The Colbert Report Quotes
Stephen: (05-07-2009) Remember, when you hear the secret word, scream real loud. Tonight's secret word, SSHHHH. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (05-11-2009) If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, my illegal logging business succeeds. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (05-12-2009) All proceeds of tonight's show go to a worthy cause. My advertisers. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (05-13-2009) When in Rome, I find a McDonald's that they speak in English. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (05-14-2009) Hey, blessings in disguise. What are you hiding? This Is the Colbert Report!
Stephen: Catholics with options are called "Protestants."
Stephen: Catholics with options are called "Protestants."
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (05-15-2009) No man is a failure who has friends... unless his friends are failures! This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (05-20-2009) You can more flies with honey then with vinegar. It also makes them taste better. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (05-21-2009) Green Day is here to talk about their new album 21st Century Breakdown. I believe it's about Windows Vista.
Stephen: (05-21-2009) I'm all that and a bag of celery. I'm trying to slim down for bikini season. This Is the Colbert Report!
Stephen: (05-21-2009) I'm all that and a bag of celery. I'm trying to slim down for bikini season. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (06-01-2009) Congratulations to Conan O’Brien on his first show tonight, which I believe starts at midnight. This is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (06-04-2009) This shows got everything. From soup to nuts. By the way, stay away from the soup, my nuts were in there. This is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (06-15-2009) Bathing suit season is right around the corner. For you prudes who still wear them. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (06-18-2009) To make a long story short, give Joe Biden a sedative. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (06-19-2009) Summer is in full swing. Hey summer, consider a jock strap. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (06-24-2009) You snooze. You loose. Unless it's a sleeping contest. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (06-25-2009) Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera? This is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (06-30-2009) Bernie, look on the bright side. When you get out, nobody will suspect a 221 year old man. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (07-01-2009) Today's Canada Day and I celebrated it the way I always do, by not knowing its Canada Day. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (07-02-2009) Next week, it's reruns. I'll still be here doing my show, but the cameras will be on vacation. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (07-13-2009) A broken clock is right twice a day. So go out and get yourself 720 clocks. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (07-14-2009) Tonight's the all star game. Don't let the exciting game fool you. It's still Baseball. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (07-15-2009) Is this a wand in my pocket or am I just happy to see the new Harry Potter movie? This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (07-16-2009) The Sears Tower is now called the Willis Tower. Man, Bruce Willis is loaded. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (07-21-2009) It's all fun and games, 'til somebody loses an eye. Then the game becomes "find the eye". This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (07-22-2009) A mother's work is never done, which reminds me, "Mom, cue the theme music". This is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (07-27-2009) If anyone at Comic-Con found a pair of dark brown, pin-on Princess Leia buns with the initials S.C. — they're not mine, but you can send them here. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (07-29-2009) Today's Colbert Club kids' activity, color in more of my hair! This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (07-30-2009) Frank, what are you doing? This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (December 09) Nation, no man is an island, but I have one hell of a peninsula! This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (January 19, 2010) "Apple is about to introduce their new iTablet. You're gonna wanna buy two of them, iMoses! This is The Colbert Report!"
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (January 20, 2010) "Love means never having to say you're sorry. That's why I never apologize to my mirror. This is The Colbert Report!"
TV Show: The Colbert Report