don't deserve a Republican majority!
Stephen: The people have spoken - and apparently they're tired of freedom. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed. I thought this country would last longer than 230 years. That's it, folks, America is over. At this point, we might as well just give it back to the goddamn Indians. Let's see how they'd deal with foreign enemies bent on their destruction. Here's your cake, terrorists! There you go. Enjoy. [tasting the icing] Mmm, tastes like surrender. Jimmy, you might as well get those subtitles going. [Arabic subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen] There you go. Get used to these. And you know what? We should probably throw a burqa over Meg while we're at it. [Meg the intern is shown wearing a burqa] You know what really gets me here, you know what really gets me? Democrats didn't even win this thing, the Republicans lost it. They ran away from the president. "Hey, the ship's in trouble, quick, let's drown the captain!" We were this close to Jesus coming back. And you Republicans that turned your back on the president are going to wander in the desert for the next two years. Literally, someone's going to have to replace those troops in Iraq! And don't think you're off the hook, voters, you're the ones who made this bed. Now you're the ones who are going to have to move over so a gay couple can sleep in it. Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high! You know what, I've had it! You people don't deserve a Republican majority!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: [getting into his car] Take me home, Sam.
The driver turns around. It's Uncle Sam.
Sam: You are home, Stephen. The Colbert Nation is your home - and it needs you now, more than ever.
Stephen: No it doesn't.
Sam: Yes it does! The Democrats have only been in power for a few minutes and already they've already got us stuck in this unwinnable war!
Stephen: [with realization dawning] Yeah, they really screwed the pooch on that one. That Democratic majority has had a free ride for too long! Thanks, Sam! [moves to get out of the car]
Sam: You're welcome.
Stephen: [turning] Oh, by the way, there was no sparkling water in my drink caddy. You forget that again and I will fire your fat ass. You got me, old man?
Sam: Yes.
Stephen: Yes, what?
Sam: Yes, sir.
The driver turns around. It's Uncle Sam.
Sam: You are home, Stephen. The Colbert Nation is your home - and it needs you now, more than ever.
Stephen: No it doesn't.
Sam: Yes it does! The Democrats have only been in power for a few minutes and already they've already got us stuck in this unwinnable war!
Stephen: [with realization dawning] Yeah, they really screwed the pooch on that one. That Democratic majority has had a free ride for too long! Thanks, Sam! [moves to get out of the car]
Sam: You're welcome.
Stephen: [turning] Oh, by the way, there was no sparkling water in my drink caddy. You forget that again and I will fire your fat ass. You got me, old man?
Sam: Yes.
Stephen: Yes, what?
Sam: Yes, sir.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: We went to Iraq for one reason.
The Wørd: WMDs?
Stephen: No.
The Wørd: 9/11?
Stephen: No.
The Wørd: Someone Tried To Kill The President's Daddy?
Stephen: Kind of.
The Wørd: WMDs?
Stephen: No.
The Wørd: 9/11?
Stephen: No.
The Wørd: Someone Tried To Kill The President's Daddy?
Stephen: Kind of.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: [Hillary Clinton] said one of her favorite movies is The Wizard of Oz. Well, I re-watched it recently, and I can't believe I never noticed the liberal subtext before. Judy Garland--gay icon--stars as Dorothy, an innocent girl from the Heartland, who gets swept away to a drug-induced fantasy land where's she's greeted by labor activists from the local guild. After she murders a powerful Oz official, she becomes a fugitive, hitting the road with a racially diverse group including a laborer, an animal-rights activist, and a treehugger. Who are all, for some mysterious reason, great dancers. And along the way, they get so high on poppies they think they're being attacked by flying monkeys. Folks, there's a short walk from "There's no place like home" to "It Takes a Village."
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Stephen: I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
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Stephen: [Upon learning that Willie Nelson has a Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor.] Willie Nelson has a flavor? What's in it, shredded tax forms and hash?
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Stephen: Join me next time on Colbert Platinum when I'll be joined by Master Chef Reginald Durham for a luxury cookout with the elite burger "Panda Patties". Mmmm. Yes, you can taste the rarity.
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Representative John Yarmuth accepts Stephen's challenge to face him in an impromptu debate.
Stephen: Tonight’s subject: Throwing kittens in a woodchipper. I'm against it, I think it's wrong. John, tear me a new one.
Yarmuth: Well, you know, there are times when you have to find a way to dispose of kittens. And sometimes the only thing that you can do, if you don't have a shovel, if you don't have a garbage can, if there's a woodchipper handy, then you're going to have to use the woodchipper.
Stephen: Tonight’s subject: Throwing kittens in a woodchipper. I'm against it, I think it's wrong. John, tear me a new one.
Yarmuth: Well, you know, there are times when you have to find a way to dispose of kittens. And sometimes the only thing that you can do, if you don't have a shovel, if you don't have a garbage can, if there's a woodchipper handy, then you're going to have to use the woodchipper.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done, except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: If you non-Catholic Christians are upset, well, just have your Pope issue a reponse. Oh, that's right, you don't have a Pope because your faith is defective. Sorry, Catholicism is clearly superior. Don't believe me? Name one Protestant denomination that could afford a $660 million sexual abuse settlement. I think that Lord has spoken on this one.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: [In response to Bill O'Reilly's comparison of Daily Kos with the Ku Klux Klan and the Nazi party.] Exactly! The Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis were both notorious for allowing people to express unpopular views in an open and free forum.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: Now, tragically, folks, we are illuminating more and more of the Dark Side every day. Now that indefinite detention, enhanced interrogation, and domestic spying are acceptable, it is getting harder and harder to find those things that we as Americans theoretically cannot bring ourselves to do.
The Wørd: Vote?
The Wørd: Vote?
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Stephen: Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me "sir".
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Stephen: I actually do think that Wikipedia is an amazing thing. It is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge, or when I want to create some.
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Stephen: You see, the Vice President knew that we cannot win this war if we go by the book.
The Wørd: Or The Constitution.
Stephen: You... you do whatever it takes. You go beyond what's legal. You go past what's acceptable.
The Wørd: You Shoot A Man In The Face.
The Wørd: Or The Constitution.
Stephen: You... you do whatever it takes. You go beyond what's legal. You go past what's acceptable.
The Wørd: You Shoot A Man In The Face.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: We need to return to the clarity of the good old days. Before there was any difference between Sunnis and Shi'ites.
The Wørd: 632 A.D.
Stephen: Back when there were freedom fries, and our justification for war was three simple letters: W...M...D
The Wørd: L...I...E
The Wørd: 632 A.D.
Stephen: Back when there were freedom fries, and our justification for war was three simple letters: W...M...D
The Wørd: L...I...E
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: Which brings me to threat number one: gravity. It is not enough--it is not enough that everyone in the mainstream media is against this President. Now even the laws of physics are jumping on the anti-Bush bandwagon? 'Course, I've known about gravity's liberal bias ever since my tenth grade science teacher, Mr. Stamp, dropped a bowling ball and a feather in a vacuum. Bowling ball should definitely have won. There's only one way that feather could keep up: affirmative action. Point is, we've lost gravity to the liberals, folks; but inertia, I hope you're listening! You of all principles of physics should know to stay the course.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: Every time the President comes up with a new secret tactic to take down al Qaeda, the media blows its cover. Torture, monitoring our phone calls, monitoring our emails, secret prisons, all perfectly reasonable temporary concessions of freedom that will only be in effect as long as our never-ending war on terror.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: When I decided to run for president, I did not do it for the attention. I did it to fulfill a dream, of being the most popular man in the world.
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Using The DaColbert Code to predict the next President
Stephen: The next President will live in the White House...white guy...Guy Smiley...smiley face...horse face...horseshoe...shoe box...Johann Sebastian Bach...Baroque music...Baroque Obama, NO!
Stephen: The next President will live in the White House...white guy...Guy Smiley...smiley face...horse face...horseshoe...shoe box...Johann Sebastian Bach...Baroque music...Baroque Obama, NO!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: [on his teleprompter being blank, thanks to the WGA strike] Jim, what the hell is going on? Where are my words?
Jimmy: We have no script, Stephen.
Stephen: Why not?
Jimmy: The writers are on strike.
Stephen: Yeah, I know that, Jim, I'm not a complete idiot. How does that affect me?
Jimmy: We have nothing to put in the prompter.
Stephen: That's not my understanding of how this works, Jim. My understanding is that this little, this little, uh, magic box right here, it reads my thoughts and then it lays them up on the screen right there in little words that I read and--that my audience can hear my--it's a labor saving device, Jim, that's--that's how I understand this works.
Jimmy: Well, no, actually it's what the writers put in.
Stephen: The writers. The guys on the fourth floor with the opium bongs playing Guitar Hero all day. You're telling me that those guys are responsible for what I say? I find that a bit of a stretch, Jim, I'm sorry. Get it fixed, and get it fixed now.
Jimmy: We have no script, Stephen.
Stephen: Why not?
Jimmy: The writers are on strike.
Stephen: Yeah, I know that, Jim, I'm not a complete idiot. How does that affect me?
Jimmy: We have nothing to put in the prompter.
Stephen: That's not my understanding of how this works, Jim. My understanding is that this little, this little, uh, magic box right here, it reads my thoughts and then it lays them up on the screen right there in little words that I read and--that my audience can hear my--it's a labor saving device, Jim, that's--that's how I understand this works.
Jimmy: Well, no, actually it's what the writers put in.
Stephen: The writers. The guys on the fourth floor with the opium bongs playing Guitar Hero all day. You're telling me that those guys are responsible for what I say? I find that a bit of a stretch, Jim, I'm sorry. Get it fixed, and get it fixed now.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: [on being shown Abraham Lincoln's hat] Forget about the Secret Service, where was the fashion police?
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Stephen: I tell you what: you ever see me wearing a hat like that, shoot me.
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Stephen: [on Abraham Lincoln's projected IQ] So it is possible that he actually shot himself in the head, while he was trying to comb his hair with a gun.
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Philip Zimbardo: Obviously you paid attention in Sunday school.
Stephen: I teach Sunday School, motherfucker!
Stephen: I teach Sunday School, motherfucker!
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Stephen: Now it seems the crooks charge twenty to thirty thousand dollars for a fake Ferrari body attached to an old Pontiac chassis, and here's how you sniff out a fake: take a pocketknife and scrape off some of the paint on the hood just behind the ornament. If it's a real Ferrari... someone will kick your ass.
TV Show: The Colbert Report