The Daily Show Quotes
Contributor, 'Back in Black': [showing footage of the E! reenactment of the Michael Jackson trial in which the names of the accused are bleeped out] Now I can read lips, and the name of the defendant is Motherfucker.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Contributor, 'Back in Black': [showing footage of the E! reenactment of the Michael Jackson trial] I'd show you my reaction to all of this, but that's beneath me. Now here's the reenactment of my rection to the Michael Jackson trial.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Contributor, 'Back in Black': Growing up, my baseball heroes were Wade Boggs, Babe Ruth, and even Joe DiMaggio. They were drunks! They had to overcome their substance! So why can't baseball go back to its roots? Forget the performance-enhancing drugs and bring back the performance-hindering ones! At the very least, do it for the children!
TV Show: The Daily Show
Contributor, 'Back in Black': Listen, Osama! I don't care how far you've gone, I don't care how long you've planned. There's no way that you can kill more Americans with *your* guns then we do with our *own*. This is the big leagues, baby! Jon?
TV Show: The Daily Show
Contributor, 'Back in Black': Now, we all know the best medical advice doesn't come from the church or some machine, but from the people you trust the most: celebrities! Actor and lovestruck Scientologist Tom Cruise appeared on the Today Show last Friday, where he shared his beliefs on mental health.
Tom Cruise: I've never agreed with psychiatry, ever. Before I was a scientologist, I never agreed with psychiatry. And I know that psychiatry is a pseudo science.
Contributor, 'Back in Black': Unlike scientology. I mean, that's got science right in the name!
Contributor, 'Back in Black': The climax came when Matt Lauer suggested that therapy and anti-depressants might work for some people.
Tom Cruise: Do you know what Adderall is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug? Do you understand that? You don't know the history of psychiatry; I do. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.
Contributor, 'Back in Black': No? Then, what do you call what's happening to you right now?
TV Show: The Daily Show
Contributor, 'Back in Black': President Bush has refused to speak at any NAACP meetings because of scheduling conflicts. That's because he's spent the last five years *scheduling* conflicts!
TV Show: The Daily Show
Contributor, 'Back in Black': The biggest surprise was that the Tony Awards were on TV at all. I don't give a shit. Hell, I live behind a Broadway theater and I don't give a shit. I performed on Broadway this year, and I still don't give a shit!
TV Show: The Daily Show
Contributor, 'Back in Black': War is all the rage these days, so let me lay another one on you - TIVO vs. Advertisers. With more and more Americans zapping commercials, advertisers are going guerilla on our asses. Taking it to new and better heights. For example, five-foot tall bulimic men. The Churchill Downs recently OK'd the jockeys to wear advertisements on their shorts. The commission for the Churchill Downs has stated in the past that it didn't want, quote "advertisements that would not taint or destroy the fine tradition here at Churchill Downs". That means that they didn't want ads tainting the nobility of gambling. Which means no ads for glue or dog food, it upsets the horses! So what did the ads permit? An ad for Hypnotiq, a liquor made from vodka, cognac, and tropical fruit juices. Just perfect for Derby Day. And it's the only drink more likely to make you puke than a mint julep. Baseball has also permitted these ads, but the players wont wear them. Not because of the purity of the game, but the ads conflict with the player's own endorsement deals. Speed Stick? I thought they endorsed Right Guard! Say it aint so!
TV Show: The Daily Show
A. Whitney Brown: Hello, I'm A. Whitney Brown. Some day, I hope to be THE Whitney Brown.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Steve Carrell: [as announcer for Moviefone] Hello, and welcome to Moviefone. To select "The Passion of the Christ", press 1. To select Jesus Christ as your personal savior, press 2. If you were one of they who mocked him, ye I say unto thee, press 3. To hear these instructions again in Tongues, press 4.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: [after footage of Jerry Falwell saying "Blow them all away in the name of the Lord"] This just in, Jesus has quit.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: [from "The Colbert Report" sketches, on his name being pronounced "Coal Bear"] It's French, bitch!
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: [from "The Colbert Report" sketches] Liberal? Conservative? All that matters is that you're wrong.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: [on the white house's new chef] I think the right may be shocked to learn she once made an organic quince tart with a lactose free cremon glaze for a vegan banquet.
Jon Stewart: [shrugs] Why would that upset the right?
Stephen Colbert: It's gay food, Jon. About as gay as it gets. Might as well just stick it up your butt.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: After all, it was Thomas Jefferson who said "Everyone imposes his own system as far as his army can reach."
Jon Stewart: No, that was Stalin. Thomas Jefferson said that he'd "Rather have free press and no government, than a government and no free press".
Stephen Colbert: Well, what else would you expect from a slave-banging, Hitler-loving queer?
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: Are you afraid that associating with the Republican party might bring a taint of corruption to boxing?
Don King: Let me say this - I'm a promoter of the people for the people and by the people and my magic lies in my people ties. I'm a promoter of America. I'm American people. You know what I mean? So therefore, uh, do not send for who the bell tolls 'cause the bell tolls for thee.
Stephen Colbert: I'll take that as a "maybe"?
Don King: If a bullfrog had wings it wouldn't bump his behind every time he hopped.
Stephen Colbert: I... I get you.
Don King: Yes, thank you.
Stephen Colbert: What is it I get?
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: IMAX. You're familiar with the IMAX format if you're an elementary school student on a field trip or a college student on a mushroom trip.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: In street lingo, are you running to stick it to the man?
Al Sharpton: I don't know what street you got that language...
Stephen Colbert: The urban street. The mean streets.
Al Sharpton: I'm sticking up for a lot of people that have felt that no one has stuck up for them, but I'm not trying to stick it to anyone.
Stephen Colbert: Not even the man?
Al Sharpton: Who's the man?
Stephen Colbert: Let's pretend for a moment that I'm the man. Now, stick it to me.
Al Sharpton: uh... I'm not sticking it to anyone.
Stephen Colbert: Not even the man? He's very stickable.
Al Sharpton: I don't get thrilled by sticking it to you, I get thrilled by stopping you... sticking it... st... you're sticking it to me.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: It used to be that our elected officials were veterans of World War II, Vietnam, or the Civil Rights Movement. But with the election of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota and Arnold Schwarzenegger in California, I foresee a day when all our leaders will come from the movie "Predator." Think about it. Governor Carl Weathers. No, wait, *Senator* Predator. I bet he has some pretty interesting things to say about tort reform.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: More and more pharmacists are refusing to fill birth control medication. For this guy, life begins when you first think about having sex.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: My name isn't really Stephen Colbert. It's actually Ted Hitler... A very distant relationship... Two generations back... Directly... I'm the grandson of Hitler.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: Pretend that I'm you, the Reverend Al Sharpton, and you're me, Stephen Colbert. Tell me why me/you should vote for you/me.
Al Sharpton: You're Reverend Al Sharpton?
Stephen Colbert: I'm the Reverend Al Sharpton. You're Stephen Colbert. Tell me...
Al Sharpton: Tell Al Sharpton?
Stephen Colbert: Tell me/you why you/me should vote for me/you.
Al Sharpton: Because you/me are the best candidate, and you oughta know that.
Stephen Colbert: You're gonna have to back that up, because right now, you aren't persuading you.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: Saddam Hussein will most likely plead a case of self-defense...
Jon Stewart: Wait a minute, Stephen... self-defense? The man killed 400,000 Kurds.
Stephen Colbert: ...who snuck up on him, Jon.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: That's it for This Week In God. Be sure to tune in next week when I reveal my new hidden-camera special: Church Booth Confessions.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: That's it for This Week In God. But before we go, let's check last week's collection plates! The Catholics are once again number one, no surprises there. The Baptists come in second, followed by the Methodists. Ooh, Scientology, I'll just check Variety. And finally, Jews for Jesus - buptkiss. But can you really put a price on offending two major religions at once?
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: Welcome to This Week In God. If it's worth suspending rational thought for, it's on This Week In God.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: Well, Jon, the great jousting tournament that is Election Day draws nigh, the prize the building you see behind me, Castle Congress. But what side shall prevail in this epic electoral tilt? Who shall control the future of Fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation of wealthy heavily-armed white men, befouling the air and water in a ceaseless quest for profits, beholden to no laws but those of our lord and savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision of a namby-pamby quasi-Socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the foul teat of government welfare? The choice is yours, fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal system is Democracy.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: What kind of madman refuses to produce evidence that he doesn't have what he said he didn't? Saddam had to be taken out or who knows what else he might not have done? It's imaginable.
TV Show: The Daily Show