The Daily Show Quotes
Jon Stewart: First fucker - Michael Brown, the director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency. Brown was nominated to the post by President Bush in 2003, and intends to start the job any day now. Any day now. [audience applauds in agreement]
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Jon Stewart: Former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski and two other former Tyco executives have been charged with looting their company of hundreds of millions of dollars. If that weren't enough, putting a good deal of that toward private purchases on the company tab, including $36 million worth of homes, two sets of sheets for nearly $6, 000, and a shower curtain valued at $6, 000. I'll tell ya, for that price, it had really better keep small puddles from forming on the bathroom floor... In the most egregious example, Kozlowski spent $2.1 million on a lavish birthday party for his wife, complete with Roman gladiators at the door and an ice sculpture of Michelangelo's David that dispensed vodka from its penis. Classy and a perfect accompaniment to the beluga caviar oozing out its ass.
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Jon Stewart: Guy with chin-stud and... top-of-nose thing, I think I'll miss you most of all
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Jon Stewart: Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.
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Jon Stewart: Hey, listen, lady, Donald Rumsfeld is not on trial here! Hey, wait a second, why isn't Donald Rumsfeld on trial?
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Jon Stewart: How does Harry Potter stay on top? [throws hands around]
Jon Stewart: Magic!
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Jon Stewart: How powerful a man do you have to be to shoot someone in the face and have that guy say "my bad"?
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Jon Stewart: However, the photos from the Iraq prison showed only the beatings. They didn't show the ensuing initation and keggers.
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Jon Stewart: If Monday night was fillet mignon, Tuesday night was "What else is in the fridge?"
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Jon Stewart: If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.
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Jon Stewart: If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?
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Jon Stewart: If you become President, and you are gonna start a war with another country - you don't have to make this promise - would you announce it on our show? Would you do that for us?
John Edwards: Well, I kept this stupid promise to be on your show and make the announcement...
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Jon Stewart: I'm joined now by our own vice-presidential firearms mishap analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, obviously a very unfortunate situation. How is the vice president handling it?
Rob Corddry: Tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington's face.
Jon Stewart: But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird, why would he still have shot him?
Rob Corddry: In a post-9/11 world, the American people expect their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.
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Jon Stewart: is it true that when you lick a frog you go crazy?
Kermit the Frog: I can tell ya, when you lick a frog you ARE crazy.
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Jon Stewart: Isn't it how if you lick a frog, you start to get crazy thoughts?
Kermit the Frog: If you lick a frog, you were crazy to start with.
Jon Stewart: [to audience] I can't believe it, the frog's running circles around me, this is terrible.
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Jon Stewart: It's 11: 00 tonight, which means that we have probably already declared war. By the time this show reruns at 7: 00, we'll be at war. By the 4: 00 rerun, we'll be done with the war. Which means that by tomorrow night's episode at 11: 00, we'll be done with the war and be declaring war on France.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Jon Stewart: It's Rosh Hashana! The time when Jews go to New York to watch the... apple drop... into the put of honey. This is also when newscasters say: "And to our Jewish Veiwers, happy Resh Hoshin!"
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Jon Stewart: John Ashcroft is teaching a class called "Leadership In Times Of Crisis", but his students don't know that he can detain you for several days without telling you why you're being detained.
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Jon Stewart: John Edwards won his home state of South Carolina yesterday, fulfilling his promise to win every state that he was born in.
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Jon Stewart: Just a quick observation- when people do not want to play the blame game... [shouts]
Jon Stewart: They're to blame.
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Jon Stewart: Just picture your loved ones dead. Just do it for me. Are you picturing it? Do you got it? All right now go vote. - Impersonating G.W. Bush
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Jon Stewart: Kerry could pose a serious threat.
Stephen Colbert: [talking like a biblical prophet] Threat, Jon? Threat? Tread carefully, newsman, lest your impudence embroil you in the coming battle tide. For the day is nigh when the armies of Rove shall come alive to claim their due. For lo! it has been foretold that the son of the forty-first king shall himself twice be crowned! The treasuries will be emptied! The ads unleashed! And the blue states will run red with the hundred million dollars of hellfire and retribution!
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Jon Stewart: Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.
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Jon Stewart: Nothing promotes abstinence as well as the image of James Carville masturbating. On a less disturbing note, terrorism is back in the news...
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Jon Stewart: Oh, insinuating voiceover lady, I think you need a piece of action from movie trailer man.
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Jon Stewart: On Sunday morning, Americans awoke to images of a man more disheveled... than themselves.
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Jon Stewart: Over the past year, several infants have been forbidden to board planes because they shared their name with someone on a government no-fly list. Officials say confusion may stem from Madison being the most popular girl's name last year and number one for boys being Tariq Al Bin Muhammed.
TV Show: The Daily Show