The Cosby Show Quotes
Cliff: No 14-year-old boy should have a ninety-five dollar shirt, unless he is on stage with his four brothers!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff: What would you do if you found out you were pregnant?
Theo: If I was pregnant? First of all I'd want to find out who did it?
Cliff: But what if you couldn't find out who did it. Then what would you do?
Theo: I'd go to one of my friends.
Cliff: You mean that you would go to Cockroach rather than us your parents?
Theo: If I was pregnant? First of all I'd want to find out who did it?
Cliff: But what if you couldn't find out who did it. Then what would you do?
Theo: I'd go to one of my friends.
Cliff: You mean that you would go to Cockroach rather than us your parents?
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Kenny: [touches the door bell] Dang! Your father still working on the door bell, huh?
Theo: Yes, I guess he is. Come in, Kenny.
Kenny: [gives him a present] Happy graduation.
Theo: What is it?
Kenny: Open it.
Theo: [sits down on the sofa and opens it] Kenny, these are tube socks. They come in six pairs.
Kenny: Actually, five. [shows his sox]
Kenny: I'll go get some tape to fix that door bell. We don't want our guests getting possessed. Walks out the door and closes it behind him.
Theo: Okay.
Theo: Dad, you invited Kenny? I told you there are no more tickets.
Cliff: Aw, come on, Theo. Kenny is like a mother or sister... he's like the brother you never had.
Theo: There's too much people and there's not enough tickets.
Cliff: If there's not enough, then uninvite him.
Theo: But the boy gave me tube socks.
Cliff: Well, then give him a ticket.
Theo: Yes, I guess he is. Come in, Kenny.
Kenny: [gives him a present] Happy graduation.
Theo: What is it?
Kenny: Open it.
Theo: [sits down on the sofa and opens it] Kenny, these are tube socks. They come in six pairs.
Kenny: Actually, five. [shows his sox]
Kenny: I'll go get some tape to fix that door bell. We don't want our guests getting possessed. Walks out the door and closes it behind him.
Theo: Okay.
Theo: Dad, you invited Kenny? I told you there are no more tickets.
Cliff: Aw, come on, Theo. Kenny is like a mother or sister... he's like the brother you never had.
Theo: There's too much people and there's not enough tickets.
Cliff: If there's not enough, then uninvite him.
Theo: But the boy gave me tube socks.
Cliff: Well, then give him a ticket.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Vanessa Huxtable: [hung over] Daddy, my head, my stomach, please, can you give me something?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Nothing I can give you kid, there's no cure for this.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Nothing I can give you kid, there's no cure for this.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
[Denise has asked Cliff to sleep on 32nd St for tickets to a concert. Cliff is laughing]
Cliff: 32nd St. Where?
Denise: On 32nd St... itself.
Cliff: Why, have you volunteered to be a pothole?
Cliff: 32nd St. Where?
Denise: On 32nd St... itself.
Cliff: Why, have you volunteered to be a pothole?
TV Show: The Cosby Show
[Vanessa caught Denise's wedding bouquet]
Vanessa Huxtable: Yes!
Clair Hanks Huxtable: NO!
Vanessa Huxtable: Yes!
Clair Hanks Huxtable: NO!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Theo: I mean, you're a doctor and Mom's a lawyer, but I don't love you any less because you're my dad. So instead of being disappointed that I'm not like you, maybe you should be happy and love me anyway, because I'm your son.
Cliff: Theo... That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life! No wonder you get D's in everything! You're afraid to try because you're afraid your brain is going to explode and it's going to ooze out of your ears. Now I'm telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can. And you're going to do it because I said so. I am your father. I brought you in this world, and I'll take you out!
Cliff: Theo... That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life! No wonder you get D's in everything! You're afraid to try because you're afraid your brain is going to explode and it's going to ooze out of your ears. Now I'm telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can. And you're going to do it because I said so. I am your father. I brought you in this world, and I'll take you out!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Clair: There's a new rule in this house, starting now: No one's to touch anyone anywhere with anything for the rest of their lives!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff: [after learning Denise is going on a date] Claire?
Claire: Yes?
Cliff: Did you tell Denise she could go on a date tonight?
Claire: Yes, I did.
Cliff: Well, have you seen the boy?
Claire: Yes I have.
Cliff: [unaware that the date is standing around the corner] Well how ugly is he?
Claire: Yes?
Cliff: Did you tell Denise she could go on a date tonight?
Claire: Yes, I did.
Cliff: Well, have you seen the boy?
Claire: Yes I have.
Cliff: [unaware that the date is standing around the corner] Well how ugly is he?
TV Show: The Cosby Show
[Cliff and Theo are discussing Theo's grades and his possible future]
Cliff: You graduate from High school, let's say you just slide by. Now you gotta find a job. Now what kind of salary do you expect for a regular person?
Theo: Uhh, $250 a week.
Cliff: Sit down. [giving Theo Monopoly money] I'm gonna give you $300 a week. Yes indeed. $300 a week, $1200 dollars a month.
Theo: Great! I'll take it!
Cliff: Yes you will, and I will take [takes some of the money] $350 for taxes.
Theo: Whoa!
Cliff: Uh, yeah. You see, the government comes for the regular people first. Now how much does that leave you with?
Theo: $850.
Cliff: All right. Now you have got to have an apartment, because you are not going to live here. [taking more money] So an apartment in Manhattan will run you at least $400 a month.
Theo: I'll live in New Jersey. [takes some of the money back]
Cliff: All right, you live in New Jersey, you've got to have a car. [takes some of the money]
Theo: I'll ride a motorbike. [takes back some of the money]
Cliff: You need a helmet. [takes some of the money] Figure $100 a month for clothes and shoes. [takes more money]
Theo: Figure $200 a month, I want to look good! [give Cliff some money]
Cliff: So what's that leave you with?
Theo: $200. So, no problem!
Cliff: There is a problem, you haven't eaten yet! [takes more of the money]
Theo: I can get by on baloney and cereal. [takes back the money taken from him] So I got everything I need, plus two hundred dollars left for the month!
Cliff: You plan to have a girlfriend?
Theo:
Cliff: You graduate from High school, let's say you just slide by. Now you gotta find a job. Now what kind of salary do you expect for a regular person?
Theo: Uhh, $250 a week.
Cliff: Sit down. [giving Theo Monopoly money] I'm gonna give you $300 a week. Yes indeed. $300 a week, $1200 dollars a month.
Theo: Great! I'll take it!
Cliff: Yes you will, and I will take [takes some of the money] $350 for taxes.
Theo: Whoa!
Cliff: Uh, yeah. You see, the government comes for the regular people first. Now how much does that leave you with?
Theo: $850.
Cliff: All right. Now you have got to have an apartment, because you are not going to live here. [taking more money] So an apartment in Manhattan will run you at least $400 a month.
Theo: I'll live in New Jersey. [takes some of the money back]
Cliff: All right, you live in New Jersey, you've got to have a car. [takes some of the money]
Theo: I'll ride a motorbike. [takes back some of the money]
Cliff: You need a helmet. [takes some of the money] Figure $100 a month for clothes and shoes. [takes more money]
Theo: Figure $200 a month, I want to look good! [give Cliff some money]
Cliff: So what's that leave you with?
Theo: $200. So, no problem!
Cliff: There is a problem, you haven't eaten yet! [takes more of the money]
Theo: I can get by on baloney and cereal. [takes back the money taken from him] So I got everything I need, plus two hundred dollars left for the month!
Cliff: You plan to have a girlfriend?
Theo:
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff: Take the sunglasses off! [Denise takes sunglasses off] Put the sunglasses on!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Claire: I love my work, and I'm doing great! But then I come home and I have to help people who put their clothes on backwards. Or they want a car. They don't know how to drive! Or they want to watch television all night long until their eyeballs pop out of their sockets and roll under the couch.
Cliff: Then it's the kids...
Claire: No.
Cliff: No?
Claire: No, I wanted to have the kids. It was important to us! But then I got to work and I sit at that desk for weeks, for hours, preparing a brief, and Mr. Greenbrook Sr. comes in to tell me, 'the case has been settled out of court.' I wanna scream.
Cliff: So it's work...
Claire: No.
Cliff: No?
Claire: No.
Cliff: No?
Claire: No I love my work, I just told you!
Cliff: I'm sorry...
Claire: But then I come home again! People are crying. They need a button sewn on. Somebody's drinking bubble-bath.
Cliff: Then it is the kids!
Claire: No.
Cliff: It's the kids and work!
Claire: No.
Cliff: Then it's me?!
Cliff: Then it's the kids...
Claire: No.
Cliff: No?
Claire: No, I wanted to have the kids. It was important to us! But then I got to work and I sit at that desk for weeks, for hours, preparing a brief, and Mr. Greenbrook Sr. comes in to tell me, 'the case has been settled out of court.' I wanna scream.
Cliff: So it's work...
Claire: No.
Cliff: No?
Claire: No.
Cliff: No?
Claire: No I love my work, I just told you!
Cliff: I'm sorry...
Claire: But then I come home again! People are crying. They need a button sewn on. Somebody's drinking bubble-bath.
Cliff: Then it is the kids!
Claire: No.
Cliff: It's the kids and work!
Claire: No.
Cliff: Then it's me?!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Female Client: That's a wonderful thing you're doing for your wife!
Cliff: Thank you.
Client: How long you been married?
Cliff: 21 years.
Client: How many kids?
Cliff: Four at home and one in college.
Client: Five children and 21 years. What are you celebrating?
Cliff: Survival.
Cliff: Thank you.
Client: How long you been married?
Cliff: 21 years.
Client: How many kids?
Cliff: Four at home and one in college.
Client: Five children and 21 years. What are you celebrating?
Cliff: Survival.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff: Hello? ... This better be necessary. [hands the phone to Claire] It's for you.
Claire: Hello.
The Kids: [on the other end] Good night mom! And don't bring home another baby!
Claire: Hello.
The Kids: [on the other end] Good night mom! And don't bring home another baby!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Claire: Cliff, now this may be impossible, but do you think you can calm down?
Cliff: [happily swerving] Calm? Sure I can be calm!
Claire: Cliff, your eyes are dancing.
Cliff: Are they? [walks to a mirror] Let me see. [looks in the mirror] They are, aren't they? They are! They are dancing!
Claire: Cliff, come on now sit down.
Cliff: No no, do me a favor, do me a favor, say it again. I wanna see them dance, let 'em go! Let 'em go! Say it!
Claire: Football!
Cliff: THERE THEY GO!
Cliff: [happily swerving] Calm? Sure I can be calm!
Claire: Cliff, your eyes are dancing.
Cliff: Are they? [walks to a mirror] Let me see. [looks in the mirror] They are, aren't they? They are! They are dancing!
Claire: Cliff, come on now sit down.
Cliff: No no, do me a favor, do me a favor, say it again. I wanna see them dance, let 'em go! Let 'em go! Say it!
Claire: Football!
Cliff: THERE THEY GO!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Theo: [cleaning the kitchen] Dad is it okay if I take a break now?
Cliff: Yeah, uh you've been working five minutes straight now.
Cliff: Yeah, uh you've been working five minutes straight now.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff's Father: [talking about Theo] Where are you sending him?
Cliff: If he picks up his grades, high school.
Cliff: If he picks up his grades, high school.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Claire: Oh just holding him sets off all these weird stirs, and I wonder if I don't want another one...
Cliff: Uhh, let me help you. You don't.
Cliff: Uhh, let me help you. You don't.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Claire's Mother; When you and Cliff got married, what did I say?
Claire: You wanted me to have a child.
Claire's Mother: Why?
Claire: Revenge.
Claire: You wanted me to have a child.
Claire's Mother: Why?
Claire: Revenge.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
[Vanessa is playing the clarinet badly while Cliff and Theo are playing chess]
Cliff: [starts destroying the game] That´s it, halftime.
Theo: Dad, there's no halftime in chess!
Cliff: The band is playing, so that's halftime.
Cliff: [starts destroying the game] That´s it, halftime.
Theo: Dad, there's no halftime in chess!
Cliff: The band is playing, so that's halftime.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff: [Talking to Denise's boy-friend] If you don't plan on going to college then what do you plan on doing?
David: I think I'm going to just spend some time trying to find myself.
Cliff: And how long do you think that's going to take?
David: About five or ten years.
Cliff: In that amount of time you could find yourself and a few other people.
Denise: Dinners ready. [as Cliff walks by] So how do you like him?
Cliff: I don't know if it's him or not; he hasn't found himself yet.
David: I think I'm going to just spend some time trying to find myself.
Cliff: And how long do you think that's going to take?
David: About five or ten years.
Cliff: In that amount of time you could find yourself and a few other people.
Denise: Dinners ready. [as Cliff walks by] So how do you like him?
Cliff: I don't know if it's him or not; he hasn't found himself yet.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff: The entree, Dr. Huxtable's Salisbury Steak deluxe!
David: I'm sorry, Dr. Huxtable, I don't eat meat.
Cliff: The boy does not eat meat.
David: I'm a vegetarian.
Denise: I didn't know that!
Claire: Well we got lots of red beans and rice.
David: I'm sorry, I only eat brown rice.
Cliff: That's all right, we can take the rice and burn it for you.
David: I'm sorry, Dr. Huxtable, I don't eat meat.
Cliff: The boy does not eat meat.
David: I'm a vegetarian.
Denise: I didn't know that!
Claire: Well we got lots of red beans and rice.
David: I'm sorry, I only eat brown rice.
Cliff: That's all right, we can take the rice and burn it for you.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff: I wish I was 20 again.
Sondra: Would you go to Rio?
Cliff: Your mother wouldn't let me.
Sondra: Would you go to Rio?
Cliff: Your mother wouldn't let me.
TV Show: The Cosby Show