The Daily Show Quotes
[about Wesley Clark's decision to drop out of the presidential race]
Jon Stewart: Now, Samantha, could you describe the attitude in Wesley Clark's campaign bus? I'd think it would be one of disappointment.
Samantha Bee: Well, Jon, if you can just *assume* my report, then I guess I don't have to be here in Arkansas.
Jon Stewart: I'm sorry, Samantha. Tell us, what was the mood in Clark's bus?
Samantha Bee: Actually, disappointment was pretty apt.
Jon Stewart: Now, Samantha, could you describe the attitude in Wesley Clark's campaign bus? I'd think it would be one of disappointment.
Samantha Bee: Well, Jon, if you can just *assume* my report, then I guess I don't have to be here in Arkansas.
Jon Stewart: I'm sorry, Samantha. Tell us, what was the mood in Clark's bus?
Samantha Bee: Actually, disappointment was pretty apt.
TV Show: The Daily Show
[after discussing Bill O'Reilly's one-year-out-of-date, presumably sarcastic "Merry Christmas, Jon Stewart!"]
Jon Stewart: You know what? It's okay, if Bill O'Reilly needs to have an enemy, needs to feel persecuted, you know what? Here's my Kwanzaa gift to him. Are you ready? All right. [holiday overlay frame fades in]
Jon Stewart: I'm your enemy, make me your enemy. I, Jon Stewart... hate Christmas. Christians! Jews- morality. And I will not rest, until every year, families gather to spend December 25th together... at Osama's homobortionpot'n'commiejizzporium. [audience laughs and cheers]
Jon Stewart: You know what? It's okay, if Bill O'Reilly needs to have an enemy, needs to feel persecuted, you know what? Here's my Kwanzaa gift to him. Are you ready? All right. [holiday overlay frame fades in]
Jon Stewart: I'm your enemy, make me your enemy. I, Jon Stewart... hate Christmas. Christians! Jews- morality. And I will not rest, until every year, families gather to spend December 25th together... at Osama's homobortionpot'n'commiejizzporium. [audience laughs and cheers]
TV Show: The Daily Show
[after he won the Oklahoma Primary]
Wesley Clark: Oklahoma is OK with me!
Jon Stewart: General Clark then added, "Idaho! Alaska!" And then became the first candidate in history to be yanked off the stage with a cane.
Wesley Clark: Oklahoma is OK with me!
Jon Stewart: General Clark then added, "Idaho! Alaska!" And then became the first candidate in history to be yanked off the stage with a cane.
TV Show: The Daily Show
[after President Bush describes terrorists several times]
Jon Stewart: [pulling out a bottle] Okay, looks like this is gonna be a while, so if you're playing at home, remember, it's a shot of tequila every time he says 'Terrorist, ' 'Danger, ' or 'Madman'.
Jon Stewart: [pulling out a bottle] Okay, looks like this is gonna be a while, so if you're playing at home, remember, it's a shot of tequila every time he says 'Terrorist, ' 'Danger, ' or 'Madman'.
TV Show: The Daily Show
[as Dennis Kucinich holds a peace sign after voting]
Jon Stewart: Congressman Dennis Kucinich voted in his home state of Ohio. As he left the booth, he held up a peace sign... and held it... and held it... he's holding it... and still holding it. Kucinich was then asked for the millionth time why he was still running for president; at that point, he lowered one of the fingers.
Jon Stewart: Congressman Dennis Kucinich voted in his home state of Ohio. As he left the booth, he held up a peace sign... and held it... and held it... he's holding it... and still holding it. Kucinich was then asked for the millionth time why he was still running for president; at that point, he lowered one of the fingers.
TV Show: The Daily Show
[follwing a series of bizarre statements from the House's hearings on violent video games]
Jon Stewart: Seriously, the House of Representatives is filled with insane jackasses.
Jon Stewart: Seriously, the House of Representatives is filled with insane jackasses.
TV Show: The Daily Show
[Impersonating Howard Dean]
Jon Stewart: Who's got two thumbs and a creepy, freaky smile?
Jon Stewart: Who's got two thumbs and a creepy, freaky smile?
TV Show: The Daily Show
[In a recorded debate, John Kerry asks Howard Dean 'What were you thinking?' in response to some comments Dean had made]
Jon Stewart: He was probably thinking "I can say some really insane things and still beat John Kerry."
Jon Stewart: He was probably thinking "I can say some really insane things and still beat John Kerry."
TV Show: The Daily Show
[Jon Stewart asks correspondent Stephen Colbert, ostensibly reporting live from the U.S. victory in Baghdad, Iraq, about the rebuilding process]
Stephen Colbert: We won. Rebuilding is for losers. Time to party. And then it's off to Syria for the next invasion.
Jon Stewart: Are we invading Syria?
Stephen Colbert: Am I still bound by the military's restrictions on embedded reporters?
Jon Stewart: Yes.
Stephen Colbert: Then no.
Stephen Colbert: We won. Rebuilding is for losers. Time to party. And then it's off to Syria for the next invasion.
Jon Stewart: Are we invading Syria?
Stephen Colbert: Am I still bound by the military's restrictions on embedded reporters?
Jon Stewart: Yes.
Stephen Colbert: Then no.
TV Show: The Daily Show
[on the 2000 election]
Jon Stewart: What's your overall sense of the mood down at the Republican convention floor. How did it feel to be there last night during the speech?
Stephen Colbert: Well, Jon, as a journalist I have to maintain my objectivity, but I would say the feeling down here was one of a pervasive and palpable evil. A thick demonic stench that rolls over you and clings like hot black tar, a nightmare from which you cannot awaken, a nameless fear that lives in the dark spaces beyond your peripheral vision and drives you toward inhuman cruelties and unspeakable perversions. The delegates' bloated, pustulent bodies twisting from one obscene form to another, giant spider-shaped and ravenous wolf-headed creatures who feast upon the flesh of the innocent and suck the marrow from the bones of the poor.
Jon Stewart: What's your overall sense of the mood down at the Republican convention floor. How did it feel to be there last night during the speech?
Stephen Colbert: Well, Jon, as a journalist I have to maintain my objectivity, but I would say the feeling down here was one of a pervasive and palpable evil. A thick demonic stench that rolls over you and clings like hot black tar, a nightmare from which you cannot awaken, a nameless fear that lives in the dark spaces beyond your peripheral vision and drives you toward inhuman cruelties and unspeakable perversions. The delegates' bloated, pustulent bodies twisting from one obscene form to another, giant spider-shaped and ravenous wolf-headed creatures who feast upon the flesh of the innocent and suck the marrow from the bones of the poor.
TV Show: The Daily Show
[on the capture of Sadam Hussein]
Jon Stewart: You've probably heard the news, unless you were in a hole, in which case, you were probably the guy we caught.
Jon Stewart: You've probably heard the news, unless you were in a hole, in which case, you were probably the guy we caught.
TV Show: The Daily Show
[on the military's asking Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq]
Jon Stewart: It should be mentioned that the only other people the US has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam and his two sons.
Jon Stewart: It should be mentioned that the only other people the US has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam and his two sons.
TV Show: The Daily Show
[President Bush makes a speech about NASCAR promoting values]
Jon Stewart: Values like burning as much gas as you can so you can drive around an oval for hours.
Jon Stewart: Values like burning as much gas as you can so you can drive around an oval for hours.
TV Show: The Daily Show
[reporting on the deaths of Saddam Hussein's sons, Uday and Qusay]
Samantha Bee: There are a lot of electrodes that will be flying at half-testicle tonight.
Samantha Bee: There are a lot of electrodes that will be flying at half-testicle tonight.
TV Show: The Daily Show
[Steve Carell is being interviewed for "The Forty-Year-Old Virgin" - they sit in silence for several minutes, Steve staring straight ahead and Jon squirming and fidgeting. Finally: ]
Jon Stewart: Do you have a report to file?
Steve Carrell: I don't file reports anymore, Jon. I do movies.
Jon Stewart: Oh. [squirms uncomfortably]
Jon Stewart: Was I supposed to have some questions for you?
Steve Carrell: You may ask me anything you like, Jon. And I will answer it. If I feel like it.
Jon Stewart: Why did you leave us? [Jon breaks down crying, and Steve comes over and hugs him]
Jon Stewart: Do you have a report to file?
Steve Carrell: I don't file reports anymore, Jon. I do movies.
Jon Stewart: Oh. [squirms uncomfortably]
Jon Stewart: Was I supposed to have some questions for you?
Steve Carrell: You may ask me anything you like, Jon. And I will answer it. If I feel like it.
Jon Stewart: Why did you leave us? [Jon breaks down crying, and Steve comes over and hugs him]
TV Show: The Daily Show
[talking about filming _Reckoning, The 2003_ qv in Spain]
Jon Stewart: Did you meet any Spanish people?
Willem Dafoe: Oh, yeah, half of our crew was Spanish.
Jon Stewart: Name one. [pause]
Willem Dafoe: Jose.
Jon Stewart: Did you meet any Spanish people?
Willem Dafoe: Oh, yeah, half of our crew was Spanish.
Jon Stewart: Name one. [pause]
Willem Dafoe: Jose.
TV Show: The Daily Show
[watching a riot in a South Korean congress]
Jon Stewart: It looks like someone is about to introduce a bill... [somebody throws a folder full of papers at the judge]
Jon Stewart: And there it is.
Jon Stewart: It looks like someone is about to introduce a bill... [somebody throws a folder full of papers at the judge]
Jon Stewart: And there it is.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Drew Barrymore: [footage of her on a TV show] I took a poo in the woods. It was awesome!
Contributor, 'Back in Black': If there wasn't a better symbol for America being out of touch with the world than a celebrity crapping in the native's back yard, I havent found one!
TV Show: The Daily Show
Harrison Ford: I don't really do action movies.
Jon Stewart: You were Indiana Jones.
Harrison Ford: Yeah, but...
Jon Stewart: And Jack Ryan.
Harrison Ford: I always saw Indiana Jones as a comedy.
Jon Stewart: Well, I can assure you it's not.
Harrison Ford: I'll have to let Spielberg know that. "Steve- not funny."
Jon Stewart: You know Spielberg?
TV Show: The Daily Show
Alec Baldwin: I think Colin Powell is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Jon Stewart: I feel so sorry for him. If I saw him, I would just be like this: [extends arms]
Jon Stewart: Hold me.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Frank DeCaro: The movie Traffic also stars Benicio Del Toro who, if he were any more unattractive, would be absolutely irresistible.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Contributor, 'Back in Black': [after showing a commercial advocating President Bush] Here's the message I'm getting from this commercial: "We had to take out Sadam Hussein because, as the Communist leader of Germany, he blew up the World Trade Center, and that's why we went to Vietnam. Vote for Reagan!"
TV Show: The Daily Show
Contributor, 'Back in Black': [after the 2003 Stanley Cup finals] This is how lame hockey has gotten: the country that invented it lost to a country that doesn't care about it, in a state that has NO natural ice!
TV Show: The Daily Show
Contributor, 'Back in Black': [discussing disaster-torn Sri Lanka attracting only 4 tourists] And those four tourists were Cameron Diaz and her three friends! And Drew Barrymore just took a shit in the pool!
TV Show: The Daily Show
Contributor, 'Back in Black': [discussing summer travel] Or how about Las Vegas? America's Mecca of smoking, gambling, and drinking. Or as I like to call it, The Happiest Place On Earth!
TV Show: The Daily Show
Contributor, 'Back in Black': [discussing the new Wynn Hotel/Casino in Las Vegas] It's the most expensive hotel ever built. So how do they pay for it? By a three hour commercial otherwise known as The Today Show. [footage of hosts saying "They let us in."]
Contributor, 'Back in Black': Really? For three hours of free advertising on network television, they just let you in the casino? Wow!
TV Show: The Daily Show
Contributor, 'Back in Black': [footage of Mark McGwire crying during testimony] Hey, idiot! There's no crying in baseball testimony!
TV Show: The Daily Show
Contributor, 'Back in Black': [footage of NRA President Wayne La Pierre saying: "What is a watch list?"] Hey, asshole! It's a list of suspected terrorists that we're watching. In this case, watching buy guns.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Contributor, 'Back in Black': [regarding a new prescription-dispensing drug "ATM"] Wow, that will save a lot of time, because old people are whizzes when it comes to new technology!
TV Show: The Daily Show
Contributor, 'Back in Black': [regarding Christian groups that promote abstinence-only education] So, your incentive to get people to become Christian is that they shouldn't have sex? Well, I've got one thing to say about that: Baruch atah adonai!
TV Show: The Daily Show