The Daily Show Quotes
Stephen Colbert: What really excites me about this revelation is that it lowers the standard for the next invasion. Before, the standard was imminent danger. Now the standard is "What are you lookin' at? You lookin' at me? 'Cause my friend says you're lookin' at me and there's nobody else here so I guess you're looking at me!"
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Stephen Colbert: You're saying they [MSNBC]
Stephen Colbert: can say anything they want? They can say that Al Sharpton will carry Wyoming, that the ballot boxes will run red with the blood of the goat, that Hispanics are the new soccer moms, and no one questions that? There aren't any repercussions when they're wrong, nobody gets fired?
Jon Stewart: ...No.
Stephen Colbert: I gotta get one of those jobs.
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Bob Dole: I mean, Joe Lieberman, he was banking on Al Gore's ticket. Then Al Gore endorsed Howard Dean, and now Howard's campaign tanked. So I told Kerry and Edwards, "If Gore calls you, don't pick up the phone."
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John Kerry: [John Kerry is giving his speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention] And what can I say about Teresa?
Stephen Colbert: That bitch is *loaded*!
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Host: Name three words that best describe you.
Kathy Ireland: Ohhh!... ummm... uhhh...
Host: I think we can accept that!
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Ralph Nader: [trying to appeal to an audience of stoned potential voters] Who wants more... garlic... on their fried eggs?
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Mo Rocca: I was busy waiting all night for the Columbus Day Bunny to come down my chimney and light fireworks in my pumpkin.
Jon Stewart: ...There's so much wrong with that.
Mo Rocca: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you were Jewish.
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Jon Stewart: "Weapons of mass destruction-related program activities?" What the (bleep) does that mean? What is that, craft services for the scientists?
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Jon Stewart: ["Daily Show" after his "Crossfire" appearance] Let's see, what did I do on Friday? Mmmm, got a haircut, mmmm, called a guy a dick on national television.
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Jon Stewart: [about Joe Lieberman] So you're excited that you came in third in the race for third? That's like being excited about winning the bronze medal in the competition for bronze medals! I don't think they even call that bronze! That's probably zinc!
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Jon Stewart: [about the 2nd Inauguration of George W. Bush] The moment we've all been waiting for: the official half-way point of the George W. Bush presidency.
Judge: I, George Walker Bush.
George W. Bush: I, George Walker Bush.
Judge: Do solemnly swear.
George W. Bush: Do solemnly swear.
Jon Stewart: At which point, 49% of the country, also, solemnly swore.
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Jon Stewart: [after a senator equates gay marriage with people marrying animals] So to sum it up, it will take two thirds of both Houses of Congress plus three quarters of the states to pass an amendment saying that two straight parents are better than one straight parent which is still better than two gay parents which is equal to a guy screwing a turtle.
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Jon Stewart: [after Alberto Gonzales says that he believes in the rule of law] Hey, everybody! The guy who wants to be Attorney General believes in laws! I wonder what the Secretary of Commerce thinks about capitalism!
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Jon Stewart: [after Jose Canseco likens taking steroids in the '80s to drinking coffee] Yes, drinking coffee from a syringe injected into Mark McGuire's ass!
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Jon Stewart: [after showing a clip in which Jay Leno introduces Arnold Schwarzenegger as the new Governor of California] Well, there you have it. We now officially live in the Matrix.
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Jon Stewart: [after the show starts airing in Canada] We will start each program with the Canadian national anthem. [singing]
Jon Stewart: "Takin' care of business - every day!"
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Jon Stewart: [August 2002] While Clinton was partial to Hollywood heavyweights like Stephen Spielberg and Barbra Streisand, Bush has courted his own version of celebrity royalty, like pro golfer Ben Crenshaw and country singer Larry Gatlin. Not at the same time, of course. I mean, you'd just be begging for the place to get trashed.
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Jon Stewart: [Bill O'Reilly accused The Daily Show of being part of the war on Christmas] And let me say to you, Bill O'Reilly, and the entire O'Reilly clan, "Feliz Navidad." Although I'm sure you're concerned that *that's* getting too prevalent in this country, as well.
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Jon Stewart: [CNN mentioned Princes William and Harry, saying that William is a student and Harry is known for mischief] Prince Harry is "known for mischief"? Maybe this is CNN's tribute to the British penchant for understatement. [trademark bewildered Jon look]
Jon Stewart: CNN then said Charles' ears were "noticeable" and called World War II a "bit of pudding".
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Jon Stewart: [commenting on the 2005 Congressional energy bill] Oh, oil! Giver of power, corrupter of governments, non-sticker of surfaces... must you taunt us with your slick, non-renewable goodness?
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Jon Stewart: [Dick Cheney blames the defeat of an energy bill on the abscence of Kerry and Edwards to vote on it] So let me get this straight: you control the White House, both Houses of Congress, and the Supreme Court, and your administration has closer ties to the energy industry than any administration in history, and THOSE two blockheads stopped you?
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Jon Stewart: [English accent] Is that what happened at your fancy Georgetown Dinner Party, Governor Richardson, sir? I heard as you were leaving you said, "Good day! Wipe your penis on the curtains and walk out!" That is what I heard!
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Jon Stewart: [footage of a guy on TV saying: "Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews and loves anal sex"] Uh... what the fuck is this guy's problem? First of all, Hollywood does not love anal sex. It *loves* it. And second, if Hollywood were run by secular Jews, I would be on a network and Leno, Letterman, and O'Brien would be on Animal Planet.
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Jon Stewart: [introducing oil executives] And finally, Exxon-Mobil CEO Lee Raymond, the only man who comes pre-caricatured for an editorial cartoon. You know, uh, I know one place you might want to start looking for oil... jowls...
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Jon Stewart: [on an Iraq comparison to Vietnam] Said a frustrated Vietnam, "Can we stop comparing intractable conflicts to me? I mean I've moved on. Hello? Thriving sex trade?"
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Jon Stewart: [on Cindy Sheehan and the conservative media] The old guilt- by-association argument. She hangs out with Michael Moore whose film Bowling For Columbine featured Charlie Heston... who played a Mexican in Touch of Evil... Mexico speaks the same language as Cuba... where Fidel Castro plotted to kill JFK... as seen in the film starring Kevin Bacon. Oh, Cindy Sheehan! Why do you and your liberal cohorts plan to kill Kevin Bacon?
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Jon Stewart: [on Iraq not completing its constitution on time] A delay. Delegates so divided that they don't agree on what they're most divided about. The obvious conclusion ? [clip]
Condoleezza Rice: We're witnessing democracy at work in Iraq.
Jon Stewart: [stunned pause] Is there any fuck-up they can't make seem like it was their plan all along... Is there any?
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Jon Stewart: [on P. Diddy changing his name] Just Diddy! The P is gone! Oh... say it ain't so, Diddy. Why did you do it, Diddy?
Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs: Because I thought the P was getting between me and my fans.
Jon Stewart: The P was getting between him and his fans. You know I don't think it's the P. I think it's the bodyguards.
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Jon Stewart: [on proposed congressional funding for the "American Tobacco Trail"] Here's everything you need to know about the American Tobacco Trail - it starts at slavery and ends at cancer.
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Jon Stewart: [on the 2002 elections] Before we bring democracy to Iraq or even Afghanistan, it might be prudent to bring it to Florida. We don't have to bring regime change to the whole state. We can start in Pensacola and work our way down.
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