The Daily Show Quotes
Nancy Grace: There have been reports Anna Nicole Smith actually choked on her own vomit.
Jon Stewart: You know, I'm not choking on mine right now, but I'm tasting it a little.
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Narrator: More Americans get their news from The Daily Show than any other nationality.
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Patrick Leahy: We pass a law that says it's against the law to murder someone in the United States.
Jon Stewart: [stuttering] We-we don't have that law? I'll be right back. [Jon runs away, jumps out the door]
Jon Stewart: Ha, ha! Hobo! I got to find me a hobo! [runs up to hobo and starts strangling him]
Jon Stewart: Ahhh! Hobo! How do you like that hobo?
Man: Hey, murder's already illegal! [Jon runs back to news desk]
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President Bush: [after being "elected" in the controversial 2000 election] I was not elected to serve one party.
Jon Stewart: You were not elected. [audience cheers]
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President Bush: [recorded news statement] The US Military has given Saddam Hussein a message, and tonight a military aircraft will be flying over Iraq, broadcasting that same message to the Iraqi people.
Jon Stewart: That message is: "Heads up."
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President Bush: Americans do not have to choose between a strong economy and a clean environment.
Jon Stewart: You'll get neither and like it!
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Rep. Duncan Hunter: [on how the 20th 9/11 hijacker is being treated at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba] ... his dinner is noodles Jefferson.
Jon Stewart: Noodles Jefferson! I think I went to high school with that guy. I went to high school with Noodles Je... I remember very clearly we called him "Noodles" because... ehh... of his fondness for... uhhh... he liked noodles. Big fan of the noodles. What are ya eatin' today... noodles.
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Reporter: ...given the recent surge in violence, do you agree with Dick Cheney's assessment that the insurgency is in its last throes?
George W. Bush: I think about Iraq every day. *Every single day*.
Jon Stewart: Really? You think about the war you started every day? "Yeah, I tie a little string around my finger. Sometimes I look down at it, I think 'What's that doin' there?' Then I remember, I think, 'Oh shit.' It's that... Uh... That war."
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Republican National Chairman: We're so very focused in running a positive campaign...
Jon Stewart: [incredulous] What?
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Ted Kennedy: [about Northern Ireland] You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them.
Jon Stewart: There you have it folks. Years of religious turmoil boiled down to a Kenny Rogers lyric.
TV Show: The Daily Show