The Cosby Show Quotes
Cliff: Tennis balls!
Rudy: I hope they're the right size.
Cliff: I'm sure they're the right size! Let me see. [opens up the canister]
Rudy: I looked in your closet, and there was only one left.
Cliff: And you know what, they are the right size!
Rudy: I hope they're the right size.
Cliff: I'm sure they're the right size! Let me see. [opens up the canister]
Rudy: I looked in your closet, and there was only one left.
Cliff: And you know what, they are the right size!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Claire: Make sure she stays in the bed, give her lots of liquids, and aspirin every four hours.
Cliff: I don't believe you! You're the only woman who went to law school and got a degree in medicine!
Cliff: I don't believe you! You're the only woman who went to law school and got a degree in medicine!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff: Look my folks are not coming over to eat, they are coming over here to spoil the children.
Claire: Well what do you expect? They're grandparents.
Cliff: Right, grandparents, all right. These are not the same people I grew up with, these are the biggest hypocrites you've ever seen.
Claire: Well what do you expect? They're grandparents.
Cliff: Right, grandparents, all right. These are not the same people I grew up with, these are the biggest hypocrites you've ever seen.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Claire: Your mother's one of the sweetest people I've ever met.
Cliff: I didn't say she wasn't sweet. But this woman comes over here to the house, kisses every child. 'Just come here and kiss your grandmother. Oh you're just the most beautiful children on the face of this earth!' But when I was her child, I'm telling you, this woman, all she ever wanted to do was take a stick and ask God to give her enough strength so she could knock us somewhere! And to this day, I still don't know where Kingdom-come is. And all she is, as far as I'm concerned, is an old person trying to get into Heaven now.
Cliff: I didn't say she wasn't sweet. But this woman comes over here to the house, kisses every child. 'Just come here and kiss your grandmother. Oh you're just the most beautiful children on the face of this earth!' But when I was her child, I'm telling you, this woman, all she ever wanted to do was take a stick and ask God to give her enough strength so she could knock us somewhere! And to this day, I still don't know where Kingdom-come is. And all she is, as far as I'm concerned, is an old person trying to get into Heaven now.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Denise: What would you do if someone you loved swore you to secrecy, but you knew keeping that secret may not be too good for that person?
Cliff: Is the person who has sworn to secrecy in this family?
Denise: ... yeah.
Cliff: Is the secrecy juicy?
Denise: Yeah.
Cliff: Tell it!
Cliff: Is the person who has sworn to secrecy in this family?
Denise: ... yeah.
Cliff: Is the secrecy juicy?
Denise: Yeah.
Cliff: Tell it!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Theo: [revealing his earring to Cliff] It's an earring, dad. There's a hole in my ear, and Denise says it might be infected.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff: Well, she's right. It is infected. Come on.
Theo: What are you gonna do to me?
Cliff: I am going to fix your ear.
Theo: Then what?
Cliff: You expecting some sort of punishment?
Theo: Shouldn't I?
Cliff: Yeah.
Theo: What are you gonna do to me?
Cliff: I am going to fix your ear.
Theo: Then what?
Cliff: You expecting some sort of punishment?
Theo: Shouldn't I?
Cliff: Yeah.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Theo: Dad, Denise is hogging the bathroom!
Cliff: Why don't you use the one downstairs?
Theo: The small one? That one's for guests.
Cliff: Then pretend you don't live here.
Cliff: Why don't you use the one downstairs?
Theo: The small one? That one's for guests.
Cliff: Then pretend you don't live here.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Vanessa: Theo is babysitting?!
Cliff: That's right.
Vanessa: But what if the house catches fire?
Cliff: Then Theo will call the fire department!
Vanessa: Well what if burglars break in?
Cliff: Then Theo will un-arm them!
Vanessa: Well what if they know karate?
Cliff: Then Theo will die!
Cliff: That's right.
Vanessa: But what if the house catches fire?
Cliff: Then Theo will call the fire department!
Vanessa: Well what if burglars break in?
Cliff: Then Theo will un-arm them!
Vanessa: Well what if they know karate?
Cliff: Then Theo will die!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Theo: Hi mom!
Claire: Hi. Where are you going?
Theo: Down the street to play touch football.
Claire: Theo, it's five degrees out there!
Theo: I got two pairs of socks on.
Claire: Well you are putting on gloves and a hat.
Theo: Mom, this is freeze football. If you wear a lot of stuff, you're not a real man!
Claire: Well how's a real man gonna feel when his mother shows up on the field carrying his gloves and a hat?
Claire: Hi. Where are you going?
Theo: Down the street to play touch football.
Claire: Theo, it's five degrees out there!
Theo: I got two pairs of socks on.
Claire: Well you are putting on gloves and a hat.
Theo: Mom, this is freeze football. If you wear a lot of stuff, you're not a real man!
Claire: Well how's a real man gonna feel when his mother shows up on the field carrying his gloves and a hat?
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Theo: Hey dad.
Cliff: Hey, where you going?
Theo: Freeze football.
Cliff: You can't play freeze football like that, you gotta take all that stuff off!
Cliff: Hey, where you going?
Theo: Freeze football.
Cliff: You can't play freeze football like that, you gotta take all that stuff off!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
[Theo is wearing a sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off]
Cliff: Theo is that the shirt we bought?
Theo: Yeah.
Cliff: Well, when we bought it, didn't it have sleeves?
Theo: Yeah, they're upstairs.
Cliff: Well, didn't they feel like coming down this morning?
Cliff: Theo is that the shirt we bought?
Theo: Yeah.
Cliff: Well, when we bought it, didn't it have sleeves?
Theo: Yeah, they're upstairs.
Cliff: Well, didn't they feel like coming down this morning?
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff: [after saying how expensive the sweatshirt was] Now, if fashion dictates that you cut sleeves off, that's fine with me. But somehow, somewhere, in this lifetime, you will wear those sleeves.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff: [Phone rings.] Oh, not another Vanessa caller. [answers] Vanessa's residence? No, she cannot come to the phone right now. Because it's now 10: 01, and she cannot take any calls past 10: 00. No I cannot take a message, I am her father. I'm a doctor, I graduated from medical school, alright? Thank you for calling, this is a live voice.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Claire: Cliff that really was not necessary.
Cliff: What?
Claire: Cliff, these classes are competitive enough without us putting extra pressure on this girl.
Cliff: There's nothing wrong with a little competition.
Claire: Okay I just don't want Vanessa to get carried away like a certain person in this family...
Cliff: You talking about me?
Claire: Yes. Yes as a matter of fact I am. Now let's take the way you play Monopoly.
Cliff: What does Monopoly got to do with science?
Claire: I'm talking about the way you handle competition. You see, most human beings view Monopoly as a game. But you take it as a means to crush all those who dare challenge you! You are the worst! Someone gets a 'Go to Jail' card, you applaud.
Cliff: That's right.
Claire: Somebody lands on your property, you start making cash register sounds!
Cliff: Cha-ching! Cha-ching! That's right!
Claire: And then when you win, you pile all your money up on the floor and roll in it! You are the worst!
Cliff: Yeah, now I know what you're talking about! This has nothing to do with science. You're still warm about the Monopoly game we played- [laughs] and- and I had Broadwalk, and you rolled the dice, and you landed on my Broadwalk! And I had about 5000 hotels, and 600 houses, and you only had $30! And I told you to pay up, and you said, 'But I'm your wife!'[claire leaves the room] ...and you'd better pay!
Cliff: What?
Claire: Cliff, these classes are competitive enough without us putting extra pressure on this girl.
Cliff: There's nothing wrong with a little competition.
Claire: Okay I just don't want Vanessa to get carried away like a certain person in this family...
Cliff: You talking about me?
Claire: Yes. Yes as a matter of fact I am. Now let's take the way you play Monopoly.
Cliff: What does Monopoly got to do with science?
Claire: I'm talking about the way you handle competition. You see, most human beings view Monopoly as a game. But you take it as a means to crush all those who dare challenge you! You are the worst! Someone gets a 'Go to Jail' card, you applaud.
Cliff: That's right.
Claire: Somebody lands on your property, you start making cash register sounds!
Cliff: Cha-ching! Cha-ching! That's right!
Claire: And then when you win, you pile all your money up on the floor and roll in it! You are the worst!
Cliff: Yeah, now I know what you're talking about! This has nothing to do with science. You're still warm about the Monopoly game we played- [laughs] and- and I had Broadwalk, and you rolled the dice, and you landed on my Broadwalk! And I had about 5000 hotels, and 600 houses, and you only had $30! And I told you to pay up, and you said, 'But I'm your wife!'[claire leaves the room] ...and you'd better pay!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Claire: Now, Ms. Huxtable. Would you please tell the court exactly what Mr. Wilson said to you after he examined your engine for the first time?
Cliff: You know, I have the perfect strategy, for this mechanic huddle. I think that we ought to just forget about the trial, and the three of us go over to his house and beat him up!
Cliff: You know, I have the perfect strategy, for this mechanic huddle. I think that we ought to just forget about the trial, and the three of us go over to his house and beat him up!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Vanessa: Dad can I talk to you for a minute?
Cliff: Sure.
Vanessa: Privately? It's about boys.
Rudy: Excuuuuuse me.
Cliff: Sure.
Vanessa: Privately? It's about boys.
Rudy: Excuuuuuse me.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Claire: If I died, would you marry again?
Cliff: We'll talk about it when it happens.
Claire: We can't talk about it then!
Cliff: Okay, no. the answer is no. I wouldn't.
Claire: Under no circumstances, if I die, would you marry again. You would be single forever?
Cliff: Yes. Claire: Would you date somebody?
Cliff: No. I wouldn't.
Claire: Okay, Cliff I'm dead. I'm gone.
Cliff: And you're still in the bed with me?
Cliff: We'll talk about it when it happens.
Claire: We can't talk about it then!
Cliff: Okay, no. the answer is no. I wouldn't.
Claire: Under no circumstances, if I die, would you marry again. You would be single forever?
Cliff: No. I wouldn't.
Claire: Okay, Cliff I'm dead. I'm gone.
Cliff: And you're still in the bed with me?
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff: Suppose I die, and your mother came home with a 19 year old boy...
Sondra: Yeah?
Cliff: Well what do you mean, 'yeah?' I mean, I'm dead, and you can't even mourn for a tenth of a second?
Sondra: Dad, you're not dead, you're sitting right here. This is a hypothetical death.
Cliff: Okay, it's a hypothetical death, but you didn't even take the time out for a hypothetical mourning! I mean it's almost as if you wished I was dead.
Sondra: No, dad, I don't want you to die!
Cliff: Are you sure?
Sondra: Yes.
Claire: Cliff, what's the point?
Cliff: The point is I'm dead, and you all have me out on the sidewalk with the garbage.
Claire: Cliff you are a wonderful husband and a loving father, but darling, you do have a problem. You never get to the point.
Cliff: I am trying to get to the point.
Claire: All right Cliff, go ahead. If you die...
Cliff: Never mind.
Sondra: Yeah?
Cliff: Well what do you mean, 'yeah?' I mean, I'm dead, and you can't even mourn for a tenth of a second?
Sondra: Dad, you're not dead, you're sitting right here. This is a hypothetical death.
Cliff: Okay, it's a hypothetical death, but you didn't even take the time out for a hypothetical mourning! I mean it's almost as if you wished I was dead.
Sondra: No, dad, I don't want you to die!
Cliff: Are you sure?
Sondra: Yes.
Claire: Cliff, what's the point?
Cliff: The point is I'm dead, and you all have me out on the sidewalk with the garbage.
Claire: Cliff you are a wonderful husband and a loving father, but darling, you do have a problem. You never get to the point.
Cliff: I am trying to get to the point.
Claire: All right Cliff, go ahead. If you die...
Cliff: Never mind.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Rudy Voiceover: Hey you kids out there! This show's specially for you. I guess you grown-ups will like it too.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Rudy: [after making a phone call] Hello? This is Rudy. Rudy Huxtable. I live in New York City. [Cliff enters and sits beside her]
Cliff: Yes, uh pardon me. [takes the phone] Hello? Hi, uh this is Rudy's father. Well how is the weather in Ireland? Well she's five. Oh you do? No I don't want to talk to Sean. Yeah, okay, good. Okay, and top of the morning to you too!
Cliff: Yes, uh pardon me. [takes the phone] Hello? Hi, uh this is Rudy's father. Well how is the weather in Ireland? Well she's five. Oh you do? No I don't want to talk to Sean. Yeah, okay, good. Okay, and top of the morning to you too!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff: [addressing several of Rudy's friends in heavy winter clothing] All right. As fast as you can, take off your clothes, and after you take off your clothes, go to bed!
Kids: But we just got here!
Cliff: What?
Kids: But we just got here!
Cliff: That's right, so go to sleep, then you get up in the morning and I'll take you all home!
Kids: But we just got here!
Cliff: What?
Kids: But we just got here!
Cliff: That's right, so go to sleep, then you get up in the morning and I'll take you all home!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff: Now Rudy, what did your grandpa do to make you all quiet?
Rudy: He said if you all sit down quietly and smile, you'll give us all a dollar by morning.
Rudy: He said if you all sit down quietly and smile, you'll give us all a dollar by morning.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff: [entering a building] Hi Chester. How's everything going?
Chester: You late! You have a whole class back there yelling at me! Get here on time!
Claire: [nicely] Hello, Chester.
Chester: [nicely] Well hello, Mrs. Huxtable!
Cliff: Why are you being so nice to her? She's late too Chester.
Chester: Well she's late, but looks good. You just late!
Chester: You late! You have a whole class back there yelling at me! Get here on time!
Claire: [nicely] Hello, Chester.
Chester: [nicely] Well hello, Mrs. Huxtable!
Cliff: Why are you being so nice to her? She's late too Chester.
Chester: Well she's late, but looks good. You just late!
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff: The joy of a birthday, is finding out what the present is, before when he gets it. And you know I always do.
Claire: Not this year.
Cliff: 'Not this year.' You say that every year, and every year, I find out. So what do you wanna do, you wanna tell me what it is now sweetie? Or do you want me to start working on the children?
Claire: You may work on whoever you please.
Cliff: Really?
Claire: But you're not gonna find out anything.
Cliff: Let the games begin.
Claire: Not this year.
Cliff: 'Not this year.' You say that every year, and every year, I find out. So what do you wanna do, you wanna tell me what it is now sweetie? Or do you want me to start working on the children?
Claire: You may work on whoever you please.
Cliff: Really?
Claire: But you're not gonna find out anything.
Cliff: Let the games begin.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Cliff: So I know there's going to be a present for me, boy. So, what is it?
Theo: Come on dad, you know I can't tell you.
Cliff: [chuckles] I know that. How old are you now?
Theo: 14.
Cliff: 14. Two years from now, you're going to want a car. I'm the only one who can buy it for you. So my boy, what's it gonna be?
Theo: Okay dad.
Cliff: Okay.
Theo: Come on dad, you know I can't tell you.
Cliff: [chuckles] I know that. How old are you now?
Theo: 14.
Cliff: 14. Two years from now, you're going to want a car. I'm the only one who can buy it for you. So my boy, what's it gonna be?
Theo: Okay dad.
Cliff: Okay.
TV Show: The Cosby Show
Theo: This year, everyone is pitching in to get you something you're really gonna love.
Cliff: Well what is it?
Cliff: Well what is it?
TV Show: The Cosby Show