The Colbert Report Quotes
Stephen: (02-11-2009) I'll never use steroids to get stronger. I just use them for the 'roid rage. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (02-23-2009) When life gives you lemons, make scrambled eggs. I make terrible scrambled eggs. This is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (03-09-2009) By the way, when does daylight saving time start? This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (03-10-2009) I don't sugar coat the news. I drench it in high fructose syrup. This is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (03-11-2009) Hey Dr. Manhattan. Where is your blue glowing medical degree? This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (03-12-2009) Bernie Madoff: Here's some advice. On the first day of jail, find the biggest guy in the yard, and defraud him. This is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (03-16-2009) Hey, did you read today's London Financial Times? Then why are you watching this show? This is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (03-17-2009) It's Saint Patrick's Day. So you can kiss my blarney stones. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (03-18-2009) Hey Bartlett's, here's a quotation. Put me in your book or you're a jerk. This is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (03-19-2009) Let's play rock paper scissors. Mail in your answers, and let's see who won. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (03-30-2009) Hey former GM CEO Rick Wagner. If you're looking for a job, I need somebody to stand in my parking space. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (03-31-2009) I thought March was suppose to go out like a lamb. Where's my mint jelly? This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (04-01-2009) Hey, song birds nesting outside my window, you're now 82 months behind rent. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (04-02-2009) E.R is off the air after 15 seasons. That's what you get with Obama's socialized medicine. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (04-06-2009) It's April 6th. Only nine more days to hide your assets offshore. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (04-07-2009) Vermont just legalized gay marriage. Ben, you can finally propose to Jerry. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (04-08-2009) Put your money where your mouth is. It's a lot safer than a bank. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (04-14-2009) Hey Navy Seals, why don't you take a crack at Captain Morgan? That guy made me feel like I was captive in a boat for 5 days. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (04-15-2009) Do not adjust your set, unless you wanna make my face even redder. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (04-16-2009) I hate to pat myself on the back. So I have my assistant do it. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (04-20-2009) Spoiler Alert, ugly duckling, you're actually a swan. An ugly one. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (04-21-2009) For NHL scores and highlights, move to Canada. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (04-22-2009) I float like a butterfly. Sting like a bee. And if that fails, I curl up like an armadillo. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (04-23-2009) My show is suitable for ages 9 to 99. After that, you're Willard Scott's problem. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (04-27-2009) I say potato. End of story. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (04-28-2009) The Colbert Report is filmed before whatever follows it. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (04-29-2009) Hey Mom, let me say in advance. Happy belated Mothers Day. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (04-30-2009) I dunno how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. But it takes 12,809 to get to the center of an iPhone. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (05-05-2009) Hey code breakers, heres a hint. Try Harder! This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (05-06-2009) If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why do they hurt when I spray them with Windex? This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report