The Daily Show Quotes
Jon Stewart: President Bush announced that we were landing on Mars today... which means he's given up on Earth.
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Jon Stewart: Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
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Jon Stewart: Right now, people are rushing out to get this year's most popular present: a painful injection of dead virus.
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Jon Stewart: Rob, if the administration's argument for weapons of mass destruction is whether or not we exist and are really here, I think we're in trouble.
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Jon Stewart: Russia held its parliamentary elections last week. The result: it decided to go with a dictatorship.
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Jon Stewart: Samantha, could you describe what caused the blackout?
Samantha Bee: Well, Jon, at about two in the afternoon, a power station overloaded at the Lake Erie Loop. The power grid failed. Jon?
Jon Stewart: Is that all?
Samantha Bee: Pretty much.
Jon Stewart: Do you even know how the power is distributed?
Samantha Bee: Evenly?
Jon Stewart: Do you know what the distributing process is?
Samantha Bee: [uncertainly] Well, first they shovel the energy into a big pile... and put it in wheelbarrows... and then they roll it down to the transformers.
Jon Stewart: Transformers?
Samantha Bee: You know, big robots; turn into cars; shoot lasers out their eyes?
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Jon Stewart: See, I only make fun of people who I know would never come on the show.
Alec Baldwin: That's a long list.
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Jon Stewart: So basically, if you want to make sense of the Bush Administration's foreign policy, this is the tone we take with a country whose leader is openly hostile to the United States and who has admitted having an active nuclear program.
George W. Bush: If Iran's leaders reject our offer, it will result in action before the Security Council!
Jon Stewart: This is the tone we take with a country whose leader is openly hostile to the United States and who we think might have been trying to reconstitute a nuclear program.
George W. Bush: America will not accept a serious and mounting threat to our country and our friends and our allies.
Jon Stewart: And this is how we deal with a guy who we know has a nuclear weapon and a missle that could hit California.
State Department spokesman Sean McCormack: Hey, everybody.
Jon Stewart: "Hey, everybody! North Korea's going to launch a nuclear missile. Hey, Mom!"
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Jon Stewart: So if any terrorists are planning to disrupt our election, the White House will head them off by disrupting it first.
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Jon Stewart: So, Stephen, how was Louisiana?
Stephen Colbert: I don't know, Jon, why do you ask?
Jon Stewart: You were just there.
Stephen Colbert: Okay, I'll bite. What was I doing there?
Jon Stewart: You did a story about drive-through daquiri bars.
Stephen Colbert: Oh, no, Jon. I think I would have remembered that. Unless, of course, I was drinking. When I drink, I tend to black out. That's why I drink - to forget the blackouts. I'm kinda confused, obviously... I need a drink. You got any liquor around here? No? that's all right - I always make sure to carry a bottle of Ice Blue Aqua Velva with me. I am an Aqua Velva man. Want any?
Jon Stewart: No, no after shave for me, thanks.
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Jon Stewart: So, you're on Conan O'Brian tonight, am I right?
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: Uh, no, I'm actually on Friday, she's very good.
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Jon Stewart: Stephen, could you describe the attitude of the democratic voters in New Hampshire?
Stephen Colbert: Well, Jon, I'd say that they have an attitude of anger.
Jon Stewart: Anger toward President Bush?
Stephen Colbert: No, Jon; toward me. Me and the other reporters.
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Jon Stewart: Stephen, Senator Frist's appearance at that megachurch could be seen as a serious breach of the separation of church of state.
Stephen Colbert: Jon, let me explain this in a metaphor. If you take a gallon of Neopolitan ice-cream, like the one I'm holding, you need to drag a spoon all the way across it to get the full three flavors. [Colbert puts the gallon of ice cream down and picks up another one]
Stephen Colbert: However, if you have a gallon of fudge sundae ice cream, you can dip your spoon in and enjoy all parts of the sundae at once.
Jon Stewart: So you're implying that mixing church and state is a good thing?
Stephen Colbert: Jon, I'm saying that this megachurch is a Baskin-Robbins.
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Jon Stewart: The Democratic Party. They were a political party that had power somewhere in the early 19th and 20th centuries. You might have heard of them. Ask your parents.
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Jon Stewart: The media unleashed a full-scale coverage orgy, with CNN at one point going ninety minutes without a commercial, making the death of Anna Nicole Smith a more significant news event than a State Of The Union Address and slightly less than 9/11.
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Jon Stewart: The new Airbus plane, the A380 is capable of holding 800 passengers. Or, 400 Americans.
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Jon Stewart: The official CIA report, the Duelfer report, has come out. The one that they've been working on for the past two years that will be the definitive answer on the weapons of mass destruction programs in Iraq, and it turns out, uh, not so much. Apparently, there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and their capabilities had been degraded, and they pretty much stopped trying anything in '98. Both the president and the vice president have come out today in response to the findings and said that they clearly justify the invasion of Iraq. So, uh, some people look at a glass and see it as half full, and other people look at a glass and say that it's a dragon.
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Jon Stewart: The Rockafeller Centre Christmas tree lighting dates back to 1931, when depression-era labourers proudly mounted a 12 foot white spruce in the middle of their construction site, and then ate it.
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Jon Stewart: There you have it, folks. Finally, there is a place in the world where the US government can't do whatever it wants to do... and it's in Cuba!
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Jon Stewart: To be fair to Secretary Rumsfeld, there's nothing the American public loves more than a man who takes a "Hey you kids get off my lawn!" approach to foreign policy.
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Jon Stewart: Today is the 100th anniversary of the Wright Brothers' flight at Kitty Hawk. Today, they tried to do a re-creation of that historic flight... and it didn't work. That's like doing a Civil War reenactment and having the South win.
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Jon Stewart: Today, a terrible tragedy struck the art word, and I'm not talking about the misuse of light and shadow in the post-modernist art form although that just... REALLY *bleep*ing angers me.
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Jon Stewart: Tonight, our focus is on Televsion! Today, the FCC wanted to impose the same decency standards that apply to broadcast television as they do to cable. [audience boos]
Jon Stewart: To which many people said, "Uh, fuck that guy!".
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Jon Stewart: Triumph, you're not allowed to swear.
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: What do you mean? It's cable TV, man.
Jon Stewart: No, it's basic cable, you can't swear.
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: You can't swear on cable, what's the [bleep]
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: point? All right, no, no, no, I kid, I kid. Cable's great, Jon Stewart, and you're great, and you have a great show... for me to poop on. I mean come on, having a show on cable, it's not like it's real, it's like sniffing your sister's ass.
Jon Stewart: Now look, I happen to like having a show on Comedy Central.
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: [sarcastically] Ooh, Comedy Central, good for you, Comedy Central. I have worms in my stool that have shows on Comedy Central.
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Jon Stewart: Vice President Dick Cheney said that Howard Dean's comments about America being a "white Christian nation" were over the top. Folks, that is not over the top. An over the top statement would be something like, "Republicans like to sodomize sheep and drink piss straight from their [beep]
Jon Stewart: "! That's over the top. That's straight from the [words beeped out]
Jon Stewart: .
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Jon Stewart: We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.
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Jon Stewart: Welcome to the Daily Show! For anyone watching, if you happen to hear any loud crashes, it's because there's a thunderstorm outside. It's not, as our good friend Alan suggested earlier, the Hammer of Thor crashing to the Earth.
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Jon Stewart: We're going to begin tonight with more on our victory in Iraq. In Iraq, it's just past its two year mark and the victory there is growing increasingly glorious.
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Jon Stewart: We're not like a lot of your news organizations, with their immediacy. We're a 24-hour news channel, if you consider it over two months and add up all the half-hours.
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Jon Stewart: What about the State of the Union? Did you go to the speech?
Sen. John McCain: I had no choice.
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