The Colbert Report Quotes
Stephen: (January 21, 2010) "Never let them see you sweat. Especially in HD, 'cause it looks like a mudslide. This is The Colbert Report!"
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (January 25, 2010) "Did you hear? I'm the new Quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings!. This is The Colbert Report!"
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (January 27, 2010) "Seriously, I want an iPad . This is The Colbert Report!"
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (February 1, 2010) "Happy Black History month, to all my black VIEWER! This is The Colbert Report!"
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (February 3, 2010) Jon Stewart went on The O'Reilly Factor tonight! I hope he brought me back a toaster. This is The Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (February 4, 2010) "If it's an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth, why is there no Eyefairy? This is The Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (February 10, 2010) "Honda is recalling almost a million vehicles for faulty airbags. It seems that the only Japanese company we can trust these days are the guys that make sex robots. This is The Colbert Report!"
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (February 21, 2010) "Tonight! I'm in Vancouver for the 2010 Olympic Games. They only have two weeks, how are they gonna fit in 2010 games? ... It's 11: 30 at night and the Sun is still shining. They wonder, why's there no snow here? This is The Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (March 2, 2010) "Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss! This is The Colbert Repoose!
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Stephen: (April 20, 2010) "Don't cry over spoiled milk. Get angry and punch a cow! This is The Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: We have barely recovered from the original Y2K. If you don't remember, seven years ago at the stroke of midnight, planes fell from the sky, the banking system collapsed and power grids caught fire from coast to coast. Or so I assume. I was locked in my underground shelter cleaning my zombie rifle.
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Stephen: (April 27, 2010) " Senators Schumer and Franken want to improve Facebook's privacy practices. Guys, just go on Myspace! You can have all the privacy in the world. This is the COLBERT REPORT!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (May 4, 2010) " Don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today. I meant to tell you that yesterday, but f**k it ! This is the Colbert Report!"
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (July 1, 2010) "It's Fourth of July weekend, or, as I call it, Exploding Christmas. This is The Colbert Report! "
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (August 18, 2010) "Wired magazine says the internet is dead. I hope the LOL-cats made it out alive. This is The Colbert Report!"
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (October 5, 2010) You say potato, I also say potato. This is America -- no accents. This is The Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (June,15 2011) A 99 year old Oregon man just graduated from college, Ouch! Bad time to enter the job market. This is The Colbert Report!
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Stephen: "[to members of the US Bobsled team]" Bobsledding...Gay sport, or the gayest sport? ...I'm just saying, that Ice-dancers point at you guys and go "That's little over the top".
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Stephen: [on capital punishment] I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.
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Stephen: The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun!
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Stephen: Where does Congress get off saying that people have a right to Habeas Corpus? It's like they're holding these truths to be self-evident!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: We can't let the terrorists know that we have Abraham Lincoln frozen underneath the Library of Congress, and we'll unfreeze him as soon as we find a cure for shot in head.
[Audience boos]
Stephen: Too soon?
[Audience boos]
Stephen: Too soon?
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Stephen: Keep those letters coming, folks. An unpaid intern skims each one.
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Stephen: I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears--bears are godless killing machines!
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Stephen: Bears pounced on one of our nation's biggest corporations like happy Germans on Poland.
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In reference to Dan Rather's "Courage" signoff in 1986 and later on his last program in 2005:
Stephen: Until then, America: courage. No, that sounds weak. How about: have some balls.
Stephen: Until then, America: courage. No, that sounds weak. How about: have some balls.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: Until next time, sleep tight, America, in the knowledge that I'll be sleeping, too. Protecting you from the wolf-headed creature which haunts your dreams.
TV Show: The Colbert Report